by S. R. Watson
“I know that sucks. Tell you what. Why don’t you have dinner with us? I was just getting ready to throw something together. I’m sure Xander would have no problem picking you up.” So it’s Desiree. I don’t know why that woman rubs me the wrong way for some reason. “The guys aren’t here, but they should be back any minute. And don’t worry, it’s no problem at all.” From his one-sided conversation, I gather Desiree is coming here. He says he will see her soon and ends the call.
“Sorry. That was Desiree,” Diesel says. As if I hadn’t figured that part out. “She was heading to Los Angeles from here, but her flight has been delayed until morning. It would be ludicrous for her stay at the airport all that time.”
“Hotel, maybe?” I say under my breath.
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Well, I better get back downstairs, so Xander isn’t looking for me.” I hate that I’m feeling jealous. Shit is getting so blurred.
“Oh, okay. I guess since the guys aren’t here; I should be the one to pick her up from the airport. Xander is with his girl so I’ll go.” I cringe. Xander is with his girl, as if he isn’t. I’m not his girl. The fact that this bothers me signifies that my feelings are starting to change. I’m terrified. Worse yet, I can’t tell him, for fear that he doesn’t feel the same. It could ruin everything.
“I’m going to go.” I turn and hurry back downstairs. There is no sign of Xander and Lily.
A few minutes later, Diesel passes the living room on his way out the door. “Tell Xander I’m taking the truck to go get Desiree. I’ll bring dinner back, since I can’t do both.”
“Sure,” I reply without taking my eyes off the TV. I don’t even know what show this is. When Xander comes in with Lily, I fill him in.
“I think I may head back,” I mention casually. Truth is, I’m in a jealous, pissy mood. I’ve just come to the realization that I want Diesel as more than just a friend—more than an arrangement.
“You have to stay,” Xander pleads. “I want you to get to know Lily. We’ve already eaten, but we can have a few bites of whatever Diesel brings back.”
“I didn’t want to intrude on your time, but if you’re sure, I’ll stick around for a bit,” I lie to cover up my hesitancy.
“We’re sure,” Lily speaks up. We sit around the dinner table and we talk about school and majors. She’s an education major and has considered transferring to the University of Alabama to be closer to Xander. Now that he is going on the road soon to tour, they’ve even considered her taking online classes, so the flexibility would leave her free to travel. They are just so happy together. The sacrifices they are willing to make for each other are evident. I want a piece of that. Someone who’s willing to make me a part of their plans and isn’t afraid to commit to making a real relationship work.
I pick at my Chinese food, as the guys discuss their upcoming tour in a few months. My stomach is already sour because I know my time with Diesel will come to an end.
“I’ve negotiated for you guys to have slightly bigger tour bus than originally planned. It has one master bedroom and four bunks, but the space is luxurious and ample. You guys deserve to travel in style,” Desiree shares.
“Is it costing us more money from our advancement?” Diesel asks.
“Nope. The company we use for our other bands agreed to give me a deal in exchange for exclusivity,” she smiles.
“Well, in that case, I’m ecstatic.” Diesel winks. She touches arm as she laughs and I want to puke. They are openly flirting with each other. “As our business manager, are you going to be traveling with us?” I want to wipe that stupid grin right off his face. Hello? I’m sitting right here, asshole. Couldn’t you wait until I wasn’t around to try to get in her pants?
“Not all the time, but I will be with you guys some; especially in the beginning to orient you all to how things work. You all aren’t going to want me around once you start having groupies wanting to follow you,” she teases. What an insensitive bitch. She sees that Xander’s girl is sitting there, and she has no qualms about painting the pictures of whores on the bus with them.
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. We don’t allow those women into our personal space. We don’t do it here at the house and wouldn’t do it on the road.”
I push my plate of food away. Keyser and Gable nod in agreement, while Xander and Lily seem to be engaged in their own private conversations. I tap my fingers on the table, contemplating an excuse to leave. I didn’t miss Diesel’s future tense prediction in that statement. He is planning to have groupies, just not on the bus. I knew our arrangement would be short lived, but it just feels like a slap in the face to hear him say it.
