Shattered by Shadows: The Innocence Cycle, Book 1

by J D Abbas

  “Since Elena has been in Kelach, Anakh and her eidola have been unable to access her,” Celdorn said. “For all her bluster and threats, she hasn’t come near her. What changed?”

  Elbrion pondered the question. “It seems to me Elena has been under our protection. The Jhadhela is strong among us, stronger than Anakh thought possible. But when Elena, in her panic, sought to break free of us, she also broke free of the shield of our love and the protection it provides and was therefore vulnerable to their attack through the access point of this potent memory.”

  Elena gawked at Elbrion, a series of shudders running through her at his words.

  “Then we need to strengthen that shield,” Celdorn said. He cradled Elena’s face in his damaged hands. “Little one, we came here to offer our lives to you as family, to offer you a new life together with us.”

  She longed to move toward Celdorn, but her body jerked, as if yanked by a leash. The room tilted and her voice came out a choked whisper. “You don’t know who or what I am. You’re seeing only what you want to see. You don’t see me.” Elena felt herself drifting. “I’m the thing no one wants.” She pulled away from Celdorn’s hands, and her voice grew more dejected with each word. “I belong on the midden, not in your heart. No one wants me. You can’t want this...this ugliness that’s in here.” She thumped her chest. “I can’t be that person you want. I’m dung, refuse. I don’t belong here. Look what I’ve done to you already.” Elena felt empty, her voice hollow as she recited her failures, surprised to hear the depth of her own despair.

  Celdorn stared at her in disbelief. Tears formed in his eyes as he reached for her face again.

  “Don’t touch me,” she begged, pulling away. “I’ll be the end of you. Don’t you see? I destroy everything. I’ll destroy you.” She felt dead as she glanced around the circle, hoping they would understand and let her be.

  Elbrion began to sing as Celdorn held her face with a firmer grip. She cringed, but he refused to let go. “Those are lies, Elena.” His voice was calm and steady even as tears slid down his face.

  “Look at your hands and arms. It’s the truth. The evidence is all around us.”

  “Little one—” Celdorn’s voice broke. There was a plea in the words, a beckoning. He pulled Elena closer and leaned his forehead against hers. “Little one, please hear me.” Celdorn’s shoulders shook. “We-I want you. It breaks my heart that you were taught such lies. You’re a precious person. Not”—he choked on the words—“a thing, not dung. We want you. Please don’t refuse us.”

  The sense of death left, and Elena curled into Celdorn’s chest, her fear warring with her desperation.

  “Will you please let me be an ada to you, little one?”

  She wavered then whispered, “Yes.”

  Celdorn encircled her in a firm embrace. Elbrion knelt alongside them and kissed the top of her head, leaving his hand there in blessing. Elena turned her eyes up to him.

  “Will you allow me to be a second ada to you, Sheyshon? Will you receive my love and my protection as well?”

  Elena couldn’t believe her ears, but she quickly nodded, afraid the moment might flee and the opportunity vanish. Her tears multiplied as Celdorn released her into Elbrion’s waiting arms. “Help me fight the lies,” she begged into his chest.

  “We will help you find truth, Sheya, precious girl,” he murmured into her hair. “We will battle together.”

  Dalgo approached. “I hate to break up this tender moment, but we need to tend those burns before they worsen. Then you may take all the time you want,” he added with a smile. “Mikaelin? Braiden? Do you feel the Jhadhela prompting you to heal?” They each considered for a moment then shook their heads.

  Shatur slipped out of the chapel and returned with several men carrying water jars, cloths and ointments. Dalgo and Braiden set to work, cleaning, salving and wrapping the burns. Even Silvandir and Tobil’s hands were blistering, though neither one had touched the flames directly.

  Elena watched in pensive silence until all the burns were tended and cordial and herbs given to ease the pain. Her nightmare wrapped around her. Would they ever be safe if she remained here?

  Chapter 56

  “We have a diagmatz to finish,” Haldor said with a bright grin.

