Welcome to the NHK!

by Tatsuhiko Takimoto

  “Don’t think too hard about this. Don’t think about anything too complicated. I’m happy.” Her tone was upbeat; it seemed that she, also, had been helping herself to that drug.

  As we passed through crowds of people, she asked, “Back then, I should have gone out with you. You really liked me, didn’t you, Satou?”

  “I really just wanted someone to let me do her.”

  “I’m really sorry. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent all that time playing cards every day.”

  “The fact that the one time we did it, we parted soon afterward … that was rather hard on me.”

  “Maybe it’s my fault that you became a hikikomori.”

  “There’s no connection at all. It was more like some other big kind of…”

  “Like the huge organization?”

  “Yeah, that’s right! The giant, evil organization totally got me.”

  “Me, too, you know? The evil organization ripped me off, too! There might be nothing I can do …”

  Suddenly, she announced that she was pregnant.

  “Wow! I’m so amazed! You’re going to be a mother!” I was stunned.

  “That’s why I’m getting married. Now, I’ve succeeded at life! I've gotten on the right path. Now, I think I can go forward, all the way, in a straight line.” She was walking quickly, about three feet in front of me. I couldn’t see her expression, but I assumed from her tone that she was honestly excited. She was happy. She had to be.

  “That’s really great. Really great. Really great.” I said the same thing three times in a row to celebrate the start of her new life with appropriate ceremony.

  “It doesn’t bother you, Satou?” Her steps ceased.

  “No, not really.” I stopped in place, as well.

  “I don’t know why, but I’m in pain.”

  We had arrived at a street lined with hotels. There were several couples hanging around who had their arms around each other’s shoulders, even though it was the middle of the day. I felt a little shiver of excitement.

  “Shall we have an affair or something?” The girl smiled as she said this.

  “An affair with a young wife! It’s like on TV!” I grew even more excited.

  “I only let you do it once, so I feel bad for you.”

  We stood in front of a hotel, directly facing each other. I really wanted to stay there with her.

  We were both laughing. “You’re happy now, aren’t you?” I asked.

  “That’s right.”

  “You’re in a place where the giant organization can no longer reach you, right?”

  “That’s right,” she repeated.

  “Then, I’m going home.” Hunching over, I left the spot immediately.

  As I passed her, I stole a quick look. She was crying. It seemed impossible. It should have been easy for someone as cute and friendly as she was to find a happy, healthy, and gentle life—something that anyone would envy. Someone that beautiful should be able to live a carefree life.

  In actuality, there’s nothing to do about a useless, recurring depression. A person could become disconsolate or angry. Even if they’re enraged enough to punch something, they won’t find a target. A huge organization … They wish that some huge, evil organization existed. That becomes our dream…

  Terrible things inundate the world. This world is wrapped in complex, messed-up, senseless, and incomprehensible misfortune and sadness.

  She told me that her college friend had committed suicide, leaving behind a stupid will that said something like, “I’ve been broken by both dreams and love, and so I shall die now.” A classmate from elementary school had married and divorced. Yamada was now raising two children on his own and going gray, which made her laugh. Kazumi, who had been living with a man, went home to her family, Yuusuke, who was trying to become a public servant, failed his test. Yamazaki, who was making erotic games, had all his dreams destroyed.

  “I’m testing my own talent. It doesn’t have to be an erotic game, but I’ll do … I’ll do something!” When he proclaimed this, drunk from sake, his future already was set as a dairy farmer, chasing after cows. I no longer could see how he could escape it.

  At reunions and parties, everyone laughed and made a big fuss. Those events were fun, as was karaoke. Everyone had a good time and seemed sure that the future would be perfect: We could become anything! We could do anything! We could become happy!

  These things were true—but steadily, very steadily, at a speed so terribly slow we didn’t even notice it, we were being run down. There was nothing we could do, even if we were in trouble, defeated, or crying. Every one of us eventually had some terrible experiences. The only difference was whether it would happen sooner or later; but in the end, we all would fall into some really unbearable situation.

  I was scared. I was scared of all sorts of things.

  I thought of my female classmate. Hey, I'm no good. I'm more than five hundred times worse than the public servant you managed to meet. There’s nothing I can do for you. I really wanted to go to the hotel with you, but it would have just made it harder for you. I wasn’t just trying to be cool or anything. Ah, I really did want to have an affair with you. It’s impossible, though. It’s obviously impossible. A pathetic hikikomori like me, who can’t even take care of himself, doesn’t have the power to make you happy.

  Oh, I wanted to become a strong person, a person who could be relied upon, who brightened surroundings just by being there. I wanted to spread good fortune. However, the reality is that I am a hikikomori—a hikikomori, afraid of the outside world.

  I don’t know why I’m so frightened, so frightened that I can’t do anything.

  I’m no good anymore.

  ***

  Next month, my allowance would stop. What would I do then? This lifestyle would have to end soon. Should I just end my life?

  I shut down the computer I was using to write the erotic game scenarios. I decided to call Yamazaki and apologize. “I’m sorry, I can’t write the scenarios anymore.”

