Leaving Me Behind

by Sigal Ehrlich

  He continues walking us deeper inside the apartment in silence. Charged, lustful silence. Silence that licks fire to spread inside of me. When we get to the bedroom, he kick shuts the door behind and drops us both to the bed. I wrap my legs tighter around his waist, meeting his mouth again.

  . . .

  I let out a beatific sigh. “Good morning,” I murmur to the room with closed eyes and a thin smile. The stretch of my lips grows as he plants another luxurious kiss near my hip.

  “Good morning,” Sebastian says to my skin, leaving hot kisses as his mouth trails south. I drop my head deeper onto the pillow and my lips part as the tip of his tongue tastes my skin a few inches below my naval. “Sleep well?”

  “Mmmhmm. And waking up even better.”

  “Hola.” Sebastian's face appears before me. He is propped above me, his weight held by his flexed arms. I give him a thorough gaze and my smile stretches. His hair falls down to nearly cover his smiling eyes. His dimple almost giving me a heart condition by its irresistible combination of adorable and scorching sexy. “How was your evening with your friend?”

  Oh, the evening with my friend. We didn’t have a chance to discuss that last night, as we were too caught up in devouring each other.

  He angles his elbows, lowering his upper body for his mouth to lightly kiss across my collarbone.

  “It was good, for the most part.” An instant inward debate takes my focus away from Sebastian. An argument of whether to tell him everything about last night or leave the part that he’d probably not embrace so wholeheartedly out. “Kai kissed me.” Honesty wins.

  Sebastian’s lips halt amid a kiss. “Did you kiss him back?” he says to my skin.

  Though his mouth is still hovering over my skin, his eyes crawl up to mine.

  “Umm . . .”

  He drops his head, keeping it down for a beat.

  “No. Yes . . . I mean . . .”

  Sebastian pushes himself away to drop on his back next to me. “There’s only one answer to that question.” His voice is so velvety it sends my skin to prickle; not in the good way, though.

  “For the briefest moment.”

  He covers his face with both his hands.

  “Till I realized what I was doing, and that the only person I want to kiss is you.” I roll to my side, resting my cheek on the pillow.

  He rubs his hands over his face; his next breath is an audible one. He drops his hands to his sides and turns to look at me, his cheek resting on the mattress. For a space of a few beats, only our eyes converse, in hard, tense gazes.

  “I made sure he knew how I felt about it. Made sure it cannot happen again. And then I came to you.”

  He takes a deep breath once more and nods. “Coffee?” he asks, sitting up then straightens to stand.

  “I never meant to upset you. I just wanted to make sure we are completely honest with each other. I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

  Sebastian’s hard stare melts a degree, and he nods again. “I’m making coffee,” he says and leaves the room.

  I’m not so sure I like his reaction because it seems like there’s much more under the surface. A ticking bomb in the disguise of self-control. Though my chest feels leaden, I’m glad I shared this tidbit with him. At this point in our relationship, I’d hate to hide anything from him, even on the account of upsetting him. I let him cool down for an additional moment and head to join him.

  I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head on his back, breathing him in. “Are we okay?” I press a soft kiss on his skin.

  He sends a hand to squeeze mine. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

  I kiss his back again and remain embracing him as he pours our coffee into mugs. Sebastian’s phone rings and I let go of him. When he turns to fetch the phone from the counter, I bring one of the steaming coffee cups to my lips. I lean my hip to the counter and take another sip, watching him.

  It’s Sebastian’s mother on the phone. From what I manage to glean from the call, they are discussing the next time he is planning to visit. I take another taste of the coffee, and though I’m trying not to eavesdrop, I still manage to learn that the new subject they are discussing is me.

  Sebastian eyes are on me as he answers in curt, short sentences. His expression takes a harder tone when he tells his mom that he’ll ask me if I’ll be joining him. A few more impatient sentences are exchanged before he says something in Spanish along the line of, “Relax, it’s not that serious anyhow, it’s not like we’re getting married or anything. She doesn’t even know if she is going to stay here.”

