Poke Checking

by Kristen Echo

  “Explain why that is. You’re so loveable and so am I.” Caroline smiled and flipped her hair over her shoulder. He laughed, and she accomplished her goal of lightening the moon.

  “After you hear this, you might not feel that way about me anymore. My rookie year I was overwhelmed. I’d just lost my dad and my mom the year before that. Everything happened fast, and I chose not to be alone. I met a girl who called herself my biggest fan, and I was flattered. We fucked for a while. She was messed in the head like me, and I thought we were helping each other through it. I wasn’t faithful, but she wanted me to be. A few months into the relationship, it became clear she was infatuated or in love, and I… I wasn’t. I told her what she wanted to hear, so she’d keep coming around.”

  Caroline shifted on his legs. Hearing about him with other women sucked. She pictured him hurting and finding solace in the arms of others. She wanted to be the only one to comfort him. He needed to be loved. It hurt her heart to hear how lost he’d been. She diverted her eyes away from his. The sorrow and pain there was too much to take.

  “Remember, I told you this doesn’t paint me as a good guy. I’m not; I was selfish and lonely. She knew about my family, my sister and all that. She used it against me for months. Saying she loved me, and that if I didn’t love her more and exclusively, she’d end her life. That mind fuck was too much. We played the happy couple, and I said the words. But I was miserable. I cared for her, maybe it was more. Love wasn’t supposed to suck. She needed help, and I thought my dick was the answer. Hell, I don’t know what I was doing. After a few more months of that crap, I had had enough. I called her bluff and ended things like a coward over the phone. She threatened to slit her wrists unless I came over. It was the same routine only I didn’t go. I gave her the number for a crisis line and called her folks. They didn’t get there in time. Her death was one hundred percent my fault. I didn’t get her the help she needed. My love wasn’t enough. I fucked up, and I haven’t dated since. The very thought of saying those three words makes me want to be sick.”

  “Oh, Nico.”

  “Told you I’m messed up. The last conversation I had with my sister happened while I was rushing to get to a practice. She looked so sad, but I was too busy. I told her I loved her and left. I never saw her again. Two people needed me to save them and I couldn’t.” His voice trembled, and he closed his eyes.

  She leaned over and peppered his face with kisses. “That wasn’t your fault; any more than my mother’s suicide was my fault. I blamed myself for a long time, thinking had I walked into her room sooner I might have saved her. She wasn’t even cold yet, but the pills had worked their magic long before I arrived. It took years for me to accept that truth. Those of us left behind will always struggle with what we could have done, but if it hadn’t been that day it would have been another. Nico, listen to me. Those deaths are not your fault.” She kissed his eyelids.

  “I know you’re right. My therapy sessions have helped me work through some of the guilt. But I should have done more and keeping a distance is the only way I know to prevent something like that from happening again. You deserve to be with someone who has their shit together. A guy who can love you like you deserve. Christ, your father will skin me alive if he knew I’d laid a finger on you; never mind blew my load inside you. I’m so fucked because I can’t stop wanting you.”

  “Then don’t stop. You speak with your body. We are so good together. My father will have to deal with it. He’ll come around when he sees how happy I am, and how in love I am. When you’re ready, the words will come and I’m not in a rush to hear them. I can wait.”

  He reached out and caressed her chin. “You shouldn’t have to wait. Love sucks and I might never say those words. If I hurt you, my career is as good as flushed down the toilet. I don’t want to fuck this up, but I might and then what? Hockey is my life and I love playing with my team. Hell, my job might already be tanked. The guys weren’t lying when they said our contracts forbid any kind of fraternizing with staff. It’s against the rules to sleep with any employees, regardless of position.”

  “I’m not an employee. My parents bought the team and when my mom died her shares were divided between my sister and me. They’re held in a trust and my father has sole authority. At twenty-one, technically I could have joined him, taking on an ownership role, but I didn’t want that. We signed papers earlier in the year, making me a silent owner. So, I’m not staff or remotely involved with the team. We’re safe.”

