Dunc's Undercover Christmas

by Gary Paulsen

  Santa waved his hand. “Say no more. I understand.” He picked up his bag and started to leave. Then he stopped, leaned over, and whispered to Amos, “Tell your friend not to worry. It won’t happen today.”

  Amos watched Santa disappear into the crowd.

  Dunc found him like that. Standing, staring after Santa. “There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. It’s your turn to watch the store.”

  Amos blinked. He looked at Dunc. “We’re wasting our time, you know. We might as well go on home, because nothing’s going to happen today.”

  “It’s still early, Amos. They could pull something any minute.”

  Amos shook his head. “Not today.”

  “What makes you so sure?”

  “Someone who knows told me.”

  Dunc got excited. “One of the crooks! You overheard one of the crooks talking!”

  “No. It wasn’t one of them.”

  “Amos. Have you been talking to that crazy Santa again?”

  “I told you. He knows things—things nobody else knows.”

  Dunc sighed. “Okay, Amos. What did he tell you this time?”

  “He told me all sorts of stuff. But the most important thing was that nothing would happen today.”

  “He sounds more like a fortune-teller than a Santa Claus. Come on, Amos. T.J. is holding down the fort alone. We better get back.”

  “I’ll go. Just to make you happy. But it’s a waste of time.”

  T.J. had gotten bored while Dunc was looking for Amos and decided to try on shoes. He explained to the salesman that he needed something with a large heel so he could insert his special inventions. But the salesman kept bringing out the wrong kind of shoe. Finally T.J. took off one of his own shoes to show him what he meant.

  Only he forgot about the yellow smoke bomb that was set to go off when the heel of his shoe was opened.

  The shoe department filled with yellow smoke. A fire alarm went off, and the sprinklers came on.

  T.J. decided not to stick around.

  Amos’s luck wasn’t much better. Since he knew the store was safe, at least for today, he wasn’t paying much attention to anything.

  He remembered the mistletoe in his pocket. His thoughts turned to Melissa. He stood in front of a full-length mirror and practiced holding it over his head. A woman from the jewelry section grabbed him and planted a big sloppy kiss on his cheek.

  By the end of the day, they had practically memorized everything in the store and were on a first-name basis with most of the clerks. The store closed at nine o’clock, and the crooks still hadn’t tried anything. Amos very tactfully reminded Dunc that he had told him so—all the way home.

  Three tired boys made their way up the stairs to Dunc’s room. Amos fell on the bed, fully dressed. “Next time maybe you guys will listen to me. We could have saved ourselves a lot of time and trouble.”

  Dunc pulled a sleeping bag out of the closet. “Amos, haven’t you ever heard of coincidence? That Santa in the mall had a fifty percent chance of being right. Besides, how could he have known what we were doing anyway? He was just guessing—trying to mess with your mind.”

  “He knows,” Amos mumbled.

  T.J. pulled a cord on the front of his trench coat. “Everybody stand clear.” A swooshing sound and a couple of thumps came from the coat. T.J. slipped his arms out. An air mattress that was attached to the back of the coat unfolded on the floor.

  Dunc threw him a pillow. “Is there anything you don’t have in that coat?”

  T.J. grinned. “I try to be ready for any situation.”

  Amos rolled over. “You have a banana split in there somewhere?”

  “No, but I do have a couple boxes of freeze-dried fruit and a granola bar.”

  “I’ll pass.”

  Amos was dreaming. Santa was stuffing all of Amos’s presents back into his black bag. Next, he stuffed in the tree and was going for the Christmas dinner.

  “Wake up, Amos.” Dunc grabbed a foot and shook it. Amos had obviously had a rough night. His feet were on his pillow, and his head was buried under a wad of cover at the other end. “T.J. and I have been up for an hour.”

  “I’m happy for both of you. Go away. Can’t you see I’m sleeping here?”

  “I have good news.”

  Amos rolled over. “Go tell somebody who cares.”

  “It’s important!”

  Amos pulled the cover off his head. “Is the country under attack? Was the president impeached? If the answer is no to either question, then it’s not important.”

