“I hope not.” I let the tears fall freely.
May 11, 2016
This is a bad fucking idea.
Standing outside of my parents’ house, I take in a deep breath, trying to gather up the courage to ring the doorbell and tell them what’s been going on. I know it’ll end badly, but I have to put this masquerade to fucking rest.
Not only are they against what I’ve always enjoyed and every choice I’ve made, but they are trying to rule mine and my siblings’ lives. I can’t let that happen again, especially not to Maddie.
My heart is still breaking for the way I left Matt without an explanation like the coward I am. I didn’t have any other choice; I just hope he’ll be able to forgive me once I go back to him. If he doesn’t want me, I’ll have to accept it and let him go, but I won’t without a fight. I love him too much to just give up. I’m doing this today so we can hopefully live our life together in peace and without having my father and the weight of my family casting a shadow over our happiness.
“Are you going to stand there long or are you going to come in?” My father’s rough voice resonates behind me.
“No, sir.” I turn to him and follow him inside.
“What are you doing here? Finally came to your senses?” he scoffs.
“You could say that.”
“About time.” He sits in his chair positioned in the corner of the living room, giving him a view of the entire room and the adjacent rooms. “We’ve already set up everything for you and Lindsey. You just have to be there and say I do on the big day,” he says coldly.
“Yeah, about that, it’s not gonna happen,” I say, trying to keep my voice from wavering.
“Excuse me?” he sneers at me.
“See, I’ve never loved Lindsey, and I never will. I’m no-”
“She’s a very respectable young lady. Why can’t you just accept being with her like your siblings have settled with their spouses?” he shouts.
“Because I’m gay.”
“You just have to marry Lindsey and have kids with her. I’m doing this so you’ll have a set future and family.”
“What don’t you understand in the fact that I do not want to spend my life with a woman?”
“Because you weren’t taught that way! It’s a sin, and it’s disgusting!” he bellows.
“So two people loving each other, having actual feelings for each other is disgusting?” I knew my father was set in his ways, but I didn’t think he was this stupid.
“Yes, it’s not natural or normal. Men shouldn’t kiss, hold hands or do God knows what.” He physically shudders.
“Tough luck, I love a man. I love sucking his dick and having mine sucked. I love every single second of it, and the sex is mind-blowing. Much better than with any woman I’ve ever been with. Maybe that’s what you need. A big cock shoved deep in your ass,” I say calmly. Yelling at him won’t have any effect on him.
“I will not allow this to happen! Not now, not ever!” he yells.
“You don’t have a say in how I choose to live my life and whom I choose to love. That’s not how life goes. I don’t know what kind of crazy plan you have to set all your kids up for a life of unhappiness, but I won’t be a part of it and neither will Maddie. She’s far too good for any of that shit. If you as much as try to force her to marry someone I swear to God, I’ll end your miserable life myself,” I spit at him and get up. I’ve had enough of this. It’s pointless to talk to him about anything. It’s always been this way, and it’ll never change. I don’t even know why I bothered coming. A phone call would have been enough.
As I walk out of the room and toward the door to leave, something connects with the back of my head, and my world turns to black.
Opening my eyes slowly, my head is pounding like a motherfucker. I don’t remember ever getting a headache this bad. I try to move to reach up and rub the sore spot on the back of my head, but my movements are restricted. I look down and see I’m tied to a chair. I try to move, but it’s pointless. Whoever tied me up, knew what they were doing.
“You’re not going anywhere, son.” Robert’s voice resonates in my head.
“What the hell am I doing tied up?” I look around and see him standing to my left. I’m in an empty garage or warehouse or something.
“See, you do not want to cooperate with my plans so I won’t have any other choice but to force you to accept them.” He circles me.
“Oh really? So you’re going to get a priest and have him marry Lindsey and me here?” I scoff, and he punches my jaw.
“Do not take that tone with me. I’ll do whatever it takes for my plans to unfold the way I want them to. I’m not going to let a little bastard like you ruin them for me.” He sneers.
“And what exactly are your plans? You keep mentioning them, but I still don’t know. Hell, none of us know.”
“Frank knows, and he went with it because he knows better than to go against his father’s will.”
“Care to share with me? I wanna know what’s so fucking special about Lindsey that it’s mandatory that I marry her.”
“You’re finally accepting it. Guess I won’t have to go through with what I had in mind for you.” He laughs sadistically.
“No, I’m not accepting whatever it is that you’re trying to force upon me. I just wanna know what’s going through your sick and sadistic mind to do this to your own son.”
“I guess I’ll just have to beat the gay out of you and make you see the light,” he yells at me, and punches start raining on my face, in my ribs, on my back, on my injured leg; anywhere he can land a punch, he does. I’m numb to the pain. I’ve learned to take it from military training. Thinking of it, some of it wasn’t real military training, and I still wonder what the hell he’s put me through. “You’ll learn to go with your father’s will.”
I don’t talk.
I don’t wince.
I don’t scream for mercy.
