Faltering

by Jennifer Lyndon

  “They’re beautiful. Are they silver?”

  “Most everything I make is silver. Gold costs too much. People will only pay for the little trinkets,” she explained. I heard the door open and Lara stepped back in the store. She walked over to the counter where I was looking at the jewelry. Talise seemed suddenly shy, so I drew Lara’s attention away from her.

  “Lara, why don’t you see if you like these pants?” I asked as I led her back over to the dressing area. “I think they would be perfect on you.” I collected the soft cream pants Talise had shown me and held them up. A hesitant smile spread across Lara’s face, but she nodded. I tried on the pants Talise had shown me in the other dressing room, and stepped out to get Lara’s opinion. I couldn’t help staring at her. She so rarely wore pants.

  “You look good enough to eat,” she whispered. I could feel her voice, a tingle in my skin.

  “You do too,” I finally managed. She laughed lightly and touched my cheek before going back to the dressing room to change. She looked around at the rest of the clothes and selected a beaded bag, as well as some mukluks. I collected everything at the counter and had Talise ring it up, as Lara took a last spin through the store. When she realized I was paying, an amused sort of smile crossed her features. The bill was far less than I’d expected though because Talise gave me her employee discount.

  Lara wrapped her fingers around my forearm as we walked back to the hotel from the store.

  “That girl. You talked to her for a while,” Lara observed. I nodded. “She wasn’t watching us then?” I walked along beside her, trying to decide what to tell her. Talise had definitely seen us, but I hadn’t felt threatened by it. “I got scared for nothing, I guess.” she sighed.

  “You were really worried?” I asked.

  “Obviously. It was reckless of me, kissing you like that. I don’t know what got into me.”

  “Would it really matter so much if someone saw us?” I asked. She shook her head and glanced at me as we walked.

  “Of course it would matter, Sylvie. I don’t know what I was thinking. When that old man left, I assumed we were alone. I lost my mind for a moment.” She laughed faintly. “I’ve never forgotten myself like that before. I’m usually scanning people, constantly, to make sure they don’t figure out what we are.”

  “What are we?” I asked nervously.

  “Sylvie, you know what I mean,” she said, shaking her head.

  “But why does it matter if people know we love each other? Who are we hurting?”

  “You’re not quite that naïve,” she said sharply. “You know there are laws against two women being together.”

  “What?” I asked, startled. What she said didn’t make sense to me. I stopped in my tracks.

  “You really don’t know?” she asked, her expression softening. I shook my head. “They’re called sodomy laws, though that hardly seems appropriate. I’ve never sodomized you.” Suddenly my stomach started churning, as if I might be sick. “Regardless, people have been imprisoned for what we do together.”

  “But why? That makes no sense,” I said quickly.

  “I don’t know why, baby,” she replied, looking away from me. “I shouldn’t have I told you. Just try not to think about it.”

  “How do you know all of this?” I asked. She pulled at my arm to get me to move again.

  “Walk with me,” she said gently. I started moving again, matching her step. “The first time Mother caught me with a girl she lost it, crying, screaming about sin and the bible, and how I was going to hell. I didn’t even know we were a religious family. I thought church was a social thing. I remember shutting her out as she lectured me, for hours. She told my father when he got home, but his response was different. He handled it the way any lawyer would, I guess. He didn’t say a word, but took me into his study where he had this large book, The Louisiana Civil Code, open on his desk. He flipped through it and then pointed out a line to me. He made me stand in front of him and read the statute aloud to him. It was all about genitals and oral and anal contact and penetration between people of the same sex, and even, which was confusing, the opposite sex.

  “It wasn’t very clear, except that somehow wanting Rickie Lee in the way I wanted her is wrong. It’s so wrong it’s not just bad in the eyes of god, and my family, it’s also against the law. I couldn’t read those words aloud without stammering and shaking. It must have taken me thirty minutes to read that paragraph aloud, the whole time my father’s dark eyes burned into me with palpable disgust. I just kept thinking, over and over, that all I’d done was kiss a girl. I’d wanted to touch her breasts, but I hadn’t. And I definitely hadn’t touched her in the areas specified in the Louisiana Civil Code. Those words made me wonder, though. What if I’d slipped my hand under her skirt? Would that have made me a criminal? Would Rickie Lee become a criminal simply because I touched her?”

