Faltering

by Jennifer Lyndon

  “Jesus, Lara.” I didn’t know what to say. My heart started pounding against my ribs as I considered the fact I was now homeless.

  “We’ll just have to buy a car.”

  She opened the car door and shifted out of the backseat suddenly, leaving me to digest my shock in peace. I watched through the rear window as she hurried around back to discuss our options with Phil. I couldn’t make out her words, just the cadence of her soft voice, followed by his deeper tones. After a few minutes she came back around and scooted into the backseat next to me again. I waited for her to explain what was going on, but she seemed unaware of my curiosity. She was too deeply immersed in her decision making process to note my confusion.

  “Tell me what’s going on,” I demanded.

  “What?” she asked, looking up at me, her distracted state obvious. She cocked her head to the side and let her eyes move over me. “I can’t let Mother find us. If she gets one look at us, you’re pregnant with a bastard, and I’ve officially miscarried yet again. She’ll ruin everything. I can’t let that happen.”

  “Then Mrs. Elgin’s here, in Chicago,” I observed. “Is that what has you so out of sorts?”

  “She called the hotel trying to track me down. They didn’t give her any information, of course, but she’ll find us soon enough anyway. Mother’s relentless. She must have hired a detective or something. I’ve been careful not to let her know where I am.”

  “Why?”

  “She wants me to come home, of course. She’s worried I’m not taking proper care of myself. Mostly, she’s afraid I’ll lose the baby, or that I’ll have another breakdown. That’s what she calls it, my breakdown,” Lara said sharply, raising her eyebrows. “I’m not a piece of machinery, and I didn’t breakdown. Nothing about me was broken, I was simply unhappy,” she added distractedly. “You understand, don’t you, Sylvie?” she asked, her gaze too direct suddenly.

  I was about to answer her when Phil opened the driver’s door, capturing her attention. He sat in the car, closed his door and then turned to look back at Lara. “So, what will it be, boss? Cadillac or Olds?” Lara shook her head.

  “Please, Phil, I’m not an old woman,” she said lightly before chuckling. “Can you honestly see me driving an Oldsmobile or a Cadillac? My mother-in-law drives a giant Oldsmobile, and my mother a Cadillac.”

  “Okay, something smaller, sleeker. What about one of those little two door BMW coupes? They’re powerful, and fast.” Lara smiled.

  “Yum, two of my favorite things. Sounds perfect. I think I’ll get a red one,” she said, her tone lightening as she grinned. He nodded and turned back around, leaving us to our conversation.

  “Do you think she’s here, Lara?” I asked quietly.

  “I haven’t the slightest idea where Mother is, and we’re not sticking around and find out. We’re heading somewhere she won’t think to look. I’m not quite sure where that is yet, but I’m certainly not leaving a money trail for her to follow this time.”

  We spent the better part of the day between the bank and the BMW dealership as Lara wired money and ordered a cashier’s check for the car. She didn’t end up with a red one as she planned because there wasn’t one available. We had to choose between the dark green with beige leather and the silver with ox blood leather. Both were parked inside the dealership. I was certain she would go for the green one, but she turned to me.

  “Which do you prefer, baby?” I shrugged and turned, watching Phil who was outside in the cold unpacking our luggage from the trunk of that big black Cadillac. I was sure our luggage requirements would exceed the trunk space of the sporty little car. “Sylvie?” I stared at the cars and then back to her, picturing her behind the wheel.

  “I prefer the silver one,” I said, cutting through my own distraction.

  She nodded and left me standing by the cars as she went to finalize the deal. A shiver of nervousness worked its way down my spine as I contemplated our next move. Lara wanted to leave Chicago. It wasn’t yet clear in what direction we would head, but it didn’t matter. Whatever direction we took would be into the unknown. My footing felt tenuous. The notion of simply leaving my carefully constructed life behind was making me extremely nervous. My heart beat powerfully in my chest, and then, for the first time, there was a tickling sort of flutter in my abdomen. In the next instant the world had gone quiet as I cradled my belly with both hands, trying to feel her move again. Suddenly she was real to me, not simply a nuisance, hijacking my body, making me miserable and sick, and disrupting my life, but a real, living person, moving around inside of me. I’m uncertain how long I stood frozen in that pose, or who all may have noticed, but before I remembered the rest of the world existed, Lara was beside me, tugging gently at my arm.