  I know I shouldn’t let it sting as much. After all, he is calling it as it is, but the way he dismisses our relationship hurts, badly. To me, it sounds like it has been deliberately uttered for me to hear. A special message for me after what I shared with him earlier. The ticking bomb’s safety catch has been released. Whatever it is, it’s not something I want to keep listening to. I rinse my mug, put it in the dishwasher, and head to the shower, the magic of waking up next Sebastian completed eroded.

  Chapter 26

  “The Beginning of the End”

  Tired Pony

  “I’ll wait outside, okay?” I tell Kai, leaving him and Vivian to continue their vivid conversation about Kai’s travels as he waits for our order.

  Taking a seat at one of the outside tables, I check my phone, again. No calls. The way we parted earlier, Sebastian and me, as I left to see Kai and Sebastian left for a meeting in Madrid, keeps playing in my head. We separated with our usual hug and kiss farewell ritual, but the tense undercurrent between us wasn’t lost on me. It was a charged moment. A moment that left a heavy weight at the pit of my stomach; one that I can’t seem to shake off.

  Absorbed in my thoughts, I miss Stephy till she’s sitting right next to me, eyeing me below creased brows.

  “What’s with the serious face?” she asks, her sweet smile making me mirror her.

  I dismiss it with a brief headshake. “Nothing. How you doing?”

  She twists her lips, moving them from side to side. I smile at her pensive state, and the time it takes her to respond to my simple question. Her blue eyes narrow at me, and she huffs.

  “I think I’m going to boycott dating.”

  My lips twitch. If there were a good distraction from everything depressing, it would be Stephy. “Is that so?”

  She huffs again, pulling up the sleeves of her stripped black and red cotton dress. “Well, my last date might have just sealed the deal on a much-needed break from men.”

  “What happened?”

  “I went on a date with someone I met online, and it was going pretty well till he asked me if he could take a few photos of us kissing. He wanted to send them to his ex-girlfriend to make her jealous. Needless to say, the promising evening ended long before dessert.” She air quotes promising.

  I beam at her. “So, that’s it. You’re giving up?”

  “Yeah, I’m done. My vagina is in remission. No more men,” she declares and less than a breath after, her eyes round to an expression that could only be described as puppy eyes. “God, have mercy on my ovaries . . .” The last of her words winds down to an almost whisper.

  I follow her gaze and nod to myself. Oh, that. I’ve seen it so many times before, the commonly known “Kai affect.”

  Stephy remains dreamingly silent as Kai hands me a cup of coffee. His eyes drop to Stephy, who seems to be hypnotized. He brings the camera in his hand forward, “I’m going to take a few shots of the area.”

  “Sure, I’ll wait for you. I need to talk to Vivian.”

  He turns to Stephy and offers her his hand, “Be my model?”

  “Mmmhmm,” Stephy’s reply sounds more like a breathy shriek. Eyes locked with Kai, and rosy cheeks, she stands up and follows him. I roll my eyes with a grin. Shortest boycott in the history of short boycotts.

  “So, Dominique is meeting Gérard and some prominent lawyer as we speak,” Vivian says, plopping onto an empty seat.

 
; “Sad . . . to think that so many years of marriage end up in a splitting-the-loot get-together supervised by some expensive stranger in a suit.”

  Vivian nods in affirmation. “And the supposedly closest person to you, your life partner, leaves you to continue the rest of the ride by yourself because he couldn’t resist putting his hands on a younger chick.”

  I gaze at Vivian as she stares ahead at the busy pavement. She seems tired again, maybe even worried.

  “Vivian, when was the last time you saw a physician?”

  She regards me with a troubled look.

  “I’m fine, querida. Really. There’s just so much going on. A large catering company has approached me. They’d like to collaborate with me. The more I studied their offer, the more I fell in love with the idea of catering.”

  “It’s a good thing, no?”

