He looked at her then, and Brooke recognized the unspoken answer in them. Tears spilled over, stinging her cheeks. Absently, she toyed with the delicate diamond pendant necklace she wore, the necklace Logan had placed there only a week before, the necklace that represented the promise of a new beginning. She was powerless to say another word; her chest felt as if it was suddenly closing in on her. Slowly, she unclasped the necklace and slid it away from her neck. Reaching out to turn Logan's hand over, she placed it in his palm, and closed his fingers over it. She recalled a similar scene, from some years before. She wanted to scream, to “I'm sorry,” was all she could manage before the sobs came, and she turned and walked away.
Logan heard the car door close, and could do nothing else but stand there, listening to the sound of the woman he loved exiting his life. He looked down at the pretty diamond that caught the sun and glittered in his palm. It was still warm from Brooke's skin. Emotionally drained, he stood there, long after she had gone, because he was powerless to do anything else.
As mid-August descended on them, so had the heat, reaching temperatures in the high 90's. As the third day moved into the fourth, the merciless heatwave showed no sign of relenting. Logan had watered the horses, for the third time that day, making sure they were cool and comfortable. Although he loved being outside, today was an exception. The stifling heat had pushed him back inside, where he lay on the sofa in the basement, his energy level at an all-time low, appreciating the concept of air conditioning.
He'd tried to stay busy, giving himself less time to think about Brooke and everything that had happened between them. How could everything have gone so wrong? seemed to be the question he'd asked himself over and over since that night. Nearly a week had passed, and when he let his mind wander to her, all of those feelings bombarded him. Intense. Raw. He thought he would go crazy. At the moment, all he wanted to do was relax and maybe take a nap. A nap? he thought. What am I, geriatric? He shook his head in disgust as he settled down more deeply into the large, comfortable sofa.
Which lasted for all of five seconds. He heard their voices even before the door swung open and their footsteps pounded on the stairs. He closed his eyes, hoping they would go away. Fat chance. Seth and Chase came plowing in, one carrying a pizza box and the other toting a six-pack of Bud. When Seth saw him sprawled out on the couch, he just shook his head.
“Okay, this is getting out of control,” he complained to Chase. He nudged Logan's foot with his boot in an attempt to wake him from his slumber. Logan opened one eye.
“I'm awake,” he said, irritated. “Who can sleep with the two of you jackasses just barging in, uninvited.” He sat up, and Seth plopped down next to him, while Chase took a seat in a plush, comfy chair. “What do you want?” he asked, knowing he was being not the least bit hospitable, and not giving a shit.
Chase grabbed the remote from the coffee table and clicked on the giant flat-screen. “The race is on,” he said, tuning in to ESPN.
“Don't you have cable at your place?” he grumbled, growing a little more annoyed for no reason in particular. “I don't wanna watch the race.” He knew what this was all about. It was an intervention, of sorts. Well, they could just see their way out of it, he thought to himself.
“So, have you talked to Brooke at all?” Seth questioned him.
He knew it. “Nope.” His brother was going to have to work for this.
“Do you intend to?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?” Chase chimed in.
“Because there's nothing to say, that's why,” Logan offered.
“How do you figure?” Seth asked, then bit into a slice of pizza. The aroma was too much for Logan to resist, and he peered into the box. He had barely eaten in days, just hadn't had much of an appetite. “Your favorite,” Seth said, as Logan studied it. He took a slice, loaded with pepperoni and mushrooms, and bit into it. He didn't think pizza had ever tasted so good to him.
“Look, Brooke and I have been down the same road twice. And both times we crashed and burned. We end up hurting each other. We're just no good together. Besides, she's going back to California at the end of this month, anyway. She never intended to have anything permanent with me. I was just a diversion to her.” The thought of it made him want to pummel something. Or someone.
“If you really believe that, then you're a bigger idiot than I gave you credit for.” Seth shrugged off the dark scowl that Logan directed toward him.
“What in the hell do you know about it, anyway?” he tossed out, becoming more agitated by the second.