  “Jesus, Lara.”

  “I couldn’t even look at my father after that, much less speak to him. I don’t think I’ve had a real conversation with him since that evening,” she added quietly.

  “Is that when they sent you off to school?” I asked. She shook her head.

  “No, Mother was forgiving. She gave me a chance to straighten out. She called Rickie Lee’s mother, Mrs. Hinton, and Rickie Lee wasn’t allowed to have anything to do with me after. In fact Mrs. Hinton called the mothers of all of my friends, so I was isolated. I started running around with a girl named Carly, whose mother wasn’t in the Junior League. Carly had a reputation for being fast, but honestly, I was the fast one. It wasn’t long before I wanted Carly the way I’d wanted Rickie Lee. Carly was sharp, and her mother was always drunk, so we had little supervision most of the time. Anyway, she snuck some gin over to my house one afternoon, and we got tipsy, and careless, listening to her Elvis record. And I didn’t mean for it to happen, well, at least not at my house, but before I knew what I was doing, we were making out on my bed. I remember her body pressed to mine, her thighs gripping my leg as she moved against me, her hands moving under my sweater, making me crazy. It wasn’t like before. With Rickie Lee I’d been naive, hesitant even, but I knew exactly what I wanted with Carly. We didn’t have time though. Mother walked in on us before I could get Carly separated from her clothes,” Lara said, grinning. “I thought they really would kill me that time. Father knocked me halfway across the room when he took the back of his hand across my face. He told me I was filth. Mother couldn’t even stand to look at me, much less listen to my empty promises that I’d never behave that way again.”

  “And the next day I wandered into your room,” I said. She nodded. “Why did you kiss me that day? Was it defiance?” She shook her head and shrugged.

  “I don’t know, Sylvie.”

  “You wanted to get back at your mother and father, I guess,” I offered.

  “No, baby, that had nothing to do with you.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you were reacting against them,” I insisted. She shook her head.

  “No. You were this perfect, beautiful, untouched girl. It was the way you looked at me, with wide pale blue eyes, and didn’t see filth or perversion. In your eyes I was admirable, lovable even. You made me realize, even as screwed up as everything had become, that the world was still turning. My life wasn’t over. I fell in love with you a little that day. Suddenly, all I wanted was to make you feel beautiful, and to see your sweet smile. It made me unbearably happy to make you smile. It still does,” she explained.

  “You wanted to see me smile, so you kissed me?” I asked, not buying her explanation. Her expression changed as she absorbed my sarcasm. She looked slightly frightened. I was so stirred up I couldn’t seem to think and walk at the same time. I noticed a bench ahead of us and made my way over to it. She followed, about a step behind me.

  “I know you were young, Sylvie, but so was I. And I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” she said, speaking quickly, nervously. “Did I? Do you think I hurt you?” I stood in front of the benc
h, thinking back, sifting through my memories of that day, trying to find an improper thought or impulse, anything inappropriate which may have gone through my mind, however fleetingly. There was nothing. All I remembered was feeling important, and beautiful. She had made me feel good about myself at a time when I found little to be confident about. She was clearly upset as she waited for me to respond, taking a step back from me as if preparing for a blow.

  I raised my hand to push her hair back from her face, but she flinched away from me. “Don’t,” she warned. “Not out here where people can see us.” I nodded and dropped my hand before sinking down onto the bench. “Do you blame me?” She fidgeted nervously with one of the buttons on her shirt, unable to look me in the eye.

  “Blame you for what?”

  “Do you think I…that I corrupted you?” she asked quietly.

  “Of course not, Lara.” She let out a deep sigh, her shoulders relaxing. It was only as the tension left her body that I realized how anxious she’d become. “I’m not corrupted. We aren’t bad because we love each other.”