  “Is he always this hard to wake up?” T.J. asked.

  Dunc nodded. “Sometimes worse. I’ve had to learn to be creative. Watch this.”

  Dunc dropped down by Amos’s ear. “It’s about Melissa.”

  Amos sat straight up. “What?”

  Dunc grinned at T.J. “Works every time. Now we just go downstairs and wait.”

  In a few minutes Amos came down the stairs. A sheet that was caught in the back of his pants was trailing behind him. He passed Mrs. Culpepper on the stairs. Over the years she’d almost gotten used to Amos staying overnight. She scooped up the sheet. “Rough night, Amos?”

  Amos nodded.

  “Dunc and T.J. are eating breakfast, if you’re interested.”

  “Thanks.”

  Amos stumbled into the kitchen and sat down, propping his head up with one hand. “Did someone mention Melissa?”

  “Glad you could join us,” Dunc said. “We were discussing our plan of attack for today.”

  “We’re attacking Melissa?” Amos said, still half asleep.

  T.J. laughed. “I didn’t know you were this much fun, Amos.”

  “How about some breakfast to help you wake up?” Dunc said.

  “What is it?”

  “Oatmeal.”

  “Yeecchh! That stuff is for horses. Where’s my …?”

  Dunc set a box of Fruit Slams in front of him.

  “That’s better. Now, what are we attacking?”

  Dunc cleared his throat. “We’ve been talking about how to keep the crooks under surveillance today—”

  “Speak English,” Amos growled.

  “—and we think it would be best to go back undercover.”

  Amos shook his head. “Melissa is not going to see my skinny legs in green tights ever again in this lifetime.”

  “That’s the beauty of our plan—actually, T.J. thought of it. Melissa will never know it’s you. Guaranteed.”

  “Guaranteed?”

  Dunc put his hand on his heart. “Trust me.”

  “Don’t say that. I was about to go for it until you said that.”

  T.J. came around the table. “I promise, Amos. She won’t recognize you—that is, not until after we catch the bad guys. Then you’ll probably be a hero. Maybe have to go on TV to tell about it. Talk shows, the news, that kind of stuff.”

  Dunc winked at T.J. behind Amos’s back and whispered, “You’re catching on.”

  The boys were in the rest room at the mall. They were helping Amos into his disguise.

  “What did I do to deserve you guys?” Amos looked at T.J. “It’s bad enough coming from my best friend. But my own cousin?”

  “You were the one that didn’t want to be recognized,” T.J. said. “I was only trying to help. We called Wally’s Custom Costumes, and this was the only thing he had that he could guarantee no one would recognize you in. I thought you’d be happy.”

  “I’m supposed to be happy wearing antlers? I’ve gone from Peter Pan to Bullwinkle.”

  Dunc spoke up. “We were lucky to get the costume. It fits in with the season and everything. No one will be suspicious of one of Santa’s reindeer.”

  “Don’t you think the store will know if they ordered a reindeer or not?” Amos asked.

  “That’s what’s so great about this plan,” Dunc said. “The store will think you came with the Santa. And the Santa will think you work for the store. It’s perfect. Now, get your he
ad on. The store’s about to open.”

  “Wait a minute—what are you two going to be doing while I’m watching the store?”

  “We’ll be right there with you, Amos.” Dunc shoved the reindeer head down over Amos’s ears. “Only not as visible as yesterday. If you see anything—yell. We’ll be there in a flash. Don’t worry.”

  They led him through the mall toward Halversons. The little kids went wild when they spotted him. One little girl grabbed his leg and wouldn’t let go. He tried to shake her off. She hung on tight.

  Amos bent down and whispered something to her. She let go and ran off screaming for her mother.

  “What did you say to her?” Dunc asked.

  “I told her that Santa lets me eat all the bad little kids for breakfast. And her name was next on the list.”

  Dunc tried not to smile. “She’ll probably have nightmares.”

  “Good.”

  “Okay, Amos. Here’s the store.” Dunc straightened an antler. “You find a good spot where you can watch the Santa. T.J. and I will keep an eye out for the van.”

