He'd been waiting for the day when she would realize it and tell him what he needed to hear. But that day hadn't come. He'd felt it like a jolt of lightning. In his heart he didn't believe, not for a second, that Brooke had no romantic feelings for him. She was a hopeless romantic, at least she always had been. He couldn't imagine that she would spend the past two months in his life, in his bed, and not feel something. That just wasn't Brooke. She needed emotion with intimacy. That's how she was made. She knew he loved her. Even if he hadn't said the words, she still would have known. It showed in everything he said, everything he did. Every look. Every touch. Even in the past, he always made sure she knew exactly how much he loved her, because he never wanted her to wonder.
She was afraid. That was it, in a nut shell. It wasn't that she wasn't in love with him, it was that she was afraid of getting hurt again. He understood that. What he needed to do now was convince her that he would never hurt her again. Not ever. He knew it wouldn't be easy, and he was running out of time. The end of August was only a couple of weeks away. He would be destroyed if she left him again, and he wasn't too proud to admit it.
He'd been lost in his thoughts and hadn't realized that Brooke was standing next to him, calling his name.
“Wow, that must have been some fantasy,” she said, with a gleam in her eye. You're all flushed and jittery. “Were you thinking about me?” she asked, in a soft, sexy voice.
He couldn't stop the huge grin that spread across his face. “I was, as a matter of fact.” He reached out to touch her face. Her skin was so soft and warm against his hand. “We need to talk,” he said, “but later.”
He needed to find out what was going on inside her, the reason behind her intermittent sadness and depression, so that he could help her. He also needed to make her see that he was crazy in love with her, and to convince her of the amazing life they could have together.
She looked serious now. “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah.” She didn't seem convinced. “Or, it will be.” He pulled her toward him and kissed her, a long, searing kiss that made her heart tremble. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. Instinctively, he wrapped both arms around her waist and held her tight. If felt so good, and so right.
Logan made his way through the first floor of Brooke's parents' home searching for her. He'd been distracted by Mr. and Mrs. Robertson, a middle-aged couple he'd known all of his life. They owned the bakery in town, and had worked side by side for most of their lives making it a respectable business. Mrs. Robertson baked the best banana bread he'd ever tasted. It was nice to see that after all these years, they were still a happy, loving couple. Their daughter, Sarah, had been running the bakery for the past couple of years. Her banana bread was good, but not as good as Mrs. Robertson's, and he whispered that little bit of information in her ear. She laughed, and had a twinkle in her eye.
“Oh, you sweet talker. You MacKenna boys always did know how to charm the pants off a girl,” she said, smiling.
She had no idea.
He smiled back. “Have you, by chance, seen Brooke somewhere around here?” he asked.
“As a matter of fact, I saw her a few minutes ago, out back with her sister. The two of them as pretty as a picture, sitting on the swing,” she told him. “Why don't you just go on out and work some of that charm on her. She looked like she could use it, my sweet boy,” she said, as she was called away by someone in the adjoining room.
“Yeah, I'll do that,” he said, wondering what she meant by that last comment.
It was half an hour later before Logan stepped out into the refreshing night air. He'd spent most of the evening inside, and it had become stifling with so many people occupying the same space. The last of Raelyn and Paul's guests, with the exception of his family, had left, and he couldn't have been more relieved. Everywhere he turned, he'd run into someone who wanted to talk his ear off. Most of the time it wouldn't have bothered him, but all he wanted was to get out of there with Brooke.
He stepped off of the deck and began making his way across the wide expanse of lawn toward the massive maple that towered over the swing. It was dark, the only light coming from the lamp posts that were placed strategically throughout Raelyn's flower garden, which was on the opposite side of the old tree. The lamp posts provided enough light to illuminate the swing area, and he could see them, sitting side by side. They were deep in conversation, and didn't hear him approaching. Brooke turned her head to look at Karissa, giving him a good look at her side profile. The sorrow he saw on her face, and the barely contained emotion in her voice, ripped at his heart.