  “Are you all right?” I looked up to meet her eyes and nodded. “You felt her, didn’t you?” A slow smile spread across my face and Lara placed both hands against my cheeks, grinning before kissing me squarely on the lips. “I know. It’s truly amazing the first time that happens,” she whispered close to me. I nodded. “Come on, baby. We need you inside to sign some paperwork.”

  Lara had worked it out in her head that we would be able to avoid her mother far more easily if the car was put in my name, as opposed to hers. She was beyond reasoning with, so I suddenly became the shocked, unwilling, owner of that extremely expensive, and highly impractical, little German car. I told her she would have to let me give it back to her when all of this was over, but she just rolled her eyes and went to find Phil, leaving me alone with a haughty salesman who did nothing to ease my discomfort.

  Forty-five minutes later we were leaving Chicago, my adopted home, under a dark grey, overcast sky, with the threat of snow, hanging above us. Most of the day was gone already. The cityscape gradually dissolved into suburbia as I stared out the window, wondering what we were doing. Lara’s leather clad hands held the shiny wooden steering wheel with a sort of loose ease. My gaze shifted to her profile, noting her high flat forehead and sharp delicate nose over a plump upper lip. Biting her lower lip loosely, she seemed lost in thought, until her voice broke the silence that had grown up between us.

  “Do you mind driving in awhile, Sylvie?” I shook my head in answer, though she wasn’t looking at me. “We’ll be covering quite a lot of highway. If we could take turns it would really help.”

  “How much highway?” I asked, my curiosity finally getting the better of me. She’d made all of these plans without my involvement. I thought it strange she should want to allow me the autonomy of actually driving.

  “Not really sure, more than a thousand miles, I’m guessing. I’ll buy a map when we stop for gas,” she explained. I nodded. “I’d like for us to be in St. Louis before we stop for the night. The sign back there said it was in this direction.” I nodded again and turned to look out the window at the landscape. “Will you help with the driving then?” she asked again.

  “I don’t know how to drive,” I answered. “I’ve never needed to, before.”

  “Well there’s nothing to it. You push the right pedal to go and the left to stop. Try not to hit anything, and keep in between the lines,” she explained. I rolled my eyes at the obvious over-simplification. “Anyone with enough sense and coordination to tie their own shoes can drive a car.”

  “Lara. I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I replied.

  “You should take the first few hours, that way I can see that you get the hang of it, before it’s dark,” she continued. I stared at her. “How about it, honey? You up for it?” I looked at the road ahead as I considered. The sky was growing darker, but the road looked relatively straight just ahead of us. I was unable to see around the next bend, though. There were hardly any other cars on the road, probably because a serious storm was threatening its arrival, but at least that meant I was unlikely to hit someone in the event I was really bad at driving.

  “All right. I’ll give it a try,” I replied. She slowed the car and eased off onto the shoulder.

 
“I think it’s better if we start this before the storm gets here, and while it’s still light out,” she explained. I was relieved she’d noticed the weather. For a while I thought she was oblivious to it, so wrapped up was she inside her own mind. She got out of the car and came around to my door, the wind whipping her pale hair loose around her so it swathed across her face and then twisted away with the momentum of the gust. The door swung open forcefully, caught by a sharp gale, and she reached her hand out to me as the bitterly cold wind sliced across my face. “You ready?” she asked. I took her hand and found my feet, standing in her way for a moment to hold her attention.

  “Are you sure about this?” I asked nervously, projecting over the sound of the wind and forcing myself to stand against the bluster.

  “About teaching you to drive?” she asked in response. I shook my head.

  “Are you sure we should be setting out on this mad trip?” I clarified. She grinned.