  But he was already on the phone. I could hear his screams of rage from next door. “Why does it always have to come back to this discussion?! To start with, I came here with my own money. I’m not under any obligation to take orders from you!”

  It sounded like he was fighting with his parents again. Everyone has their own problems.

  I was just about at the point of truly losing the courage to go on. A line from a poem popped into my head: The end of the rainy season, refreshing, suicide.

  I shook my head. For now, I decided to sleep. Changing into my pajamas, I tried lying down in bed. As I did, the scrap of paper on top of the TV caught my eye. It was the contract I had received from Misaki.

  One evening, I had been reading manga in the convenience store’s magazine corner when, all of a sudden, Misaki was standing behind me. “By the next time we meet, make sure to sign and stamp this, okay?” she said, extracting a piece of paper from her bag. She passed it to me; by the look of it, she’d been walking around with it for a while.

  That scrap of paper…

  I’d already read it several times, but I picked it up and read again. It was, of course, an unendingly incomprehensible document, so utterly ridiculous that it made my head ache. However, with my emotions at their lowest, it also appealed to me in some strange way. So, I finally signed and stamped the contract.

  Shoving it into my pocket, I headed toward the neighborhood park. It was night, and the moon was out. Somewhere, a dog howled. Seated on the bench next to the swings, I looked dreamily up at the night sky.

  Unexpectedly, Misaki showed up, again wearing normal clothing rather than her religious garb. She joined me on the park bench and began making excuses for something I hadn’t even mentioned. “This doesn’t mean I watch the park entrance from my window every night.”

  I laughed. After my laugh had evaporated, the distant baying of the dog had ceased, and the only sound left was an ambulance’s far-off siren, Misaki asked, “Did you fini
sh making your game?”

  “Ah, yeah, the erotic game got canceled in the end. How did you know about it, though?”

  “When Yamazaki came to the manga cafe a few days ago, I happened to overhear him talking about it. By the way, what’s an erotic game?”

  “It’s a code for EROA and GARIOA.[24] EROA stands for Economic Rehabilitation in Occupied Areas, and GARIOA is Government Appropriation for Relief in Occupied Areas. They were developed by the American government to prevent social problems, such as disease and famine, in the areas occupied by the U.S. after World War II.”

  “That’s a huge lie, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You being a creator was a lie, too, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “In reality, you’re an unemployed hikikomori, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  I held out the contract. Quickly snatching it from my hands, Misaki jumped up. “You finally felt like signing it! You’ll be all right now, Satou. You can travel off into the wide world after just a little training.”

  “Misaki, who are you, really?”

  “I told you before, didn’t I? I’m a kind girl who rescues young people in pain. This activity is, of course, a part of my project. Please, rest assured, nothing bad will happen. Okay?”

  It was a dubious explanation. Still…

  “Anyway, with this, our contract is in force! If you break it, the penalty is a million yen, okay?” Misaki pocketed the contract and smiled blindingly. Right then, I started getting nervous. I had the feeling I had made some gigantic mistake.

  Just how much legal force did this contract have? I should have asked my friend from college who had studied law.

  ***

  Contract for Escape from Hikikomori Life and Support Therein

  Name of hikikomori: Satou Tatsuhiro.

  Name of escape supporter: Misaki Nakahara.

  Defining the hikikomori as party A and the supporter as party B, the following has been contracted between the two parties.

  A will confess to B all anguish, complication, complaints, whines, and every other inward thought concerning escape from hikikomori life.

  B will do everything in his or her power to aid A’s escape from hikikomori life and to make his or her return to society (noted as C) succeed. Additionally, during the process toward C, B will attempt to preserve the emotional stability of A.

  Conversely, A will speak politely to B.

  A will obediently do anything that B instructs.

  Furthermore, A will not treat B as an obnoxious person. A will not treat B cruelly.

  Naturally, violent acts, such as hitting or kicking, shall not be performed.

  Counseling shall take place every evening at the Mita Fourth District park. Come after eating dinner.

  If A observes the contract, A should move toward C.

  If A breaks the contract, the penalty is one million yen.

  ***

  Remembering the contract’s contents, I was attacked by severe anxiety. “Forget about it! Give me back the contract!”

  But Misaki had long since departed.

  I had been left alone, at my absolute limit.

  Chapter 07. The Revolving Rock

  Part One

  Before I knew it, I had gotten run down, both socially and emotionally; it was that kind of summer. Before I knew it, I had been locked in a kind of cage, with no hope for escape; it was that sort of July. I tried calling, “Help me!” Nothing—not love, dreams, hope, effort, friendship, or victory—could save me. I was in real trouble.

  At least Yamazaki had some opinions about his future. Even though he was shouting, “Arghhh! Don't screw around with me”, at least he had some sort of ambition. He’d been thinking about his family’s business since he was little.

  “I’ll get out of this shitty countryside and make a name for myself in the big city! Y-y-you hypocrites! Just watch and I’ll show you all! I have talent! I may not know what kind of talent, but I have it!”