“How can I even think about having a relationship with Logan without first being completely honest with him?” Brooke looked at Karissa, knowing how her sister felt about this, how she'd always felt.
“The two of you have a long history,” Karissa said quietly.” A complicated history.”
“Yeah, with as much sorrow as joy. With heartache and anger and resentment. And distrust,” she added.
“That may be, but you've also shared much more than that.”
“I know. But I'm afraid that if I tell him, I'll lose him.” Her voice broke a little. “We just found each other again.”
“Logan loves you, Brooke. You know that.”
“I do know that,” Brooke replied. “And I love him.” There, she said it. She was surprised that she'd let the words slip, and thanked God that Logan hadn't been the one to hear them. Somehow she imagined something more when she finally told him, something romantic, something dramatic.
She thought she could control these feelings, just cut them down, but she was wrong. Instead of spending the summer enjoying the no-strings arrangement she'd claimed to want, she'd gone ahead and fallen head over heels for the same man she'd closed out of her life, the man she vowed to forget at any cost. And now, she couldn't imagine being without him, or living her life without him for another minute. “I just hope that his love for me is strong enough for us to make it through this.”
He knew it! At least he was pretty damn sure he did. But hearing the words come from Brooke's lips made them real, and it gave him hope.
“So what are you going to do?” Karissa asked softly.
“The only thing I can do,” Brooke said. “I'm going to tell him about the baby.”
Baby? Logan's mind was trying to process what he had just heard. Brooke is pregnant? The thought of Brooke being pregnant, of her carrying his child, made his senses reel. They'd always talked about having children. Well, before their relationship had fallen apart. He took a minute to consider all of it. And what he came up with was absolute.
Because Brooke had been so stubborn and had been convinced that this was only a temporary arrangement, they hadn't made plans for a future together. But now that Logan knew of her true feelings for him, it changed things. Given that they'd just recently found their way back to each other and that their relationship was still delicate, having a child so soon would probably not be ideal. But Logan didn't give a rat's ass about what was ideal. If Brooke was pregnant then she was pregnant, period. They'd handle it. And he had to admit that the thought of Brooke carrying his child appealed to him in a way that he couldn't even explain.
But why would she not want to tell me about the baby? he wondered. How could she think I'd leave her if I knew? That made absolutely no sense to him. It was crazy. He was about to make his presence known, but what he heard next stopped him dead in his tracks.
It was Karissa who spoke. “You have to know, honey, that he's probably going to need some time to process it. I mean, it's not every day that the woman you love tells you that she gave birth to your child years ago and never told you,” she said, soothingly. “It's not going to be easy for him to hear, or to accept.”
Brooke sighed deeply. “I know it isn't, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, but he has a right to know,” she said. “I have to tell him, tonight.”
“Tell me what, Brooke?”
Startled, both Brooke and Karissa turned to see Logan standing just a few feet away in the shadows. He walked slowly toward her, becoming clearly visible in the soft glow of the lamplight. The look in his eyes disturbed her; it was a look she'd never seen in them before. Brooke stood up and faced him.
“What do I have a right to know?” he asked, the anger emanating from him. He felt as if his entire existence was about to disintegrate before his eyes. “That you were pregnant? That you were carrying my child, mine, and you didn't even have the decency to tell me?” he ground out.
“Logan,” Brooke reached for him, and he pulled away from her.”
“Don't,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “Just don't.” In that moment she could hear her own heart breaking.
She turned away, almost with her back to him, knowing that if she looked at him now and saw the desperation in his eyes, she would fall apart.
“Look at me,” he demanded.
She turned back to face him. The moment of truth that she always knew was inevitable had finally come. Why did it have to hurt so much?
He watched her, intensely. “Tell me,” he said. “I need to know.” His voice was raw with emotion.
