Heroines and Hellions: a Limited Edition Urban Fantasy Collection

by Margo Bond Collins

  “How can it be?” Megan replied, putting on an innocent face. “I am here, completely helpless in an iron cage, surrounded by a powerful dark barrier. I cannot in any way be affected by you eating those shiny Skrulls.”

  Guru hesitated. I could almost see the gears turning inside his little brain. He really wanted to taste one of those creatures, but he was afraid of getting caught. And, could he trust a prisoner? The tengu turned to her once again, dubious.

  “It’s true, the jar’s glass is unbreakable, but the jar’s lid is kept in place with just an average sealing spell,” Megan told him, encouraging. “I bet you can break it,” she smiled.

  Guru stared at the shiny marbles with greedy eyes, then extended its claws towards the container. She knew it! She knew he couldn’t resist the temptation much longer. His claws emitted a feeble energy and the lid fell off the jar. Immediately, two angry, super-fast skrulls shot out of it, followed by many others. One of them sank into Guru’s head and made it explode from the inside. The others were free to ping-pong like crazy around the dungeon, destroying whatever they came toward: furniture, empty cages and most of the alchemic paraphernalia on the table. Megan started moving inside her cage to make it swing around. She needed to be quick, because in just a minute or so Sharaku would send more guards, or, maybe he’d come himself to see what was happening near his mistress’ precious potion. All she needed was to make the cage crash against one of the Skrulls. She heard noises from upstairs, Sharaku was coming! She had to be quick. Trying to predict the trajectory of one of the skrulls, Megan made a bold move to cause the cage to swing left. And it worked! The little marble-like demon crashed hard against the dark barrier wrapped around Megan’s cage. The skrull was instantly destroyed, and the impact had produced a crack in that barrier. A very small, teeny-tiny one, almost invisible. But big enough for an even tinier drop of Megan’s magic to come through.

  12

  The Rain Man

  I opened my eyes. For a moment, I thought I was still at the British Museum. It was because of the subtle smell of dust in the air, dust and ancient scrolls. Oh, and the pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling above me. My vision was still a little blurry, so I wondered if it was a fossilized skeleton or a copy made with some technological material. I squinted. I could see scales on it. It wasn’t a copy, nor a fossil. That was a taxidermied dinosaur. No. That was impossible, right? There was no such thing in the British Museum, no such thing anywhere on Earth. But I wasn’t on Earth, was I? No, I wasn’t anymore. I suddenly felt dizzy.

  “Take…take the truck’s plate...” I mumbled, still very confused. I couldn’t remember what had happened to me, but, considering how badly my whole body hurt, having been hit by a truck seemed more than plausible.

  “Child, you’re awake!” William’s voice sounded very close and very relieved. “How are you feeling? Please talk to me!”

  “Don’t worry, Your Grace, she’s rather battered, but just has a mild concussion,” it was James talking. “The Rain Man gave her a powerful medication. She’s going to be just fine.”

  I felt someone helping me to sit up. Then something hard against my lips, then a hot liquid tasting like a strong liqueur burnt its way down my throat, making me cough violently.

  “What…? Where are we?” My vision had magically cleared.

  Hovering over me were James, William and a tall, pale man I had never seen before. He was wearing a rain coat, still wet with rain. He had short, black hair and dark brown eyes, with a mocking look in them. The only one looking genuinely concerned was the Duke, while the other two seemed rather annoyingly relaxed.