“If you say so. The road and fame changes people,” Desiree continues.
“Well, I have my girl right here,” Xander finally speaks up. He leans over and kisses Lily on the cheek and she blushes. Good for him. I knew I didn’t like this witch. She’s rude and she’s been eye-fucking Diesel since she got here. I can’t do it. My blood is boiling. I need to go. I have no ties to Diesel, and he has obviously already entertained thoughts of what it’s going to be like on tour, even though he was just in my pussy a few days ago. I’m sure he and Desiree will end up fucking too. I can see the pull between those two. His consideration for her staying alone at the airport and wondering if she is going to be on the bus with them are the first two clues.
I take my plate to the kitchen and scrape the uneaten food in the trash. “I’m going to go, Xander. Nice meeting you, Lily.” I won’t even look at Diesel.
“Drive safe, sis. Give me a call when you make it back.” Lily waves goodbye and I force a smile and wave back. I grab my purse and blink away the tears as I head to the car. I get in and fumble with finding the key. I wish she had the push start one. When I finally find the key and put it into the ignition, I look up to see Diesel standing in front of the car. The beams of light reflect on him as he crosses those muscular arms of his. He comes around and knocks on the window. I lower it just enough to hear what he is saying.
“What’s wrong, Lourdes?”
“Nothing. Go back to your company.” I try to raise the window, but he slams his hand down on the top of the glass.
“Open the damn door, Lourdes,” he growls. “Company? She’s our fucking manager. I knew you were jealous. Question is why?”
“I’m not jealous, asshole. Now move your fucking hand before it gets smashed,” I retort.
“Lies. You can’t hide shit. I read your face in there. It tells on you every time.” I reverse the car, just a little, to encourage him to let go and he uses his other hand to slap the top of the car.
“Stop! Goddam it, stop! I swear I will fucking cause a scene. You want Xander to find out about us tonight?” That got my attention.
“You wouldn’t.” Xander would flip his shit. This could mess up everything for them. The band needs to be cohesive to succeed.
They can’t afford any conflict among them while they’re trying to establish themselves. What would be the point of telling Xander? Our relationship isn’t going anywhere. Hell, we don’t even have a relationship. We have an arrangement or least we had. Right now, I’m not so sure.
“I would. Now put the car in park and open the door.” He has me and he knows it. He has to know that our exposure would be bad for the band, so why would he threaten that? I close my eyes in defeat, for a brief moment, before I do as he says. As soon as I open the door, he grabs my hand and pulls me out of the car. He spins me around and my back is against the passenger window. “What’s going on with you? You have no reason to be jealous. This is why I don’t do relationships,” he huffs.
“You do what you want. I don’t care. What is the point of all this?” I say gesturing around us. Why make this huge deal over what he presumes I’m feeling.
“I like what we started, and I don’t want it to end. I promised you exclusivity, and that is what I will give.”
“Are you sure, Diesel? Because all you’ve been doing
is running. You freaked the fuck out Thursday morning about losing control with me, and then again this afternoon, when I asked you to fuck me. So you tell me what’s going on.” Diesel backs away from me and runs both hands through his hair. He paces back and forth in front of me, obviously frustrated.
Lourdes just called me out on my shit, and I know that she is right. I’ve been all over the map with her. As of Thursday, I didn’t even know if I wanted to continue my arrangement with her. I don’t like that she can make me lose control or bend my rules. Yet, I’m drawn to her like a magnet. She has resurrected another one of my flaws tonight, which is associated with my unquantifiable need for control. I didn’t mean for it to happen. It has already played out and she has no idea. Jealousy. I purposely inflict it. It is a subset of my control. I wasn’t completely honest with Lourdes. True, I don’t spank as a form of punishment, but my alternatives can be so much worse. Thing is, I never said there wouldn’t be any punishment. I use jealousy as a means to make one feel how I want them to feel. I guess in a sense it is pain—emotional pain.