  “That’s semantics and we’re walking a very thin line. I bet your dad won’t see it that way.” Nico ran his fingers through his hair and took a few deep breaths. “I fucking hate what I’m about to ask you, but I can’t see my way around it. Can we keep our relationship on the down-low for a little longer? I want to be the man you think I am and the last thing I want to do is hurt you, Caroline. But give me some time to try being in a relationship and see if I can get past my issues.”

  “I’ve hated keeping things from him, but if you need more time, then—”

  “Don’t answer right now. Honestly, so much has been said we both need time to think. I’m going to clean up.” He kissed the tip of her nose and got out of bed. He didn’t look back as he walked out of her room. The water ran in the shower. He didn’t invite her, and she gave him a moment to process everything that had been said and done.

  An hour went by and he still hadn’t returned. Caroline didn’t need time to know the answer. Nico was the man she wanted to build a future with and everything she learned only helped to solidify her feelings for him. She understood him in a way few others would ever be able and he got her too. If he needed time to realize what she already knew, then she’d give him as many weeks as he needed.

  When Nicolas finally came out, he looked perfect with the towel wrapped around his hips and a grin that dared her to walk away. He carried far too much weight on his twenty-five-year-old shoulders. It was clear he needed her just as much as she needed him. Nicolas Ivarsson was her boyfriend, and she had no intention of giving him up. She loved him too much to walk away.

  They’d have to figure out how to tell her father the good news. But that conversation would happen much later. She hoped Nico wouldn’t make her wait too long, but she would wait forever if that’s what it took. It wasn’t a game, she was in this for the long haul and she would prove it.

  Nico’s eyes widened as she pulled back the covers and crawled towards him. “You’re still naked.”

  “Drop the towel and join me,” she said, reaching for the terry-cloth. They had said all that needed to be said; now she wanted to feel. She needed to show him how much she loved without words.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  T he next morning, they didn’t make love before Nico left for practice. His kiss told her everything she needed to know. He loved her, even if he wasn’t ready to say it. He proved his feelings by introducing her to his friends and by worshipping her body. That man had so much love to give and she wanted it all. Everything would work out, it had to.

  She needed a sounding board; someone who wouldn’t judge her, but offered great advice. “I’m in trouble.”

  “What happened? Who do I need to kill or did you kill someone? If that’s the case, I can borrow my brother’s truck to dispose of the body. Don’t worry; I’ve got your back.” Maddy’s flair for theatrics never ceased to make her laugh.

  “No, you goof. I’m in love and he doesn’t think he can love me back.”

  She sighed and Caroline heard cupboard doors opening and closing. “You woke me up to discuss your love life. You’re aware it’s not noon yet, right?” Her best friend rarely opened her eyes before one in the afternoon.

  “Make your coffee and help me. I told him I loved him and now I don’t know what to do.”

  “Girl what have I told you about laying down the L-word too quickly? Besides, last night you planned to spill the Northcote beans. How did that go or did you chicken out again?”

  “The timing wasn�
�t right. But he knows. It was messy and not at all as I had rehearsed but he didn’t run.” Caroline gave her the play-by-play, leaving out the blowjob and make up sex. Maddy listened and didn’t interrupt.

  “So, let me get this straight. You professed your love, and he told you he’ll never say it back.” When Caroline didn’t respond, she continued talking. “He might be a great guy, but he’s not worth it. His emotional baggage is pretty hefty and it will drown you. Don’t shoot the messenger, but I’m not sure he’ll be there for you when it counts. He wants you to lie to your dad. Caroline, you are his dirty little secret. Which sounds hot, but take away the sex and what do you have?”

  Maddy didn’t get it because she’d never been in love. The sex wasn’t the glue to their relationship. It was the laughs and the looks. The desire to be with him and the way he made her feel. Every time she heard his smooth voice it sent shivers down her spine. Her friend had it all wrong. If she needed Nico, he’d be there.

