Till Forever

by Elena Matthews

  I understand he’s heartbroken over the loss of his mom—we all are—and as much as I want to be there for him, it’s hard to feel wanted when I feel invisible to him all over again. He hasn’t kissed or made love to me in over a week. I’m not a sex-crazed lunatic, but some level of intimacy would be nice, especially with the tough week we’ve all had.

  I’m so afraid he’s going to let another loss tear us apart. I just pray he’ll snap out of this trance he seems to be in sooner rather than later because, if I’m forced to walk away from him a second time, even though I promised his mother that I’d look after him, there will be no going back from that. No third chances. No new beginnings.

  I won’t give up on him, but I also won’t let him take me for granted either. If I walk away, it’ll be because I’ve tried everything else. Right now though, I’m going to keep fighting for him, and after the reception tonight, the boxing gloves are going to make an appearance.

  Mia

  After Alana’s incredible send-off, everyone heads back to the house for the reception. Tyler wordlessly disappears up to his old bedroom, and I leave him be and stay downstairs to mingle with family members I haven’t seen since the wedding. It gets a little awkward, especially when people ask how I’m doing after the miscarriage.

  I respond with the monotone answer, “I’m fine,” before quickly making myself scarce.

  With that and people telling me to pass their condolences to a missing Tyler, who can’t be bothered to show his face at the reception, it’s not long before I’m heading in the direction of the upstairs bathroom. There’s a toilet downstairs, but I just need a minute of peace to myself, away from everyone else.

  However, the tranquility I desperately seek isn’t to be found. Instead, what I do find the instant I open the bathroom door is Jo and Drew in a passionate embrace—meaning they’re screwing each other’s brains out on the vanity. Squeezing my eyes shut when my eyes fall on Drew’s ass—which, by the way, is hot as hell—I slam the door closed and stifle a giggle as I lean against the door.

  Oh my God.

  And, yes, it’s a total Janice from Friends kind of oh my God.

  Normal people would flee the scene, but I purposely wait along the opposite wall just to see the expressions on their faces when they walk out. After today and the crazy week, I need a little entertainment in my life.

  From the sound of it, my interruption didn’t slow their pace down, and a few seconds later, I hear Jo moan, “God, Drew, yes!”

  A minute later, I try to hold back my smirk as I see the door handle turn, and a flustered Jo steps out with Drew following behind, but I fail miserably when her eyes fall on me, shock paramount on her face.

  I shake my head, feigning mock disapproval. “Wow, afternoon delight in the middle of the reception and with your son just downstairs, Jo. Shame on you.”

  Drew sniggers lightly under his breath, and Jo smiles coyly at my teasing tone.

  “What can I say? It’s been an emotional day,” Drew says, smile wide.

  “Well, I did come upstairs to take a breather away from the madness downstairs, but I honestly don’t think I can look at that vanity without picturing Drew’s thrusting ass,” I rib.

  With another deep laugh, Drew presses a kiss to Jo’s temple before stepping away.

  “I’m thirsty after working you over. I’m going to grab a beer,” he says with a mischievous grin.

  I giggle when he heads in the direction of the stairs. I return my gaze to Jo, who’s desperately trying to straighten her hair out as she brushes through the strands.

  “Relax. Your hair is fine. I need some fresh air. Come with me.”

  We head downstairs, making a detour to the kitchen where we each grab a glass of wine before heading out back. It’s a little chilly out, around fifty-eight degrees, but Samuel, always the planner, put out patio heaters—you know, for those who might want a smoke—but honestly, I’m sure we’re the first to step out onto the patio. The ashtrays lay bare of any ash, and I’m thankful for that because smoking at the reception of a woman who died of lung cancer is just fucking cruel.

  “How are you doing?” I ask Jo as I settle into a chair, shivering a little.