  “Is this a ‘mad trip’?” she asked, laughing. I could hardly hear the sound of her laughter over the howling wind. “I like that. You think I’ve gone crazy again, don’t you, Sylvie?” I watched her skeptically as the wind tore through her hair. She looked a little crazed at that moment.

  “You haven’t even told me where we’re going,” I shouted. She nodded and moved me out of her way.

  “It’s too cold to stand out here discussing it,” she said. I nodded and trotted around the car to the drivers’ side. When I was securely inside the car I turned to look at her, expectantly.

  “Lara?”

  “Put on your seatbelt first, Sylvie,” she said. “Always wear your seatbelt.” I looked down and found the shiny strip of materiel and buckled it across my lap. When I finished I looked up at her waiting for further instruction. “I’m not crazy, my love. I just want us out of this cold miserable winter. I think Southern California will be nice.” I shook my head. “It’s always warm and sunny there.”

  “But that’s the other side of the world.” She cocked her head to the side and smiled at me.

  “No, Sylvie, China’s the other side of the world. And I’d even take you there if I thought it was necessary, but California is far enough, I think. Anyway, you told me you wanted to see L.A., and I thought we could experience it together, before everything changes.” I stared at the dashboard and wrapped my fingers around the steering wheel before glancing over at her expectantly.

  “All right, then let’s go,” I said.

  “Okay, the first thing you need to do is put the car in drive. That’s the shifter,” she said, pointing to the little knob, her tone changing to that of an instructor. “Only use your right foot. To start, keep your right foot on the brake. That’s the left pedal.” I nodded. Since I hadn’t been living under a rock, I already knew that much about driving. “That’s it. Now put it in drive,” she added. I did as I was told, experiencing a mild thrill as I let my foot ease up on the brake and the car edged forward. For the first time in my life, I was driving a car. “Now, gently ease your right foot down on the right pedal,” she said as the car gained momentum.

  I got the hang of it quickly. Driving was really quite a lot easier than I expected it to be, except for the occasional gust of wind that pushed me from my lane. Somehow we stayed in front of the storm, though. After an hour or so, once Lara was confident I knew what I was doing, she dozed off. A few hours after dark when we arrived in Fairmont City, Illinois, Lara was still fast asleep. I pulled off at a roadside motel and very carefully eased to a stop before shifting the car into park. Then I shook her shoulder gently to wake her. She looked up groggily at the bright neon sign flashing in on her through the windshield.

  “Sylvie, baby?” She blinked against the bright light and yawned, stretching in what seemed an exaggeration. “Where are we?”

  “Fairmont City,” I answered her. “This motel has a vacancy sign on. I’m getting a little tired.” She nodded and reached in the back for her purse.

  “Okay. Fairmont it is,” she agreed.

  The air was strangely still and the stars bright overhead. The landscape appeared flat and open in the darkness. I was relieved when we were given a room close enough to the office that I didn’t have to move the car. The idea of parking was still a little intimidating to me. Lara collected a small bag from the trunk, one she’d prepared for overnight stops, and hurried after me.

  The room was quite a departure from The Drake, with dark paneled wood walls and dingy brown carpet. She drew back the stiff orange curtains to let the outside light in, instantly changing the character of the room from derelict to seedy as the neon light spilled in around us. She moved over to one of the beds and lifted the ugly orange and yellow patterned bedspread back. I thought I read distaste in her eyes as she stared at the two small beds, but then she smiled and held her head to the side as if considering something of great importance. I waited for some revelation as the side of her mouth lifted into a coy smile.

  “Are you hungry?” she asked finally. Those weren’t the words I’d expected from her, but I couldn’t have told you what I thought she would say. I simply nodded. She’d been sleeping all afternoon while I concentrated on keeping the car at the right speed and between the lines. It never occurred to me to stop for food. She went over to the window and scanned the area beyond the parking lot. “Look at that kitschy little diner right across the street.”

  I followed her gaze to a twenty-four hour roadside restaurant. The neon sign from outside was flashing into the room, giving our surroundings an intermittent, preternatural, glow. When she turned her back to it, the light colored her hair, first orange and then pink in alternating pulses. I caught her shoulders in my hands and guided her over to the small bed. “The sign says open twenty-four hours,” I whispered, adding, “Let’s eat later.” Her fingers were already working quickly to free the buttons of my blouse.

