The Monsters in Your Neighborhood

by Jesse Petersen

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  My thanks to Adam Wilson for always laughing at my jokes.

  And to Michael for helping me come up with them.

  1

  If only the Blob hadn’t died, Natalie never would have been in this position.

  Which sounded like a ridiculous statement if it was said out loud. And that was why she wouldn’t. Ever.

  But ridiculous or not, it was true. Because Bob the Blob (yes, the giant hunk of a man that that term conjures up images of) had died six months ago, now Natalie Gray was in charge of the support group for monsters that met twice a week in the basement of the Holy Heart Church on East 125th Street in New York City.

  She shook her head as she looked out over the small group of men and women before her. Kind of men and women. Things was more like it, though they masqueraded as human. They certainly were as annoying as any human. Case in point . . .

  One of the women in the circle got to her feet and smiled nervously. “Hello, my name is Linda, and I’m a Swamp Dweller. It’s been fifty-seven years since my identity was last uncovered.” Her smile fell. “Unless you count that thing six months ago with that awful Van Helsing woman. Which I don’t.”

  She collapsed back into her chair and folded her arms with a shiver like she’d been the only one to go through “that thing,” like she was the only one with problems in their group.

  Natalie sighed. Since their group was attacked and several of their members were killed six months ago, she had grown closer to all the monsters . . . a lot closer with some of them. Now when she looked at them, she saw their strengths, their weaknesses, the moments that bound them all together.

  Except for Linda. Fish Sticks, as Natalie’s boyfriend, Alec, occasionally called the Swamp Dweller, was so whiny. It was hard to see her as anything but an irritant.

  Still, even with nights like tonight, Natalie could admit that in the past month or so, Linda had actually gotten a bit better. The makeup that covered her green scales was of higher quality. Her clothes were cuter. She even had increased confidence.

  So maybe she’d figure things out eventually and become bearable. Maybe.

  “Hello, Linda,” the group droned.

  Natalie nodded to the next person in their circle. “Pat, why don’t you go next?”

  The newest member of their group rose to his feet. He pushed at the tentacles that blocked his mouth and spoke in a deep, low tone that would put Darth Vader to shame.

  “Good evening,” he intoned with great gravitas that seemed to bring something important to the room. “My name is Patrick. I am what Lovecraft called a Cthulhu, although my people have never adopted that silly, hard-to-pronounce name.”

  “What do you call yourselves?” Natalie asked.

  She had learned from the group notes Blob had left behind that it was best to respect what a monster liked to be called. She got that. Nothing annoyed her more than being called a Frankenstein. That was the damned doctor, not the monster.

  “Actually, our word for our species is not something that can be pronounced by human vocal cords. It is really not worth trying to say it, as it may burst some eardrums.” Patrick nodded toward her, and if the crinkles around his dark eyes were any indication, he was smiling.

  “Well, we wouldn’t want that,” Natalie said with a light laugh. “I’m not sure we could explain the bleeding and crying to the church.”

  Patrick nodded. “Indeed. That would be quite awkward. Thank you for asking, though. As to the second part of the introductions, up until a few weeks ago, I did not leave the sewers, so I have not been discovered for decades. Drake has been encouraging me to join your group for a very long time, and so I decided to take the chance.”

  “We’re glad you did,” Natalie assured him. “I realize the trip aboveground is difficult for you.”

  She said she realized it, but understanding it was something different. Unlike the others, Patrick had to fully cover himself in heavy robes to sneak into the basement of the church. Here with his fellow monsters, he had disrobed, and his dark gray wings, swirled with touches of vibrant reds and regal purples, folded against his back like a fallen angel’s, but they couldn’t really be hidden under normal clothing. And he had no way to mask the massive, thick tentacles that covered the lower half of his face.

  He could not walk in the world of humans and still avoid being seen. So he had to cower, only revealing himself at night for the occasional peek at the outside world.

  It was sad to Natalie, really. Too bad she didn’t know anyone to set him up with. Matchmaking had kind of been on her mind lately.

  “Aren’t you worshipped like a god?” came another voice from the circle.

  Natalie shot a glare at Alec. The Wolf Man of their group (and her boyfriend of six months, and the reason for her new matchmaking tendencies) tilted his head and stared at Patrick with interest.

  Patrick nodded. “Yes. That part of the mythology created by my stories is true, indeed.”

  “And your name is Patrick,” Alec mused with a cocky grin. “Is it All Hail Patrick, then?”

  Natalie was ready to smack him with a rolled-up newspaper and call him a very bad dog, but Patrick’s deep, rumbling laughter kept her from doing so. He leaned back in his chair and shook his head, sending his tentacles swaying gently around his face.

  “I do not think that would be very powerful, would it? But my human name is easier to pronounce. I do not think you even have the syllables in English to attempt the original. Perhaps, when I know you better, I shall whisper it to you for when you wish to worship.”

  Alec grinned first at Patrick, then at her. “I like this one, Nat. He’s a keeper.”

  “And you are an idiot.” Natalie sighed. “So introduce yourself and get it over with.”