  She switches the nearest patio heater on and sits beside me. “I’m doing okay,” she says, taking a sip of wine. “After I returned home the night she died, I cried for a full hour in Drew’s chest, but once I got it out of my system, having Drew at my side has made it a little easier to cope. Honestly, I thought I’d be a sobbing mess, but surprisingly, I’ve found other ways to deal with it.”

  I breathe out a laugh. “Yeah, sex.”

  She chuckles before taking another gulp, whereas my wine remains untouched on the table.

  “Oh God, I can’t believe you walked in on us. How much of a terrible person am I? I mean, who has sex at the reception of the person who was more a mom to you than your own?”

  “Um, apparently, you,” I retort, sniggering, finally lifting my glass of wine and taking a small sip. I’m not gonna lie; it tastes so good. After such an intense week, this is definitely well deserved.

  She shakes her head, her eyes looking off into the distance before returning back to me. “Today was so fucking hard,” she begins with a slight tremble to her voice. “Especially with being so close to Christopher’s grave and saying the final good-bye.

  “After the funeral, I was so overcome with emotion. After almost losing Drew earlier in the year, it put life into perspective, and suddenly, the only thing I could focus on was Drew. I wanted to lose my inhibitions with him, feel alive. Does that make sense?”

  I gently nod my head. “Yes, so much so that I’m actually jealous of you.”

  She frowns, confused. “Why?”

  “Because Tyler hasn’t so much as touched me all week, and I’d do anything to feel any kind of intimacy from him, but I just feel like a ghost. He’s doing what he always does—hiding his emotions.”

  She gives me a sad look, inching forward a little in her chair. “Is it like last time?”

  “I don’t know,” I admit. “I’m trying to give him the space he needs to work through his pain, but the more space I give him, the more it feels like he’s pushing me away. He’s utterly heartbroken, but I need him to let me in.”

  My eyes fill with more tears, and I huff out in annoyance when a pesky tear rolls down my face. I wipe it away with the back of my hand. “God, I am so sick of fucking crying.”

  Jo sets her glass down. “Come here,” she beckons, pulling me into a hug. “It sounds to me like he’s being typical Tyler. When things get hard, rather than dealing with them, he buries them as deep as he can, but you’ve got to try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine what he’s going through,” she says, pulling back and looking me in the eye. “He’s only just recovered from the baby and getting you back, and bam, he’s hit with something else. He’s one man. He can only cope with so much in such a short amount of time, you know?”

  “I know. I feel his pain like it’s my own. I just need him to want me, to let me comfort him instead of letting it all stew.”

  “Well, at least you guys have one thing in your favor now.”

  “And what’s that?” I ask, pulling away, intrigued.

  “There’s only one of you in mourning this time, and you can help pull him back to the surface instead of you both drowning together.”

  I nod, realizing she’s right. I can be the strength to pull him out of this funk he’s found himself in—unlike last time when we became so lost that we hardly had the strength for ourselves, let alone each other.

  “But he’s stubborn and too proud to give in to the emotions,” Jo adds as she sits back against the chair, crossing her legs. “So, if you’ve got to show him the tough love, don’t be afraid to stand your ground.”

  “Oh, believe me, I won’t,” I say, tipping back the wine and taking a healthy gulp. “I should probably go find Junior and explain his uncle’s behavior. The way Tyler ignored him at the church wh
en all Junior wanted was a high five broke my heart.”

  Jo shakes her head. “It’s fine. He knows why his uncle is being an ass. He was a bit upset in the car on the way here, but I explained that Tyler isn’t his usual self because of how sad he is and to not take it personally. He seemed to understand.”

  “How’s Junior taking all of this?”

  “Really well. He misses his grandma, but he has comfort in knowing she’s up in heaven with his dad. He always finds the positive in everything. His strength knows no bounds. I honestly wish I had his strength.”

  “He’s a good kid. He’s going to do incredible things with his life.”

  “I know, and that’s what fucking scares me,” she says with a nervous laugh.

  We talk for a while longer, and once I’ve finished my last drop of wine, I decide we’ve hidden out here long enough.