“I didn't know I was pregnant when I left Massachusetts, I swear I didn't,” she began, her voice trembling. “I learned about the baby a few weeks after I moved to California. I was in shock. Shocked, but thrilled. I never planned on not telling you, Logan. I just needed some time before I could share it with you. I was trying to deal with everything that had happened between us. I was a mess. But the farther along I got into the pregnancy, the harder it became to tell you.” She paused to take a shaky breath. “When I was seven months, I started having contractions, and I went into labor. No matter what the doctors tried, they couldn't stop it. The baby was coming, eight weeks early. She had pulmonary issues because her lungs weren't fully developed. She couldn't breathe. She was so tiny. Not strong enough. And she died. She died, Logan,” Brooke whispered, choking back a sob. Her heart hammered in her chest, so thunderously that Brooke thought it would burst. The tears, held back until now, flowed freely. Brooke could barely speak.“The baby was gone. Gone. And I didn't see the point in telling you.”
“Didn't see...you didn't see the point?” He was nearly shouting. A million thoughts were running rampant through his mind, blurring together. They'd had a child, a daughter. Brooke had given birth to his child and kept it from him. It was something he couldn't even begin to comprehend. He imagined her pregnant, her belly swollen with the life they'd created, and thought of how beautiful she must have been. He imagined her in the hospital giving birth to their child and being all alone. He imagined their baby girl, dying, taking her last breath, before she'd even had a chance to live. He lost it then, just let go of everything that was inside of him. He fell to his knees and put his head in his hands. He let the full intensity of his emotions take over, because he couldn't stop it, and it engulfed him.
Brooke could hear nothing except Logan's heartbreaking sobs. The sound of it was like a knife in her heart, being twisted painfully. She wanted to go to him. To hold him and comfort him. But she was afraid, afraid that he would reject her.
When the sobbing subsided and there was only quiet, Brooke placed a hand on his shoulder. “Logan.” She needed desperately to explain, to try to make him understand.
He stood up slowly, and looked directly into her shimmering eyes when he spoke.
“How could you?” His words, even to his own ears, sounded hollow. The same way his heart felt. “How could you keep this from me? Something so huge...” he trailed off, his voice wavering.
“I'm sorry. Logan, I'm so sorry,” she whispered.
“Sorry? You're sorry? Sorry for what, Brooke? Sorry that I found out? I never had a chance to see our child, our daughter. To hold her, to love her. To grieve for her. All these years you've lied to me.”
“No,” Brooke said, shaking her head. “I never lied to you, Logan.”
“You deliberately kept it from me. From where I'm standing, Brooke, that's the same as lying. You stand there trying to justify why you did it. Well, let me clue you in on something, there is no justification. Not for something like this. Something so important, something so life-altering. And that's the ugly truth of it.” He felt sick. “If our daughter had lived, when would you have told me, hmm? On her first day of school? Her high school graduation? On her wedding day? When?”
“That's not fair,” Brooke said.
“The hell it isn't. What do you know about fair, anyway?” he spat out.
“How dare you! How the hell dare you!” The anger and resentment that had been locked up inside her for so long broke free. “You arrogant, selfish bastard. You were the one who slept with someone else. You did that. You! You destroyed us, Logan.” The anger seemed to bubble up from deep inside her, flowing over like a river of molten lava. “None of this would ever have happened if you'd been able to keep your dick in your pants. Why? I don't understand. Even after all this time, I just don't understand. You threw away everything we had, everything we meant to each other. And for what? So you could fuck the biggest whore on campus,” she snapped out. “Why wasn't I enough for you?” The heat burned her lungs, and she choked back a sob. “Why?” She looked beaten, broken.