  I couldn’t figure out what was outside the window, since it was raining heavily outside, preventing me to see out. Still, there was a huge glass ceiling high above us, even higher than the pterodactyl, and the warm light of the sun was pouring from it, filling the room with a warm glow. Which was, if possible, even weirder than having an actual taxidermied dinosaur hanging above my head. So, rain outside the window, but sun overhead … the normal abnormal. I was laying on quite comfortable and beautifully carved Victorian chaise longue. The room I was in was elegant, square and airy, with carved wooden shelves in the walls hosting all sorts of ancient books (some very old, early Middle Ages at least) Egyptian scrolls and artefacts, such as amber statues of Osiris and Ra, as well other stuff, more magic-related, I’d say, like a giant glowing purple diamond, a monstrous mask made of crystal, a mummified claw set on a small wooden pedestal. That room was adjacent to a larger, circular one on my right, at the centre of which was a grand marble staircase whose steps disappeared into darkness below. All around it, were more elegant carved shelves, only those weren’t hosting books, but Ancient Roman and Greek statues, both marble and bronze ones. I spotted various busts of gods and goddesses, as well as Greek craters and an enormous Roman mosaic representing a group of dancing girls. There was also a giant fang, impaled in a golden pedestal. It looked like a shark’s tooth, although, if that was the case, said shark would have been the size of a bus. At least. A tall marble statue of the god Apollo wearing a cornucopia towered over all those wonderful artefacts. I noticed that, contrary to the myth, the cornucopia produced a mix of beautiful and horrible things: flawless fruits and flowers, as well as the heads of monsters that I had never seen, one vomiting blood.

  “Where are we?” I asked, looking around, puzzled.

  “You’re at my place, Miss Wise,” the man with the rain coat replied. “We haven’t been introduced: I’m the Rain Man,” he gave me a welcoming smile.

  “Welcome back, Miss Wise,” James said, winking at me. “And congrats on your recent exploit. The more I know about you, the more you impress me.”

  “What? What exploit?”

  “Well, you destroyed hundreds of tengus after having ridden a phoenix, to put it simply,” James replied, coming to me with a smile. As always, I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “A phoenix?” I repeated, searching my memories, confused. “You mean, the peacock was a phoenix? So, it didn’t die?” I felt so relieved! And kind of cool too because, I mean, I had ridden a phoenix!

  “No, it was actually reborn from fire,” James replied. “Just when you threw a large quantity of magic jade at the tengus. That produced a rather explosive reaction, so to speak, which killed them all in one go.”

  “And that was all thanks to me and my catapult,” The Rain Man specified, pointing at the catapult I had used, still lying beside me, on the chaise longue.

  “You…you were the man driving the cart, right? The one I landed on.”

  “Damn right I am! And it’s a miracle you haven’t destroyed all of its contents!” The Rain Man replied, a little upset. “Thank God you found that catapult, or it found you, no idea what really happened. I made it with the ambition of a dying business man: he ended up with no family, no friends…nothing but money. On his death bed, he begged me to use his ambition to create something beautiful that could be useful to people, and I made that. It’s infallible. No matter how bad your aim is, or how small or how far your target is, as long as you can see it, you’ll hit it, using that catapult.”

  “Well, that’s…impressive,” I replied, taking the toy in my hand.

  “Unfortunately for me, it has bonded with you, for a reason I shall ignore,” the Rain Man said. “So I’m forced to give it to you, until you fulfil your purpose, which, I understand is to defeat Okasan, and retrieve the Eye of Xipe.”

  “I…yes,” I said, turning to my friends.

  “We briefed the Rain Man while you were unconscious, Miss Wise,” James calmly told me.

  “He knows absolutely nothing about Megan and her mission,” William interjected, telepathically. “He only knows that we’re after the Talisman as an assist to Turner’s friends from South America.”

  “Oh, I’m glad they’ve updated you,” I said, trying to sound natural and not like someone who wants to rescue a fairy. “Can you help us?”

  “I think I can, but first thi
ngs first,” he snapped his fingers and dozens of little blue creatures emerged from the shelves where they were hiding. They were a couple of inches tall and looked like very bald dolls with chubby cheeks. They seemed to have only a minimal mouth, with no lips, and their eyes were pale blue dots, with no pupils nor eyelids. Overall, very cute.

  “What…who are these creatures?”

  “Bluemini!” they all replied at once, with baby voices.

  “They’re my faithful servants, I’ve created them,” the Rain Man explained. “They’re not very bright, can’t even talk, but they can get inside anything, and are excellent spies and scavengers.”

  Two of them presented me with a small silver plate which held a perfect, pale pink flower, which in turn held upon its petals a perfect, pale pink.