  She sat beside me, but cautiously kept her distance. “Thank god,” she murmured.

  “Is that what you think?” I asked. She turned to watch me, her expression guarded. “Do you think you made me like this, that you made me a lesbian?” She flinched as I spoke the word we both avoided.

  “Careful, Sylvie,” she said under her breath. I nodded and offered her my hand. She stared at it for a moment, before seizing it between both of hers.

  “Why can’t you say the word?” I asked.

  “Because it’s just not that simple,” she whispered. We sat quietly together for a few minutes, and then she smiled at me before leaning her head lightly against my shoulder for a moment, speaking close to my ear. “All I know is, I love you.”

  ****

  Lara wanted a spa day at the hotel we were staying in, but I was uncomfortable with the idea of allowing a stranger to touch my belly, even in a spa setting. I told Lara to go ahead, that I would spend the day shopping, and maybe reading, if I could locate a bookstore or a library. Once I found myself alone in our room, my mind drifted back to Talise. I wondered how she could have been so casual after what she witnessed between Lara and me, and if she was different in the way we were. As I lay across the bed Lara and I had enthusiastically wrecked that morning, breathing deeply to inhale the scent of her, still clinging to the sheets, it occurred to me that Talise may know more about this world I was stumbling through than either Lara or I did.

  As I dressed, I tried to imagine how to broach such a topic with someone who was basically a stranger to me. I thought my way through several attempts before realizing I was only making myself nervous. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I burned the image of my rounded belly into my mind. Hiding my condition with strategic clothing was becoming more difficult daily, making me doubt that anyone was fooled by my attempts at that point. Still, I grabbed a large baja pullover, a purchase from the previous day, and tugged it over my head, hoping it might offer some camouflage. I then headed out to the little shop where Talise worked.

  I spotted her slick black curtain of hair immediately as I walked in, but she was busy. The old man was working too. It occurred to me that she might be too busy to talk to me, so I headed over to her jewelry counter to look at her work. As I browsed intricate little figurines done of bears, bobcats, and wolves, I decided to buy something for Lara. A necklace would be a good choice, I decided, one that would emphasize her slender neck and prominent clavicle. Imagining pressing my lips to her throat as I continued to study the jewelry. My mind wandered to images of Lara, distracting me, and before I noticed her approach, Talise was standing beside me.

  “Sylvie, right?” she asked shyly. Her voice had startled me out of my musing. I glanced up at her awkwardly.

  “Hi, Talise,” I answered. “I’m trying to choose something for Lara.” She nodded. “I was thinking of a necklace, possibly.”

  “Do you see anything you like?”

  “I like everything,” I said quietly. “Your work is beautiful. Lara really only wears gold, though,” I offered quietly.

  “Then you should let me make something for her. That is if you’ll be here a few more days,” she replied.

  “What would you make?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, grinning at me. “You’ll have to tell me what she would like. I have my lunch break in about twenty minutes. If you wait, we can talk about it, and maybe have lunch together.” I nodded, though I was unsure. She seemed to pick up on my hesitancy. “Where is Lara?”

  “She’s getting a massage, I think, having a spa day.” Talise nodded, her black eyes lighting up as she suppressed another grin.

  “So, you’ll wait for me?” she asked, confirming. I nodded, this time with more confidence.

  She left me alone and headed over to talk to the old man she worked for. Afterward, she disappeared into the back for a while before returning with a box of blankets. The box was quite dusty, and marked made in Korea prominently on the side. I laughed to myself, remembering Talise’s purchasing advice. Apparently the blankets were a hot item, since she was restocking them. I lingered for about fifteen minutes as she arranged the blankets and tidied up the store. Finally, I went outside to wait on a bench near the front of the store. About five minutes later Talise emerged, her hands shoved deep into her pockets as she approached me. She gestured for me to get up as she came over, and I fell in stride with her as we started walking in the opposite direction of the square.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “I thought we’d eat at my place,” she answered softly. “It’s not too far.”

  “What about a restaurant?” I suggested.

