Faltering

by Jennifer Lyndon

  “I’m in love with you,” I replied, shocked by my own words, my heart beating fast again. She pressed her lips to mine gently.

  “Don’t tell me, Sylvie,” she whispered against my mouth. “Show me.” She kissed me again, this time parting her lips to draw my tongue inside her mouth. She pulled back and I pursued her, pinning her back down on her bed as I shifted over her. I kissed her deeply, my hands moving into her tangled, damp, hair. She moaned softly and I lifted back from her.

  “What should I do?” I implored, searching her hazel eyes for a clue as to what she expected of me.

  “Kiss me, Sylvie, all over my body. I want to feel your mouth on me,” she answered. “Kiss me however you want to, just don’t stop.” I met her lips again, but only briefly before I trailed my mouth across her jaw to her throat. Her skin was a little salty, and slightly moist with sweat, and softly yielding to the pressure of my mouth. Her hands reached across my back beneath my shirt as she struggled with the clasp of my bra, finally freeing it. “Wait,” she said, halting me. “Let me see you.”

  She pushed me back as she tugged at my shirt until it was free of me. She then slipped my bra away. Her eyes slid over me before she reached my lips, her hands on my breasts. I pushed her back down, pinning her hands back on the bed beside her. I pressed my face into the sweet softness of her neck, her damp hair tickling my chin. I wanted to rest there forever, but was too interested in the remainder of her body to stay still.

  I kissed her neck, easing down to her breasts, kissing her first through her robe and feeling her nipples harden. I licked the sharp peak of a nipple through silk, wetting the material as she strained to move closer to me. A soft moan escaped her lips. I released her hands and quickly untied the sash at her waist, opening her robe to expose her beautiful, soft, vulnerable breasts. Her small nipples were the palest peach, so different from my own. I pressed my breasts against hers, softness giving to softness, and kissed her deeply as my leg pressed between hers. I registered slick wetness on my thigh and reached my hand down to touch her. My fingers eased between her legs to find damp wispy hair. I pressed tentatively into her, my fingertips sliding through satin, or the petals of a flower, so vulnerable and soft. She pulled back, tensing against me. She seized my wrist and pressed my fingers deeper.

  “Please, Sylvie. You’ve no idea what you’re doing to me,” she gasped. “Don’t tease me. I can’t take it right now.”

  My heart started pounding in my chest as I pressed my mouth to hers to quiet her; unable to allow thought, only wanting her movement, her response to my physical questioning. I pressed my fingers deeper into her and she tightened around me as I moved in a rhythm to match hers. Her arms were holding tightly to me, her fingers digging into my back, almost painfully. Her hips rocked against me, and before I realized what I was doing, my thrusts grew more powerful, my fingers deep inside of her, reaching for her soul. Her muscles were contracting as whispered, “Yes, please, don’t stop,” next to my ear.

  The responses of her body became more powerful, shaking her from head to toe as I thrust into her. A cry tore through her as her fingertips dug into my shoulders. She was holding tightly to me, her body rigid. Slowly her muscles relaxed, her grip on me loosening, becoming gentle as she started trembling faintly. Burying her face in my neck, she gasped. After a few minutes passed, she lay inert, her breathing slowing as my eyes moved over her body. I eased my fingers from inside of her and moved over next to her. As more time passed in silence, I began to consider the possibility she had fallen asleep, but then she turned to face me.

  “Sylvie,” she whispered, watching me expectantly. I was at a loss for what to say, so I waited for what she would do next. “Come here.” She tucked herself close to me, her leg, still covered by slick hosiery, snaked between mine as if she were trying to get as close to me as possible, maybe beneath my skin even. “Talk to me, baby. Please.”

  “What do you want to talk about?” I asked evenly.

  “This is the reason you came back to me, right?” she whispered. “Tell me you wanted this.”

  “I don’t know what I wanted,” I answered honestly. She focused on me for a moment, her gaze intense, and then she diverted her eyes and started to move away. I tightened my hold of her.

  “Usually I can read you pretty well, but right now I can’t tell at all what you’re thinking,” she admitted. I nodded.

