She nodded like she understood completely. “Well, I might not like you, but I appreciate you looking out for my best friend.”
“You’re welcome.”
Her voice dropped to a low whisper as she added, “But when this is over, you need to leave her alone.” At that, I stopped breathing. “You’ve already made it clear that the two of you aren’t going anywhere, so let her go. She’s been through enough. She survived you once, but with everything that’s happened…” She gave a small wave to encompass Elizabeth’s living room and all the people in it. “…don’t make her try and survive you a second time. Just… leave her alone.”
I knew she was right. I knew that the selfless thing to do would have been to keep my distance and let Lilly move on. There was only one problem.
I wasn’t sure that I could.
Quinn
THE SERVICE HADN’T officially started yet, so I stood in the chapel as a few family members and close friends milled about, waiting for the doors to open. I kept my gaze firmly on Lilly as she stood at the front of the vestibule, her focus centered on the blown-up pictures of her father that sat on easels between multiple large sprays of flowers. She hadn’t moved for several minutes, hadn’t said more than a handful of words since waking up that morning.
I felt helpless, wanting nothing more than to take her pain away, but knowing it wasn’t my place. I’d given up that right when I ruined us.
“Sweetheart.” I turned my head at the sound of my mother’s voice and was surprised to see her walking up the aisle, hand-in-hand with Sophia.
“Mom? What are you two doing here?”
She stopped next to me and placed a kiss on my cheek at the same time Sophia wrapped her arms around my waist in a brief, but tight hug. “Soph wanted to come and make sure Ms. Lilly was all right. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
I ruffled my daughter’s hair, noticing for the first time that she was quiet, not her usual hyper self. She looked sad as her eyes traveled to where Lilly stood. “Angel, I’m not sure if now’s a really good time.”
Her sparkling blue eyes came back to me. “Please, Daddy. She’s prolly really sad right now. I can make her feel better. I promise I can.”
I opened my mouth to argue, even though my daughter’s determination warmed my heart, but Mom’s hand on my arm stopped me. “Just let her have a few minutes,” she said quietly. I nodded and we followed after Sophia, stopping a few feet back as she reached up and gave Lilly’s hand a small tug.
“Hi, Ms. Lilly.”
Lilly’s smile was forced, but she still bent and hugged her. “Well, hey there, Little Miss.”
My daughter spoke then. “I’m really sorry about your daddy.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“You know that song you sang to me to chase away my bad dreams?” Lilly’s body went visibly stiff as she nodded, and the urge to get to her side and offer comfort shot threw me, but Mom linked her arm through mine and held me back. “Do you… do you think it would work to chase the sad away, too?” Sophia asked, and that one simple question slayed me, slicing to the very core.
Lilly’s voice was rough with emotion as she answered, “I don’t know, honey.”
“Well, Meemaw downloaded it for me so I could learn all the words. I’m really good at it now. Do you maybe want me to sing it to you to see if it helps?”
I heard a soft inhale of breath to my right and turned my head to see Lilly’s mom standing there, watching with tears streaming down her cheeks as Eliza held on to her.
I looked back just as Lilly crouched low, resting on her knees in front of Sophia. “I’d like that very much,” she whispered. Then Sophia’s little voice filled the room as she began to sing “Landslide.” Wet hit my eyes just as Lilly’s voice joined in on the second chorus. What I was witnessing was so beautiful, so raw. I’d never seen anything like it in my life.
When they finally finished the song, Lilly moved in and held my daughter in the tightest embrace. Sophia just stood there, returning the hug like she knew exactly what Lilly needed in that very moment. It was almost too much to witness. I had to turn away, and when I did, my gaze landed on Elizabeth once again.
Through her tears she smiled and mouthed thank you. And once again, I was cut to my core.
Lilly
I COULDN’T SEE the purpose of funerals.
