Impossibly Possible

by Amelia Shea

  “Just not for me?” she whispered.

  He didn’t answer and took a step toward the couch. “I never saw most of them again. I was there, watched what they did, and watched them walk away. I think about them though, every once in a while, I wonder how it changed them.” He glanced at her and widened his eyes. “’Cause it did, everything we do, every opportunity we take or don’t take, every significant moment in our lives, it changes us, who we are. Your mom’s death…it changed you. These families may have done it as revenge or justice, either way, they took another life. It changed them.”

  She felt the strength to move when he turned his back and sat on the couch. No longer under his stare, she drew in a breath and took small steps until she reached the edge of the couch.

  “You don’t want it to change me?”

  He glanced over. “I don’t want it to ruin you. If Taylor hadn’t said anything, you would go on living your life, and by my account, a happy one. You said yourself—you came to terms with the murder a long time ago. Killing her killer won’t bring her back, Kenzie.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. “I know that.” He was right. If Taylor hadn’t said anything, if she hadn’t put it in her head, she would go on as she had.

  “Then why?”

  “Because he killed her, that man altered my life. He took the most important person from me and got away with it. Four years is nothing, and you know it.”

  “But is it worth it, is it worth altering your life again? Is it closure, or is it some kind of guilt because you know the option is there now? Do you think if you were to go through with it you are somehow proving the extent of your love for your mom? I know what Taylor said, but she doesn’t know everything. She’s not thinking down the road. You are going to have to live with that, knowing that you played God. You took another person’s life. Can you live with that?”

  “He killed my mom.”

  He nodded. “Yes, and now you want to avenge her, I get that, trust me, Kenzie, I get it. And he deserves it. I’m not disputing it. I don’t give a fuck what happens to James Harris. But you?” He pointed at her. “I care what happens to you.”

  Tears streamed down her face. “I loved her.”

  “And whether you do this or not, that is something that doesn’t change.”

  “Wouldn’t you do it?”

  His eyes softened. “What I would do or what Taylor would do doesn’t matter. We aren’t the ones that have to live with ourselves when it’s all done. Until you are in that position, I can’t answer it honestly, and neither could Taylor.”

  “But you are a part of it, Bogs.”

  “I’m an outsider looking in, pretty girl.”

  “Have you ever had someone regret doing it?”

  He tightened his lips, and she knew the answer before he spoke. “No.” He moved his hand to the seat next to him. “Come here.”

  She walked slowly sliding down into the seat next to Bogs. She watched his hand clasp hers. “I love you.” She glanced up to see his stare penetrating hers. He cupped her jaw with his free hand. “If you want this, I’ll check it out, see what we can do. Gonna make myself clear, pretty girl, I don’t want you doing this. But I also don’t want you to resent me for standing in your way. If this is the closure you need, I’m not going to keep you from it. This has to be your choice.”

  “What happens to us if I decide to go through with it?”

  His hand tightened on her jaw. “I’m with you. Whatever happens, I got ya. And everything that comes along with it. Nothing changes how I feel about you.”

  She scanned his face—there was hope. She was about to shatter it. She nodded. “I want to do it.”

  He pulled her into his chest and fell back against the couch. She didn’t know how long they lay in silence, but the images passing through her head had her mind racing. Maybe she spoke too soon. Maybe he was right about feeling guilted into doing it.

  Sometime later, Bogs suggested they go to his place. They packed up their stuff and drove over to his condo mostly in silence. She was waiting for him to talk her out of it or to back out on his own. He did neither. Once they were settled in bed, Bogs pulled her back into his chest, and they fell asleep.

  »»•««

  Bogs had been up since two a.m. He waited for Kenzie to fall asleep before leaving the bed. It took her awhile, but she eventually succumbed to the long day. Now his was about to start. He spent the first hour pulling up everything he could find, legally and then illegally, hacking into systems. He needed to get everything he could on James Harris.