  “Isn’t it obvious, Lara? I wasn’t.” For a moment her eyebrows came together, uncertainty flashing across her face making her appear young, almost frightened. “I mean, I wasn’t thinking. There was no room for thought, just feeling.” Her expression cleared, a gentle smile reshaping her features.

  “What are you feeling then?” she whispered, her smile turning seductive. I shook my head, already too exposed to confess more. “I’ll give you anything you want. Just name it. I’ll spoil you rotten, Sylvie, if you’ll allow it.” I laughed at her mercurial demeanor and she snuggled closer to me. “And you will allow it, won’t you, now that you understand?”

  “What makes you think I understand, Lara? The only thing I know for certain is that I don’t understand anything. I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my entire life.” She liked that and pressed her lips to mine as a reward.

  “Sylvie,” she replied gently. “You take everything far too seriously,” she observed. “We’re only having a little bit of fun. There’s no need to get all worked up about it.”

  ****

  Despite the fact I was unemployed, I was suddenly in no hurry to return to Chicago. Financially, I couldn’t afford to fritter away my days with Lara, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her. It was as if a switch had been turned inside of me, one that made my entire life shift on its axis. Before I fell in love with her, my world had revolved around work and ambition, and the creation of stability. Suddenly all of that was forgotten, and the new center of my existence was Lara. I was hopelessly lost, I knew, but powerless to right myself. With her, life was beautiful and shining. Without her, it was a wasteland. This insight was terrifying. So, I did what any reasonable woman in love would do. I refused to think about it.

  Though my funds were dwindling rapidly, and my emotional dependence on Lara was increasing at a dangerous rate, I thought of nothing but her, spending every possible moment in her arms. I would get up in the morning and head over to her home, as if I were still working as her nurse, and then wile away the entire morning in bed with her. Afterward, Lara would tell me what she had in store for us for the day. In the afternoons we drove around exploring quaint little towns nearby, perusing antique shops and touring the old antebellum homes along the Caine River. Once we even went over to the University so Lara could check into some business classes she was interested in. I was so wrapped up in her, I hardly noticed those days, and then weeks, slipping through my fingers, as summer turned to fall.

  Most of the time I managed to forget that the object of my ardor was actually someone’s wife, and not mine at all. Lara made my self-delusion easy, by making herself available anytime I wanted to be with her, even in the evenings. During that time, I never saw her husband. Still, I was fooling myself. My inevitable reality check came one morning when Lara and I were in bed together. She was so enthusiastic in her attentions that morning I hadn’t been able to get my clothes off before she made the world crash down around me. She had me sprawled back across her bed, my panties down at my ankles, and her head beneath the skirt of a beautiful dress she had bought me the day before. She was going down on me, her knees on the carpet, her face pressed between my thighs, her hands gripping my hips, holding me to her mouth as waves of ecstasy coursed through me. That’s when Mrs. Elgin’s gasp drew me back to the moment. I tensed, and raised my head to see her staring at us in horror. I went from bliss to shock in an instant. All I could think to do was grab Lara’s shoulder and shove her back from me. Mrs. Elgin turned away from us to face the wall, as I shifted away from Lara and hastily pulled up my panties.

 
“God in heaven,” I heard Mrs. Elgin say.

  I looked at Lara, now collapsed on the floor, a stunned expression on her face, and then returned my gaze to the rigid back of Mrs. Elgin. Her hand came out to touch the wall, as she stepped awkwardly to the still open door, and then walked out without another word. I took one look at the utter devastation apparent on Lara’s face and sprang from the bed after Mrs. Elgin. When I reached the hall I saw her standing with her back to me, her hand splayed against the wall for support, as if the ground were moving beneath her feet.

  “Mrs. Elgin,” I said softly. I didn’t have a clue what to say to this woman who, I’d been told, had once changed my diapers. I only knew I needed to somehow make her calm down. Some explanation was required of me. I racked my brain, but nothing came. Then she spoke.