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand allowing people their chance to grieve the loss of someone they cared about, but if I had it my way, there would be a separate service for family, and another for friends, co-workers, and the like. That way they’d have a chance to say their final good-byes without the immediate family having to deal with countless people saying such banal things as ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ Yeah, not as sorry as I am. Or ‘Time heals all wounds.’ Well can you find me a fucking time machine so I can shoot myself to the point in time where the crushing weight in my chest doesn’t hurt so goddamned much? Then, my personal favorite, ‘He’s in a better place.’ I lost count of how many times I wanted to shout in someone’s face, asking, “Yeah? How the fuck would you know? You been there?”
Surprisingly enough, Quinn had stayed true to his word. He hadn’t left my side the entire day. I might have been walking around in a constant fog, but at least I had him and Eliza to guide my way for me.
“If I have to paste on a fake smile for one more person, I might just lose my mind,” I mumbled under my breath once there was a brief lull in the crowd. “My face actually hurts right now.” Trying to ease the ache, I opened my mouth wide and worked my jaw around.
“You want us to get you out of here?” Eliza asked, her arm looped through mine as we stood near the front pews of the church. “We can sneak you through the side so you don’t have to talk to anyone else. The service is over anyway.”
She was right, the only reason we were still hanging around was so everyone in the church could offer their condolences. Since my father requested to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered in the mountains in a place he and my mother had already selected, there wouldn’t be a graveside service.
Technically, I could leave if I wanted to, and I really wanted to, but as I looked down the length of the pew where my mother stood, talking to the group of people milling about, I knew I needed to stay, if for no other reason than to be there for her.
“I can’t leave my mom,” I stated, as I plastered another smile on my face when one of my parents’ neighbors stepped up in front of me and took my hand.
“It’s a sad, sad day. But he’s in a better place.”
Fuck off! I screamed in my head as my mouth replied, “Thank you, Mr. Whitman.”
I’d been teetering on the edge of losing it the entire day, walking a fine rope that seemed to fray with every step I took, and Mr. Whitman’s words — despite the well-meaning behind them — threatened to push me over. There suddenly wasn’t enough air. I was suffocating, the walls beginning to close in around me, and no one appeared to notice. Well, almost no one.
“We’re going,” Quinn stated in a firm tone that left no room for argument.
“I can’t—” I began to protest, even as a cold sweat broke out on my forehead and my body started to tremble. My heart was beating so hard I was scared it would break through my ribs.
He cut me off. “Eliza can stay with your mother for a bit, make sure she’s okay, and explain to her where you’ve gone. You need fresh air. I’m taking you outside for a bit.”
I wanted to cry in relief at the idea of stepping outside the confining room. Feeling just seconds from fainting, I didn’t argue as Quinn took me by the elbow and led me from the sanctuary through a side door that led us out of the church completely. The typical frigid winter temperature of Wyoming came as a blessing, and once we got a yard or so away from the building, I bent in half, hands propped on my knees, and pulled the much needed air into my deflated lungs.
“Oh, God,” I wheezed. “What the hell was that?”
Qui
nn’s palm came down on my back and he began rubbing soothing circles. “Panic attack. Just slow down, try and control your breathing. It’ll pass.”
“That’s what a panic attack feels like?” I asked exasperatedly. “Jesus! I felt like I was dying.”
“It’ll get better. I promise.”
Once my heart rate returned to normal, and the spots in my vision cleared I was able to stand upright. “You’ve experienced these?” Even with everything that had happened between us, even though I still held a bitter resentment for him, I couldn’t help but be concerned, because I wouldn’t wish what I’d just suffered through on my worst enemy.
“Yeah. After the… accident.” That was all he gave me, but I knew what accident he was talking about. He never spoke about his wife as far as I knew, but everyone in town knew the story of what had happened. A car accident took her life and left Quinn with a long recovery.