  Amos moved in near the Santa. It was Jim Sikes from the Lundini Agency. Amos found a spot on the far side of the platform and sat down. The reindeer head was heavy, so he decided to lie down. When the kids finished with Santa, they paraded by Amos and petted him.

  Amos was almost asleep when he heard a familiar voice. His eyes flew open.

  Melissa.

  She and one of her friends were baby-sitting the little boy who was talking to Santa. Melissa was standing near the platform waiting. Then it happened.…

  Melissa reached out her hand.

  And petted him.

  Amos knew it was true love. He got up on all fours to talk to her—but one of his antlers got caught in her hair. Every time he moved, he yanked her hair.

  Melissa’s friend finally managed to get them untangled. Melissa turned and walked away without a backward glance. The kid they were baby-sitting gave him a good hard kick in the ribs. And Melissa’s friend bent his antler for good measure.

  Amos sat up and watched them go. Dunc moved up behind him and whispered, “What was that all about?”

  Amos let out a sigh. “She touched me, Dunc. Did you see it? I told you we had a relationship.”

  “She didn’t know it was you. You have a reindeer suit on—remember?”

  Amos sighed again. “She left me some of her hair.” He took a piece off his antler and held it up. “See?”

  Dunc shook his head. “Listen, Amos. Now is not the time for you to get crazy on me. T.J.’s spotted the van. Something could break loose any minute. If that Sikes guy makes a move, you stay right with him. Got it?”

  “Sure.”

  “Amos?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Dunc knew something was about to happen. He hoped he had everything covered. T.J. was watching the outside door. Amos was watching Sikes. He had alerted Mall Security and the store manager. All he could do now was wait.

  Amos was sitting on the edge of the platform playing with a piece of Melissa’s hair. He looked up. Jim Sikes was taking a break. Sikes put a sign in his chair, telling the kids Santa would be right back.

  Sikes had taken breaks before. But this one was different. This time he took his bag with him. Amos quickly wiggled out of his costume and followed.

  Dunc saw Amos and Sikes leave the platform and was about to follow them when he noticed two other Santas coming in from the mall entrance. Each one was carrying a bag identical to Sikes’s.

  So that’s how they did it, Dunc thought. No wonder no one had been able to identify them.

  The new Santas made sure everyone in the store saw them. They even talked to a few people to be certain.

  Sikes, on the other hand, was making a quick round of the store. He shoved anything that was loose into his black bag. Amos watched him scoop in rings, watches, clothes, and china.

  When Sikes was through, he set his bag down on the floor. One of the new Santas casually walked by and traded bags with him.

  T.J. and Amos raced over to Dunc. “What do we do now?”

  “We have to keep all three of those Santas in the store until the police get here. Amos, you take Sikes. Do whatever you have to, but don’t let him leave.”

  Sikes had gone back to his Santa chair just as if nothing had happened. The little kids started lining up to talk to him.

  Amos took his job seriously. He cut in front of the first little kid and sat down on Sikes’s knee.

  “You’re kinda big for this, ain’t you?” Sikes asked.

  “I just want to make sure you know everything I want for Christmas—Santa.” Amos gave him a toothy imitation grin and started rattling off his wish list.

  Dunc and T.J. ran for the back door. They stood in front of it, blocking the exit.

  The two new Santas walked up. The taller one said, “Excuse us, boys. We need to get through that door.”

  The boys didn’t move.

  One of the Santas reached for T.J. The alarm in his trench coat went off. The boxing glove popped out and hit the man right between the eyes. It knocked him out cold.

  “It works! It really works! Did you see that, Dunc?”

  The other Santa dropped the bag, pushed the boys to the side, and ran out the door.

  Dunc started after him.

  “Don’t bother,” T.J. said. “He’s not going anywhere. Like my great-grandma always says, ‘Stop the wind, and the eagle won’t fly.’ ”

  Dunc looked puzzled.

  T.J. grinned. “I let the air out of their tires.”