  “You’ll forgive me, Sylvie, if I don’t stay to visit. I’m not sure I could stand to look at you just now,” she responded quietly, but without spite. “While I’m certain this situation is by no means your fault, child, if you still worked for me I’d fire you this instant.” I was too stunned by her words to respond for a moment, and then it occurred to me the meaning behind what she had said. As Mrs. Elgin walked away I pursued her, my curiosity piqued.

  “You think I’m a victim in this. You blame Lara,” I said quietly. “Why?” She stopped and spun around to appraise me, slowly, as if it took an act of will to focus her eyes on me.

  “I thought with your professional training, and that prickly personality of yours, that you’d be harder for her to manipulate. You must have dealt with emotionally unstable patients before, possibly even those with her type of perversion,” she said sharply. “She’s difficult, I realize, but you’re a smart girl. You’ve always been so driven and focused.” I shook my head. “You’re too smart for this kind of adolescent behavior.”

  “I’m not a psychiatric nurse, Mrs. Elgin,” I said firmly. “And Lara’s not my patient. She means far more to me than any patient ever could. I love her. I’ve always loved her. You knew that. It’s the reason you asked me to care for her when she was sick.” Softening my voice I asked her what troubled me. “Why would you even suggest that she’s unstable?”

  “Because she is, Sylvie. A mother recognizes the weaknesses of her children. I know what happened in there was no more your doing than it was Dickie Lee’s, when I caught them together when Lara was a teenager. I truly… I held out hope that she’d grown out of this deviant behavior. Everyone I talked to, the experts, they all told me that girls grow out of that particular form of perversion. It was supposed to be a phase, a bizarre response to what happened to her.”

  “What happened to her, Mrs. Elgin?” I asked, struck by her choice of words. She shook her head.

  “I need to go,” she said sternly, and then she turned back around and started down the stairs. After only two steps down, she halted and turned back to me. “No. I have to say it. Sylvie, for God’s sake girl, just think about what you’re doing. It could have been Joe rather than me who caught you two like that, and then the whole town would have known. Do you want your mother to hear about this? As sick as Hattie’s been, it might kill her. And you can’t imagine what it would do to my daughter’s life if people knew about her. If you must engage in this type of behavior, at least think of the consequences of discovery,” she insisted. “Dammit, girl! Be smart! And be more discreet!”

  “Mrs. Elgin, please, don’t leave without talking to Lara,” I called after her retreating figure. She turned for a moment and fixed her eyes on the doorway to Lara’s room.

  “Tell her that in the future I’ll be sure to knock before entering her room,” she said sharply. I stared as she turned back around and continued her retreat.

  When she was down the stairs I went back into Lara’s room to find her still sitting sprawled on the floor, her tousled blond hair shielding her face. She didn’t look up at me as I approached. I sank down on the floor beside her and waited for her to speak. After a few minutes she took my hand and pressed it tightly between both of hers. I decided she wasn’t going to talk.

  “Your mother loves you,” I whispered to her. She nodded.

  “Why didn’t she knock?”

  “She assured me that she’ll knock in the future,” I replied. Lara laughed harshly and glared at me.

  “You were out there with her a while,” she spat. “What else did she tell you?”

  “That she wasn’t surprised,” I stated calmly. “Well, she was surprised about me, but not you. Apparently, I’m prickly.”

  “She had a real heart to heart with you, didn’t she?” Lara snapped. I shook my head.

  “Are you angry with me?” I asked gently. Her grip on my hand tightened as she glared at me, her jaw set, and then her expression softened and she shook her head.

  “No, Sylvie. None of this is your fault. Mother’s right. It’s me.” I shook my head and tugged at her hands as I stood.

  “Get up off this floor, Lara,” I suggested as I guided her to her feet.

  I led her over to the loveseat in the corner of her room. She released my hand and sat down heavily in the corner of the loveseat, before pulling her legs up in front of her, creating a barrier between us.

  “She saw you with a girl when you were younger,” I offered. She laughed harshly.

  “Now you understand why they sent me off to reform school,” she replied. “They wanted a proper daughter, one who was interested in marrying a man and producing grandchildren, not a pervert.”