  “His closest friends know, and so do you. It’s not a secret. He needs time to process things and his baggage isn’t any heavier than mine. That’s why we’re meant to be together; to lift each other up.”

  “Wow, you are so far gone it’s hardly worth having this discussion. You called to vent that your lover man won’t love you. But you don’t really want to hear what you have to do; therefore, I can’t help you. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re not lying to each other anymore, but I still see a failed relationship on the horizon. He will end up breaking your heart.”

  Failure wasn’t an option. Caroline had waited years to meet a man who made her feel whole. She would not cut him loose because he was damaged too. Life wasn’t perfect, but they had a chance to make something real. “I love you, and I appreciate your perspective, but I disagree. Nico is worth the risk.”

  “I’ll see you at the studio this afternoon.” Maddy hung up and Caroline sat on her bed wondering if her friend was right.

  Would time help Nico realize love wasn’t a bad thing? He had the power to destroy her. The longer they kept their relationship a secret the more real that possibility became. Nico wasn’t due to hit the road again for a few days. They had time to be together.

  Caroline decided not to dwell on the things she had no control over and poured her heart and soul into her music. The day passed in a blur of sheet music and repetition. She’d nailed the verse on their new single, but there was a part in the chorus that hadn’t mixed right. Caroline tried to focus on the band, but Maddy’s warning nagged at her. By the time they wrapped it was well into the evening hours.

  Nico planned to come by after his game and she wondered if seeing him again would help alleviate the edginess. When she plopped down on her couch, she didn’t have any answers. She needed a distraction and something mindless for a few hours. As she flipped through the channels, she found the hockey game. In her youth, she’d caught the odd game, but it failed to hold her interest. That wasn’t the case anymore.

  Nicolas Ivarsson was a beast on the ice. He defended his net, preventing the opponents from getting their shots off. His drive and skill was impressive to watch. He chased the puck with laser focus, slapping it away and sending it down the ice. The announcers called him the poke checking master, whatever that meant. His love for the sport showed in how he conducted himself during the game. He gave it his all and Caroline found yet another reason to love him.

  The team killed it. She recognized Theo and the other two from the dinner party. Knowing the players added a level of excitement. Watching Nico hustle down the ice and pound the others into the boards was fiercely sexy. Who knew hockey could be so enjoyable?

  They won the game. An interview afterwards featured Nico with his helmet head and red cheeks. His smile charmed the fans worldwide, and she understood why so many women offered to be with him. But that was the past, and she was his future. She had to convince him of that.

  After his interview ended, he showed up at her door, looking so delicious her mouth watered. His hair was damp and so were her panties. The kiss that followed all but incinerated them. They spent the next few hours making love on every surface. There wasn’t a spot where she wouldn’t picture them from that night on. They were amazing together. She was more convinced than ever that he was the one; the man she’d be with forever. She didn’t need a grand gesture to convince her, but she needed him to come around soon.

  The next few days were more of the same. Waking up with her boyfriend’s hot body pressed against her back would never get old. She only wished she didn’t feel like they were stolen moments. As if one day she’d wake up and he wouldn’t be there. Until he agreed to be open about their relationship, there was no way that feeling would go away.

  Her phone vibrated on the coffee table but she ignored it. Connie had called first thing that morning and asked her to come over. It was Nico’s day off and she'd told her sister, she was busy with work. It was one thing to omit facts from her father, but she hated lying to her sister. After she hung up she felt like crap, like a knot twisted in her gut. Hours later and she couldn’t shake the unease.

  Nico pulled her into his arms and she settled against his chest. “What’s wrong, you seem tense?” They snuggled and watched the news. Highlights from last night’s hockey game played. It had been another close one, but they’d won.