  “Don’t know. As much as I like the idea, I'm not sure I’d like to share my business with a stranger. My café, my business, has always been a family thing. My own thing. I'm not sure I'd like to change that. Perhaps you could be my partner?” she beams at me.

  “Me? Have you ever tasted anything I cooked? If there’s something I suck at, it’s everything preparing food related.” She eyes me seriously, and I add, “I screw up omelets!”

  “Who said anything about cooking? It's a business. Just like any other business, it needs a financial brain, business strategies, or whatever you people do.”

  I study her as she grins back at me.

  “Viv, I’m leaving in a few short months . . .”

  Her grin calms into a thin line, “Are you? Really?”

  I don’t get to answer her question as Kai’s return interrupts us. The question remains an unanswered one, both to her and to me.

  . . .

  When the train’s headlights advance toward us, Kai tugs on my hand and pulls me into the warmest hug. We hold each other firmly for some lingered moments. He kisses the crown of my head repeatedly while my hold on him tightens.

  “Come back home, Liv. I meant every word I said. Come home to me.”

  Kai bends to leave a chaste kiss on my lips, squeezes my hand with a supple smile, and walks to the train. I watch him till the train’s lights become fading red spots.

  A wild whirlwind of thoughts seizes my brain so much that I hardly notice my surroundings as I make my way back home. A whirlwind that has been growing steadily and progressively to the point it’s the only thing I can focus on.

  It comes in three waves that together form a tsunami that presses hard on my chest and leaves my emotions wrecked. Wave one, courtesy of mommy dearest. The doubt she seeded in me. The big question. Am I really wasting my time? Am I wasting my time here? Am I wasting my time on Sebastian?

  Wave two carries with it a more profound reservation, one that keeps nagging at me: Kai would like to give us a try. Is it something I’d want to try if I decide to go back home? Our pact, marrying my best friend. Isn’t that what is commonly known as the most profound foundation for a relationship? The strongest couples that have stood the test of time and life’s hurdles are best friends first and lovers second.

  And the last ripple that nicely adds to the chaos in my head is Sebastian’s phone call with his mom and his comment the other day when I asked him how he felt about marriage. When he calmed his mom down by telling her that we aren’t that serious, he provoked the complete opposite reaction in me, entirely messing with my head. To be honest, my insistent resentment against the whole marriage idea and children has recently wavered. I think it started to weaken sometime after Sebastian told me about Lola getting pregnant. It made me think. What would I have done? A thought that grew to what would I have done if it happened to Sebastian and me. And to be honest, I liked the sound of it. I liked the idea, more than I could even admit to myself at the time. It’s not that I’m secretly wishing for him to propose, but yes, that is something I’d be more than glad to say yes to, somewhere in the future. To have a future with him.

  I caught myself dissolving into Sebastian’s eyes when he made love to me last night, and there was so much more there, so much more than other times. It wasn’t about the dark color of his irises or the tender expression in them; it was the actual moment. It was as if I could see a multitude of unborn moments of the two of us together. As though I saw everything I’d like my future to be. I guess at that exact moment, it dawned on me that Sebastian is it for me. I understand now why what he told his mother and the determination he uttered it with hurt so much.

  I stop cold, passing the post office, and take a few steps back. I worry my lip staring at the yellow and black sign above the door as an idea starts to take shape in my mind. Quickly, I head inside, and buy four large cardboard boxes and double the amount of smaller ones.

  Perhaps if I actually start packing, do my thing, put things in order, the answer will come. The answer to what’s next for me?

  Chapter 27

  “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough”

  Charice

  As I organize books and random knickknacks in neatly piled sets while kneeling on the tan living room rug, the haze in my head gradually clears. On the other hand, my heart slowly begins to wilt. Securing tape over a closed box, I take a deep breath and lean my back against the sofa. I think about how when I packed my apartment before leaving for Spain, it felt like I was packing for an exciting adventure, it felt like I was leaving my past for something better. Now, when I sit amid brown boxes in my half-packed living room, it feels like I’m making arrangements I am not full-heartedly ready to make. It feels like this time I am leaving parts of my heart behind. It feels like I’m going to be leaving me behind.