  For the most part, he’d continued to be a burden on society since being paroled eight years ago. He followed up with his parole officer but had gotten numerous tickets, a few pick-ups for soliciting a prostitute who turned out to be an undercover officer. He’d been cited twice for weed but not enough to get him thrown back in jail. There was no denying it. He wasn’t contributing much to society. He was being investigated on a recent robbery but nothing firm enough to hold him.

  He sat back in his chair rolling over an idea in his head. He had concocted the plan an hour ago and figured out the details. It seemed overly elaborate but necessary. A few scenarios ran through his head. Mainly, he was going to have to lie to Kenzie. There was no other way. He had to wait until at least six a.m. before making the call to Trent. Surprisingly, he answered on the second ring.

  “Yeah.” He clearly just woke up.

  “I need a favor.”

  “What do ya need?” A muffled voice in the background sounded, but Bogs couldn’t make out who it was or what was said.

  “Are you alone?” As far as Bogs knew, they were staying at the cabin until Trent met up with Dante, which would mean there was only one woman it could be.

  Trent sighed, and Bogs could hear shuffling and the distant female moan. “Give me a second.”

  Son of a bitch!

  “Is that who I think it is?” he asked harshly. Taylor was high on his shit list after the stunt she pulled last night with Kenzie and outing them.

  “Is this your favor, wanting to know who’s in my bed?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Trent? After what that bitch pulled last night?”

  “Let me break it down for you, and bear with me ’cause the sun’s still not out. Taylor, which is her name, and unless you call her by it, this conversation is over, knows she screwed up. After making it clear the magnitude of the shit storm she caused, she feels bad for what went down.” Trent paused, lowing his voice. “Look, Kenzie means a lot to her. Even you know that. She didn’t get what she was doing yesterday, she gets it now. She tried taking my phone three times to call Kenzie. When you give the go-ahead, she’ll be wanting to make the call. She fucked up, Bogs.”

  Bogs was rendered speechless. Not twenty-four hours ago, Trent was ready to kill her, and now he had her back? What the fuck?

  Bogs snorted. “You do know she’ll probably slice your balls off while you sleep if you ever fuck her over, right? You are a brave man, Trent.”

  He ignored Bogs’ comment. “The favor?”

  “Yeah, this is what I need from you guys.” He laid out his plan for Trent. It was a little risky, and he’d yet come up with a plan B, but if they were on board, along with his brothers, it would work. He didn’t doubt T and Stone would be willing to do whatever was necessary.

  “And I’m still working on Plan B if it doesn’t go the way I think it will.”

  Trent sighed. “Yeah, I mean, we’ll do whatever you need us to, but I gotta ask, why not just tell her no? This seems awfully elaborate. Tell her no, and it ends.”

  “Does it end? Look, you don’t know her, man, but I do. I don’t know how much Taylor has told you about it but before last night, the thoughts running through her head now were non-existent. She wasn’t looking for revenge or finding Harris. Then Taylor outs us and puts the idea in her head. It was Taylor demanding we help her, not Kenzie. If I had to guess, had Taylor not pushed so hard, it wouldn’t have even been a
thought for Kenzie when I finally laid it out for her. You saw her, Trent. Kenzie was scared. If I tell her no, then I’m making the decision for her. She’ll always wonder what she would have done. And right now, her head’s in a place that only she can get out of. She’s questioning her own loyalty to her mother.”

  “And what if she goes through with it?”

  “She won’t.”

  “Bogs…”

  “Trent, I know her. She won’t because deep down she doesn’t want to. We give the families the option, Kenzie feels as though she doesn’t have one.”

  “What do you need?”

  “Just need you to be there, in the room. Declan, too. Tonight.”

  “Yeah, I’ll get Kellen up here to stay with Taylor.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  He could hear a soft murmur in the background. Trent must have covered the receiver making it hard to understand. He heard the faint sound of a plea before Trent got back on the phone and sighed. “Taylor wants to talk to you.”