  “I’m…” She didn’t know how to tell him the secret relationship she'd told him was fine wasn’t okay anymore. That she wanted to tell the world they were together, and she wanted to start with her family. “Connie asked me to come over, but I can’t go there because I’m with you. I miss her. We have spent little time together this week and I usually see her every day.”

  He cupped her chin, titling her face towards his. “I don’t want to come between you and your family. Go see her, we can hook up later. It’s no big deal.”

  But it was a big deal to her, and she thought Maddy had been right. He might never be ready for the kind of relationship she wanted. Each time she said I love you and he didn’t say it back was like taking a punch to the throat.

  He didn’t mean to hurt her, but as she stared into his eyes her heart constricted. “This is your only day off and then we won’t see each other for days.” She ran her fingers over the smooth ridges of his chest. “I want to spend time with you. Are you sick of me already?”

  Nico kissed the top of her head. “Not even a little bit, angel. But don’t neglect your family because they are important to you. We can see each other after your visit.”

  “Or you could come with me?” She wanted her sister to meet the man of her dreams. The two would hit it off and then maybe he’d be ready to tell people they were a couple.

  “There’s no way for us to explain that to your father. You go. I’ll come over when you’re done.” He shifted their bodies into a seated position. “I enjoy our time together. More than enjoy it, but I don’t want you resenting me. We’ll find a balance.”

  “I don’t want a balance; I want it all. My cake and eating it too. This keeping us a secret… how much longer do you think you need?” Caroline chewed her lip. She didn’t want to rush him, but she owed it to herself to be honest.

  “I don’t know. We’re still so new; it’s complicated.” He ran his fingers through his hair.

  Her phone rang again. “It’s not complicated.” She reached over and checked the call display. It was her father. “Hi.”

  “Why haven’t you answered your phone? You need to come over.” The sense of urgency in his voice scared her.

  “Whoa, what’s wrong? Breathe, daddy.”

  “Your sister is missing. She went out for a walk with Meagan almost two hours ago and they aren’t back. She missed her piano lesson and you know how much she loves music. Something is wrong. Meagan’s not answering her phone. Fuck, I’m losing my mind.” Her father never swore.

  “Oh shit! I’m on my way. Have you called the cops?” Caroline rushed to the closet and put on her coat. Nico was right beside her, h
elping her zip it up when her fingers fumbled.

  “Of course I called. They’ve put out an alert, but they told me to relax, as if that’s fucking possible. Caroline, you know how she is with her routine, I’ve retraced the walk to the park and came back hoping she’d be here. She’s not here. I love you both so much. You need to be here.”

  “I’m coming. Call me back as soon as you hear anything. I love you, too.” Caroline put the phone in her jean pocket and looked at the man beside her.

  He took her shaking hands and rubbed them, infusing strength into her. “What’s going on? I’ll drive you anywhere you need to be.”

  “My sister is missing. My family needs me.” The tears she’d been trying to hold back flowed like the mighty Mississippi river. “You can’t take me there.”

  “The hell I can’t. Lock up behind us. I’ve got you.” He hugged her and guided them out of her condo.

  The drive to her family home felt like an eternity though it wasn’t far. She clutched her phone in her hands as she stared out the window, praying she’d catch sight of Connie. This wasn’t how Nico was supposed to meet her family. She wanted Connie to meet him first. Her sister’s stamp of approval would tip the scale in her favor with her father. But her sister had to be home to meet him. They had to find her first.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  T he weather was mild for late January; too cold for a child to be out for hours. Nico let go of her hand as they opened the doors. She tried not to let that tiny action hurt her, but it did. Her emotions ran wild with the possibilities and that didn’t help. Caroline refused to think the worst but when she saw the frantic look on her father’s face, she fell apart.

  “Daddy,” she said as she launched herself into his arms. Nico stood behind her. She felt his strong presence, but his lack of contact spoke volumes. He’d held her hand on the drive and they talked about places Connie may have gone. Unfortunately, Connie knew better than to wander off and Meagan was a bright young girl who always had her phone on.