  “Alec, Wolf Man. And I do count that Van Helsing mess six months ago as my last ‘outing.’ ” When Natalie stared at him, he shrugged. “That’s it, babe, nothing else to say.”

  Alec was right in the middle of his full-moon cycle. He was always more ridiculous and lighthearted when “that time of the month” was so far away. Seriously, it was like living with a woman who had the weirdest form of PMS. Except there was the constant shaving. And he was super-hot.

  “Next, then,” she said with a final withering stare for her boyfriend.

  “I am Drake, Dracula,” the next in the circle, an older man in a cape, said.

  “And I’m Kai the mummy,” said the woman who stood outside the circle smoking a cigarette, even though she wasn’t supposed to be. She waved a hand. “We know the drill, Natalie, God. Let’s just get to the next part.”

  Natalie closed her eyes with a barely suppressed growl. This was why she hated running the meetings. This bullshit.

  “Does anyone have any issues they need to discuss?” she asked with a glance around the room. She already knew the answer, but the longer they put off the inevitable, the better. She didn’t exactly feel equipped for it at present.

  Linda took a deep breath and Natalie stifled a groan. Although there was much more going on, she was pretty sure Linda was about to gift them with more cat talk.

  “I have a—” Linda began.

  Kai moved forward and cut her off with a curt, “Oh, no one cares. I have something to discuss.”

  Natalie blinked. She should have
scolded Kai for being rude, but she was too taken aback.

  “You?” She had been coming to group for years and Kai had never brought up an issue without having it forced from her. The girl did not show weakness. “What do you want to talk about?”

  As if on cue, the door to the basement room flew open. Everyone in the circle scrambled, especially Pat, to make sure they didn’t look like what they truly were. But one glance at the figure who had intruded upon their circle told Natalie they didn’t have to pretend. The man who stood there was all too familiar to them.

  “Kai wants to talk about me,” the man said, straightening his expensive jacket as he looked out over the group with nothing but scorn.

  “Hello, Rehu,” Natalie said on the barest of breaths in the hopes that she could control her emotions when she looked at him. “Long time, no see.”

  Rehu was another mummy. The mummy, if you wanted to get technical about it. He was also Kai’s super-longtime off-and-on boyfriend (think thousands of years of Facebook status changes) and a former member of their group. Former because he was . . . well . . . he had issues their circle had never been able to address.

  Slowly, Alec got up, and from the corner of her eye Natalie could see he was in a defensive stance. Drake hissed and his one fang extended (he’d lost the other one because he didn’t floss, or feed, or something, enough). Linda cowered. Poor Pat had no idea what was going on and just stared at all of them like he thought maybe he should have stayed in the sewers and away from the real freaks.

  And then there was Kai. She remained exactly where she had been when she introduced this “topic” to the floor, staring at Rehu like she half wanted to hit him, half wanted to shimmy out of her pantsuit and have at it with him right then and there.

  A disturbing thought, when Natalie took into account all the bandages both the mummies wore beneath their clothes in a desperate attempt to stay moisturized. Mummy beauty regimes were a bit . . . exotic. No . . . weird. She could only imagine that sex wouldn’t be normal, either.

  “Oh, everyone calm down,” Rehu said as he stepped inside without being invited and slammed the door behind him. “We all know you have bigger problems than I could ever present.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Alec murmured. “At the moment, you’re the only problem I see.”

  Kai arched a fine eyebrow. “Really? You consider Rehu to be a larger menace than Hyde? Bigger than the current problems with the Van Helsings?”

  Alec hesitated, and then his body relaxed. “Okay, yeah, I suppose. Though those problems have been going on for months, so why did you come back now, Bandage Boy?”

  Rehu shrugged one shoulder. “Until now your problems didn’t affect me.”

  Natalie straightened up as fear sliced through her with a cold, sharp blade. “What do you mean? How do they affect you now? What happened?”

  Rehu pursed his lips and withdrew a folded sheet of paper from his breast pocket. Natalie hesitated as he held it toward her, but finally took it. She didn’t need to unfold it. She had one just like it in her purse. Actually she had hers and Alec’s, since he never carried anything for himself anymore. And she knew Drake had one. And Linda. And Kai. It was the topic they’d been avoiding all night.

  Still, she carefully unfolded the thick, creamy paper to reveal the embossed VH on the top of the sheet. Followed by a short but powerful message:

  War.

  2

  Natalie watched as the rest of their group, with the exception of Pat, placed their identical messages in the center of the circle. All contained the same one-word threat. All had been written in the same hand. With the ornate and old-fashioned look, she guessed all the notes had been written by old man Van Helsing himself. She shivered as she pictured him, wizened and bitter in his wheelchair, nursing a generations-old hatred for anything monstrous.

  Natalie nodded as she looked at the pile. “Well, we all got one. I guess that’s official. Though I do wonder at the reasons.”

  Kai stared at her like she was an idiot. “Really? Do you not remember what happened just a few months ago?”

  Natalie flinched. Sometimes she couldn’t forget it.

