by Nancy Barone
‘And what’s that? A flake of a mother?’
I shook my head. ‘No, Luke. The knowledge of a mother. However imperfect, it’s always better than not knowing anything at all.’
He ran his hands over his face and grabbed his jacket from the coat stand.
‘Where – uhm…?’
‘Out for a walk,’ he answered. ‘I need to think.’
*
‘What’s this I hear about Luke’s wife? Is it true she’s in Cornwall?’ Emma asked me over the phone the next day. It was good to hear her voice, at least. I didn’t dare mention my sort of falling-out with Jack. It hurt too much.
‘True it is,’ I answered.
‘I don’t get these people bouncing back – even Phil. What makes him think he even stands a chance after all he did to you? And Clarissa, too. What was she thinking when she left Jack?’
‘I don’t know. But I do know that he’s being a bit cagey lately.’
‘Does he look like he’s in love to you?’ she asked.
‘Some friendship we have here,’ I said, ‘if we can’t even ask one another about our love lives.’
She shrugged, ‘Maybe some things are better left unsaid.’
I knew she was talking about herself again. ‘Em? What’s causing you so much stress? Do you think we wouldn’t approve of your new man? I’m here for you.’
She groaned. ‘I can only hope to be as discreet as you.’
‘Nonsense. But please don’t tell me it’s someone I already know, because I’ll kill you.’
‘Huh? What do you mean?’
‘I mean, that you’d had him under your nose all these years and it’s taken you all this time to realise he was The One?’
‘What about you? How are things with Luke? Are you two getting serious?’
Terrific question. ‘I have no idea, Em.’
‘Well, how do you feel about him?’
I thought about it. ‘The truth? Besides the fact that I’m grateful to him for singling my work out, and the opposite fact that it took quite a while to adjust to each other as writers, as a man, he is actually the breath of fresh air I needed.’
‘Really? That’s fantastic, Nina! But it’s true that you haven’t really dated much at all – what makes you think, besides being Luke O’Hara, that you and he will be happy together?’
‘Whoa, Em. I don’t know how long this is going to last. That’s why I’m not letting the kids in on it.’
‘You mean they don’t know?’
‘All they know is that we’re working together. Although I suspect Chloe is onto us.’
‘If things were to get serious, how do you think they’d react? Do they like him enough?’
I smiled although she couldn’t see me. ‘Oh, Em – they adore him. And Jess.’
‘And you, Nina? Do you adore him, too?’
I thought about it. His easy-going attitude, the way he waggled his eyebrows to get his way or when he said something flirty. The sheer love he harboured for his daughter. ‘Yes, Em – I adore him, too. Although I doubt it’s the same for him. Not completely, at least.’
She was quiet, thinking. ‘And what about his ex-wife? Is there any chance she’s come to rain on your parade?’
I hadn’t thought of that. How stupid of me. Of course she’d want him back.
‘You’d better stake your claim, Nina. You don’t want her stepping in and ruining everything.’
‘Em, let’s take it easy. I don’t even know where this is going, if it’s going anywhere at all. So I just want to sit back and enjoy it for once.’
‘I hope you’re right, Nina, and that this woman is no threat to you. Stars can be so fickle.’
When I was silent, she cleared her throat. ‘Forget what I said. We really should learn to enjoy and take like one day at a time without worrying ourselves sick about what may happen tomorrow. Carpe Diem and all that.’
Carpe Diem. ‘You’re absolutely right, Em.’
‘Good girl. You enjoy. How’s the sex by the way?’
I gushed. ‘Pretty amazing, actually.’
‘Yay!’ she cheered, and I could hear her clapping her hands.
‘And you, Em? Are you ready to tell me about you yet?’
‘Uhm, not quite yet. But I will. I promise. Even if you’ll think less of me.’
‘Oh, Em, you know I could never do that,’ I assured her. But if I was waiting for her to open up and tell me all as she used to in the old days, juicy details that made me blush included, I was going to have a long wait. And again that same sadness pervaded me. I was losing Emma as well. The three singles of Meadowbank Lane simply were no longer.