It was then that I realized just how much of a sacrifice he’d made for me by coming here, by staying with me the past few days. My voice was thick as I spoke around the painful lump in my throat. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “It’s all right. Haven’t had one in a while now.”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” In all the time we’d spent together, we’d never discussed his wife, his marriage. Hell, even the topic of the wedding ring he still wore was off the table, so saying what I felt I had to at that moment was so much harder than it should have been. “It’s selfish, really, but I’m only just now realizing how difficult all of this—” I pointed back at the church, “—must have been for you. And I’m sorry. Not just that you had to deal with a funeral and everything, but for your loss. You never talked about it, and I knew I couldn’t truly understand what you went through. I know it’s different, losing a father than it is losing a spouse, but I can appreciate how painful it is now. And I just…” I shrugged, feeling helpless. “I’m sorry. I know it’s ironic saying that to you when I couldn’t stand to hear it from everyone back there a few minutes ago, but it’s how I feel.”
He looked down at the dark, cracked asphalt of the church parking lot as he rocked back and forth on his heels. I didn’t have to see his eyes to know the shutters had dropped back into place. It felt like an eternity, but couldn’t have been more than a handful of seconds before he responded, “I don’t want to talk about it,” he stated with finality. “This… today, isn’t about me, it’s about you. Let’s not discuss—”
“Don’t,” I snipped, unable to control my turbulent emotions. “I’m not trying to get you to open up, Quinn. It’s like beating my head against a brick wall. I know trying to get you to talk to me is a lost cause, believe me,” I added sarcastically, because I was mad. No, that wasn’t right, I was pissed. The past few months had been full of darkness, sadness, and heartache. Quinn had given me a few brief glimpses of light during that time, only to snatch them away from me. Yeah, I was pissed, and standing in the middle of a church parking lot, after saying my final good-bye to my father, the best man I’d ever known, I snapped.
“You made it perfectly clear that I’m not enough to help you get past your loss, and I’ve accepted that. I’m not pushing you right now. Honestly, I’ve given up. You make trying to help you impossible. But I lost someone I loved with all of my heart today, and I know you’ve experienced the same thing, and for that I’m sorry. And I’m thankful that you pushed the pain aside long enough to be here for me when I needed someone. So this, right now, it’s not me trying to understand what makes you tick. I’m just acknowledging what you’ve done for me.”
“Lilly.” When he took a step in my direction, I held my hand up to stop him.
“I’m cold. I should probably go back inside.” His mouth opened, but I continued, not letting him get a word in. “And you should probably get back to Pembrooke. You’ve got your job and Sophia to see to.”
I knew he’d argue, and I was proven right when his jaw clenched and he declared, “I’m not leaving you.”
Fortunately, I’d reached my limit on pain for the day, so saying what I knew would make him leave couldn’t cause me to hurt any more than I already did. “I don’t want you here, anymore,” I stated flatly. “You’ve provided what I needed, and it’s time for you to go. I want you to go, Quinn.”
“You don’t mean that.”
Why? Why did he have to make this so fucking hard? “I do!” I shouted, my voice echoing through the snow-covered trees. “I do mean it! I want you to go. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, and I’ll never be able to repay you, but it’s done. We. Are. Done. In every single way possible. I’m staying with my mom for a few more days, and I don’t want you there. Please, Quinn, please. Don’t make this any harder than it already is. Just leave.”
“I want to help you.” His ravaged voice cut me to the bone.
“Funny,” I laughed without an ounce of humor. “That was all I wanted to do for you. Now maybe you’ll understand what I felt every time you gave me a piece of you, only to rip it away again.”
I hadn’t even noticed I’d been crying until just then. I turned and headed back toward the church, but not before issuing my parting shot. “Go home, Quinn. You would have walked away from me eventually. That’s all you’re capable of. So do us both a favor and walk away now.”
I didn’t stick around for a reply. Instead, I let the door between us close for good.
It was the only way I’d survive.