Logan stood, staring at her. As angry as he was, he wanted to hold her in his arms then, and soothe away her hurts. Instead, he lifted his hands in the air, and then let them fall in defeat. “You're right, Brooke. You're right. I was unfaithful to you, and I destroyed everything. All of our dreams, our plans for a lifetime together. Marriage and babies. And I hurt you in the worst possible way that a man can hurt the woman he loves.” He closed his eyes, and a single tear escaped from under his lashes. When he opened them, they were filled with anguish. “Don't you think I would take away all of your hurt in a second if I could? I would do anything. Anything, Brooke. But I can't erase what happened. And I suffered the worst punishment for it. I lost the woman I love. I lost you. And I've had to live all of these years knowing how I'd hurt you, and that I was never getting you back.”
Brooke stood there quietly, taking in every word. She couldn't speak even if she wanted to.
“So I guess this is my payback,” he said, his breath hitching as he struggled to get his emotions under control. “Now you've hurt me as much as I hurt you.”
He looked around, and saw his family, and Brooke's, shadowed in the background. The commotion had drawn their attention and they had come outside to see what was happening, out of concern. He saw the shocked and disbelieving looks on their faces as they stared, as if they were trying to comprehend what had just happened. He couldn't blame them. He, himself, was still trying to comprehend it. He had to get the hell out of there. He turned on his heel then, and walked away. He rounded the front of the house, and disappeared from sight.
Brooke heard the roar of the truck's engine as he pulled out of the drive, and little by little it faded until she could no longer hear anything. The black night, still and calm, was all there was. Brooke slid down onto the swing and let the tears come. The last thing she remembered was her mother's arms, warm and comforting, folding her up in them.
Brooke wanted to go after Logan the night before. To talk to him and try to make him understand. Her mother stopped her. Raelyn had convinced Brooke to wait and go to Logan when they'd both calmed, and had a chance to reflect on all that had happened. They wouldn't get anywhere or resolve anything in the frame of mind they'd both been in. They were both emotionally exhausted. So she waited until the next day and then drove over to Logan's place. The short drive seemed to take forever.
She found him out back near the corral. She figured he'd be there. Logan had always been the type of man who would rather busy himself doing things than to sit around. And he especially would now, trying to keep his mind off of things.
He saw her coming, and stopped what he was doing. When she reached him, she just stood there, waiting. For w
hat, exactly, she wasn't sure.
“I just want to know one thing. What did you name her?” he asked.
Brooke managed a small smile. “Alexa.”
He thought about that for a few seconds, then raised one eyebrow in question. Brooke understood what he was asking.
“Alexa Rae MacKenna,” she answered, quietly.
She saw the emotion swirl through his brilliant green eyes. He nodded.
“If the baby had been a boy, I planned to name him Hunter Logan MacKenna,” she said, unsure whether or not he wanted to know, or even cared. When he said nothing, and continued with the task at hand, she figured it was now or never.
“Logan,” she said, quietly. He kept his attention focused on what he was doing. “Please, look at me,” she begged. He did then, and his icy stare made her want to die inside. She reached out to touch him, but he shrugged her off. “Talk to me.” It was more of a plea, and Brooke realized that he had closed off from her, shutting her out.
“There's nothing to say, Brooke.” His words cut her, and panic began to build inside her. In all the years she'd known him, she'd never seen him like this. So angry, so dismissive. So hurt. Her mind wandered back to the time of their break-up, to those few weeks before graduation when she'd cut Logan out of her life. He'd tried, over and over, to talk to her, to try to explain to her. But she'd refused to listen. Even when he'd shown up on her doorstep in Los Angeles, she'd given him mere minutes before asking him to go. She'd been unforgiving, closed inside herself. Because she was hurting, devastated. She imagined that was how Logan felt this very moment, and she wished to God he would let her in.
“What does that mean?” she whispered, the knot in her stomach twisting painfully as she stood in front of him. She was afraid she already knew. “What are you saying, Logan, that it's over between us?” she managed in an unsteady voice, the tears already burning her eyes.
Second Chance at Love (The MacKenna Born & Bred Trilogy) Page 17