  “Eat it,” the Rain Man said. “It’s a baby Hesperides apple. A mature one would make you immortal, while this one will cleanse your blood of any dark magic or poison that you’ve been in contact with and, believe me, you’ve been in contact with a lot.”

  I turned to James.

  “Go ahead and enjoy it, Miss Wise, it’s safe,” he reassured me. “I’ve had one too. This criminal has a Hesperides tree in his green house. Lucky bastard!”

  “Lucky? Have you any idea what I risked to get those? You know that Ladon guards them, and he isn’t exactly a friendly reptile…”

  “Thank you,” I told the two bluemini who brought me the peach. I put flower and fruit in my mouth and chewed. The moment the fruit broke inside my mouth it spread the most delicious, most heavenly taste which brought tears to my eyes and, for a brief, glorious moment, I could hear the Hesperides singing high above in my head, and afar at the same time. It was the sweetest, most inebriating song. It lasted for maybe ten seconds, then it was gone.

  “Wow! That was…” I was about to say “better than an orgasm” but then I thought that it wouldn’t be appropriate, so I simply said: “I feel amazing!”

  “Hesperides apples are extremely powerful, capable of clearing away any dark poison, purifying the body as well as nullifying ANY dark spell,” James explained, sitting beside me. “That’s why I bought Hesperides flower powder from the Rain Man,” he fished into his pocket and handed me a pale pink bag which smelled amazing. “Put it in a safe place. You’ll use the catapult to deliver it to Okasan’s cauldron…”

  “How do you know she has one?” I asked, quickly putting the Hesperides power in my jacket’s inside pocket. I had just remembered my dream. Or vision. Or whatever it was. I wondered if I should talk about it with James and William. I was unsure if it was relevant, or just a simple delusion created by my concussion. Anyway, I couldn’t talk in front of the Rain Man, so I had time to think it over.

  “Because the spell she’s about to perform, requires a powerful potion made from powerful ingredients,” the Rain Man replied, frowning. The subject was clearly very serious. “I know some of them, but only some. It took her over a thousand years to collect them, the Eye of Xipe being the icing on the cake, so to say. There’s a rumour that, to work, the potion requires a wingless fairy, but it’s not possible that she’s found one; capturing such a powerful being wouldn’t be viable. They’re too secluded…”

  James and I exchange glances, but said nothing.

  “Do you know what this spell’s for?” Turner asked.

  “Me? Mate, I know many things, but not that many!” the Rain Man replied, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. “And as adventurous as I am, I stay well away from meta-humans and their business, especially from meta-humans as powerful as Okasan. I still think you’d be better off not going…”

  “We’ve already been through that,” James cut him off. “I promised my friends to help them. As you know, I always keep my promises.”

  “I know… By the way, who are these friends of yours who dealt with a long lost artefact? I mean, the Eye of Xipe had been lost for over ten thousand years, as far as I know…”

  “I’m sorry, pal. Cannot tell,” James said, categorical. “It’s classified stuff.”

  “Classified stuff, eh?” The Rain Man replied, not convinced at all. “All right. Well, you’ll need some stuff before you go. Follow me,” he said, and a dozen Bluemini gathered around him, then formed a tidy queue behind him, as he went to the other room.

  James and I got up from the chaise longue and followed him, William right behind us. He went down the marble stairs and so did we. A few steps down, and the polished white marble gave way to ancient pietra serena stone, a type of rock very popular for architectural use in the Middle Ages, in Southern Europe.

  13

  The Invisible Armour

  At the bottom of the stairs was a huge, rounded room. Unlike the one before, this one was scruffy and crammed with what looked like junk, or just old stuff without any particular value. One wall was covered with very basic wooden bookshelves filled with all sorts of objects, such as old light bulbs, marbles, pieces of plastic dolls, several rusty tools whose purpose I ignored, and piles of tin Victorian toys. The opposite wall was covered with chairs of all types and shapes, made in difference places and times: from elegant Louis XVI, to basic British World War II, straw seats, to beautifully crafted medieval praying stools. Among them hung a small, blue fishing boat whose paint was peeling off, as well as an early nineteenth century bicycle, brown with rust.