  “Then they got what they wanted, right?” She shook her head and smiled. “You’re married.” Her smile turned cold.

  “We all got what we wanted, I suppose,” she snapped. The sharp wizened look in her eyes made me a little nervous. “You can’t imagine how many girls like me there were at that school. Teachers too. I was never lacking company behind closed doors.” Images of her body flitted through my mind as a shiver went through me. I didn’t like to think of anyone else touching her. “And I learned what I was meant to learn, that no one really cares what you do in private, as long as you present the right image in public,” she continued, smiling sweetly. “There’s nothing wrong with me, you know. It’s the girls who cut their hair off, who refuse to wear makeup and dresses, the ones who try to be men, those are the perverts, not me, not us, Sylvie. As long as we’re unseen, and we play our parts in the charade, no one really cares if we enjoy each other in private.”

  “You’re mother thinks you’re just reacting to something that happened to you.” Lara’s gaze narrowed as her jaw tightened. “What happened?”

  “She’s wrong. I’ve always been this way. That’s why it happened,” she said quietly.

  “What happened?” I asked. Lara glared at me.

  “Nothing.”

  “Why’d you get married if you’ve always known?” I asked cautiously. She cut her eyes away from mine and shrugged.

  “There was never any question I’d marry, honey,” she replied. “It was the only thing to do, I guess. I wasn’t going to live at home with my parents forever. You saw how she reacted just now. I’d never have been able to survive under her scrutiny. Living alone wasn’t an option either. It would have invited those rumors to start up again.” Her focus returned to me, but she seemed a little distant. “I’m not one of those people. You know that, right?” I didn’t know, and was about to ask her what she meant. “You’ve seen them, Sylvie, or maybe you haven’t. You’re such a little kid about some things.” I shook my head. “You know, the women with masculine haircuts who hold hands in public.” I tried to imagine Lara with her beautiful long hair shorn off. “I’m not a lesbian if that’s what you’ve been thinking. What we do together, it’s nothing to do with that.”

  “Do you love me, Lara?” She blinked quickly a couple of times but didn’t respond. “Lara, please answer me.” She wet her lips before offering a dangerous smile.

  “Well, do you love me, Sylvie?” I watched her appraise me warily. I nodded slowly.

  �
�Yes, I do. I’m completely in love with you,” I said calmly. She nodded pressing her lips together, as her eyebrows lifted. “Can’t you tell?” She looked away from me and nodded slowly.

  “Of course I can tell, honey,” she whispered. “I wish you weren’t, though.”

  “Why?” I couldn’t imagine what she was thinking or why she said something so cruel.

  “Because it makes everything so much more complicated,” she answered. I shook my head.

  “No. It can be simple if you want it to be. You just have to leave him and be with me,” I said, grinning like the biggest idiot imaginable because I believed, even after what she’d just told me, that she wanted me the way I wanted her. She shook her head.

  “Didn’t you hear me? Weren’t you listening? I told you already. I’m not one of those people,” she snapped. “And neither are you, Sylvie, so get that idea out of your head. I wouldn’t feel this way about you if you were one of those girls.”

  “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with those women, Lara. They’re just honest,” I managed. “We don’t have to cut our hair or…”

  “It’s no way to live,” she interrupted me. “I’ve been playing this game longer than you have, so I’ve had a chance to think it through. I understand all the consequences.” I shook my head. “Look, I don’t want to lose my family, or my friends. My mother, she let it roll off her back today, because she knows this isn’t really what I am. If I chose that life, I’d lose her, and my father, and all of my friends, everyone I care for. It would be as if I didn’t exist anymore, as if I had died, or were nothing. I can’t live that way, outside of everything, alone.” I shook my head again. “And I don’t want that for you either, honey.”

  “But we would have each other,” I said pleadingly. “We’ll exist for each other, and eventually they’ll get over it. You’ll see.”

  “They wouldn’t. And it’s not only them.” She sighed. “Baby, I’m pregnant again.” I stiffened and sat back from her.