by Nancy Barone
‘Luke, my life is serious, and so is my work. But one has nothing to do with the other.’
He shrugged. ‘I just wanted to see how far I could take you, that’s all. It will make for great dialogue.’
‘Luke – seriously? You are actually playing with my feelings? Yes, of course I made a huge mistake in marrying Phil. But you can’t turn my life into a Hollywood drama.’
‘Why not? You turned it into a romcom.’
‘Well, at least I was optimistic for a happy ending.’
‘Did you get one?’ he wanted to know.
I huffed. ‘I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.’ I’d had enough wittiness out of him for one day.
And yet, as I lay in bed under my eaves, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that conversation came from Luke the man, and how much came from Luke the entertainer. Was there at least a tiny bit of jealousy in there?
*
The next day I pulled on my jacket and sneakers and trudged up the hill to Jack’s, a bit of trepidation rising up inside me. How do you break the ice after weeks of not seeing each other after being practically joined at the hip for years?
His SUV was not in the garage, but I had a look around anyway, just in case. When he wasn’t in the barn, I swung back to the farmhouse and peered through the windows. Nothing. I remembered the days when the three of us always knew where the other two were. He had always been there, whether to give Lottie – or me – a boost, or for me to spoil him and Emma with a nice meal.
But since Luke’s arrival, I only saw them rarely, and I began to understand how Ben and Chloe must have felt torn, going back and forth between their parents. The idea of being estranged from Jack was scary. I never wanted to be without his friendship.
It suddenly struck me that I had been horrid to him by not inviting him because of Luke. Jack, who had saved my life more than a thousand times in a gazillion ways, was slowly drifting away. I had to stop it before it was irreversible and we were only nodding at each other frostily in the village, if that at all.
I pulled out my mobile from my back pocket and dialled his number, waiting, anticipating what I’d say.
Hi, Jack, how’s it hanging?
All right?
Want to come around mine for dinner? I’ve missed you. We all miss you.
But when he didn’t pick up and my call went to voicemail, I couldn’t leave a message. My throat hurt too much to speak. Maybe he’d only think I needed something. It would have served me right if he’d picked up and given me a piece of his mind. He’d have been right. I did need something. I needed to hear a friendly voice. His voice.
So I called again, and this time he finally answered.
‘Jack!’ I cried, almost weeping with relief.
‘Nina, what’s wrong?’ His voice was alarmed, and still charged with all the affection between us.
‘Oh,’ I croaked, drying my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? Couldn’t I cope with change? ‘I’m so glad you’re there. I came looking for you a few days ago, and then yesterday and today, but you were nowhere to be found.’
‘Me? Oh, I went to, uhm, Truro…’
‘Oh? Did you call on Emma?’
‘No, I had no time,’ he said with a cough. He always coughed when he was uncomfortable, and even over the phone I could tell something was off.
‘Jack? Are you all right?’
Why was he lying about something so normal? Unless… of course. My birthday was coming up soon and they were probably organising something for me, the two sneaks.
‘I’m fine, thank you, Nina. How are the Ben and Chloe?’
I baulked at his formal tone. And then I understood I should have of course invited him over for dinner to give him the good news of my budding romance, and probably get him and Luke to make an effort and forget their pissing contest. But Luke and I weren’t yet ready to tell the whole world. Luke had warned me that the minute the press found out, they’d be on our house like bees on honey, and I didn’t want that for my children.
‘I’m fine, we’re fine. Chloe and Chanel are still a bit iffy over Jessica’s presence here. Chanel feels threatened. But she should know that they will always be best friends, no matter what.’
Callie, who had been studying me with her intelligent eyes, abandoned her nook behind the AGA and settled herself on my feet, whining. She, too, knew the state I was in.
Silence at the other end, and then: ‘Sometimes things change, Nina.’
‘Only apparently,’ I said in earnest. ‘And only temporarily. Then things go back to normal, once the storm has passed.’
‘Has the storm passed yet?’ he wanted to know.
