After downing the rest of his beer, he excused himself from the table and headed in the direction Noah had gone.
For the second time during the trip so far, Dare spent nearly half an hour searching for Noah. Unlike last time, though, he didn’t find Noah on the rock wall attempting to burn off his frustration. This time he found him leaning on the rail overlooking the dark ocean. He paused, wanting to take in the sight of him before he approached. The man still managed to make his heart skip a beat even though he knew that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
Taking a deep breath, Dare made his way over to Noah, rested his arms on the rail beside him, and mirrored his stance.
“You okay?” He glanced over briefly.
Noah nodded.
“You sure?”
More silence, this time without the nod.
Dare turned around and leaned back against the rail. “Talk to me, Noah. What’s going on?”
Noah looked over but didn’t answer. Dare knew there was something on his mind, he could tell by the pained expression on his face, but he didn’t know what. He tried to replay what had been said right before Noah had dashed out of the room, but he couldn’t recall.
“Is it me?” He hated the insecurity in his tone, but he couldn’t help but ask.
Noah met his gaze briefly. “Maybe a little.”
Okay, that hurt.
“But not in a bad way.” Noah’s smile was sad.
“Then in what way?”
Dare watched as Noah’s attention returned to the water.
“I was just thinking about my father.”
A sudden sadness settled in Dare’s gut. He hadn’t yet heard the specifics on what had happened to Noah’s father, but he knew he’d died sometime within the few months after they’d broken up. He wanted Noah to open up to him, to share what had happened, but he refused to force him. Up to this point, although the sexual tension was like a rubber band stretched to the max, the emotional connection between them was lacking. Noah hadn’t yet let Dare in and he was beginning to think he wouldn’t.
Figuring it wouldn’t hurt to spur the conversation, Dare decided to admit what he knew. “Milly told me your father died when you were twenty-three.”
Noah nodded, then cast a sideways glance at Dare. A strange sense of foreboding washed over him, and he suddenly didn’t want to know any more.
“If I’d known, I would’ve been there for you.” No way would he have wanted Noah to go through that alone. “How did he die?”
“Car wreck.”
“I’m so sorry. When did it happen?”
Noah’s expression hardened. “My father died the day after you left. That night, actually.”
Oh, fuck.
Noah stood up straight, his hands tightly gripping the railing. “In fact, my father died coming to see me because I was so fucked up from you walking away, he was worried about me.”
Oh, fuck suddenly didn’t begin to describe the horrible sensation consuming him. If what Noah was telling him was true—and Dare couldn’t think of any reason for Noah to lie about this—then that meant…
“Oh, my God.” He could hardly breathe. His chest felt as though there were a ten-ton weight sitting on it.
He was responsible for Noah’s father’s death. It was his fault.
Dare swallowed hard.
And that…
No matter how much he wished it weren’t true, that meant no matter what had transpired between them these last few days, Noah would never be able to forgive him.
And Dare couldn’t blame him.
Noah couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked about his father with anyone. Even his mother had given up trying years ago. The guilt he lived with made it damn near impossible to discuss, but what he told Dare was the truth. His father had been on his way to Noah’s apartment the night after Dare had left, but he’d never made it there.
“God, Noah, I’m so sorry.”
The familiar anger he felt when he thought about his father’s death, about the cruel way the universe had taken the most important man in his life from him choked him. For the longest time, he had pushed aside the guilt and blamed Dare for everything. If Dare hadn’t left, Noah’s father would probably be alive today. If Noah hadn’t called his father that night, completely devastated because he’d lost the man he loved, his father would probably be alive today.
Even after years of therapy—something his mother had insisted on after he’d fallen into a deep depression—it was sometimes hard to remember that it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Dare’s fault, either.
“I really don’t want to talk about this,” Noah finally said, his fingers cramping as he gripped the railing.
“Of course you don’t.”
Noah’s head snapped to the side as he stared at Dare. The comment was said with malice, not sympathy as he’d expected. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means you’re not willing to open up to me.” Dare stood up straight, his hands balled into fists, his anger evident on his face. “It’s no different now than it was back then.”
“Fuck you, Dare.” Noah didn’t know what to say to that. He hadn’t expected Dare to turn this into an argument, but he should’ve known better. “And you’re not much different, either, are you? Picking a fight when this isn’t even about you.”
Dare nodded, but Noah wasn’t sure why.
“I’m sorry about your father. I didn’t know. Had you bothered to reach out to me, I would’ve been there for you.”
Noah’s anger intensified. “If you hadn’t walked out on me, it wouldn’t have happened.”
Shit. He hadn’t meant to say that.
The way Dare stepped back as though he’d been slapped was proof that Noah’s words were harsher than he’d intended.
“I get it. It’s my fault.” It wasn’t a question. “That’s clear.”
“It’s not your fault,” Noah blurted, needing Dare to know he really didn’t blame him, no matter what the hell he was saying. He had, sure. At one point. For a really long time, actually, but not anymore.