Seth knew exactly which buttons to push when it came to his brother. To both of his brothers, actually. Logan needed to see the truth, and he happened to be the one who was willing to show it to him.
“For starters, I don't believe Brooke would have left you and gone back to California. And I damn well don't believe that she was using you for sex. Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, that girl is in love with you, bro. Anyone with eyes in their head can see that.”
“That's your opinion. I don't see it the same way that you do.”
“They're not opinions, they're facts.” Seth hated seeing Logan so conflicted. “You can't avoid her forever,” Seth said quietly, knowing that his brother was hurting. He'd never seen Logan like this, depressed, withdrawn. Well, he had, once before, the summer Logan had come home from college after he and Brooke had broken up. And while that had been bad, he was afraid that this time was going to be so much worse.
“I'm not ignoring her,” he replied, and sighed deeply when Seth gave him his “Bro, you're full of shit” stare. “Have you seen her?” Logan wanted to know.
“No,” he answered. “I saw Rissa once, in town, a couple of days after. I think everyone is keeping a safe distance for now after what happened at their parents' place.”
Logan nodded. He remembered all to well, and wished he hadn't. Wished he could permanently erase it from his memory. He wished that he could rewind to before that night. But wishes were for fools, he thought, and he'd been one for too long.
“Anyway,” Seth went on, “Rissa said that Brooke was in really bad shape.”
When he said nothing, showed no sign of emotion, Chase, who had been quietly taking it all in, picked it up. “You can pretend that it doesn't matter and you don't care, but all you're doing, bro, is pretending. You can lie to us, even though we know the deal, but don't lie to yourself, Logan.”
“I'm not lying to myself. I'm not denying my feelings for Brooke. I love her, damnit. I've always loved her, from the time we were kids. She's the only woman I've ever loved. The only one,” he tossed back, the anger creeping into his voice. “Do you think this is easy for me? To lose her a second time? When she left and went to California, I spent months hoping, praying that she would forgive me and give me another chance. And I've spent years loving her, even when she didn't. And for what, huh? The past eight years have been a lie. And I didn't even know it. All this time I never knew I had a child. A little girl who I never saw, never held, never knew existed.” His voice broke, and Logan looked away, fighting to keep his composure.
“I'm sorry, Logan. It's a shitty deal, I know. And before you get pissed, I want you to know that I'm not defending what Brooke did in any way. I'm just saying that maybe you should try to see it from her perspective.” It was Chase's turn to try to talk some sense into him.
When Logan opened his mouth to interject, Chase held a hand up in the air. “Just hear me out,” he said, meeting his brother's stony stare. When Logan nodded, Chase continued. “Try to remember what it was like for her at the time. You'd just split up. She was devastated, understandably. She moves across the country, where she's alone and doesn't know anyone. She finds out that she's pregnant. She's hurting from what happened between the two of you. And probably scared. Not only had she just lost the man she loves, but now she has a baby on the way.”
“Jesus, Chase, you sound like her fucking cheerleader,” Seth said. “What he's trying to say
,” Seth went on, “is that given the situation, it's not inconceivable that she would handle it badly. Factor in that she was young. Sometimes people make mistakes they can't correct, especially when they're young. I'm not saying that what she did was right. But if you love her, and I know damn well that you do, if you can understand the motivation behind what she did, then maybe you can forgive her. I don't believe that Brooke kept it from you out of spite. Brooke has never had a spiteful bone in her body, you know that better than anyone. She just made a very poor choice, and it affected other people's lives, namely yours. And you have every right to be pissed. If I were in your position, I'd feel the same way, I would imagine. But you have a chance to be together, to be happy. Do you really want to throw that away?”
Logan fell quiet. He considered it. He just wished he could keep the undesirable thoughts from creeping into his consciousness as he tried to wrap his mind around what his brothers had said. But in reality, he didn't want to think at all.
It was nearly dusk when Logan pulled into the lane at Brooke's parents' house. He'd done a lot of thinking, a lot of reflecting throughout the day. His brothers were right. He at least needed to try to work things out with her. He owed it to them both. In his heart, he never believed that Brooke had only wanted him for sex. He knew that she had real feelings for him. He'd felt it, so many times over the past couple of months. For whatever reason, she chose not to tell him, and he'd had to accept that, regardless of how much it hurt him.