‘It doesn’t have to go away completely, does it? We can still continue in the rain, through thick and thin. Isn’t that what good friends do, Jack? Thick and thin? Jack, are you there?’
‘Yep,’ he said, sounding distracted.
‘When will you be home? Can I come over then? I’ve made you your favourite, peach cobbler.’
‘So your actor is still there, then.’ It was a logical deduction, not a question.
‘Luke? Of course. We’re still writing the script.’
‘Then you finish writing your script, Nina.’
Ouch. ‘Okay, I understand. But can’t I just bring you the cobbler? If you’re busy I’ll just leave it and—’
‘I’m not home,’ he said with finality.
‘Oh.’
I would have, a thousand years ago, let myself in and surprised him with a dinner as I used to, back in the day. But he was right: so many things had changed in the space of a summer.
‘Okay, Jack,’ I croaked. ‘Goodbye.’
At that, he groaned, albeit under his breath. When had he ever, ever groaned at me? Not even when I called on him several times a day for trivial things. He had always been happy to see me, but now I realised I had offended him by cutting him out from my happiness. As if I had been too high and mighty to spend some time with old friends. It served me right. I had absolutely no excuse for neglecting my friendships, especially the people who had always cared for me.
What could I say? It was as if I’d been momentarily swallowed up by a parallel world where only good things happened to me, and where I managed to obtain everything I’d always aspired to in order to better my kids’ lives. And was it now too late?
‘Jack?’
‘Goodbye, Nina.’
‘Goodbye, Jack…’
Swiping at tears of humiliation and sadness, I stuffed my phone back into my pocket and shuffled home, the weight of my stupidity on my shoulders.
Goodbye, my dearest, kindest friend in the entire universe.
31
Miss You Already
At least at home things were improving with our script.
‘This is gonna be great. I can already see Stella’s slim figure set against the Cornish cliffs, waiting for Dylan to return.’
If he ever returned. Would she ever see him again, I wondered?
‘Nina? What’s with you lately? You’ve been moping around as if you’d been given a death sentence.’
I picked myself up and forced a smile. ‘I’m sorry, Luke. I’m just – just tired. You were talking about Stella?’
‘Yeah. I was saying that it would be beautiful to see her tall, slim figure set against the sunset waiting for her lover to return.’
‘Not too slim, though,’ I countered. ‘Real women aren’t a size zero. We have flesh and organs, remember. Otherwise you might as well cast a paper doll.’
‘Yeah, but we also want to appeal to the younger audiences.’
‘If it’s a good story, you won’t need to. Everyone can relate to a well-written story, as long as it establishes a connection with the reader. But usually all good stories do.’
‘But what about the younger fans? They’re my safer bet.’
‘And that’s where you’re wrong. As girls mature to womanhood, their tastes mature as well, so if you have mostly young fans, they’ll grow o
ut of you, whereas if your target audience is, as you say, middle-aged, they’ll stay with you forever. Emma’s mum still goes to David Essex’s concerts. Mature women are more faithful, and don’t easily forget their first crush.’
‘Is that what you expected to happen with you and Phil?’
Ah. Here we were again, nosy sod. ‘No comment. But I will tell you this. I never write for a target audience. If a story is good, it will resonate with people from every walk of life, age and religious faith. So I really wouldn’t worry about how old your fans are, Luke. You should be grateful for every single one of them, as I am.’
‘Uh, speaking of fans, Nina…’
‘Yes?’
‘You understand that we still have to keep this a secret a little while longer,’ he said. ‘From the paps, I mean. If they find out I’m dating an English woman I’ll never hear the end of it.’
I bristled. ‘Yet I can take you in under the very roof my children sleep under, toss their lives upside down like a salad, and you’re okay with that.’
‘I’m sorry, Nina, but I have to follow the rules in my contract. I have to do everything I can to protect my career.’
His career? What about us?
‘Mum?’ came Chloe’s voice from the threshold.