“Oh, but it is. I can see it in your face. If I hadn’t left, your father would still be alive today.” Dare turned as though he was going to walk away, but he stopped and turned back. “There are a lot of things in my life that I regret, but walking away from you has always been the biggest. But this explains a lot. And I’m sorry, Noah. I’m truly fucking sorry.”
Dare turned and walked away, taking another piece of Noah’s heart with him. He hated to let him go, but he didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if there was anything to say that would salvage this.
The memories of that horrific night swamped him.
“Noah, talk to me.”
“I don’t feel like talking, Dad.” He didn’t feel like doing anything. Well, nothing except drowning his sorrow in the bottle of whiskey he’d been chugging for the past few hours.
“Talk to me, son.”
“Nothin’ to talk about.” His words were coming out through numb lips. “Dare’s gone. It’s over.”
“When did he leave?”
“Last night sometime.” Noah wasn’t sure exactly when. He only knew they’d gone to bed together and he’d woken up alone.
“Have you called him?”
Noah took a swig from the bottle. “Nope. Not goin’ to either. Fuck him.”
“Noah.”
“What? It’s cool, Dad. I’ve got my whiskey; I don’t need anything more.”
“Why don’t I come get you and you can stay the night here with your mom and me?”
Even intoxicated, Noah could hear the concern in his father’s tone. “I’m not leaving my apartment. I’m gonna sit right here and drink myself stupid.”
“Noah…” His father sighed. “Then I’ll come stay with you. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”
For some reason, that small offer made tears form in Noah’s eyes. He’d fought the urge to cry since the moment he’d woken up to find Dare and t
he few things he’d had at the apartment gone. His toothbrush, his razor, the few pairs of boxers Noah had washed and left on top of the dryer … all of it gone.
A sob tore free from his chest and Noah put the bottle on the table. “He’s gone, Dad. He left me.”
The dam broke and the tears came flooding out of him.
“I’ll be there in a few minutes, Noah. Stay right there, son.”
Noah hung up the phone and let it drop to the cushion as he folded in on himself and let the tears fall. He hated to admit it, but he needed his father right then. He needed someone to console him, to assure him that his heart wasn’t going to come out of his chest, because the pain was unbearable.
The next thing Noah knew, he was waking up in the same spot he’d obviously cried himself to sleep in. He heard the phone ringing, but didn’t know where it was coming from. Forcing himself to sit, he dug around in the cushions until he found the handset.
“Dad? What time is it? I thought you were coming over.”
“Noah.”
The fuzz from the alcohol and sleep disappeared instantly when he heard the anguish in his mother’s voice.
“What’s wrong, Mom?”
“Oh, God, Noah. It’s your father…” She choked on the words. “He’s … dead.”
And just like that, his entire world had started spinning out of control. From that phone call, Noah had developed an anger so deep, so immense, he hadn’t been sure he would ever be able to lay eyes on Dare again. It didn’t matter that Dare wasn’t at fault. The man they assumed had fallen asleep at the wheel and had been driving on the wrong side of the road—hitting his father head on and killing them both instantly—was responsible.
And it sucked because they didn’t even have complete closure on that. The autopsy proved the man who had hit his father hadn’t been drinking, and the only information they had was from the man’s wife, who said he’d been driving back from a business trip. It had been a tragedy, on both sides, and, yes, ultimately the man who had been too tired to drive was responsible.
But it had been so much easier to blame Dare.
Truth was, from the minute he’d laid eyes on Dare a few days ago, he had intended to never share that little detail with him. He didn’t blame Dare. He didn’t blame himself, either.
Not anymore.
His chest ached and it was hard to breathe. Here he’d been thinking about the what-ifs ... about what their life could’ve been like. Although nothing would ever bring Noah’s father back, he had been given a second chance with Dare. They’d been given a second chance.
But just like the first time, Noah had gone and fucked it up.
Twenty
Unable to go back to the cabin and be alone, Dare went to find Roan. He needed someone to talk to. He would’ve preferred to chat with Cam because the two of them were closer, but he wasn’t about to drop his problems on a man who was getting married tomorrow. And Roan had offered.
After knocking on Roan’s door, Dare realized he wasn’t there, so he headed back down to the main floor. Figuring he could take half an hour to seek him out before he gave up, Dare started walking.
He was at the twenty-minute mark when he found Roan with Teague in the casino.
“Hey, man. What’s up?” Roan peered up at him from his seat at the blackjack table. “Oh, shit.”
Dare didn’t even have to answer before Roan was gearing up to quit the game. He hated that he’d interrupted, but at the moment, he really needed Roan.
“You cool?” Teague questioned from his seat beside Roan.
Dare nodded. He doubted it seemed sincere.
“I’m out, too.” Teague got to his feet and took his chips after passing over a tip for the dealer. “Come on, bro. Let’s go get a drink.”
Unable to refuse the company, Dare followed Roan and Teague. They stopped at one of the bars, ordered shots of whiskey, then found a table nearby. There was music playing from the speakers in the ceiling, but it wasn’t too loud to hear himself talk, but loud enough to help ease the thoughts from his mind, so Dare managed to relax.
“What’s up, man?” Roan leaned on his elbows, watching Dare closely.