When he reached the house, he put the car in park and turned off the engine before climbing out of the cab. It was fairly quiet, and the only thing Logan could hear was the sound of the ? He didn't see Brooke's car, and thought that maybe she had run into town or something. By the time he reached the front door, his heart had begun to beat just a little bit faster. He was nervous, he realized. As he lifted his hand to the knocker, the door swung open and Karissa stood there, with Raelyn behind her. She seemed surprised to see him. He stepped aside to let them by.
“Hello, Logan love,” Raelyn greeted him, kissing his cheek as had been her habit all of his life. Karissa hugged him, and he knew that no matter what could ever happen, they would always love him and they would always be his family. It had always been that way.
Raelyn kissed Karissa goodbye, and then rubbed a hand up and down Logan's arm. She smiled at Logan, thankful for the chance to talk with him. From inside the house she heard Paul call for her.
“Logan, honey, come inside before you leave, would you? Paul and I wanted to talk to you for a minute.” He nodded his agreement.
“Good night, Mama,” Karissa called after her. She leaned on the porch rail, eyeing Logan carefully. “How are you?” she asked softly.
“I've been better,” he answered, waiting expectantly as she began to speak again.
“Logan, before you say anything, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm so truly sorry,” she whispered. I know that probably doesn't mean much to you right now, but I want you to know that.” Her voice wavered a little, and Logan could hear the emotion in it. A tiny tear escaped and slid down her cheek. Panic gripped him. He needed to do something before things got out of hand. The last thing he could handle at the moment was a crying Karissa.
“Whoa, hold on just a second,” he said. “Please, I'm begging you, don't start crying. I can't take any more crying females today,” he said, lightening the mood. “I had to console Chase this afternoon when Dale Earnhardt, Jr. wiped out in the last lap and fell out of the race. He cried like a little girl. Chase, not Dale” he teased. She laughed, and he wiped the tear from her face.
She looked away, and Logan could see the sadness in her eyes. “I knew about the baby,” she confessed, bringing her gaze back to his.” When he said nothing, she went on. “Mom and Dad decided to go away for Thanksgiving that year. They'd wanted Brooke and me to go with them, but neither of us wanted to go. During break, I flew out to California to spend the holiday with Brooke. I wanted to be with her, but I also sensed that something was wrong. Each time I'd talked to her, I could hear it in her voice. I just knew.” She cleared her throat and tried to ignore the terrible dryness. “I didn't know she was pregnant until I got there, two days before Thanksgiving. My sister was seven months pregnant and she hadn't told us. Not me. Not even my parents. At first, I was upset with her for that. And then it hit me that my sister was seven months pregnant and she was alone. All alone in a place where she didn't know anyone, didn't have a single friend. Of course, that upset me even more. I was torn between being angry with her for keeping her pregnancy from us, and I was hurting for her at the same time. Does that sound strange?” Karissa asked, wiping more tears from her eyes.
“No, it doesn't sound strange at all,” Logan replied. “In fact, it was probably a very normal reaction. I get it, Rissa.”
She attempted a smile. “I thought you would,” she said, looking into his eyes. “On the day the baby was born, Brooke had been having terrible contractions. She'd called the doctor, and they told her to get to the hospital immediately. I drove her, speeding like a crazy woman all the way there, praying that they would be okay. They took her into Labor & Delivery immediately, and gave her something to stop the contractions. But it didn't work. They tried everything and nothing worked. The doctor was there and tons of nurses, running around trying to prepare for the baby. She was coming whether they liked it or not.” Karissa said, rubbing at the dull ache that had begun to invade her forehead. “Then Brooke gave birth, and the baby was tiny. So tiny,” Karissa added. “Almost immediately we knew something was wrong because they were talking amongst themselves in hushed voices and moving just a little too fast. Brooke kept asking them about the baby, if she was okay. She wanted to hold her. But they told her that the baby had pulmonary issues because her lungs were underdeveloped. She was in distress and she couldn't breathe. She needed to go to the NICU, stat. The nurses took her away. It all happened so quickly.”