‘Dad?’ came Jess’s like an echo.
We turned to look at the pair of them and instantly knew something was wrong.
It wasn’t just the way Chloe was folding one foot over the other like she did when she knew she was in deep trouble, nor how they were clinging to each other. It was their pale faces and their enormous eyes that made my heart lurch.
We shot to our feet. ‘Ben? Is he okay?’
‘He’s fine, Mum, he’s at Jack’s remember?’ Chloe said.
Yes, of course I remembered. Jack and Ben were still as close as ever, but you never stopped worrying in any case as a parent.
‘Are you guys okay?’ Luke said as we covered the few feet between us and them, meeting in the hall.
‘Yes, yes.’ Jess nodded, biting her lip as Chloe glanced at her, then turned to me. ‘But we have something to tell you both and you’re not going to like it.’
A knock on the door saved them – for the moment – but I noticed the way they kept glancing at each other, cringing. If it wasn’t health-related, they’d have to wait until I got rid of the unexpected caller.
I opened the door to a beautiful woman about my age.
‘Hello,’ she said.
I had no idea who she was, but it was instantly obvious to me that she was troubled.
‘Hello,’ I answered, desperate to get back to the girls. ‘Can I help you?’
‘Is this Cornflower Cottage?’
‘It is. Can I help you?’
‘I’d like to speak to Luke O’Hara, please.’
Ah. Emma had been right about his fans. It was only a matter of time until he was tracked down, even in our quiet little neck of the woods. Unless…
‘Are you a reporter?’ I asked politely. That was the last thing Luke wanted, someone to know he was living with an English woman, as if we were the Antichrist.
She chuckled. ‘Me? No. I’m—’
‘Who is it, Nina?’ Luke said as he padded into view behind me, then: ‘L-Lauren?’
I looked back and forth between them, frozen like two statues, facing each other.
Lauren? As in ex-wife Lauren? How was that even possible? After thirteen years?
‘Mom?’ came Jess’s voice from behind us.
Luke turned to Chloe, all colour drained from his face. ‘Jess – upstairs. Now.’
‘But, Dad—’ Jess said.
‘Now, Jess.’
‘No, Dad. Please. I-I called her.’
Luke turned to stare at her. ‘You what?’
‘Please don’t be upset, Dad. I just wanted to meet her…’
‘It’s my fault, Luke!’ Chloe said. ‘We were on Facebook a while ago, and I suggested looking for her mum so I could at least describe her to Jess – and next thing you know we were writing her a message.’ Chloe left Jess’s side and came to stand straight in front of our visitor. ‘We asked you to wait until we could speak to Luke!’
‘I need to speak to you, Luke,’ Lauren said quietly.
‘Chloe,’ I said, taking her hand in mine and Jess’s in the other. ‘Let’s go upstairs and give them a chance to talk.’ Chloe, slack-jawed for once, nodded and did as she was told. ‘Come on, Jess,’ she whispered and together the three of us ascended the stairs, the weight of the world in our every step. Goodness knew what Luke was feeling right now.
‘Are you angry, too, Mum?’ Chloe wanted to know as the three of us sat down on her bed.
I took a deep, deep breath. ‘I understand why you did it, girls. Truly I do. But you can’t just do something so monumental behind our backs.’
They nodded, crying twin tears.
‘It’s just that Jess has been saying how lucky Ben and I were to have a mother. Jess never told her dad, but she was dying to meet her mum. And it turned out she was holidaying in Paris. Wouldn’t you have asked to see her?’
Would I? Absolutely. But. ‘You understand that you’ve both put him in a very difficult position. He’s been protecting you for years.’
Jess dried her eyes. ‘But, Nina – she seemed really nice. And sorry for what she did. She was only nineteen.’
So was I, when I had Chloe, but I didn’t run at the first difficulty.
‘And then? Go on,’ I said.
‘Well, we didn’t even know if it was the same Lauren O’Hara – we thought she might have changed her surname, but she never did.’
‘And we never really expected her to answer anyway.’