Dare wasn’t sure how to share the details, but he figured he had to get them out there. Rather than dropping hints, he went ahead and told them about the conversation he’d had with Noah a little while ago.
“Fuck. That’s rough.” Teague was watching him closely, a frown on his face. “But man, you have to know it wasn’t your fault. You said Noah even said so.”
Dare grimaced. “How do you figure that? If I hadn’t walked out on him…”
“The same can be said for Noah,” Roan stated.
“How so?” Dare wasn’t buying it.
“If Noah had accepted where the relationship was going, you wouldn’t have left.”
“I should’ve stayed. I should’ve tried to work it out. If I hadn’t been so selfish that night…”
“That’s bullshit, Dare,” Roan bit out. “Don’t you dare go taking that guilt on. How did he die?”
“Car wreck.” Dare didn’t know any of the details. He hadn’t gotten that far into the conversation with Noah.
“Regardless, it doesn’t matter. You’re not at fault,” Teague offered before downing another shot.
“I don’t know how Noah doesn’t hate me,” Dare mused aloud. And he really didn’t.
“Because he loves you, man.” The way Roan said it sounded so matter-of-fact.
Dare snorted. “Not even close.”
“I saw the two of you together.” Roan leaned back in his chair. “Y’all looked pretty fucking cozy to me.”
Teague lifted an eyebrow, as though encouraging Roan to explain.
“They were watching that movie last night. Holding hands and everything.”
Roan was right, they had been. And that short span of time seemed like a lifetime ago. Especially since Noah had spent the majority of today ignoring him.
“That’s the reason you shouldn’t do relationships,” Teague offered. “One minute you’re pissing rainbows, and the next your world’s upside down and sideways.”
Pissing rainbows, huh? Dare hadn’t heard that one before. Then again, Teague always came up with some off-handed shit.
“Love’s not all bad,” Roan grumbled.
Dare laughed. The way he said it was quite the opposite of the words.
Teague grabbed another shot glass and held it while he spoke. “Regardless, this guy shows up out of the blue after, what … fifteen years? That’s gotta be somethin’. Seriously. Maybe you’re one of those who believes in fate and shit. Maybe this is your destiny.”
Dare stared at Teague, dumbfounded.
Roan spoke up. “Dude, you should probably lay off the whiskey.”
“What? I’m serious.” Teague looked at Dare again. “Did you know he was Milly’s stepbrother?”
“No.”
“Did he know about you?”
“No.”
“Yet somehow y’all are back together again.”
“We’re not together.” Dare felt the need to clarify that. “Not even a little bit.”
Okay, maybe a little bit.
Or rather they had been before Noah had dropped that little bomb on him a while ago.
Now Dare didn’t even know what he wanted.
Roan leaned forward. “Give it a chance. That’s all I can tell you. You never know what might happen.”
Dare smirked. “I hope you know I’m gonna use that on you one day.”
Roan shook his head. “You won’t have to. Love damn sure ain’t my thing.”
“I’m right there with you,” Teague chimed in. “Right there with you. Now who’s gettin’ the next round?”
Noah wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing in the same spot his feet had rooted to since before Dare had left, but he figured it had to have been a while since the main deck was clearing out. He knew he should’ve gone up to his cabin and gone to bed because they had a big
day tomorrow. Not only was it the last stop on the cruise before they headed back to Florida, but Cam and Gannon were also getting married.
Yet the idea of spending the night in the same cabin with Dare was disconcerting. Only because he hated how things had been left between them. He honestly didn’t blame Dare for what had happened, but he doubted Dare would believe that, no matter how many times he tried to explain it.
“What’re you doing out here so late?”
Noah turned to see Gannon stepping up beside him. “I think I could ask you the same question.”
“Can’t sleep.”
“Nervous?”
Gannon shook his head. “Excited. I think I’m driving Cam crazy.”
Noah chuckled. “I can see that happening. No more motion sickness?”
“Only a little, but not nearly like it was on that first day.”
Noah noticed Gannon was still a little pale. “Good to hear.”
Gannon leaned his forearms on the rail. “What about you? Why’re you out here?” Gannon glanced around him. “Where’s Dare?”
Not wanting to get into the details of their falling-out because tomorrow was Gannon’s wedding day and the guy didn’t need anything else to worry about, he opted for a question of his own. “How did you know Cam was the one for you?”
Gannon smiled. “I think I knew it the first time I looked at him.”
“Really?”
“God, no.” Gannon laughed. “He was hot, sure. But we had quite a few ups and downs in the beginning. Things he needed to overcome, things I had to address.”
“So you had to work at it?”
Gannon put one foot on the bottom rail and pivoted so that he was facing Noah. “Of course we did. It’s what you do in a relationship.”
Silence lingered between them while Noah tried to come up with something to say.
“This about Dare?”
Noah sighed, then nodded.
“Milly told me about you and him. Anything you want to talk about?”
There were a lot of things he wanted to talk about, but Noah knew Gannon was not the man he should’ve been talking to. He needed to have this conversation with Dare; he just didn’t know how to make that happen. Not without fucking things up again, anyway.
Fearless (Pier 70 Book 2) Page 15