  The whole place was immersed in semi-darkness, the only light came from the glass ceiling above, which was much, much higher up: we clearly were standing at the bottom of some sort of tower. A rather tall one. Looking up, I realised that ALL its walls were packed with many sorts of things, up to the very top, making the place look more like a depository than a home. The bluemini immediately scattered to do tasks: some started dusting, others went to repair broken tools, and others simply disappeared behind the shelves.

  “So, if you want to have the slightest chance of survival against Okasan, you’ll need…” the Rain Man said, clapping his hand while looking around, pensively. I didn’t know why, but I had the feeling that he knew exactly where everything was, even the tiniest thing, in spite of the size of the room and the amount of stuff crammed into it. “First of all, you need protection,” he continued, walking towards a dusty trunk half hidden by a protruding shelf. “Something strong, but light…”

  All of a sudden, the trunk magically flung open and a huge cloak flew out of it. It looked like a stereotypical wizard cloak, dark red, with complicated golden embroidery covering it and a high, rigid collar.

  “Ancient Persian…how elegant!” William whispered to me, while staring wide-eyed at it.

  The cloak floated in front of the Rain Man as if to wait for his orders. Without saying anything, our host simply nodded at me. Before I could react in any way, the cloak had surrounded me. Literally.

  “Hey, HEY! What’s it doing? No! Stop! STOP THIS THING RIGHT NOW! I CAN’T BREATHE!” I gasped, as I felt the fabric squeezing against me, almost suffocating me.

  “Relax, dude,” The Rain Man reassured me. “It just needs a moment to take your measurements, then it will fit perfectly.”

  “Dude? I AM A GIRL!” I protested, exasperated. “Is it possible that no one ever notices that? First that one tells me I’m short and skinny…”

  “‘That one’ would be me?” James replied, sounding slightly offended. “Now I’m ‘that one’?”

  “Only when you tease me about my body…”

  “I wasn’t teasing you! It’s a matter of fact that you’re, well, not very tall and definitely quite skinny!”

  “Mr Turner, please stop talking!” My ghost interjected. The cloak was blocking my vision, but I could nevertheless “feel” Will rolling his eyes as he spoke.

  “OK, when does this thing stop? All right!” The cloak had finally stopped strangling my body and was now perfectly fitting itself around my shoulders and back. Not too long, but not too short either. Felt as light as a feather.

  “Fantastic!” The Rain Man exclaimed, coming to me.
“Now, that’s one of the Alastars brothers’ cloaks. If you think they will be of use, there are two: one for you, and one for James. The Alastars were very powerful beings who lived a long time ago…”

  “In a galaxy far, far away?” I cut him off, sarcastically.

  “Yeah, how do you know?” He replied, creeping me out.

  “I’m not sure this looks flattering on you, child,” William said, studying me from different angles. “It makes you look ever so sturdy and bulky…”

  “Maybe, but it offers incredibly good protection,” The Rain Man replied, sinking his hand into a fat blue jar on a shelf beside him. “Let me show you!”

  His hand came back holding something shiny and powerful and before I could do or say anything, he threw it at me.

  “CHILD!”

  “WISE!”

  My friend shouted, I tried to duck, but that thing was too fast. But, not as fast as the cloak, which immediately wrapped around me, blocking out whatever was thrown at me. I felt merely a feeble ‘thud’ and that was it.

  “It’s strangling me again!” I yelled, or, tried to yell, as the magic fabric covered my mouth as well.

  “You modified a stone of Herlom?” James asked, picking up from the floor whatever it was Rain Man had tossed at me. “And that cloak could block it?”

  “Yes and yes, my friend. I made the stone even more lethal, as you can see. And your girl didn’t even get a scratch.”

  “I’m not his girl!” I protested, my mouth finally free from the cloak. “And this thing’s a pain, it won’t work.”

  “A pain?” The Rain Man started, visibly upset.

  “Sorry, but I cannot fight with this on. It blocks my vision… My movements…” I kicked and punched the air to prove how goofy it made me.

  “Well, the Alastars brothers didn’t engage directly into battle, I have to give you that…” the Rain Man replied, staring at me pensively.