  “As much as I don’t want to, I think I should finally make an appearance back inside,” I say as I stand to my full height. “Are you coming in?”

  “Yeah, I will in a minute.” She smiles.

  “Okay, see you inside.”

  I walk toward the door, but before I head back inside, I turn to Jo with a smirk dancing along my lips. “Oh, and if you find you’re unable to contain yourself around Drew when you head back in, be sure to lock the damn door. I mean, as much as I loved the sight of Drew’s ass, my guess is not everyone will appreciate the same kind of peep show.”

  She gives out a hearty laugh. “Will do.”

  After such a long and tiring day, I’m thankful when I’m able to go home, a hot steaming bath the only thing I’ve been longing for over the past two hours.

  Tyler eventually made his way downstairs, but it was only to grab a bottle of whiskey before heading out back, no doubt trying to seek solace out in the tree house. I followed him through the kitchen, just wanting him to acknowledge I still existed, and he did but only to tell me he wanted to be alone. So, with that, I headed inside, and since I still owed Junior a game of Operation from Thanksgiving, I spent the rest of the evening letting a seven-year-old whoop my ass.

  After saying good night to everyone and promising to have lunch with Ava and Ashton the next day before they head back to Seattle tomorrow evening, Tyler and I head on home. The car ride is filled with utter silence, and I find myself stewing more and more, the closer we get to the house. I’ve barely even parked the car when he’s already out of the door like a shot, almost like he can’t wait to get away from me.

  Since I knew we’d be out of the house all day, we sent Harley to stay at the kennel until tomorrow, so I enter a house that feels cold and uninviting with no furry friend to greet me.

  Immediately, I kick off my heels and grab a glass of water from the kitchen before heading upstairs.

  I hear Tyler peeing in the en suite bathroom as I enter our bedroom. I switch the side light on, set my water down, and begin to get undressed. I’m down to my underwear when he walks back in the bedroom. I glance his way with anticipation to see if his eyes trace the red lace of my underwear, but I’m hit with a bout of disappointment when he all but walks past me, as if I’m not even on his radar.

  After such an emotional day, I crave intimacy that only he can give. I want him to want me, and without sounding needy, I just want his attention.

  I watch as he begins to strip down to his boxer briefs, fury rising within me when he doesn’t even look my way, not even a side look.

  “You know, I caught Drew and Jo having sex in the bathroom earlier,” I snap, causing the boxing gloves to finally make an appearance.

  He frowns as his gaze finally falls on mine before looking away. “Why would you tell me that?” he asks, almost disgusted, as he peels his socks off.

  What he probably doesn’t even realize is that it’s the second thing he’s said to me all day.

  “Because they were so caught up in the emotion of today that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, needing to feel the solace of each other. But you,” I all but sneer, “it’s like you can’t bear to look at me.”

  He scoffs as he sits on the bed and unbuckles his watch.

  “I mean, I’m standing here in only my underwear, in the lacy kind that I know you love, but I’m pretty sure you haven’t even noticed. Hell, I’d be amazed if you knew what color they were.”

  He purposefully turns his head, and his eyes graze along the length of my body. The surprise I see flicker there proves to me how clueless he’s been, wandering aimlessly like a lost little puppy.

  “You’re doing it again,” I state the instant he turns away. I wander to his side of the bed, forcing him to look at me.

  “Doing what?” he grumbles.

  “Pushing me away.”

  He lets out a heavy sigh. “My mom died, Mia,” he points out, as if I didn’t already know this, his tone a little angry.

  “Yes, your mom died, but I didn’t!” I yell, unable to control myself. “I’m still right here, but, God, I might as well be on the other side of the universe, for all you fucking care.”

  I note the way his jaw clenches and how he grinds down on his back molars before biting back.

  “I’m grieving,” he spits out. “Am I not allowed to be sad, for fuck’s sake?” he argues, huffing with exasperation.