  Bogs sat back in his chair. Trent may have forgiven her, but Bogs had not. Her comment about Kenzie being good enough to bang but not help still lingered in his mind. This fucking girl knew nothing about him and Kenzie.

  “I’d consider it a favor,” Trent said when he didn’t answer.

  “Fuck.” How could he say no now? “If she pisses me off, I’m hanging up.”

  “Fair enough.” Trent voice trailed. “Don’t piss him off.”

  Highly doubtful. Her existence alone pissed him off. How Kenzie put up with Taylor was beyond him.

  “Hi.”

  “What?” Bogs was usually cordial to everyone, but this woman deserved nothing from him, and he wasn’t giving anything.

  “Just don’t hang up, please.”

  “Taylor, just say whatever it is you gotta say.”

  “Okay, look, Bogs, I was…um, how do I say it?”

  “An asshole?”

  “I deserve that. So, yeah, I was an asshole, but seriously, it was coming from a good place.” She inhaled as if trying to calm herself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about anything when I told her, I was just thinking you could help her, and when you wouldn’t, I just lost it. I love Kenzie.” Bogs could hear the onset of a stifled cry. She trembled on the last words. “If I could just talk to her…”

  “No.”

  “I did this, just let me undo it.”

  “You can’t.”

  “But I’m sorry,” she cried.

  “I know you are, Taylor, and I get why you did it, I do. But where she’s at now, it has to be her choice. I don’t want her to go through with it, but it’s not my place to stop her, and it’s not yours. That’s on her.”

  The line was silent, but he could hear her muffled cries. He considered hanging up until he heard Trent’s voice.

  “Thanks. And uh…let me handle Plan B.”

  “Whatcha got in mind?”

  “Nothing I can say over the phone, but I’ll handle it. You worry about Plan A, and I’ll cover the rest. See you tonight.” He hung up before Bogs could push further to hear what Trent was thinking.

  He texted his brothers to come over. His conversation would be full disclosure, and he didn’t want to do it over the phone. He recapped for Trent, which was risky, but left out the detailed version. He needed T and Stone to have that and not over the phone. He heard back from them an hour later. They were on their way. He just needed Kenzie to stay asleep for the next hour at least.

  »»•««

  She stayed in bed long after she woke.

  So much to think about and she needed the quiet. This was like a thousand-pound weight she was struggling to hold together. She said yes. She lied—she couldn’t do this. Kill someone? The thought had her stomach churning.

  She made her way downstairs to the kitchen following the muffled voices. Yesterday had been a complete shit show and emotional rollercoaster. She knew she looked like death with her puffy eyes and smeared makeup caked on her face. She rounded the corner stopping in the doorway. T and Stone were leaning against the counter while Bogs sat in one of the chairs. The room immediately drowned in silence.

  “Hey,” Bogs said with a small smile, lifting his chin.

  “Morning.” She drew in a breath, not looking over at his brothers. She could feel their stares sending a chill over her skin.

  “So, tonight?” T asked, and she whipped her head up. He was talking to Bogs, who nodded.

  “Yeah, already talked to Trent. He and Dec will pick him up, and we’ll meet up around seven. You guys ride up with us.”

  “What?”

  Bogs turned to her. “Did what I promised, pretty girl. Got James Harris’s location. Trent will pick him up. We got a spot we’ve used before. He knows where to meet us.”

  “No, you said you’d look into him, see what you could do.”

  “I did, last night into this morning. Got everything I need. We’ll do it tonight.”

  Stone pushed off the counter and walked to the door followed by T and waved bye. She didn’t look them in the eye but looked over her shoulder as they passed. This was happening too fast.

  “You change your mind?”

  She jerked back to Bogs, who had gotten up from the table and was approaching her. “You can always change your mind, pretty girl. But this is a one-time offer. You change your mind. Don’t wanna go through with it, that’s fine, but then it’s over. We don’t talk about it again. Can’t have this chasing us for the rest of our lives, ya know?”