The significance is that I’ve only ever done this to Melissa. It’s probably another reason why it was so easy for her to walk away from me in the end. It’s another reason why I can’t have a normal relationship, even if I desire one. The minute I would feel her pulling away from me or feel like I was losing my ability to control her, I would make her jealous of another woman. Her emotional torment was her punishment and the gratification of power exchange for me. Her dependence on my love reassured me she wouldn’t leave me. Only she eventually did.
I thought I was over the need to exert this because it has been a couple years since I’ve done it. After Melissa, nobody else was worth this kind of effort. I had my rules and I stuck to them, until Lourdes. The realization that she is under my skin, more than I thought, is a mind fuck. I should completely leave her alone. The fact that I’ve purposely tried to hurt her tonight, because I felt her pulling away, is a fucking overwhelming indicator that I have feelings for her. My ability to succeed at making her jealous tells me she has feelings for me to. We have obliterated the lines to this arrangement. I’m fucking selfish though. I can’t let her go.
“You’re right,” I finally tell her. “I lost control with you and that really bothered me. I haven’t been myself. I have personal stuff on my mind, but I do want to continue our arrangement.”
“I don’t know, Diesel. This hot and cold is—” I don’t let her finish that sentence. I’m on her in an instant. My mouth finds hers and I coax her to open for me. She melts in my arms and I know that I have her. She wraps her arms around my neck as I deepen the kiss. She’s mine and this kiss confirms it.
“Ummm Hmmm.” Desiree clears her throat behind us. Shit. Busted. “Does Xander know that you’re out here sucking face with his sister?”
“That is none of your business,” Lourdes fires, before I can get a word out.
“Oh, to the contrary, dear. I’m guessing Xander doesn’t know that the two of you are fucking, and that can destroy the chemistry of the band. So you see, it is my business.” The two women stare each other down. I think I recognize jealousy in Desiree too, but that can’t be. I’ve never touched her or given any indication that I wanted to. Yes, I’ve flirted a bit, but no more than I casually do with women as a persona.
“It’s not what you think.” Lourdes looks like she wants to kick me in the balls with that statement. It’s not like I can admit that Desiree’s right. She wants to keep this quiet, just like I do. That is the only reason she opened the car door for me.
“Don’t start lying to me, Diesel. I’m pretty perceptive. I picked up on you two the day I came and she was here. I’m surprised that Xander hasn’t picked up on it or the other guys. Maybe she just hides it well, until you’re around another woman. If those daggers she has been throwing me tonight is any indication, I’d say you’ve tapped that.” She breaks her stare with Lourdes to look at me. “And of course, it was your excuse to leave then, to make sure she didn’t leave mad about your flirting with me tonight,” she smirks.
“Okay, yes.” Lying is useless at this point, so I just need to make sure she will keep her mouth closed.
“Lourdes and I are involved. It’s private, so we’ll just leave it at that. I trust that you will keep this to yourself.” Lourdes makes a move to get in the car, but I stop her. No way in hell she is leaving upset after we gotten past the other shit.
“My lips are sealed, but careful, darlings. This will blow up in your faces, but it’s not my place to say anything. Just don’t fuck up the morale of the band.” Our discussion is cut short by the Xander and Lily coming outside. I quickly step away from Lourdes.
“Remember what I said,” I whisper. “I want this with you.” No explanation needed. She knows what “this” is.
“I was wondering where you all disappeared to,” Xander says.
“We were seeing Lourdes off,” Desiree fills in quickly. “And I wanted to invite Lourdes to lunch when I get back for Cali in a week.” Lourdes’s face pales at this suggestion. I’m sure she’d rather cut an extremity off.
“Oh, that would be nice.” Xander has no idea.
“Yes, I think so. I’m sure she will be around quite a bit, and it would be nice to get away from the testosterone from time to time. What do you say, Lourdes?”
“Sure. Xander has my number. Call me when you get back.” That fake smile on her face is almost believable. “Well, guys, I really do need to get on the road before it gets too late.” She hugs her brother and mouths, “later” to me.