  “Of course you’re allowed to be sad, but this,” I say, pointing to him, “this is not the definition of sad. You are cold, emotionless, depressed, and it scares me because it’s like déjà fucking vu all over again,” I grit out, feeling my blood pressure rise as the fury circles around my heart.

  His nostrils flare, but he remains silent.

  “I understand you’re devastated—we all are—but if you’re going to retreat back into yourself and pretend like I don’t exist, then we might as well give up on everything we’ve worked so hard to fight for. I should just head back to my apartment now if that’s how you want to play it.”

  I know I’ve hit a nerve when his emotionless eyes grow wild, and he fists his hands together. Happy I’ve got his undivided attention, I step closer until we’re only inches apart, and I harden my stare on him, desperately wanting to break through his facade.

  “I gave you a second chance, and I feel it slipping from our grasp because you’re trying to bury your emotions when you don’t have to. I’m your wife, and we vowed forever, so I’m begging you, let me in. Let me carry your emotions with you instead of pushing me away. Let me be there for you.”

  He remains wordless for a long minute, simply gazing into my eyes. I see the moment his hardened walls collapse when a mixture of real sadness and guilt pales his face. Unexpectedly, he reaches out to me and pulls me to him, nuzzling between my breasts as he lets out a shuddering whimper, the very sound breaking my heart.

  “I’m sorry, baby,” he croaks into my chest.

  My fingers smooth through his hair, thankful for the tiniest bit of emotion from him.

  “Please don’t leave me. I love you. Please don’t leave me,” he grits out, as if the thought of life without me is too unbearable. “I just lost myself in my pain. I never like to admit this, but my mom…she was like a best friend to me, and I guess her death has hit me harder than I ever anticipated, but I didn’t mean to push you away.” He raises his head and looks up at me, his eyes glistening with his grief-stricken sorrow. “I-I…just…I’m just…I’m not good with emotions. I never know how to deal with things when they turn to shit.”

  I nod, bringing his face between my fingers, my thumb caressing along the wetness coating his cheeks. “I know, but we’re a team, a unit, and we deal with stuff like this together. This is what almost destroyed us in the past—you keeping me at arm’s length at the most difficult time of our lives. It can’t be like this every time life gets too hard, Tyler. You can’t pretend the world and the people around you don’t exist, especially me. I can’t live like a ghost. I won’t live like a ghost. I’m right here, in your arms, just waiting to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart. Don’t push me a
way, baby. Please, not again,” I say, my voice cracking at the impact of my pleading.

  I know I’m probably being a little harsh with him, but with Tyler, tough love is all he understands. He nods as he inches back a little before pulling me onto his lap where I effortlessly straddle his thighs, my fingers settling against his bare shoulders.

  “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “I do, and I’m guessing it wouldn’t be pretty,” I say in a lighthearted tone.

  His lips pull up in the barest of smiles.

  My fingers thread through his hair. “Hopefully, we’ll never have to find out again. I know your mom’s death will hurt for a long time, just as your brother’s death still hurts six years later, but I’m here whenever you need me. Even if you just want to let your frustrations out by yelling at me or to use my body for some sort of release, yell at me, use me. Just let me be there for you.”

  “So, what if I said I wanted to fuck you senseless in the ass from behind?” His dirty question alone gives me an indicator that I’ve got my Tyler back—or at least, some small part of him.

  “Then, I wouldn’t stop you. You can do whatever you want. I’m yours,” I say off the bat, meaning every word.

  The twinkle that’s been missing in his eyes for over a week glows with arousal, and heat immediately swirls around us.

  “You’d let me fuck you in the ass?” he asks, disbelief heightening his features.

  “If that’s what you want, then yes.”

  His eyes widen, and suddenly, he flips me onto my back and hovers over me, looking down at me with a need I’ve desperately been craving for days now.

  “As much as I would love to claim your ass, I can’t abuse that with some mindless fucking, but do you mind if I take my frustrations out on your pretty pussy?”

  I wrap my legs around his waist, shifting my hips as I press against him. “My pussy is all yours,” I say with a breathy exhale.