  She knew exactly what he meant. Either this would happen or it wouldn’t. I can’t do this. She stared up at Bogs, noticing him search her face with a slight inkling of hope. He would do it, but he didn’t want to. Think about your mom. Look at his face and think about your mom, you marry Bogs, she won’t be there. You have his babies. She’ll never hold them, they’ll never know her.

  Her eyes welled, and she shook her head. “I didn’t change my mind.” The corner of his mouth dropped, but he nodded.

  “Okay,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her and she clung deep into his chest. “I got some stuff to do so we’ll hang here until we leave.” He kissed her head and pulled back. “You sure?”

  She nodded not trusting herself to answer. She wasn’t sure, not even close. He had to run out for something, leaving her alone in the condo.

  She stared at the TV, same as she had done for the last hour. She had no idea what the characters were saying, she was clueless to the plot, or if one even existed. She might as well have been looking at a blank screen.

  She checked her phone every few minutes. The day was dragging yet flying by in an odd way.

  It was her decision, one she had to make on her own. Bogs stood strong to what he said, never once trying to sway her in one direction or another. There was a small part of her that resented him for it. Why couldn’t this be an easy choice? When Taylor had spilled about the possibility she was so set on it. It was an impulse without thought.

  She did the one thing she swore she wouldn’t. She picked up her phone.

  The phone rang twice before the graveled voice answered. “You okay. What’s wrong?”

  She chuckled, sinking into the couch and resting her feet on the couch and her knees to her chest. “Nothing’s wrong. Can’t a girl just call her dad?”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, of course, my girl can call anytime. You don’t call enough or visit.”

  She smiled. “I know I’m due for a visit.”

  “We miss you, kid.”

  “Yeah.” Until he said it, she didn’t realize how much she was missing them. “How’s it going?”

  “Same day, different story.” He laughed and went on about work. He’d been promoted a few years back to manager of his department. With it came stories beyond compare. He gave her the stories usually preceded by “Don’t do this if you wanna keep your job” speeches. She heard him speak, but she wasn’t listening. This decision was weighing heavily on her. This would be for him, too. She
had lost her mom that day, and her dad had lost his world. All the plans they had were stolen from him. He put up a good front but he never truly recovered or moved on after her death.

  “And your brother just got accepted into UT.”

  She clapped her hands and bounced a little on the couch. For the first time all day, she felt happy. “I knew he would. Where is he? I wanna say congrats.”

  “Where do ya think?”

  She giggled. “On a date?”

  “Where else? I swear that boy’s got ’em lined up with a waiting list.” Her dad chuckled then the line went silent. “What’s going on, kid?”

  She rested her head back on the couch and smiled. “Been thinking about Mom. I miss her.”

  “Me too.” He paused. “She would have been so proud of you just like your old man.” He was constantly reminding them after her death how proud she’d be or that she was watching over them. Every event that happened and every moment when she missed her the most, her dad made a point of telling her and her brother, “you can’t see her, but she’s here.”

  “You ever wonder what happened to James Harris, Dad?”

  “Hey sweetheart, come home. Take some days off and come see us.”

  “I’m okay, Dad, I promise. I’ve just been thinking about him, wondering if he’s still alive.”

  Her dad whispered. “By the grace of God, I hope not.”

  “So, you hope he’s dead?” She was grasping for any signs that she was doing the right thing.

  “No, oh, I don’t know, Mackenzie. People like Harris have to answer for what they’ve done, and he will. But spending your time thinking of him isn’t going to change that. God sees true redemption.”

  “He doesn’t deserve to live,” she whispered.

  “That’s not our choice to make.”

  “But what if it was?”

  “It’s not.” He sighed. “That man held so much power over this family for so long. He forced us to hold onto our past, struggle to keep our memories because there wouldn’t be any new ones. When he took your mom from us, the present was unbearable for all of us. I remember begging God to get us through it. During the trial, he became an uninvited guest in our lives. Then I let go, we all did. He’s already taken so much. Don’t give him your future, Mackenzie.”