At least there will be a later. Shit is getting more and more muddled with each passing day.
I officially hate that Desiree bitch. Her conniving ways are glaringly obvious—so manipulative. She wants Diesel and I can see it. “You’re not the only one that is perceptive,” was what I wanted to say. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to make waves with their manager, but damn I wanted to slap her. Then she had the audacity to invite me to lunch—fake ass bitch. Gah, I’m fuming. I don’t know what pisses me off more; the fact that I know that she is into Diesel or that she tried to get in our business? I don’t even want to think about her on the road with them. She looks like a woman that is use to getting what she wants.
Then there’s Diesel. He insists that he still wants our arrangement. That kiss was very convincing, so different from the one this afternoon. I think we’re both struggling to make sense of what we’re actually doing. The arrangement is okay, but I think it is a guise for what we are both feeling. I felt it in the way he held me this afternoon. I think it scared the shit out of him. This is new for me, too. I won’t push though. As long as we are moving forward, I will try to be patient. Progress is progress. I’m done lying to myself. I want more. What “more” is remains to be seen. I don’t know that it looks like. I just know that I want whatever it is with him.
My cell rings and I see that it is Diesel calling. I can’t talk to him right now. We will talk, but not now while I’m so confused on what I want to say—how much I want to admit. I’m afraid all of this will end when I tell him the truth. He’s going to run. I’m not trying to force him into anything, but I do think it is important he knows where I stand. I will call him tomorrow. For now, I don’t want to think about it.
I look over at Brooke’s bed and the ton of shit she has back on it. I’m guessing she is still out with James, but just in case she comes back she needs to get in her own bed. I don’t want any company tonight. I just want my space. I get like this when I’m sad. I’m sad because I’m worried about how tomorrow is going to play out, once I confess to Diesel that I have developed feelings. I walk over to Brooke’s bed and shove all her shit onto the floor until there is nothing left. A little extreme? Maybe. I climb into my bed after changing into gym shorts and a tee. I just want to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything. My phone rings a few more times before I turn the ringer off. Sorry, Diesel. I cover my head with my blanket and wait for
sleep to take me.
I feel arms wrap around my waist. I’m ready ask Brooke what the hell she is doing, but even in complete darkness, I can tell these are not Brooke’s arms. “Diesel?”
“Shhhh. Yes, princess. Sleep.” I have to be dreaming. How in the hell would he have gotten in here? He pulls me closer into his embrace and I’m happy to indulge in the illusion. I close my eyes and let sleep take me under once again.
“Wake up, Lourdes.” I wake to Diesel shaking me, and Brooke standing over us with her arms crossed.
“He is going to get us in trouble, if they find him up here,” Brooke says. I look up at him and his messy bedhead makes me smile.
“Wait. How did you get in here?” I ask, finally snapping out of dreamland.
“I thought you snuck him in last night. I went to go sleep in Caroline’s room,” Brooke says.
“Some blonde chick let me in last night. I think she said her name was Caroline. She felt sorry for me just sitting on the front steps outside.”
“And why were you sitting outside? Didn’t Lourdes know you were out there?”
“She wouldn’t answer her phone, so I had to drive an hour to see her. Then she didn’t answer phone for me to tell her I was here,” Diesel confesses. God. He has just opened a shit ton of worms for me. Brooke is going to want to get to the bottom of this. She is like a dog with a bone.
At least it was Caroline. She is such a sweetheart. She won’t tell anyone he’s up here, but we now need a way to sneak him downstairs.
“I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but he needs to go now—before everybody wakes up. It’s just after six now, so maybe we can get him out unseen.” Diesel jumps out of the bed and starts to put on his shoes. “Meet me outside in ten,” he says before kissing me on the cheek. I smile like a giddy schoolgirl.
“Ah, hell,” Brooke groans as soon he is out the door. “You have went and caught feelings.” My grin widens even more. “Stop grinning like a Cheshire cat. I knew you weren’t ready for big leagues. It’s ‘just fucking’ she said. ‘Just fucking’ my ass. You’re in love with him.”