When I got home from grocery shopping later that day, I realised I’d forgotten the bread for my crostini.
‘Do you want me to go get it?’ Luke volunteered, but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it. He still hadn’t made a decision about Jess.
‘Better not. Alf would probably take a swing at you.’ At the look on his face, I burst out laughing. ‘I’m kidding. I’ll be right back.’
‘Okay, then, don’t be long. Take my keys.’
‘No, that’s okay, I’m going to take Lottie out. It’s been a while.’
‘Lottie?’
Jack knew Lottie very well. ‘My car. It’s just… an old joke. I’ll see you later.’
And with that, I swung out the door and straight to my car that started on the first try. Jack had taught her well, I thought with a tiny pang of longing and regret.
At the shop, I parked and went in.
‘All right, pet?’ Deirdre said as she was sorting some postcards on one of the racks by the till.
‘Just forgot something,’ I called as I headed for the bread shelves.
And, of course you can guess what happened next, but how was I supposed to know? I only went back to buy bread. There he was, undecided as usual between the whole wheat and the granary, Jack Marrak in the flesh. His hair was longer, and his handsome lean face was covered in dark stubble, but besides that, he looked pretty much the same in his The Smiths T-shirt.
I gasped, unable to help myself, and he turned around and did a double take.
‘Nina…’ he breathed, our eyes locking the same way they had in Marazion.
I gushed with happiness and it was all I could do to keep from throwing myself at him. ‘Jack…’ I whispered. ‘How’ve… you been?’
He studied me, and I hoped he didn’t find me too different from his old bosom buddy.
‘I’m all right,’ he whispered back, his eyes never leaving mine. He was so close I could smell his familiar soap, and memories of all our good times flooded back to me, overwhelming me in an instant
‘You… you look pale,’ he said.
My hands went to my face. ‘Do I? I’m all right, just tired, really.’
He continued to study me, and I wanted to say something – anything – but was afraid to ruin the moment.
‘How are the kids?’ he asked, his large hands still wrapped around the bag of sliced bread.
And what about me, I wanted to ask, but didn’t dare.
‘Oh, same old, same old.’
‘And Minnie and Callie?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Always the attention-seekers.’
He chuckled, and his long lashes fanned his cheeks.
‘They miss you, too, Jack.’ And I miss you. Desperately, I wanted to add, but it stuck in my throat. I miss the laughs and the jokes and feeling safe with you nearby, knowing you were a holler away, day or night. And now, you’re not my friend anymore, at least not how we used to be, and you very probably are becoming serious with your mysterious girl and I…
He caressed his chin as he always did when he was embarrassed. ‘I, uhm, have to run, Nina. Take care of yourself.’
‘You too, Jack,’ I answered. And then, because fortune favours the brave, I bit the bullet. Just like that. If you don’t ask…
‘Would you… come over for dinner, or a coff—?’ I began, but he had already
moved back up the aisle, out of my reach, and halted only briefly, a look of sadness in his eyes as he turned away to pay at the till.
I rounded the shelf, out of sight, and tried to compose myself. This was ridiculous. So we’d had a misunderstanding. We’d be friends again one day. Also because in Penworth Ford, there was no one else to talk to.
Outside, I opened the door and sat in my car, waiting for Jack to drive off, as I didn’t want to appear to be following him.
When his SUV took off I turned on the ignition. But of course, the car didn’t bloody start. I looked up, watching with a sinking heart as Jack’s tail lights disappeared in the distance. In the old days, he’d have waited for me to catch up, or let me go first, as the gentleman that he was. I debated whether to call him on my mobile for help as he was only a minute ahead of me. He knew Lottie better than any mechanic. But then I realised I’d have to explain to Luke why I had called Jack and not him, so, slumped in my seat, I watched him disappear and, unable to control myself, bawled my eyes out.
‘I was about to come and get you,’ Luke said when I got in an hour later after finally getting the car started and driving around the village ten times, too red-eyed to be seen by Luke. ‘What happened, did you bake the bread yourself?’