  ****

  We were on the road early the next morning, and headed to St. Louis. I wanted to see the Gateway Arch, and Lara wanted to buy a camera. A few hours later we stood arm in arm beside the arch as some random woman snapped our picture. Lara was grinning as she returned the favor, snapping careful shots of the tourist and her husband. I liked Lara’s easy manners, and the way the sunlight had brightened her complexion to a rosy hue by noon. She was stunning. She caught me staring at her and batted her eyelashes, in exaggerated flirtation, before coming over to take my hand loosely in hers.

  “I know I’m being obvious, but I can’t help it,” I said close to her ear. She smiled and shook her head.

  “I like it when you’re obvious,” she whispered. “Besides, there’s no one around to notice but me.” She released my hand as she leaned in to kiss my cheek. “It gets so tiresome, hiding all the time.” My cheeks heated up as she pushed back to focus her camera on me. “I feel incredible today, but do you think our neighbors at the motel got any sleep last night?” My eyes shot up to her face in surprise, and she snapped another picture.

  “You’ll waste all your film on me,” I objected.

  She shook her head. “Why do you think I bought the camera? I want to hold on to every second with you. When you left me, I only had the pictures from your graduation. You hardly look yourself in them, so stern and lofty,” she explained.

  “Well, I’d rather see your face than that camera lens,” I replied. She lowered the camera and smiled. She then wrapped an arm around me, extending the camera in front of us to take a picture as she kissed my cheek. “We should probably get on the road if we want to make it across Missouri today,” I suggested when she backed up, carefully focusing the lens to take another picture of me.

  Earlier that morning we’d sat together on the tiny single bed we’d shared, and I watched as she drew a red line on the map, determining our route. I knew we had hours of driving ahead of us.

  “I want to see the Jewel Box before we go,” she responded. I nodded. “We can stop for a quick bite to eat on the way.”

  ****

  After t
he Gateway Arch we headed to Forest Park, to see a fascinating glass structure which was actually a green house, though it was so large such a description of it doesn’t seem to suit. This exquisite glass house, called the Jewel Box, was filled with tall trees and exotic flowers of every bright color. Plants hung from the ceiling, and there was an impressive fountain in the center. I never wanted to leave the place and kept thinking of ways to delay our departure. Finally though, we had to get on the road. Our goal was to cross the state by nightfall.

  Lara did most of the driving across Missouri, and we reached Carthage that evening. Straightaway Lara settled on seeing a movie at the drive in theatre we spotted along the roadside. On impulse we pulled into the theatre lot. It was playing One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and we bought popcorn, Junior Mints and orange soda for our dinner. I felt like the kid I’d never been, having nothing but junk to eat.

  At the beginning of the film Lara joked that the mental hospital portrayed was nothing like the one she’d been in. She said she might have stayed a little longer if it had been remotely as entertaining or decorated half so well. She was feeling frisky, mentioning how she’d always fantasized about having sex at a drive-in, but hadn’t, because her dates were always with boys. After the movie turned darker, Lara grew really quiet, and stopped flirting with me all together. As the story progressed through greater levels of abuse she became rigid next to me, her fingers gripping mine tightly. We filed out quietly behind the gridlock of other cars after the film finished, neither of us voicing our thoughts.

  When we walked into our motel room this time the seediness of the place lacked that magical varnish we’d created the night before. The room was cold, and we could hear another couple arguing in the room neighboring ours. Though there was only one bed this time, a double, I might have been alone in it. Lara turned her back to me and clung to the edge of the bed, apparently not wanting me to touch her. I wrapped a pillow around my head trying to block out the argument echoing through our room. When the yelling had not ceased by two that morning Lara finally dragged herself out of bed to go and request another room on the other side of the motel. In the end, we didn’t get to sleep until nearly four that morning. As a result we slept very late. It was almost noon by the time we checked out. There was nothing really to see in Carthage, as far as we could tell, so we headed out without a glance back.