  I rise up to stand and caress the wall with the tips of my fingers, walking toward the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of cold water and take a sip, glancing out the window. I like everything about this place, and I know for sure that I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave this home, my friends, and mostly, the man I love. But just as these feelings of belonging cushion my heart, the thoughts of what kind of a life I could have here overshadow the momentary bliss. The sound of a lock turning freezes my contemplation. I set the glass on the counter and turn on my heel. I take a step into the living room just as Sebastian closes the door behind him. His eyes meet mine, and a smile forms on his lips.

  Everything in my head evaporates solely by the way he looks at me. I return his smile and take a step toward him.

  “You are back.” I beam his way.

  “I cut my trip short,” he says, looking utterly panty-dropping hot in a fine, dark suit and a mischievous grin. “Couldn’t stay away.”

  As I’m finally near and am about to wrap my arms around him, Sebastian’s head slightly jerks back in surprise. His features harden when his eyes land on the boxes scattered in disarray on the floor. With joint brows and eyes glued to the brown cardboard boxes, he takes a few slow steps forward. He stops above the last box I worked on and dips his chin to look inside. Ironically so, it’s a box of books with the picture of Kai and me feigning a kiss right on the top.

  Sebastian jaw flexes and he slowly cranes his neck to look my way. “What’s all this?”

  The rhythm of my heart quickens while I arrange the words in my head. “Um . . . I just, um. I thought that if I . . .”

  “You’re packing? You’re going back?” Sebastian silences my stutter with his loaded question.

  “No. I mean, I started to pack to help make things clearer.”

  Sebastian’s hard gaze doesn’t leave mine as he takes a seat on the sofa, his leg inches from the box he just stared at.

  I lean my back against the wall and hug myself, holding his gaze with mine. “What is it that you want?”

  He cocks his head, eyes burning into mine.

  “With me. What is it that you see happening between us?” I ask dreading his answer. Dreading my own response to the same question. Dreading my next breath.

  He pushes his finger through the knot of his tie, slowly ti
lting it from side to side. He drops his elbows to his thighs, threads his fingers together, and slowly cranes his neck to look up at me. His eyes are weary, lined with livid flare.

  “Be the man you come home to every night. But, I don’t really get it. Why does it even matter? Seems like you made up your mind, made the decision for the both of us . . . you’re leaving. So why, Liv, why do you ask?”

  I observe his handsome face and fight the ring of pain that squeezes my heart so tightly. A clog expands in my throat as I start to realize where we’re heading.

  “Make me stay,” I say in a weak voice, inwardly begging him to ask me to stay, show me how much I mean to him. That he’d never let me go. Sort my dilemma for me.

  Sebastian shakes his head. “I won’t. I can’t do it to you or to me.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  He shakes his head again, and to the simple motion my heart both faints and withers.

  I bring my fingers to touch my slightly quivering lips as I say, “You don’t see a real future for us?” The next words that leave my mouth are a murmur. “My mom was right . . .”

  He rubs his hand over his mouth and chin. “Don’t take my words out of context, Liv. I never said that.” Sebastian's voice hardens, matching his rigid features.

  Ask me to stay, I silently beg. “But you won’t ask me to stay.”

  He shakes his head once more, causing the tears I’m holding back with all my might to sting at the corner of my eyes.

  He takes a long breath and drops his head. When he lifts it back to look at me, his eyes are a shade darker, a shade gloomier. “You can’t stay here for me. You should stay for you, Liv. You should be wherever you’re the happiest. I don’t want to be the one who decides for you. If you end up staying here because of me, the first argument we’ll have, the first time you miss home, will be the beginning of our end. And I’d rather let you be happy than force you to make me happy.”

  The pain starts in my stomach and slowly crawls up and up. When it gets near my heart, it becomes almost impossible to bear.