I don’t give him the satisfaction to show him that it’s affecting me. His punches aren’t affecting me. The bruises will fade with time but the words… They’ll stay with me forever as they always have.
I’ll beat the gay out of you.
It’s not the first time he’s said those words. I remember them from a long time ago as my body takes a beating.
I was eight, and it was the summer. We lived on the military base, and there were a lot of kids running around. I’ve always been a loner, even back then. I was watching the kids playing; boys running around shirtless because it was so hot. Robert caught me looking at them, and he dragged me inside by the neck and said those exact words as he threw me in the living room. I’ll beat the gay out of you. It was my first beating and the first time he figured I had a thing for men.
He then took it upon himself to torment and torture me for years and years until he sent me to one of his drill sergeant friends to teach me how to be a good soldier. He was then the one doing the beating if I wasn’t doing something right. I was fourteen.
Clearly, none of this worked as I was busted looking up gay porn when I was sixteen. That was the worst one. He beat me within an inch of my life and sent me to military camp and then to war. I didn’t have a say in any of this. At first, I thought it was just because we were a military family, but Frank was never sent out to be a soldier.
A part of me really wants to know what the hell all of this is about and the other part is scared of what it might find out.
I don’t know how long I’ve been in here. Regularly, Robert comes in and tries to ‘beat the gay out of me’. Not like it’s going to work, but I’m in no position to fight back. He won’t tell me why he’s doing all of this. What it means to him. He does, however, have a lot of fun checking my messages from Matt and reading them out. Making sure they are checked as read but not replying back to hurt Matt. That’s what hurts the most. I don’t care about the physical pain, but the emotional turmoil Matt must be in because he sees that the messages have been read just breaks my heart even mo
re. He’ll think I left him for good when I was just trying to do the right thing.
Time has stopped for me. I’ve been between in and out of consciousness quite a few times now. Robert being more violent each time and there’s nothing I can do. No one knows I’m here. I’m all alone. I should have told someone where I was going, what I was going to do, but there’s not much someone can do for me when I don’t even know where I’m kept at.
The door to the room I’m locked in slowly opens, and I brace myself for another beating. To my surprise, it’s Frank. I’m relieved for a minute, but if the look of dread on his face is anything to go by, he’ll take over what Robert has been doing for God knows how long.
“We don’t have much time,” Frank says in an ushered voice.
“What?” I mumble. My left eye is swollen shut. My nose is probably broken. My jaw is killing me, and my bottom lip is busted open. My ribs and back are all bruised up, and it’s painful just to breathe, let alone talk.
“I’m going to get you out of here,” he says as he undoes my binds.
“Why?”
“We don’t have time for this. Can you walk?” he asks as he helps me up slowly. I wince and fall to the ground. It’s the first time I’m standing up in however many days I’ve been here.
“Looks like you’re going to have to carry me.”
“Bollocks,” he groans.
“Karma is a right fucking bitch, isn’t she?” I smirk, or I think I do.
“Don’t get a kick out of this, you jerk.” He huffs as he helps me up and helps me to his car that’s parked outside.
Looking around, I realize that I’m at the military base we used to live on. In the very same bunker I was beaten by Robert’s drill sergeant friend.
Frank gets me in the car and gets behind the wheel before driving away.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“It’s a long story.” Frank blows out a breath.
“I gathered that. I’m all ears so start speaking.”
“Back in his day in the military, Robert wasn’t a good little soldier like he made it out to be to us. Turns out he was hanging out with the enemy and fucked shit up. He was dishonorably discharged for sexual assault on a family member to one of the generals. He got her pregnant, and you came into this world,” he says the last part through gritted teeth.
“What?” I say in a low, stunned voice.
“Your mom was the general’s daughter. He raped her after a bender, and she got pregnant with you. Robert came from a prominent family in the area so even though he got a DD from the Army, he was still allowed to roam freely if he married your mom and took care of you. To Robert, you were a daily reminder of how one night of fun fucked up his life. He never wanted kids, and you were thrown in his life. He d-”
“Did he kill my mom?” I cut him off.
“Yes.”
“Son of a bitch!” I yell out.
“Sorry, I wish I wasn’t the one to tell you about it all. I’m sorry things got messed up between all of us and that I was a bad brother and didn’t help you out when you needed it.” I’m shocked by what he’s saying.
“You were too young to help me, but it doesn’t explain why Robert is doing all of this shit to us and why you and Caroline accepted it, why you all hate me and why you’re saving my ass now.”
“Robert is doing it because he was forced into it. After he got rid of your mom, the same thing pretty much repeated itself with Linda. He was on a night out drinking and forced himself onto her. She didn’t seem to mind it. Apparently, she was known as the town slut, but yeah, Caroline was born, then me, then Maddie. She accepted his ways, but he never wanted the kids and made sure to ruin our lives by setting us up with people we didn’t want to be with.”
“You do realize it makes no fucking sense, right?”
“I’m not finished.” He sighs.
“Go on then, don’t let me stop you.”
“Remember how Grandad was always cold and well a dick to Robert?”
