by S. R. Watson
“Oh shut it, Brooke. Let me have this moment. He came to be with me last night.” Desiree was staying at the lake house until this morning, and he came to be with me. Maybe my little confession won’t be so bad, after all. It gives me a little more confidence to tell him. I won’t go as far as to say it’s love, but I definitely feel strongly for him.
“The dick must have been really good to have you singing a different tune so quick.” She doesn’t know the half of it because I haven’t told her everything. This was a gradual build over a few months. I’m just finally at a point where I cannot only recognize it. I can admit it.
“God, I thought I was a pessimist.” I shake my head as I pull a change of clothes out of my drawer. I need to shower so it’s going to be more than ten minutes.
“Just looking out for you, but I will say no more. I know that is not what you want to hear, so I’ll stop. We do need to find some time to talk though. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore. We haven’t had much time together, lately.”
“I agree. Let’s talk later today.” I plan on skipping my history class this morning. I won’t miss much. Besides I have perfect attendance up until this point. I’ll get the notes from Caroline.
“Fine. Don’t forget.” That pacifies her for now. I hurry down to our community bath so I can meet Diesel.
“What time is your class?” Diesel asks as soon as I walk up to him. He is sitting on his motorcycle.
“Eight, but I’m not going.”
“Uh. Yes, you are. I won’t be the reason you miss class. We have an hour to talk and get breakfast before I head back.” I fold my arms and pout, but he laughs. “That won’t work on me, princess.”
“Fine. Where are we going?”
“It’s your campus. You tell me,” he points out.
“ I don’t want to eat here. We don’t have to go anywhere special, just away from here.” I don’t know how he is going to react. I’d rather not run into anyone I know, if the talk doesn’t go, as I would like it to.
“Okay. Cracker Barrel it is, then.” He winks.
“Fine by me.” I hop on the back of his bike and it purrs to life. I hold on tight through the turns. I bury my nose into his shirt, committing his natural scent to memory, in case this is the last time. This morning will be our defining moment. Things can go either way, but I won’t let him run. He will have to acknowledge my feelings and decide how we will proceed; none of this “we’ll talk later” business. When we arrive, we get a quiet booth in the corner. We wait until the server takes our order before we address “the talk.”
“We need to talk,” we both blurt out at the same time. He laughs and I join in, more so to hide my nerves.
“You first, princess,” he says. Now I’m even more afraid. The little confidence I had going into this is gone. What if last night was meant to be a courtesy “let’s go our separate ways” night? I mean, he didn’t he try to have sex with me and he refused to let me miss class this morning. He is heading back home after this. Shit. What if this is my final dismissal? “Get out of your head, Lourdes. Just tell me what’s on your mind. You’re overthinking something, so just tell me.”
I’m scared shitless, so I just blurt it out before I talk myself out of it. “I have feelings for you.” He is too quiet. He just looks at me and I don’t know what to make of it. “Please say something.”
“Lourdes. I already know.” She bites her lip nervously, and I have to say it’s quite endearing. I’ve been struggling with how to proceed from the moment I was able to admit to myself that I felt something for her too. I don’t even want to think of her walking away. She has gotten further with me than anyone has in a long time, yet I know that she will walk out of my life if I can’t give her what she is seeking. “I know because I feel it, too,” I finally admit. The mega watt smile that forms on her lips is priceless. She lets out a sigh of relief. I’m sure that was hard for her to tell me.
“I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“I can’t promise you anything. I will fuck up. I just ask for your patience.”
“What are you saying, Diesel?” I know that I have to try or I will lose her. I will give her the relationship that she wants.
“We can make it official,” I finally say. “I want you to be mine. I already promised to be exclusive. Just don’t expect me to be some over the top romantic douche, because I’m not that guy.” She grabs my hand across the table and squeezes.
“I don’t want that guy. I want you. My dom.” Now I really wish I didn’t have to do the responsible thing and let her go to class. I want to celebrate our new relationship while balls deep in her wetness.
Our omelets arrive and we both dig in. “So when do you want to tell Xander?” Lourdes’ face pales and her fork clatters against her plate.
“I’m not sure if that is a good idea, right now. He is so protective of me. I don’t want to cause tension for the band. Besides, you heard what Desiree said.”
“Fine. We’ll wait, for now. I guess I need to show him I can abstain from the groupies first, since I know that will be his biggest concern. We will have to eventually tell him though. If he finds out on his own, he will be so pissed.” She nods in agreement.
“We will. I think it needs to come from me.” She pauses briefly before she continues. “What happens when you guys leave for your tour? What will happen with us?”
“Come with us.” The minute that suggestion leaves my mouth, I wonder if that would be a good idea. Regardless, I’m willing to try.
“How? I have school.”
“Well, I think Xander is trying to convince Lily to take online classes, so that she could join us on the road sometimes. You could do the same thing. Couldn’t you?” She wouldn’t have to leave her life and friends to be on the road with us full time, but taking online classes will give her flexibility for a visit.
“I’ll have to see. I don’t know if all the classes that I plan to take in the spring have a online option.”