‘But then she did.’
‘And then she kept messaging. She wanted to come and meet me and talk to Dad.’
I ran a hand through my hair. My head was killing me.
‘Will you talk to Dad, Nina?’ Jess pleaded. ‘Will you make sure he doesn’t stay angry with us – or my mother? Please?’
I sighed. This was not good. They had opened a can of worms that would not go away all that easily. I wondered what was happening downstairs. From what I knew about Luke, he was never going to let Lauren anywhere near Jess.
I nodded. ‘I’ll see what I can do. I suggest you two stay out of the way for the rest of the day.’
Chloe nodded, tears filling her eyes as Jess wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. ‘Thank you, Nina,’ she whispered into my ear.
I held her, trying to still the tremors in her little body. But I knew that there was nothing that Luke wouldn’t forgive his daughter. ‘It’ll be okay, Jess. Just give your dad some time, okay?’
Still clinging to me, she nodded fiercely.
I eyed Chloe, who was perched on the edge of the bed, and held out my other arm for her. She gingerly neared me, her eyes studying my face, her own a mask of shame.
‘You don’t hate me, Mum?’ she asked.
‘Chloe, sweetheart – I made you. How could I ever hate you?’ I said as I kissed the side of her face.
‘Then it’s true that my own mum still loves me even if I disappointed her by being blind?’ Jess asked.
I squeezed Jess. ‘Honey – your mother didn’t leave because she was disappointed. She left because she was too young and confused. She just need to do some growing up, is all.’
Chloe wiped her eyes. ‘Well, it took her long enough.’
‘Better late than never, girls. Isn’t that what I always say, Chloe?’
‘Actually, Mum, you always say, “If anything’s worth doing, it has to be done properly.”’
‘Hm – happy you listen from time to time.’
Chloe rolled her eyes, much happier now that she had proof that she was loved unconditionally.
‘So now what happens?’ Jess asked.
‘You wait until your dad’s ready to make a decision. I suggest a couple of long movies,’ I said, giving them a light pat and getting to my
feet to make my own self scarce. Luke would want to speak to Lauren alone, if I knew him at all. ‘I’ll call you when it’s time.’
*
When the front door closed much later, followed by the sharp pinging of the pebbles of gravel hitting the front door, I poked my head into the living room where Luke was standing facing the fireplace.
‘Hey…’ I whispered, and he whirled around.
‘Do you want to be alone?’ I said, stuffing my hands into my jean pockets.
He sighed. ‘Of course not – come here, you…’
He wrapped me up in his embrace, but I could tell that his muscles were still very tense.
‘Do you want to talk…?’ I said.
‘In a minute,’ he said. ‘Just let me hold you for a while.’
‘Okay.’ I drew him closer and kissed his shoulder. ‘People make mistakes—’ I began, but he shook his head.
‘Mistakes that can’t be forgiven, Nina. I will never forgive her for what she did to my baby – not a day didn’t go by that Jessica didn’t wonder why her mother didn’t love her enough to stay.’
‘So don’t you think that maybe now she might honestly have wanted to meet her? To make amends?’
‘I just don’t get it,’ he said, following his own train of thought. ‘Jessica has never said she wanted to meet her mother. Never.’
‘Maybe she never said anything because she didn’t want to upset you. You know she lives for you, Luke.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘But it doesn’t make it any easier.’
‘So what are you going to do?’ I asked.
‘If Lauren had shown up without Jess knowing, I’d have told her to get lost. But Jess wants to get to know her and I—’ He growled raking a hand through his hair, his eyes meeting mine. ‘I can’t bring myself to accept it, Nina.’
‘But you have to. Because when Jess grows up and is free to contact her for herself, she’ll be all the more angry with you for all the time she could have spent with her.’
He raised his head angrily. ‘It wasn’t my choice to separate my daughter from her mother, Nina.’
‘But it is now. How do you think Jess will feel when you, her entire world, deny her the one thing she really wants?’
