But he wasn’t there. And the house wasn’t filled with family because they wanted to come for a visit. They were there to help us grieve and say goodbye to the best man I’d ever known.
I wasn’t ready.
I didn’t want to say goodbye yet. I didn’t want to believe he was really gone, that he slipped away in his sleep peacefully. I wanted to climb the stairs and lock myself in my old bedroom so I could curl up on the bed and cry until there weren’t any tears left.
But I couldn’t do that. My mother needed me to be the strong one. She’d lost the love of her life, and although she was putting on a brave face, I could see just how much she was hurting. It shone in her eyes like a spotlight. If she crumbled, I needed to be there to pick her back up and hold her together. So I couldn’t breakdown. Not yet.
I’d called Eliza on my way to Jackson Hole the night before. She was on her way from Denver and I was thankful for that, even though I’d told her it wasn’t necessary. She was pregnant and her husband was in the middle of an undefeated season. She had responsibilities and a life of her own that she needed to handle there, but she refused to hear it. She’d booked a flight and was already on her way from the airport. I couldn’t wait to see her, despite the circumstances. She was just the person I needed with me during this time. While I was holding my mother up, Eliza would be at my side, doing the same for me, and even though it made me feel like a burden, I really needed that right now.
“How are you doing, dear?”
I looked from the window, where I’d been standing for the past half hour, looking out at the snow-covered mountains on the horizon. Offering up a small smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes, I gave Aunt Jenny the standard response I’d been giving for the past four hours.
“I’m okay. Sad, but okay.”
A total lie, but they didn’t really need to hear the truth, did they? Everyone was already sad enough.
“Your father was a wonderful man. He will be missed,” she whispered as her eyes grew misty, oblivious to the fact I was barely holding myself together. Her intentions were good, it just wasn’t the right time for me.
“He was,” I somehow managed past the lump in my throat. “Thank you.” Blessedly, my cell phone began ringing in my back pocket at that second, and I used the distraction to end the conversation with my well-meaning aunt. “Excuse me,” I started. “I should take this. It’s probably Eliza.”
I quickly worked my way through the formal living room at the back of the house to the quiet family room at the front before pulling my phone from my pocket. At the sight of Quinn’s name on the screen, my heart did something I hadn’t even thought possible and cracked even more. It was like there was no limit to the amount of suffering one’s heart could take.
I sent the call to voicemail just like I had all the others I’d been getting since early this morning. Only this time, once it stopped ringing, I went into my contacts and blocked his number. I’d made a huge mistake last night, calling him. Apparently grief made me do stupid things, because when I got the call from my mother, he’d been the first person I thought of, the first person I called, the first person I wanted with me as my world came to a screeching, crashing halt.
But he didn’t answer.
We’d been over for a month, and in that time the only conversations we’d had were about Sophia’s dance classes. I’d told him I loved him and he had walked out on me, ending everything in the blink of an eye. Why I thought he could possibly be my rock during the hard times was a mystery. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. Quinn made it clear he wanted me out of his life, so I was out.
Sitting on the squashy, overstuffed sectional that took up most of the space in the cozy family room, I lay my head back and curled my legs underneath me, letting the heat from the fire in the fireplace try and penetrate the chill I’d been feeling since I got the phone call the night before.
I tuned out the sounds and voices coming from the back of the house and let my mind wander as I closed my eyes. I just needed a little space for a bit, then I’d go back in to Mom and make sure she was okay.
At some point I must have dozed off, because the sound of the doorbell ringing jolted me awake. I blinked the sleep from my eyes just as the person on the other side of the door began to knock softly. “I got it,” I called out, not wanting my mother to have to bother with any more neighbors dropping off casserole dishes.
Placing my hand on the doorknob, I twisted and pulled it opened, prepared to give the well-wisher a smile and move them on, but when my eyes lifted and connected with those familiar sea-green eyes everything in me froze.
“Lilly.”
Just when I thought my life couldn’t possibly get any worse. The sound of his deep, raspy voice caused every nerve ending in my body to fire. “Quinn.” My voice came out just as flat and emotionless as I was feeling. The sight of him was too much. Everything inside of me went numb. It was as though my body shut down as a countermeasure to prevent me from completely losing it, shutting out all emotion. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m so sorry.” His face was full of sympathy as he took a step closer. I backed up, but kept my fingers wrapped around the edge of the solid wood door, needing something to hold on to, something that I could place between us with a flick of the wrist. “I didn’t see your calls until this morning. There was a fire last night and I—”
I held up my hand to stop him. I didn’t doubt he was telling the truth. If I were honest, I hadn’t even considered that he was at work when I’d called. But that didn’t change anything.
“It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have called you.”
His brow furrowed and the frustration flickered in his gaze. “Of course you should have. Your father passed and you were all alone. If I could have, I would have been there for you.”
Some of the pain dwindled as anger began to take its place. “Yeah, well it’s not really your place to be there for me, now is it?” I snapped. “I appreciate you coming out here, but now’s really not a good time.”