  They took their respective places again. Elena wanted to smile but her nuisance of a stomach was tightening instead. Her white shift was no longer white, smeared as it was with blackened char from flesh and hair and fabric. She brushed it off the best she could and tried to stand calmly between Celdorn and Elbrion.

  “I think perhaps we will alter our plan somewhat,” Haldor said. “Let us begin with the symbols and washing and save the vows of dedication for last.”

  Celdorn and Elbrion nodded their agreement.

  “Elena, you have asked time and again if you can be cleansed and forgiven for the guilt you carry in your soul. Part of the rite of diagmatz is the blessing of the water of life. It is the first of the gifts that are blessed and, for you, perhaps the most significant.” Haldor picked up the ewer of water and stepped in front of Elena. “Water is sacred, child. We are held in its safety as we develop in the womb. With its release and flow, comes our life in this world. Water is necessary to sustain us and without it we would perish. Water also cleanses.” He poured a steady stream from the ewer over Elena’s head then stopped. “Water is but a symbol of the cleansing that only Qho’el can accomplish, the cleansing that reaches into the core of a person. Will you open yourself and receive the cleansing of Qho’el?”

  Elena met Haldor’s eyes; the question hung unspoken.

  He nodded. “It is possible, if you will receive it.”

  In answer, Elena lifted her arms and opened them wide. “Please. Please make it so. Quickly, before something stops me.”

  When Haldor poured the water again, Elena gasped. It felt as if this ordinary liquid had riven her skull and filled her flesh like a wineskin, to near rupture. A powerful tingling sensation moved from her head to her feet as if there were magic at work in the water. Then, with a rush, the waters moved out through the soles of her feet. When the flow ceased, Elena’s body throbbed. Something had happened. What it was, Elena didn’t know, but she embraced it. Perhaps it was possible. Perhaps.

  “We need not understand everything, Sheyshon. Just receive it.” Elbrion laid a warm cloak over her saturated shoulders.

  “So is the power of the sacred water,” Haldor continued. “May you ever bless the water for its gift.” He set down the ewer and lifted a simple wooden bowl filled with dirt. “This is the sacred soil of the earth.” He picked up a handful and let it sift through his fingers.

  The smell instantly brought back flashes of the earthen cave and the hideous creatures, and Elena recoiled.

  “So ordinary and yet so necessary to sustain the plants and trees that provide the animals and us with food.” Haldor pulled her back with his soothing cadence. “From it grows life, and to it life returns. May you ever bless the soil for its gift.” He set that bowl down and grabbed the next, which contained a fine white powder. Tobil stepped forward with a flint and set the bowl ablaze.

  Elena gasped and hid her face. Snippets from her dream, images of the men on fire in the chapel flashed through her mind.

  Haldor put a cover on the bowl and extinguished it. “It is a harmless fire, as it is only a symbol of the sacred fire. Fire is necessary for life. It purifies and makes way for new growth. Within us we also carry the sacred fire of passion, whose flames we must learn to control and direct, lest they destroy.” Haldor paused when Elena’s eyes went wide. He gazed at her for a moment then smiled. “It seems you are endowed with this gift in a powerful way. There is purpose in this gift, Elena. May you ever bless the fire for its gift, and may you come to understand and manage it.”

  Elena stared at her hands and the bandages covering those of her friends. It was an odd gift. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt those around her. What could be the purpose of such a thing?r />
  While she pondered, Haldor reached for the last bowl, an empty one. “Air, wind, breath are all expressions of the divine life given to us. Invisible though it be, without air we cannot survive. Without the Sacred Breath, we may live, but it is a vacuous life. May the Jhadhela ever breathe powerfully in you, Elena Celebriana.” Haldor held the bowl beneath Elena’s chin and lightly blew in her face.

  Elena’s head snapped back as if she’d been struck in the forehead. She grabbed for her adai’s arms to steady herself. Again, she felt a movement and a throbbing in her body, and she looked at Haldor for understanding.

  His brow furrowed, his head tilted slightly, as if listening, focusing on another place. “It seems you experience the invisible realm with much more power than most of us. Although it is frightening and not easily explained, it is a great gift. You are indeed blessed, Elena.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Nor do we,” Haldor replied, nodding toward the other men. “Perhaps in time, more will become clear. In the meantime, may you ever bless the air for its gift.”