“You don't have to finish, Rissa. I can see how upsetting it is for you to talk about this.” Logan hated seeing her this way.
“No, that's where you're wrong, Logan. I do have to finish. You should at least know the circumstances of your daughter's birth, and death. Brooke and I are the only two people who can give you that much. Honestly, I don't know if Brooke could get through it, reliving it again. I know that she would be okay with me sharing it with you. And I want to make sure you know, so I do need to finish. If you want to hear the rest.”
“You know I do,” he said quietly, his eyes filled with anguish. She nodded, understanding completely.
“The nurses kept us updated periodically. One of the hardest things had been waiting, just waiting to hear something, anything. But there was no new news to share. Then, about two hours after the nurses had taken her, the NICU doctor came in and told us that the baby had an infection in her lungs and that the health of her lungs was deteriorating rapidly. He said that Brooke needed to prepare herself for the worst. He said the baby likely wouldn't survive through the night. They let Brooke go into the NICU to see her. It was then that Brooke named her. Her little Alexa, she'd called her. She was so small and she could barely breathe, even with everything hooked up to her. Brooke didn't leave her side. They still wouldn't let her hold the baby, not then. A few hours later, the Special Care doctor approached Brooke. They told her that she could go ahead and hold her. I think they knew somehow that it wouldn't be much longer. Brooke held her, cradled in her arms, with all of the tubes still hooked up to her.” Karissa's voice began to break, and she couldn't hold the tears back. “I wasn't able to go into the NICU, but they let me sit outside the nursery. I watched the entire time from the other side of the glass window. A little while later, I heard Brooke's voice; she was panicked and yelling. Then she started sobbing, just sobbing uncontrollably, and I knew. She was still holding the baby. Crying and rocking her. The nurses had to take the baby from her.” Karissa paused for a minute, trying to compose herself, before finishing the story. “When Bro
oke came out into the hallway, I hugged her. I'd never in my life heard anyone cry the way she did. It was heartbreaking. Not until you,” she said softly, looking at Logan. He looked away uncomfortably.
“Why is it those times in your life when you're at your weakest point that you have to have an audience to witness it?” he asked. Karissa reached out to squeeze his hand.
“In case you need someone to lift you up,” she replied. “Everyone needs people who can do that for them sometimes. For Brooke, I couldn't do anything except try to console her, and to let her know I was there.”
“I'm glad you were there for her, I really am. I'm glad that she wasn't alone,” he said. “But I should have been there, Rissa. I should have been there.” Logan's voice cracked, and when she looked at him again his eyes were full of unshed tears. She continued, needing to share the rest.
“Two days later Brooke was discharged from the hospital. I made the funeral arrangements for Alexa and then we buried her.” Karissa recalled it well. It had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. She could only imagine how devastating it must have been for Brooke. “Brooke's doctor recommended grief counseling, but Brooke refused to go. She said she would handle her grief in her own way and that her feelings were private. I wanted to stay with Brooke for a while, but she wouldn't let me. She insisted that I go back to school. So I did. I called her every single day, even if it was to hear her voice for only a few minutes. I was so worried about her, about her state of mind. She was horribly depressed, for months. She'd left school that semester because she couldn't function. She went back in the spring. By then, things had gotten a little bit better. And by better I mean she was getting out of bed, eating, things like that. It took a long, long time for her to get back to herself, or at least as close to her old self that she could get after going through an experience like that. I wanted to tell my parents from the moment I found out she was pregnant, but Brooke wouldn't let me. She threatened to shut me out of her life. I couldn't believe it. I should have told them anyway, and taken my chances with Brooke. She would have forgiven me eventually, at least I like to think she would have. But I was young and stupid and I made the decision to keep Brooke's secret. It's a decision I've always regretted, Logan.”
Second Chance at Love (The MacKenna Born & Bred Trilogy) Page 18