“How could I forget that?” I scoff.
“Well, turns out Robert came out gay to him when he was just a teenager, and he sent him to military training to get him out of that phase. When he raped your mom, his friends had teased that he couldn’t get it up for a woman, but he just went to prove them wrong. I’m sorry.”
“Fucking asshole,” I mumble.
“He is and was this harsh on you because the same happened to him.”
“He’s more fucked up than I thought.”
“I know.”
“Why are you going through with it, though?” I ask needing to know.
“I actually fell in love with Olivia and from what she says, she did too. I wasn’t for it in the beginning. Sure, she was hot, and sex was great. As time went by, feelings became real, and it’s a real thing now; I’m happily marrying her.”
“I’m happy for you then,” I say truthfully.
“Really?”
“Don’t sound so surprised. Despite you being a little shit all the while we were growing up, I’m glad you found the one for you.”
“Thanks, Nate. Means a lot to me.
“No worries. What about Caroline?”
“She hates Dylan. She can’t stand him, and I know she’s going to file for divorce. She had no idea what was going on in the beginning. She was overweight and thought no one would want her, so she went on with it, thinking it was a favor Robert was doing her. She figured things out about a year into the wedding.”
“When did you find out?”
“Around the same time as she did.”
“Why am I the last to know?” I sigh.
“It all started because of what Robert did, and I just never got the guts to tell you about any of it.”
“Why now then? Why help me escape, and where the hell are you taking me?”
“Because the guy he picked for Maddie is a fucking asshole, and I don’t want him to get his hands anywhere near her. I know you’ll be able to protect her and make sure she’s safe and that guy won’t get to her. I’m taking you to a cabin to rest and recover before you can show your face back into society. You have to lay low for a bit. I know Robert is going to look for you, and he’ll go to your place straightaway so you can’t go there,” he states matter of factly.
“Who’s cabin?”
“Olivia’s parents. They hate Robert and aren’t happy that she’s marrying into his family, but they know she loves me and I love her, so they’re okay with us being together and getting married.”
“That’ll make one hell of an awkward wedding.” I snort.
“Tell me about it. We’ve been thinking of doing our own thing, to be honest.”
“Breaking the family rules, you rebel.” I chuckle and wince.
“Stop making fun of me or I’ll drive you back,” he grunts.
“You wouldn’t dare! Think of Maddie.”
“That’s low.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“No need. Consider it me making it up for all the years where I did nothing and let Robert torment you at family functions.”
“Alright, brother. I still can’t believe he killed my mom.” I sigh.
“I know. I was shocked when I found out. I’m still shocked he’s gay and has been repressing those feelings for so long.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Sorry for teasing you about it too.”
“Will you stop apologizing? We’re even. You saving my ass is enough to make up for it.”
“Alright, keep your panties on.” He chuckles. “We’re here.” He parks in front of a nice little cabin secluded from the city and other cabins.
“Did you stock up the fridge with beer?” I ask getting out of his car.
“Yeah, I know you.” He comes to my side and helps me out and to the front door.
“I stocked up the fridge, and I’ll come back whenever you need me to. Just call or text, and I’ll be here.” He unlocks the door and walks me ins
ide.
“My phone is at the bunker,” I groan, frustrated with myself.
“I figured you’d need it.” He takes it out of his pocket and hands it to me.
“I could kiss you.” I try to smile.
“None of that.” He frowns.
“Do I look that disgusting?”
“Yes.”
“Thanks for sugar coating it.”
“My pleasure. You should get some rest. The bedroom is to your left, the bathroom is attached to it, and the rest is an open plan as you can see so you won’t have to deal with stairs. I have to get back to work, but let me know when you wake up. Need anything before I go?”
“Thanks for everything and no, I’ll be alright.”
“Don’t mention it.” He pats my shoulder, and I wince. “Sorry!”
“Let’s just shake on it.” I hold my hand out, and he shakes my hand. Not a very brotherly thing, but it’s the best I can do right now.
“Call me later.”
“I will.” I walk to the bedroom and fall onto the bed straightaway. I check my messages and see a few more from Matt.
Matt: I hope you’re alright. I’m really worried.
Matt: Whatever I did wrong, tell me how I can fix it.
Matt: I love you.
Matt: Please call me. I can see you reading my messages.
Matt: You’re killing me, Nate.
I hate this. I hate that Robert was willingly tormenting Matt just to get back at me because I had the guts to stand up to him and follow my heart.
I type a quick message to Matt. Hoping he’ll understand.
Me: I love you too, Matt. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. It’s a long story. I just got my phone back. I wasn’t the one checking my messages. I need to get some sleep. I’ll call you as soon as I wake up unless it’s in the middle of the night. I love you <3
I put the phone on the nightstand and fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes.
I wake up to the sound of my phone buzzing on the nightstand. I pick it up and answer.
“Hello?” I mumble, both from sleep and pain from my lip.
“It’s good to finally hear your voice.” Matt sighs in relief, emotion taking over his voice.
Love at First Hate Page 19