  He smiled and glanced around at the men. “Now, there are vows to be made. And I think I will rephrase my previous question.” Haldor’s expression grew more somber. “Celdorn and Elbrion, do you dedicate yourselves to helping Elena find her place in the service of the Jhadhela, to assist her in the development of the gifts with which Qho’el has abundantly blessed her? Do you promise to teach her, to the best of your abilities, the ways of Elgharmoth, the sacred writings, and the laws of Light that rule the realm of the Shalamhar?”

  “With all my heart and strength of will, I do,” Celdorn replied, beaming down at Elena. “And I offer to you a token of that promise.” He pulled a medallion from a pouch that hung on his belt. “This is my family crest. The same one that is etched on your scabbard. I give it to you as a symbol of your new heritage.” His voice was soft and edged with emotion as he put the medallion around her neck. “May it always remind you of the vow I’ve made to you today.” He gave her cheek a gentle kiss and smiled at her through his tears.

  Elena, unable to find words, threw her arms around his waist and squeezed tightly.

  He returned the embrace. “Oh Qho’el, please grant that I succeed,” he rasped as his chest heaved. After a few moments, he loosened his arms and gently turned her toward the waiting Elbrion.

  “I too promise to protect and teach you with all the love of a faithful father and all the power I possess.” Elbrion laid his hand on Elena’s head. “I too have a symbol of my vow that comes from my family line.” He slid a beautiful ring onto her first finger, woven of delicate silver vines and bearing a single stone at its center, a stone of the deepest red she’d ever seen. “The red of the Drondonel ruby is the only color my mother ever wore once she reached the age of accession. It is the sacred stone of the ancient Baelradon line from which both my parents come. May the strength of my family line wrap around you and ever remind you of my promise.” Elbrion raised Elena’s hand to his forehead with a solemn bow.

  Elena fell into his arms, still unable to speak.

  “Words are not necessary, Sheya. Just receive our pledge.”

  When Elena was ready, Elbrion turned her back toward Haldor. This holiest of men gazed down on her with an embracing smile.

  “There are seven others here, including myself, who likewise make a vow to you today. We stand as Rhulmhon or Guardians of the soul. It is our pledge to do all in our power to assist your adai in the keeping of their vows and to likewise aid you in discovering and fulfilling your destiny, empowering you to use and develop your gifts. Do you so vow?” He glanced at each of the six.

  “I do,” Tobil responded first, dropping to one knee and bowing his head.

  “As d-do I,” followed Braiden.

  Each of the men in turn made their vow and knelt in solemn humility, until the entire half circle and Haldor had bowed before Elena. She collapsed to her own knees unable to endure this show of deference. Her shame throbbed mercilessly in her skin. “I am unworthy, so unworthy of this. Please stop.”

  “Elena, we offer ourselves as gift to you,” Haldor said. “We ask only that you receive it. Let go of the lies, let down your walls and drink in the offering that is given. It will bring you life.”

  Elbrion was watching her. “Not with your head, Sheyshon. Open your heart.”

  Elena didn’t stop to think for fear of something getting in the way. With a screaming and a scattering within, she threw open her guardian gates. The men glanced around with surprise as the chapel disappeared and a large vestibule took form. They gawked at the three closed doors before them. Elena let out a shriek of dismay. This wasn’t at all what she’d intended. A wave of panic washed over her as she glanced at the corridor to her left. The double doors of the foyer slammed shut and immediately the chapel returned.

  Elena breathed a shaky sigh of relief. She wanted to make a gesture but not one quite so vulnerable.

  “What was that?” Shatur asked.

  Elena stared at Elbrion. What if they’d seen all the evil that lurked inside her? Would they embrace her then?

  “That was a quick glimpse of Elena’s internal world,” Elbrion replied. “She was not intending to share that with us—at least not consciously.” His smile said that perhaps he knew her better than she knew herself. “Let us leave it at that and not press her for more information than she is willing and able to give at this time.”