  “I’d rather not. Too many tourists,” she said. I nodded. “Besides, I want to show you the rest of my jewelry, so I can get an idea of what you’d like for Lara.” I took in her earnest expression as she waited for my approval.

  “All right,” I acquiesced.

  “Tell me about her if you don’t mind,” she suggested. I nodded.

  “She’s smart,” I said, knowing my answer was inadequate. “Strong too,” I added.

  “How do you feel when you’re with her?”

  “Happy,” I said, smiling in spite of my nervousness. “She’s easy to be with, and seems to know what I’m thinking most of the time.”

  “What about the physical? What flashes through your head when you’re with her?” I stopped walking and stared over at Talise, shocked by her question. “Relax,” she said softly. “I’m just trying to get at your connection. She’s not your sister, Sylvie, or even your best friend. The energy that holds you to this woman is unique.” I nodded without meeting her eyes. “Listen, you can give her some trinket that you’d give to your mom, or you can give her something powerful, something real.” I nodded again.

  “I’ve never tried to put it in words,” I almost whispered. I swallowed hard as I tried to summon the audacity to answer this strange girl. “It’s as if she’s consuming me and sustaining me at the same time.” I glanced over at Talise to determine whether or not what I’d said made sense. “Sometimes it’s so perfect between us, I think I’ll die from her. She fills me with fire, thick, molten honey, pumping through my veins.” Talise nodded and started walking again. I took a couple of long strides to catch up with her. “And when I’m away from her, the world is slightly out of focus, duller and colder, without flavor.” Talise turned from the road at the fence and led me up the walkway of a small adobe house.

  “This is it,” she said gently as she caught my upper arm to turn me. I followed nervously, waiting for her to comment on my words. “How long have you two been together?”

  “I’ve known her since I was a child,” I said. She opened the door without glancing at me and walked through, leaving it ajar for me to follow.

  “So you’ve been together a long time?” Talise observed. I shook my head and followed her back into her little house, t
o the kitchen. She started a flurry of activity before my eyes, preparing to cook for us.

  “I’ve been in love with her since I was thirteen,” I said, suddenly feeling freer to talk, as Talise was only half focused upon me at that point.

  “That’s a long time,” she said softly.

  “I’m not sure what we are to each other, though. She never says anything concrete,” I observed. Talise smiled. “She was married the first time we…” I stopped awkwardly, wondering why I was confessing my sins to this stranger.

  “But she’s not married now?” Talise observed. I shook my head. “Are you unsure of her?” I shrugged.

  “I’m pregnant,” I said softly, as if that explained everything.

  “Yes. I noticed,” she replied, grinning at me as she measured rice for the two of us. “I thought I’d make rice with peppers and lentils, unless you’re in a hurry.”

  “No. I have time,” I said.

  “Are you still involved with the father?” she asked. I shook my head. “And she’s not married anymore. Does she have a problem with your being pregnant?”

  “No. She’s excited about the baby, wants to adopt her,” I explained.

  “That sounds concrete,” Talise observed.

  “Maybe,” I replied. She nodded, a crinkle forming between her eyebrows.

  I watched this almost stranger gather the ingredients, the crinkle remaining as though she wanted to ask another question. The lentils were put on the stove to boil in a pot next to the rice. She then chopped onion into small pieces before slicing bright red peppers. I watched her precise movements as she began to sauté the onions and peppers together. After a few minutes she looked up at me.

  “What makes you uneasy about her?” she asked, finally. I sighed, a nervous sensation passing over me.

  “I asked her to start a life with me once, before. She wouldn’t even consider it. The idea was ridiculous to her. She says she can’t live that way. She’s very social. Being with me is just a diversion from her life, an escape, I think.” Talise watched me, waiting for me to continue. “Lara and I come from different worlds. My mamma worked as a maid in her home. That’s how we know one another. And she’s a few of years older than I am. There has always been an imbalance between us.” Talise nodded and then looked down at the onions and peppers, stirring them in the skillet occasionally. The smell was beginning to make my mouth water. “She’s very wealthy. I’ve had to struggle for everything my entire life, whereas she can buy a new car without a second thought.”