Quinn
I RIPPED ANOTHER board up and hurled it across the back yard. The fact that I was sweating my ass off even with the light dusting of snow on the ground was a testament to how hard I was pushing myself. After I’d dropped Sophia off at school that morning, I’d come out on my back deck to have a cup of coffee and try to calm my mind by staring out at the amazing view of the mountains that surrounded me.
That hadn’t worked.
Three feet out from my back door I stepped on a spot that was starting to rot through. What had started as a simple task of replacing the rotted board had quickly turned into me taking my aggression out and ripping the entire goddamned deck up.
In the middle of fucking winter.
I’d caught a brief glimpse of my neighbor — an old lady who’d lived in the house next door all her life — and didn’t miss the look on her face. She thought I was crazy. And as I ripped another piece of wood up, oblivious to the nails that jabbed into my work gloves, I couldn’t help but agree with her. I was so hot from working that I’d discarded my jacket twenty minutes ago, leaving me in just my jeans and a long sleeved thermal.
Half my deck now laid in a pile of rubble off to the side. It had been a week and a half since her father’s funeral. Three days since Lilly returned home from Jackson Hole, and the only reason I knew that was because Ethan had let it slip that Eliza was staying at her apartment to keep an eye on her. I guess I should have been thankful that they were both back in Pembrooke for the next several months on the tail of Ethan’s Super Bowl win, but I couldn’t stop thinking that I should be the one taking care of her.
I still hadn’t seen her. My texts and calls had all gone unanswered. I felt like I was missing a major piece of myself, a piece I needed in order to live. I had no one to blame but myself for the way things had turned out between us, but the worry ate at me until I was so consumed with it I could barely function. I needed to know she was all right. I needed to know she was coping. But I had no right, she’d made that clear.
I reached for another board and ripped with all my might. “Ah! Son of a bitch!” I looked down to see a nail had ripped clean through the sleeve of my shirt. The blood bubbling from the jagged cut on my arm oozed over onto the torn fabric, staining it a dark crimson. Using my teeth, I ripped the gloves off my hand and stomped back into the house, slamming the door behind me.
I jerked the sleeve up my forearm and held it under the faucet at my sink, sucking in a sharp hiss as the water stung the cut. It didn’t l
ook like it needed stiches, but I’d definitely need to clean the bastard out really well. Bending low, I grabbed the First Aid kit from under the sink and tore open several alcohol pads. I welcomed the pain that lanced through my arm as I wiped the wound clean. Honestly, the burn was a welcome distraction from the intense ache I’d been living with for the past month. One pain just worked to mask the other.
My cellphone rang from the back pocket of my jeans just as I finished wrapping a piece of gauze around my arm. “What?” I barked into the phone, not bothering to look at the display.
“Uh… Quinn? This is Quinn, right?”
At the unfamiliar man’s voice, I pulled the phone from my ear and glanced at the screen to see an unknown number. I brought it back up and answered, “Yeah. This is Quinn.”
“Quinn, this is Kyle, from the dance school. I got your number from Lilly’s phone. I’m sorry for interrupting, but is there… do you think you could get down here? Soon?”
White-hot fear froze me from the inside out. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Lilly—” Before he had a chance to finish, I was moving through the kitchen, snatching my keys off the counter as I passed. “I’ll be there in ten.”
I disconnected the call and rushed out of my house into my truck, telling myself that if it were something really serious, he would have called 911, not me. But whatever was happening was bad enough for him to go through Lilly’s phone in order to find my number.
My foot sat so heavy on the accelerator that I cut the time from my house to the studio in half, breaking every single rule of the road in order to get to Lilly.
The brakes screeched as I pulled into a spot right outside the school’s doors. The blinds to the studio up front were drawn, but when I hit the main door, it was unlocked. Kyle and the other teacher, Samantha, stood in the lobby, both wearing equally anxious expressions on their faces. I could hear music playing from the first studio, but ignored it as I stomped toward them, demanding, “What’s going on?”
A Broken Soul (The Pembrooke Series Book 3) Page 20