  Then to Elena he said, “We do not expect you to drop all of your walls or expose more of yourself than you are ready to do. We ask only that you open yourself up enough to receive our gift. No more than that.”

  Elena nodded gratefully. Then, while still trembling from that exposure, she arose and embraced each of the men, receiving their vow and their tribute with tears and words of gratitude. That much she could safely do.

  Haldor waited until she was finished. “We know the memories and events that caused you to have such terror in this place must have been horrific indeed. If and when they come back, we will walk through them with you. There are spiritual forces at work that are more powerful than the physical enemies you faced. To mutilate and kill the body is one thing. To mutilate and kill the spirit is quite another; far worse, in fact, because while the body is limited, the spirit will go on and take its woundings with it.”

  Haldor paused and gazed at Elena with tenderness. “Please know and trust there will be no judgment, no shaming—no matter what you have done or were forced to do or say. Expose it to the light, and it will lose its power. We now form a protective barrier around you. We have vowed, and we will be true to those vows.”

  Heads nodded around the circle.

  “May the mercy of Qho’el embrace you and may the power of his Jhadhela lead you from this day forth. We all stand in agreement and declare…”

  “Namaah,” the men said with one voice.

  “So be it,” Celdorn whispered in her ear.

  With the ceremony complete, the ten stood in thoughtful silence as the afternoon sun set the chapel to dancing in a myriad of colors. Haldor chanted a soothing melody, which seemed to mingle with the light itself, embracing them.

  ~

  Elbrion kept watch over Elena that night, aware she was still struggling with something. He hoped she might dare to talk about it, but instead she feigned sleep, using Sasha to hide her face. The chaotic movement of her mind and the tumult of her roiling emotions pummeled him for nearly an hour as he waited for her to summon the courage.

  “Would it not be less stressful just to tell me what is troubling you, rather than spending hours at war with yourself and losing another night’s sleep, Sheya?”

  Elena shook her head and gave a weary smile. “There’s no hiding from you, is there?” She sat up, pulled Sasha closer and stared at her fingers as they wove through the dog’s fur. “I wanted to speak with you...Ada”—though she spoke the word with hesitancy and would not look at him, it brought a smile to his face—“I just didn’t kn
ow how.” She stopped, still unable to find words.

  Laying his hand on her arm, Elbrion opened his mind to hers. “You may tell me anything, Elena. Trust my love.”

  She hesitantly raised her eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. “I had a dream the other night, a dream where I awoke and...and found myself like Anakh, all bones and shadow.”

  As she explained the rest of the dream, Elbrion’s heart ached for her. He moved next to her and put his arm around her shoulder, longing to shield her from the pain. She sobbed into his chest as she spoke of being responsible for all of their deaths, so convinced she was or would become like Anakh, that she would destroy the world around her.

  “That’s why I have been avoiding mirrors and windows. I’m so afraid of what I’ll see. Then at the diagmatz, I almost did destroy you.” She looked up at him. “What am I to do? I know you say these are gifts, but I don’t know how to control them. I’m afraid I’ll burn this place to the ground before we discover how.” She sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve. Sasha moved in closer, tenderly bathing Elena’s hands with her wide tongue.

  “When did you have this dream?”

  “The night after I thought I saw my attacker in the arena.” She shuddered and looked down. “I wanted to run to you, but I was afraid you would think me mad and...and be ashamed of me.”

  Elbrion lifted her chin and gazed into her eyes, willing her to hear his words. “I would never be ashamed of you, Sheya. You carry shame enough for the whole of Qabara, illegitimate shame. Most people experience shame—shame that is well-deserved, the consequence of poor choices, hateful actions, but you are shamed for actions you only dreamed, thoughts you could not control. And my guess is these thoughts were planted in your mind to manipulate you. A subtle, ingenious form of attack because you perceive it as coming from within you, as part of you, and you cannot eliminate part of yourself.”

  “Anakh said I can’t escape my destiny. Does it have to end this way?” Her eyes were filled with tears, her expression so forlorn.