  Before I could confirm the existence of my own talent, it seemed as if fate would force me to return to the countryside, as well. The countryside, with its bizarre family ties, annoying smiles, redneck punks, roads made unnecessarily wide by local politicians, and only one convenience store… I was going to have to make a U-turn back to the awful, crappy countryside. I contemplated this destination with heartfelt regret.

  I shouted in a beautifully manly way, too. “Waaaahhh! It’s terrible, terrible, terrible!” I didn’t know exactly what was terrible; for now, though, something certainly was terrible. In fact, so many terrible things were happening that I couldn’t see any way to fix them.

  For one thing, my allowance from home finally stopped. Even so, for some reason, the will to work did not bubble up. Even though I had been worn down, I still couldn’t go outside. My title as a “high-level hikikomori” wasn’t just for show. However, I had to manage my living expenses at the least, or else I might be chased out of my apartment as early as tomorrow. I had to do something.

  With my student credit card, I brashly borrowed money. Following that, I sold my furniture. I took my washing machine, refrigerator, TV, computer, kotatsu, and bed to a secondhand shop near my house. I also tried selling my entire library to a used bookstore. In this way, having managed to raise enough money to live on, I’d bought myself a little more time.

  Slightly more secure, boredom became the main problem. Both Yamazaki and I became really bored. Alleviating it occupied most of our attention. “What should I do? I have nothing to do.”

  I conferred with Yamazaki.

  He seemed to be at the end of his rope. Lying face down on his apartment floor, he whispered unenthusiastically, “I’m not in as desperate a position as you, Satou—yet for some reason, I can’t calm down. Even if we are escaping from reality, I’d like to be able to do it in a rejuvenating way, if possible.”

  Escaping from reality… Triggered by his words, a good idea came to me. “Speaking of escaping, that’s what people do in their fleeting youth, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And speaking of fleeting, that reminds me of rock.”

  I shook Yamazaki’s shoulders back and forth. “That’s right, rock and roll! Sex, drugs, and violence!”

  Yamazaki stood up, swinging his fist about wildly and bellowing loudly, “I see! That’s fantastic! Speaking of rock and roll, I really respect Jerry Lee Lewis.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “He’s the lolicon rocker who, defying social convention, married his thirteen-year-old cousin, making him the so-called giant of the lolicon world. His way of life was truly anti-establishment! Great Balls of Fire!”

  We decided that our theme from then on would be “sex, drugs, and violence.” If we steered our lives in that direction, we might be able to spend every day in a more energetic and happily youthful way. At least, that was our hope, and we clung to it.

  ***

  Sex

  Speaking of sex, it’s not for minors under 18. Speaking of “not for minors under 18”, erotic games! Even now, Yamazaki kept working on his erotic game. Why? No one could possibly know, but it seemed sad. It was lonely. That was all I knew. I had no idea why, but it made me want to cry.

  ***

  Drugs

  Using the money I had secured from selling my furniture, I bought some serious drugs.

  “These are all legal!” Yamazaki complained.

  I hung my head. “What else can I do? There’s no way I could buy illegal drugs by mail. For a hikikomori, this is the best I can do.”

  “Pathetic. That’s so lame.”

  ***

  Violence

  Finally, Yamazaki and I ended up fighting in my six-mat, one room apartment. In the middle of the empty room, we faced each other in fighting stances. I imitated Bruce Lee, whom I had recently seen on TV. Yamazaki used fighting games as his reference, adopting the crane pose.

  Then, we tried to beat up each other. As soon as we start
ed, though, I slipped on the floor and fell. I hit the back of my head as hard as possible. The pain brought tears to my eyes.

  “This isn’t fun at all”, Yamazaki complained.

  “Don’t say that.”

  “It just makes me feel even more empty. I know! Should we do this at the park?”

  “Beforehand, let’s do the drugs, as we already have them. Don’t make fun of them just because they’re legal. They still work pretty well. We’ll have a good time.”

  Actually, the drugs did work. In fact, the trip was so bad, I thought I would die.

  I thought that maybe I should die.

  Part Two

  However, I didn’t die.

  I might be living a dismal hikikomori life. At the moment, however, I did, technically, have plans to meet someone. As evening fell and all traces of other people had disappeared outside my apartment, I filled my stomach with a late dinner. When it was dark, I set off toward the neighborhood park. The summer night breeze felt good.

  I sat on a bench and looked up at the moon and stars in the sky. A black cat sauntered leisurely in front of me. His eyes flashed with the reflection of streetlights.

  Ah, it’s night. It certainly was night.

  Misaki materialized, there in the park.

  “You’re late.” She had been creaking the swing back and forth when, noticing me, she energetically jumped off. The black cat crept over to where she stood, and Misaki picked it up. The cat meowed but didn’t struggle.

  “Good girl. I’ll give you some canned food, okay?” Misaki pulled cat food out of the bag on her back. Apparently, she’d been feeding the cat every night. “Cats are great, don’t you think?”

  “What’s great about them?”

  “Cats just seem to be content wherever, whenever, even if they’re alone.”

  I didn’t quite comprehend what she meant, but I tried to answer her appropriately. “Cats don’t really understand gratitude.”

  “I know.”