I turned from the door. ‘Oh. I… had to call the garage.’
‘I don’t know why you don’t scrap that piece of junk and get yourself a new one,’ he said.
A new car? I didn’t even have the will to snort inwardly. I could barely afford to get this one even looked at. Luke was completely oblivious to my situation, despite the fact that I’d told him the script was what would save me financially. And here he was, dragging his heels. Just like Phil was dragging the divorce. I was sick and tired of depending on a man to get my own life into gear. First Phil, and then Luke. Only Jack had never left me hanging. He had always been there when I needed him. Except for now, when I needed him most.
‘Nina?’
‘Yes?’
‘Where’s the bread?’
I stared at him, and for the second time in an hour, I burst into tears.
He drew me into his arms. ‘Nina, baby, it’s okay. I know what’s worrying you. You think I’m going to get pulled in by Lauren’s charms now that she’s moving back to LA. Well, let me make this clear right here and now. You won’t lose me, sweets. I love you.’
At that, I began to howl. I had a man like Luke who loved me. And I loved him back. So what the hell was wrong with me?
32
Revenge
‘Nina?’ Luke called up the stairs the next day. ‘I have got some business to tend to in Exeter. I’ll be back late tonight, will you be okay with Jessica?’
I poked my head over the banister. ‘Oh? Okay. I didn’t know…’
‘Neither did I, but he’s a producer I’ve always wanted to work with.’
‘Okay. Any special instructions regarding Jess?’
He looked up as he put on his jacket, tossing his keys from one hand to the other. ‘Just don’t let you know who anywhere near her in case she comes back. I trust you completely. I’m sorry but I have to do this. I’ll let you know how it goes, okay?’
‘Okay, good luck, then!’ I called, but he was already out the door. No doubt about it, when Hollywood called, Hollywood got an answer. And a quick one at that.
Luckily I had planned a nice afternoon with the kids blind-building with Ben’s Lego set. We would all choose something to build like a house, or a tower, and then, blindfolded, we would have to assemble it. I already knew that Jessica was going to win this one, and giving her a head start filled me with joy. Besides, it was a rainy day and I didn’t fancy traipsing along the coastal path in my Mac and wellies.
As we were finishing up, the crunch of gravel made me turn to the front window. It couldn’t possibly be Luke so soon, also because he usually parked where I could see his car. Could it possibly be… Jack?
I got up, my heart in my throat, as I opened the door.
‘Are you alone? I need to talk to you.’
I sagged in disappointment. The last person I needed to see. Lauren. I thought she’d left England.
‘Luke’s out,’ I managed.
‘All the better. Have you got a moment?’
I pulled the door shut behind me, not wanting the kids to hear.
She smiled. ‘I would do the same – don’t feel bad.’
‘Look, Lauren – I know why you’re here, but I don’t have any influence on Luke. And even if I did, I wouldn’t use it. He has to do what he thinks is right for his daughter.’
She nodded, looking down at her feet. ‘She’s my daughter, too, Nina,’ she said, her eyes getting moist.
Please don’t. Oh, please don’t.
I would have invited her in, but more than complying with Luke’s request, I didn’t want to give Jess any false hopes if she saw her mother inside the house. ‘Look, uhm, Lauren. I’m sorry. Really I am.’
‘I was too young. I was only nineteen. You must have had your first around the same age, am I right?’
I nodded. ‘Yes. And it was difficult for me, too.’ Only I never abandoned them.
‘I made a huge mistake,’ she said. ‘Unforgivable. And now I’m paying for it twice.’
She looked up. ‘I can’t have children. Call it karma, or “what goes around comes around”. The fact that I will never ever have another child made me rethink my absence from Jess’s life. For so many years, I battled depression, and thought she was better off without me. Now I know I made a mistake. I should’ve accepted Luke’s love, and his help. But it all just got bigger and bigger until it overwhelmed me and one day I couldn’t even breathe and… I simply left.’
