'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy

by Leslie Langtry

  The others joined us in a huge embrace and we laughed until we cried. Even some of the Council members smiled a little. I turned to Missi and gave her the thumbs-up. She was holding a gun on Richie with a blissed-out look on her face. So she was going to get the prize. That was great. She had certainly earned it.

  It only took a few hours to call our jet to pick us up from the island to take us home. I spent the whole time in Diego’s arms with Romi on my lap. Dak found some Moet and Chandon White Star champagne on board and we all drank ourselves silly.

  “Diego?” Romi asked solemnly.

  He pulled her onto his lap. “What is it, princess?”

  “Will you marry us?”

  Diego looked from me to her, then kissed her on the cheek, “Of course I will. If your mum will have me, that is.”

  “Oh, I’ll have you,” I whispered amongst the cheers of my family, “again, and again, and again.”

  EPILOGUE

  “That was the best vacation ever! I love our family.”

  —Dash, The Incredibles

  “Mrs. Bombay?” Kaitlyn looked up at me. “Is this right?”

  “Pretty good.” I took her hand in mine and led her through the motions. “You need to release the knife a little bit later. That will help improve your aim.”

  Kaitlyn did just as I asked and nailed the target, dead center. I was so proud of her.

  “Girls!” Liv shouted. “Snack time!”

  In seconds she was surrounded by ravenously hungry Daisies. While she doled out the cookies and milk, I pulled the knives out of the board that served as our target. After carefully wiping them off, I slid them back into their leather cases and stuck them on my belt.

  Mom waved from the porch, and I walked over to take another tray of cookies to the girls. It was really sweet of her to let us use her yard.

  Actually, the meetings had been going very well. There were no more incidents with pipe cleaners and glue. In fact, the girls had taken to their new training with a military precision that surprised me.

  And while the Girl Scout Council (the only council I answer to these days—and much less lethal) thought they were too young for the archery training, throwing knives and using chemistry sets to make explosives, the Scouts were having one hell of a good time. I’m planning a trip next year to a survivalist camp. I think my Daisies will love it.

  Vivian wasn’t saying much these days. Maybe because I came through with the Halloween cookies, or maybe because I had a new, hunky Australian husband. I’d like to think that it was because her daughter (in my troop) now knew how to make a simple car bomb using hair gel, a cell phone and ammonia. I guess it didn’t really matter why she avoided me, just that she kept doing it.

  And you heard me right. Diego Jones became Diego Bombay. We had to work through some things once we got back, but we managed. Now that I’d retired, he felt he could accept the past and had long since forgiven me for whacking Turner. In fact, Diego retired too and we’re living a good life off Bombay blood money. So everyone wins.

  Diego and I had a simple Justice of the Peace ceremony before Halloween and then he moved in officially. You might think our days were dull and quiet. What with taking Romi to school in the morning, coming back home and having sex until noon, taking a post-coital nap, picking up Romi, then doing family stuff until bedtime (when there’s more sex until we fall asleep). But so far, we aren’t bored yet. Poppy finally became housetrained—a major cause for celebration. Of course, the little slut spends all her time on Diego’s lap.

  There were no plans to visit Santa Muerta in the near future, but we were going to Australia during the holidays to meet Diego’s family. As for my family, they held a more important place in my heart than ever. Liv and I were still training Romi and Alta (couldn’t get out of that one, unfortunately), and Grandma had sent each of her grandchildren an American Express Black Card with an unlimited line of credit and a private concierge in each city, as a form of apology. I was definitely not too proud to use it. I even had sent a nice thank-you note.

  There were no secrets in my household anymore. I opened up the secret workshop and turned it into a room for all my knitting stuff. Of course, I still keep up on the family business. Romi will be joining it one day and I want to be on top of things. Oh, and I had Missi scan my body for hidden explosives, just to be sure.

  I guess you could say that what began with an invitation to a family reunion of assassins ended with a new family of my own. A much happier ending, I think.

  Of course, from time to time, my mind wandered to the safe in my new knitting room. Where, in case you’re wondering, I kept the photos. They might prove useful someday. With a family like the Bombays, I wasn’t ruling anything out.

  LESLIE LANGTRY grew up in the small town of DeWitt, Iowa, where her teachers wrote, “Leslie spends too much time daydreaming in class” on her report cards and kids wrote, “You are funny and really weird” in her yearbooks. For some idiotic reason, Leslie didn’t fulfill her dream of becoming a published author until much later. Instead, she lived and worked in Lynchburg, Virginia; Springfield, Illinois; Delmar/Clinton, Iowa; and Rock Island, Illinois. Now she lives in the Quad Cities with her family. She divides her time between writing, her most excellent critique group and her perfectly-behaved Girl Scout troop. Leslie is currently working on her next book. For more information, check out www.leslielangtry.com.