I moved to shut the door, but his big, booted foot shot out and stopped it. His voice went soft, so full of pity when he said, “Lilly,” that the numbness I had shielded myself with cracked and began to spider like a windshield after being hit by a rock until it finally just gave way. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I was not going to cry in front of him. I wasn’t! But as I stood there, blinking rapidly and sniffling at the burning in my nose, I knew I was about to lose my battle. And when he reached out and pulled me into his strong arms, the dam burst. “Shhh,” he soothed. “It’s okay.”
As one arm wrapped around my waist, holding me firmly to him, his other hand trailed through my hair. “I’ve got you,” he whispered against the crown of my head. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”
I sobbed into the cotton of his sweater, so overwrought I couldn’t find it in me to enjoy his clean, masculine scent. A person could only handle so much heartache until they were swept under the weight of it. And as he offered me his strength and comfort, I let it out and allowed the current to temporarily drag me down.
Quinn
SHE LET ME hold her.
Only for a few minutes as her grief overcame her, but it was still a start.
Placing her hands on my chest, she pushed away and wiped the tears from her red-rimmed eyes before inhaling deeply through her nose. “I’m okay now,” she spoke, her voice hoarse from crying. “Thanks.”
Unable to help myself, I reached out to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, only to have her jerk her head back out of my reach. “I’m not going anywhere,” I told her, tucking my hands into my pockets so I wouldn’t feel tempted to reach out again. “I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.” At the mention of Addy something indecipherable flitted across her face, but it disappeared before I could place it. “You need people around you who care right now. I’m going to be one of those people, Lilly. Because despite what’s happened between us, I do care about you.”
/> She muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like yeah, just not enough, but before I could press her further, another voice from the hallway interrupted.
“Lilly? Is someone at the door?”
We both turned in time to see her mother heading our way. I’d only met her parents once, after the Winter Showcase, and it hadn’t been a very good first impression on my part. I’d been struggling with my growing feelings for Lilly, and meeting her parents was too much for me to handle at the time. I’d reverted back to what was familiar to me and acted like a dick.
“Mom.” Lilly took a big step back from me as she offered a stilted introduction. “You remember Quinn from the Showcase. He just stopped by to offer his condolences.”
I gave her a quick look, understanding exactly what she was up to, it spoke volumes, stating that she wasn’t getting rid of me that easily. Extending my hand for her to shake, I squeezed gently and offered, “Mrs. Mathewson. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.” She smiled politely while her tired eyes shown with the tears she was battling. “And please call me Elizabeth. It was nice of you to come. Would you like to come in? We have plenty of food if you’re hungry. The neighbors have been quite generous.”
“I wouldn’t want to impose—”
“Nonsense.” She waved me off. “You wouldn’t be imposing at all. The house is full of people anyway, and there’s no way I’ll ever be able to eat everything in the kitchen. You’d be doing me a favor. I can’t let you drive back to Pembrooke on an empty stomach.”
I dropped Elizabeth’s hand and gave Lilly side-eyes as I said, “I’m actually not going back for a few days. My folks are watching my daughter for me. I rented a room at the Holiday Inn a few miles away. I wanted to be here for Lilly if she needed me.”
From the corner of my eye, I could see Lilly’s face growing red as Elizabeth pulled in a breath and clasped her hands in front of her. “Oh how sweet! Isn’t that sweet, honey?”
Lilly looked like she’d just bitten into a lemon while she ground out, “Yeah. So sweet.” It was an inappropriate thought, considering the circumstances, but I couldn’t help but want to gloat, knowing I’d just won that round.
“You should stay here,” Elizabeth continued. “We have plenty of room. No reason for you to have to pay for a hotel.”
“Mom,” Lilly cut in. “I’m sure Quinn would feel more comfortable in his own space.” She shot me a quick, murderous glare and the knot in my stomach unfurled a bit, seeing that familiar fire in her eyes after how blank they were when I’d first arrived.
“I insist!” Elizabeth kindly patted my shoulder. “Go get your bags, Quinn. Lilly can show you to the guestroom upstairs.”
“B-but…” she sputtered as I tried to keep from grinning triumphantly. “What about Eliza? That was supposed to be her room. Where’s she supposed to sleep?”
“She can sleep with you, honey. It’ll be just like old times when you were kids.”
Another wave of sorrow washed over Lilly’s face, and I understood exactly what she was thinking. Just like old times, with the exception of one very important person being present. “I’ll just go get my stuff,” I said in an attempt to pull her from her sad memories.
“I’ll help,” she offered softly before leading me out the front door.
Once we got outside, I noticed all she had to ward off the cold in the air was a cardigan that she had pulled closed tightly around her. “You shouldn’t be out here without a jacket,” I started, as I followed her to my truck in the driveway. “It’s supposed to start snowing any time now.”
“Why are you here?” she asked, ignoring what I just said. “Seriously, Quinn. Don’t you think I’m struggling enough already? You have to go and make it harder after—” Her voice broke as another bout of grief worked to consume her. I tried to go to her, but she took a step away, holding one hand out to stop me. In that moment I felt helpless, and it was a feeling I absolutely hated. She was struggling and there was nothing I could do to help her through it. She wouldn’t let me.
“I can’t do this with you right now,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around her waist as if holding herself together. “I need to be here for my mom. I can’t afford to lose it.”