‘Lauren – I understand what you went through, truly I do. But you don’t have to justify yourself to me. Just talk to Luke.’
She studied me. ‘Yes. You’re right.’
‘I’ll tell him you called. Good luck, Lauren.’
‘Thank you. Goodbye.’
I waited for her to get into her car and then quietly closed the door.
*
‘And that’s it?’ Alice said over the phone a while later. ‘You’re not going to talk to him?’
‘Believe me, Alice, I tried, but he just clammed up. I have no power over Luke’s decisions.’
‘Oh, honey, if you only knew. When he first called me, he told me he wanted to meet this wonder of a woman who was so brilliant and who loved her children so much.’
I waved away her words. ‘What woman doesn’t love her children?’
‘Don’t you see, Nina, his wife doesn’t. That’s why he loved your book so much. Because it’s about a woman who puts her children first, rather than herself. And you did it with such wit and warmth. That’s why he loves you. And that’s why we love him. Although your Jack fellow isn’t a fan.’
That was the understatement of the year. ‘How did you know?’
‘I have my sources.’
‘You’re not talking to the Ice Cream trio, are you?’ They were a first-hand source of what was happening in my life, apparently. Shakespeare was right when he said that life was a stage. At least mine was. You couldn’t beat small-village life for private information. Or imagination.
‘You mean those charming old biddies? Yes, of course. They have been keeping an eye on you since you signed up with me years ago.’
‘What?’
‘Good God, Nina, how else am I going to keep watch on you from London? I’m only down once a month because of my dad. You don’t expect me to schlep all the way down to Cornwall every time there’s a crisis. I may be your agent and dear friend, Nina, but I’m a busy woman. I have other authors too, you know?’
‘Ah, but none with a Hollywood deal, correct?’
I could feel her grinning on the other side of the nation. ‘None, my dear duck of the golden eggs. Now hang up and get writing that blockbuster.’
‘Alice?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Thanks so
much for believing in me when no other publisher did, all those years ago when I came to you with three chapters and a synopsis.’
‘And a badly written one at that,’ she said with a giggle. ‘I love you, kid.’
‘I love you too, Alice.’
‘Now go. My other line is ringing. This better not be my Australian author Mary Morris with another tax question again, after I’ve only explained it to her five times.’
Chuckling to myself, I wandered into the conservatory, where I found Jessica lying back in an armchair, soaking up the last rays of sunshine for the day.
‘Are you cold, Jess?’
She opened her eyes and turned her head in my direction. ‘No, I’m fine, thanks, Nina. I was just thinking…’
I sat on the arm of the chair opposite her. ‘Good thoughts, I hope?’
She shrugged. ‘I was thinking about my mother.’
Ah. ‘Sweetie, what she did doesn’t reflect on you. She didn’t even know you when she left, really.’
‘I know. But sometimes… sometimes I wonder what things would be like if she hadn’t left.’
‘It’s normal for you to wonder. But maybe you should tell your dad when he comes back?’
She nodded. ‘I will, eventually. I’m just not sure it’s what I want yet.’
‘Well, when you are, make sure you don’t keep it from him. He deserves to know how you are really feeling inside.’
She smiled. ‘I will, I promise. And you? How’s the script going?’
I smiled. ‘Some days better than others, but yes, it’s going very well.’
‘He’s driving you crazy, I bet. He’s such a perfectionist.’
‘Ye-es…’
‘It’ll be a great movie, Nina,’ she said. ‘I’m sure of it. I’ve listened to all your books. I love your style.’
‘Awh, Jess, thank you.’
She shrugged. ‘Chloe and Ben are lucky to have you as a mother. I guess I was lucky with my father. You can’t have everything, I suppose…’
‘Well, you’re right about that, Jess. Spaghetti for dinner?’
She sat up. ‘Ooh, yes, please!’
‘Want to keep me company while I cook?’
She stood up and reached for my arm. ‘Absolutely. I love being in your house, Nina. It’s so warm and lovely.’