  “Front page. Look at this, Amos. You made the front page of the newspaper.” Dunc showed him the copy he’d brought over.

  “I’ve seen it,” Amos sulked.

  “It’s a good likeness. Everybody in town should recognize you.”

  “Dunc, I’m sitting on Santa’s knee. My reputation is shot. I won’t be able to show my face in public for the next twenty years.”

  “It’s not that bad, Amos. You should be proud of yourself. You helped bust up a ring of thieves. Those guys will be spending Christmas behind bars.”

  “Maybe they’ll let me join them.”

  Dunc sat down on the living-room couch beside Amos. “I have some news that’ll cheer you up.”

  “An earthquake is about to swallow my house?”

  “Better. I’ve decided to give you your Christmas present a day early.”

  Amos looked around. “Where is it?”

  “You’ll know more about it when T.J. gets back.”

  “You sent T.J. to buy my present?”

  “No. I sent him to work out those details I was telling you about.”

  The front door slammed. T.J. came running in with a package in his hand. “It’s all taken care of, Dunc.”

  “Is that my present?” Amos grabbed the package from T.J.’s hands.

  “No. I found this on the porch. There wasn’t a card with it, so I don’t know who it’s for.”

  Amos ripped it open. Inside was the robot from the department store. “Thanks, Dunc. It’s just what I wanted.”

  “That’s not my present, Amos. I got you something else.”

  Amos scratched his head. “Then who …”

  A small white card was in the robot’s hand.

  Dunc read it out loud: “ ‘Congratulations on your case. Thank you for still believing. S. Claus.’ ”

  T.J. and Dunc stared at each other.

  Amos looked smug. “And you guys made fun of me! Said I was crazy! Imagining things! How do you explain this?”

  Dunc started to answer, but T.J. cut him off. “It’s almost time for the you-know-what. You better get him ready.”

  “What are you guys up to?” Amos asked.

  Dunc cleared his throat. “It’s about your present, Amos. I tried my best to think of the one thing you want more than anything else. I think I’ve found it. In approximately three minutes, Melissa Hansen is going to call here.”

  “
Melissa … call … here?”

  “Hold him down, T.J. He gets like this when he thinks a phone will ring.”

  T.J. held him on the couch.

  Dunc continued. “T.J. went over to Melissa’s house and told her that someone at this number would like to buy raffle tickets from her for the Christmas bazaar. She doesn’t know it’s you. Do you understand so far?”

  Amos was rocking back and forth. He was breathing hard, and his face was turning red.

  “Is he okay?” T.J. asked.

  “Yeah. It usually doesn’t start until he hears the first ring.” Dunc looked at Amos. “Here’s how we’re going to do it. Are you listening, Amos?”

  Amos nodded. His tongue was hanging out of the side of his mouth.

  “When the phone rings, I’m going to hold it up to your ear. No crashes. No wrecks. When you hear her voice, all you have to do is talk to her. Got it?”

  Amos nodded again.

  “One minute,” Dunc said. “You better get a good hold on him, T.J. When that phone rings, no telling what will happen.”

  They waited. Dunc counted down the seconds.

  Amos was sweating.

  It rang.

  Dunc picked it up and held it to Amos’s ear.

  “Hello. This is Melissa Hansen.… Hello?”

  Silence.

  Amos fell over in a dead faint.

  T.J. tried to revive him.

  Dunc quietly hung up the phone and smiled. “Merry Christmas, Amos.”

  TAKE THE CULPEPPER CHALLENGE!*

  1. Do you

  (a) sharpen your pencils every day and keep them sorted from longest to shortest?

  (b) write with whatever you find lying around in your drawer?

  (c) consider yourself lucky if your neighbor has a pencil you can borrow?

  2. Is your bedroom floor

  (a) so clean you could eat a meal off it?

  (b) partially visible near the corners of the room?

  (c) buried under so much stuff you can’t remember what color it is?

  3. Is your bicycle

  (a) a smoothly oiled, finely tuned machine in perfect working condition?

  (b) slightly squeaky so wherever you go, people can hear you coming?