She takes a few bites of her omelet before she pushes it away. “I hope they do. I admit that it’ll be nice. If I’m going to be a music journalist, it will be nice to see the whole picture.”
“That’s it. That’s the only reason you would come.” I put my hand across my heart. “I’m crushed,” I joke.
“Okay. Maybe it would be great to see you, too.”
“Just maybe.”
“Hush. Come on. I need to get to class if I’m going.” I’m tempted to say fuck it and keep her to myself today, but I need to work on the selfish thing. I wave down our server to pay the bill.
“I can’t let you be a slacker because of me.” We’re heading out the door and I smack her ass. I love the roundness of it in the jeans she’s wearing. She turns to look at me and gasps. She looks around to see if anyone saw that. Her face is so red right now.
“What? You’re mine now, so everyone else can just fuck off. Your ass just looks too good in those jeans. Your fault.” She slaps my shoulder and rushes to my bike. Yeah, this is going to be so much fun. She’s about to find out what it really means to be mine. The gloves are really off now. I won’t hold back. I hope she is strong enough to handle all of my demons because I plan to introduce her to each and every one of them. I just hope she doesn’t run.
The day passes with a blur. I attend my classes and manage to be back to the room by one. Brooke is here so she must have skipped her last class.
“What are you doing here?”
“My chemistry professor canceled class today, so I finished early.” She pats a seat next to her on her bed and I know that she is ready to talk. “Are you ready to fill me in?”
“Yeah. I guess so.” There is just so much she doesn’t know about…so much that I’ve hidden about myself. I know that I can trust her. I’m finally ready to share those missing pieces. I start with telling her about Diesel. Well, everything except the D/s we partake in. Our sex life will remain private. Instead, I tel
l her that we’re official and about last night when Desiree caught us kissing.
“I don’t know what to say, Lourdes. Obviously you’re happy so I want that for you. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Diesel’s whole world is about to change. We both know how he’s gotten down in the past, not to mention his hot and cold.”
“I imagine we will have our ups and downs, just like any other couple. I don’t expect things to be perfect.” I sit on the bed next to her. “I know there will be women vying for his attention, but I’m willing to see if we can make it work.”
“I guess I’m just confused. This all seems so sudden. Just a few months ago you were withdrawn and hid behind baggy clothes and make-up. Not a single man could turn your head. You went out of your way to avoid them. Why the drastic change?”
And there it is. My opening. “Brooke I was raped.”
“No. No. No. I figured it was something like that. I just didn’t want it to be true. I’m so sorry. Didn’t mean to push.” She is a blubbering mess.
“Stop. You’re fine. I want to tell you.” It’s not a story I like to relive, but for her I will. She has been so supportive from the beginning with my mood swings, bitchiness, and just overall weirdness. She deserves the truth.
“It was stepdad number three. After my mom left Xander’s dad, she met and married Thomas. She is completely in love with him and her marriage to him has lasted the longest. The first six months was fine, but then he started sneaking into my room.”
“Oh God, Lourdes. How old were you?” Tears start to well in my eyes, but I have to continue.
“I was sixteen. It was my junior year. He threatened to beat me and to leave my mother. She was so happy with him, Brooke. I couldn’t be the cause of her to lose yet another husband. I know better now, but then he had me brainwashed. He knew everything to say. I became his toy. The visits at night became more and more frequent, until I was a shell of my former self. I fucking endured that abuse for two years. I would tell my mother I was staying over at a friend’s, just to get away from him when really I would sleep in a park or whatever place I could find.” I’m full out crying now.
“Oh, Lourdes.” Brooke hugs me and she is crying with me. “You can’t let him get away with this. You have to tell your mom. What if he is doing this to somebody else now?”
“I can’t, Brooke. I’m not there yet. It took a lot just to tell you and you’re my best friend. Please promise you won’t say anything until I’m ready.” She nods her understanding, but I know how much she hates to agree to that. “Diesel has saved me. He makes me feel whole again. My sexuality and how much I give is on my terms. For the first time, I have a normal relationship where I’m free to share my body with someone I care about. He makes me feel sexy and desired. Even when I tried to push him away, he wouldn’t give up. He saw past all the baggy clothes and make-up, just like you did. He saw me, Brooke.” She wipes the tears from her eyes.
“Okay, babe. All of this just breaks my heart, but I want you to be happy. I’m rooting for you guys. I’m glad that he is that for you—someone that can make you feel whole again. I love you, Lourdes. And when you’re ready to bring that sick bastard to justice, I will be there to hold your hand.”
I’m so glad that I got all of that out. There are no more lies between us. The kink between Diesel and I isn’t a lie. I have to keep some stuff personal with my man.
‘My man.’ That has a nice ring to it. I wipe my own tears and try to put those painful memories away. I need happy thoughts. I need Diesel.
“Do you mind if I use your car again?”
“You’re going see Diesel again, aren’t you?” She smiles and shakes her head. “You know you can,” she answers, even before I can answer.
“That transparent, huh?”
“Yeah. Pretty much. What are you going to tell Xander? That you’re there to visit him again?” She laughs out loud at her own joke. “You two are going to have to come clean sooner rather than later. That rouse you have going on is not going to last long.”