“And what about you?” I asked, my voice hard. “Who’s supposed to be here for you? You can’t take all the weight for your mother and not mourn yourself. It’s not healthy.”
“You think I don’t know that?!” she shouted. I could see those whiskey-colored eyes of hers shining with tears before she squeezed them closed and ran both her hands through her hair in agitation. “I can’t…” She swallowed convulsively. “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this, Quinn. Everything hurts. I miss my dad. I want him back. I want him to come back, but he’s never going to.” She sobbed. “And then you show up, and it just hurts to look at you. I can’t handle all of this. I need to be strong for Mom, but I feel like I’m drowning!”
I couldn’t stay away from her any longer. The distance between us when she was so heartbroken gutted me. Closing the space in two short strides, I wrapped her in my arms and pressed my face against the top of her head.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so goddamned sorry. I wish everything could be different. I wish you weren’t suffering, but please, please let me be here for you. You need someone who’s looking out for you while you look out for your mom. I know you don’t want that person to be me, and I know I hurt you, but please let me do this. I can’t stand the thought of you dealing with all this shit on your own.”
“I have Eliza—” she started to argue, but I broke in before she could finish pushing me away.
“And you’ll have me too. Please, Lilly,” I begged.
After a few seconds, she sniffled; the muscles in her body loosened and I knew it was time to let her go. She wouldn’t allow me to hold her any longer. Dropping my arms, I moved to my truck and grabbed my bag from the back seat.
“You can stay,” she said, her voice flat. “You’re here, and my mom invited you, so you can stay. You’re right. I need all the help I can get to make it through the next few days.” I breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived as she continued. “But nothing’s changed. You’re still the guy who broke my heart a month ago. We aren’t friends, Quinn. You’re here because I need someone, but that’s it. Once we get back to Pembrooke, things go back to the way they’ve been. Don’t try and be a part of my life. Don’t try and be my friend. If you can’t do that, then you should leave now. Understand?”
It killed me that I couldn’t protest, because she was right. Nothing had changed. She’d told me she loved me, and in return, I’d ended our relationship. I still couldn’t give her what she needed, what she deserved. I’d had that once already and destroyed it. I didn’t deserve it again. The guilt was still there, eating away at my insides, leaving me empty. No matter how much I wanted Lilly, how much she meant to me, I couldn’t give her that.
“I understand.” I nodded and hooked the strap of my bag over my shoulder, and if it was even possible, her expression grew even sadder. As I followed her up the path to the front door, I couldn’t help but think that me being here was only making everything worse on her.
But I couldn’t make myself stay away.
TO SAY LILLY wasn’t coping would have been an understatement. I’d kept a close eye on her the past two days, always at the distance she kept me at. She watched her mother like a hawk, so much so that she was able to anticipate Elizabeth’s needs before the words were even spoken. She cleaned, she played gracious hostess to all of her family, and held her mother whenever things got too hard and the poor woman couldn’t hold back the tears. Eliza and I accompanied the two of them as they went to make the funeral arrangements, and even then, Lilly put on a brave face, only shedding a handful of tears as she talked to the funeral director.
She was carrying the weight of her own loss and everyone else’s on her own shoulders, trying her bes
t to take the burden off of an entire family. I kept my mouth closed, but with every minute that ticked by, my worry for her continued to grow. If she kept up at the rate she was going, there was no doubt in my mind that she would eventually have a meltdown.
I knew by the sadness and concern in Eliza’s eyes that she saw it too, and felt just as helpless as I did. “She’s going to lose it,” she whispered to me at one point yesterday.
“Yeah,” was all I could say in response.
“I’m afraid she’ll do it once I’m back in Denver, that I won’t be here to help her.”
My gaze traveled down to where her hand rested on the noticeable swell of her belly. “I know she’s your best friend, but you can’t take on too much stress,” I warned, tipping my chin at her baby bump. “Not with that little one cooking inside there.”
Eliza smiled and turned her attention from Lilly to me, and my head jerked back in shock at what she said next. “I don’t like you very much right now.” It wasn’t the words that threw me off as much as the tone of her voice. She sounded downright conversational as she told me she didn’t like me, not the slightest bit angry. Women — especially pregnant ones — needed to come with a goddamn manual. “I know what was going on with you two,” she admitted. “It took a hell of a lot of pushing, but I finally got her to tell me, and I think you’re a real asshole.”
“I am,” I replied, feeling the weight of that admission on my chest. I hated that I hurt Lilly, that I couldn’t be the man she deserved. And in the month since I’d ended it, I went to bed most nights wishing things could have been different.
Turning her body in my direction, giving me her full attention, the lightness in Eliza’s tone disappeared. “You hurt her, in a way I’ve never seen Lilly hurt before. And now, when she’s struggling with the most painful thing she’s ever dealt with, you’re standing right here. Why?”
“I…” Taken back by her question, I had to stop and think about my answer, and despite how pathetic it was, the only reply I could come up with was, “I couldn’t not be here. As soon as I found out, I just got in my truck and started driving.”
A Broken Soul (The Pembrooke Series Book 3) Page 19