  “Of course I remember,” she bit out on a harsh breath. “I threw Georgia Winslow . . . Georgia Van Helsing by marriage . . . out of a fifth-story window. Because she came after us, because she believed one of us had killed her husband, who was a grandson of the Van Helsing family. But that’s my point—all these things happened six months ago or more. After Georgia, they sent us a message saying ‘prepare for war,’ and then nothing happened. So why would they declare it again now? Why not make their move immediately after Georgia’s death, or just not warn us?”

  Drake got to his feet and began to pace the room, his cape flapping like mad around his legs.

  “Once the Van Helsings were a force to be reckoned with,” he began. “A giant family with many divisions in their war against monsters. But over time, their numbers have dwindled, their influence shrunken like a raisin in the sun. I suppose they needed to convene a council before they decided to officially declare war.”

  “And with their numbers spread out all over the place, most of them far removed from monster-slaying,” Alec said with a grim fold of his arms, “it took them a while to reach a consensus?”

  “Something like that,” Drake grumbled. “I suppose we should be grateful they did not do like in the old days.”

  “Torches and mobs?” Natalie said with a shudder.

  Drake nodded once. “Or bombings could be the modern equivalent.”

  “Or ninjas?” Linda added helpfully. The entire room paused and looked at her. She shrugged. “Sorry. Just wanted to be a part of the conversation.”

  “But why didn’t they threaten Pat?” Natalie asked with a glance for the Cthulhu. “No offense, Pat, not that I want anyone to kill you.”

  Pat shook his head and his tentacles danced around his face like a hula skirt. “None taken. I have an answer for your query, however. It may be because the Van Helsings believe they have wiped my kind off the earth.”

  “Ouch,” Natalie murmured.

  She knew a little about that. After all, she was the last Frankenstein monster. That she knew of. Dad had never been that great about introducing the kids, so they weren’t exactly the Brady Bunch.

  “I don’t know why we need to rehash the whys about how we got into this mess,” Rehu said with a dismissive stare that encompassed everyone in the room except for Kai. “Don’t we really need to discuss what to do about it?”

  Natalie pursed her lips. “Back for five minutes and you’re running the meeting, huh?”

  “Am I wrong?” he asked, meeting her gaze for the first time.

  She shrugged. He was irritating as hell, but he did have a point. Action was much better than rambling on aimlessly about stuff. “Maybe not. Ideas?”

  “Hide,” Linda suggested. She turned to Pat. “Got any room in your sewers?”

  “We can’t hide,” Natalie said with a sigh. “We already decided that months ago.”

  Linda shook her head, her lips pursing in a rather fishlike fashion. “Why, though? Remind me why I shouldn’t hide when someone is threatening me!”

  “Because the moment we hide, we leave everything we’ve built here,” Natalie said, shooting a glance at Alec. “And I think we’re all tired of running away.”

  “So what do you suggest?” Drake asked, his tone carefully neutral so she couldn’t tell yet what his thoughts were. As the one with the longest history with the Van Helsings, he often had the most drawn-out arguments about them.

  “We’ve been in this war before, with this enemy,” she said. “Sometimes publicly, sometimes not. This time we go guerrilla-style. We can’t exactly start battling in Times Square, after all.”

  Alec grinned. “In Times Square, the humans would be taking pictures with us, or totally ignoring us. They’d probably think it was some show advertisement.”

  “Could we sell tickets for that?
” Natalie laughed. “I mean, I could use some new shoes.”

  Kai rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay. Enough. You’re right, though. If we’re going to accept this declaration of war, it is going to be one of underground tactics. Can everyone do their homework tonight and when we next meet have some ideas on how to approach a war we can’t fight?”

  There were grumbles and groans, but also nods.

  “Then that’s all the time we have tonight,” Natalie said with a quick glance at the clock. They needed to be out before the Breakup Broads arrived for their meeting.

  Pat gave a wave and pulled on a long, heavy, and rather ancient-looking robe. When he lifted the hood over his head it mostly hid his tentacles, and his wings were little more than a faint outline. Natalie supposed he was hidden enough that he could get to the sewer grate around the back of the church. Drake left next, with Linda at his side jabbering about something Natalie didn’t even want to ask about.

  Which left the odd foursome of Natalie, Alec, Kai, and Rehu.

  “So you two are back together, huh?” Alec asked, subtle as always. Still, Natalie was interested in the answer to his highly inappropriate question herself, so she wasn’t about to cut him off.

  Rehu shot a side glance toward Kai, but she pointedly ignored him.

  “Why, are you asking us to a couples dinner or something?” she snapped.

  Alec stepped up beside Natalie and she felt him rest his hand on the small of her back. Now, she knew perfectly well that he was trying to say, Seriously, do not set up a double date with these people, but Kai’s snotty expression and Rehu’s obvious belief that she was an idiot rankled Natalie. And so she rose to the challenge.

  “Yeah, we should totally do that,” she said, ignoring Alec’s nails now biting into her back. Stupid dog claws; he needed a trim again. “I don’t have work on Friday night and Alec doesn’t have class. Why don’t we meet at our place? I’ll cook.”

  Kai blinked and looked utterly confused, which was almost worth the fact that Natalie had just set up a double date with the mummy twins. Almost.