“I know. I’ll talk to him soon. It needs to come from me anyway.”
“Mhmm. Get out of here. Go see your man,” she teases. She hands me her keys and I’m out the door within minutes. I’m giddy the whole drive over. This is what Diesel does for me. He erases the pain when I’m with him. I wish I could make Xander see it that way, but there is no way in hell I’m ready to share what happened to me. He would go ape shit crazy. He needs to focus on their new record deal. I’ll just tell Xander that I wanted to see him and Lily again before she leaves, since I didn’t stick around last night. I’ll figure out how to tell him the truth, but I need time. I just hope Diesel is happy to see me.
The door is unlocked again so I just let myself in. These guys need to really work on that. I run up the stairs. I didn’t see the Escalade parked out front, but I did see Diesel’s bike. I’m hoping from the quietness means that they’re all gone. Alone time with Diesel would be good right now.
“Sevyn, you need to get the fuck out of here before the guys get back. You know you’re supposed to wait for green light to show up here,” Diesel growls. Holy shit. I pause on the steps leading to the main level on the second floor. Apparently neither of them heard me come in, due to their heated argument. I’ve only heard Diesel take this tone once before, and it was last night when he was on the phone with this Sevyn person when I came up the stairs.
“Look. I know you’re pissed at me for what happened with Lourdes, but I put a stop to it immediately. Don’t renege on our agreement. I need you, Diesel.” I recognize that voice. Is he arguing with himself? Why is he saying he needs himself? What.The. Fuck? Curiosity gets the best of me and I have to see what is going on. I’m not prepared for what I see. My whole fucking world has just been tilted on its axis. I. Can’t. Breathe.
“There…There… are twooooo of you?” I stutter. What the ever loving fuck is going on?
“Fucccccck!” I don’t even know who in the hell is speaking. One of the twins paces the floor, while the other takes a seat on the sofa and puts his head in his hands. I start to back away slowly. The hot and cold is starting to make sense. Apparently I was with the “Sevyn one” yesterday on the sofa watching Elementary and that is why Diesel was pissed. “Lourdes wait,” the one pacing says as he reaches for me.
“Who the fuck are you?” I cry. The tears are back full force now. Oh God. I kissed and dry humped Sevyn yesterday. Have I fucked him too? Have I unknowingly slept with both brothers?
“It’s me, Diesel. And that is my brother, Sevyn,” he says pointing at his identical twin on the sofa. Shit they’re identical down to their tattoos and swagger. That can’t be by accident. They have gone to great lengths to fool people, but why? I feel violated all over again. I thought was in control of my sexuality, choosing whom I gave my body to. I don’t even know whom I fucked right now. How can Diesel be this cruel? How can he break me like this? It took courage to get to this point and he’s just undone it all in an instant. How do I come back from this? I cry even harder now.
“I figured that much, jackass. Stay the fuck away from me. You and your sick ass brother,” I shout.
“Please let me explain,” he begs, reaching for me again. I dodge his grasp.
“I don’t want to hear shit you have to say. You…” I can’t even finish my sentence. I don’t have the strength to argue with him right now. I’m about to have a total meltdown and I’ll be damned if I give him the satisfaction of seeing it. I turn and run back the way I came, as far as my feet will carry me.
“Lourdes!” I hear Diesel call after me.
“Give her some space, Diesel,” I hear Sevyn say. It’s so crazy that even their voices are identical. One thing is for certain. I hate them both for what they did to me. I find myself back in the mental place that I’d managed to escape from two years ago. I get in the car and peel off down the street. I don’t even know where I’m headed, but it is definitely in the opposite direction of the university.
They’re going to feel betrayed, too. This is going to destroy our chemistry for sure. I don’t even know the future of Sex in Numbers, at this point. Will they still want to be a band after they find out what I’ve been up to—Sevyn’s real identity? They know him by name only. They question why he never came around, but respect my privacy enough not to pry. This is all coming to a head and I’m literally afraid of the outcome. I may just lose the woman that has actually come to mean something to me, and my band, in the same fucking day. I will talk to Xander first about Sevyn and try to make him understand. Our switch in and out of the house was not malicious or intended to hurt anyone, yet that is exactly what happened. This is one big cluster fuck, and I don’t know if I will be able to fix it.
First, we would like to thank our readers. Sex in Numbers exists because of you. Your support has been inspiring and is greatly appreciated. Next we want to thank Golden Czermak (FuriousFotog), Louisa Maggio (LM Creations), Karen Hrdlicka (Barren Acres Editing), Stacey Blake (Champagne Formats), Kylie Dermott (Give Me Books), and Debra Presley (Book Enthusiast Promotions) for their critical eyes, encouragement, creativity, and incredible talent. They each played a vital role in making Sex in Numbers the best it could be. A big thanks goes to all the blogs who participated in the cover reveal, blog tour, and release day blitz. Last, but certainly not least, we want to thank our personal assistant, Renee McKinney for keeping us organized as well as Lauren Weber and Christina Stanton for their fill in assistance.
