Accidentally Ever After (Accidentally Paranormal Novel Book 11)

by Dakota Cassidy

  The fairy screeched her outrage, rising high in the air like an enormous half human, half butterfly, her wings pounding out a throbbing beat. Pushing her legs together, she made an arrow of her body and shot forward at Toni, the wind whistling like a missile launching as she raced forward.

  Toni! She’s headed right for your damn head. Duck, you idiot!

  But her body was all like, Fuck that. Why not just jump up and catch a bitch midair like you’ve suddenly been drafted in the NBA?

  Her legs didn’t falter; her feet no longer ached with that dull throb. Instead, they felt as if someone had injected them with adrenaline as she fell to her haunches and pushed off, leaping upward and looping her arm around the torpedoing fairy’s neck.

  “Gotcha!” she roared, launching her to the ground, throwing her with such strength, the fairy’s body left an imprint on the meadow’s floor.

  Landing solidly on her feet, Toni wasted no time in jumping on top of her and pinning her to the cold earth, straddling her hips.

  Victorious, she grabbed hold of the fairy’s feathery bodice and yanked her upward. “Who the fuck are you and what do you want?” she roared in her perfectly proportioned face.

  “Toni!” A voice from far, far away, laced in frantic tones, yelled, “Let go of her, for shit’s sake!”

  Nina? What was Nina doing in the meadow? No. It was another trick. It wasn’t really Nina.

  Hands slipped under her armpits and began dragging her from the fairy, but Toni fought the notion she might not get the answers she needed. So she struggled, but the arms were stronger, pulling her, tugging her, and all the while yelling, “Toni! Wake up!”

  “Milady! Come back!” Jon bellowed, his strong hand cupping her cheek.

  Come back? From?

  Cold water from out of nowhere splashed her in the face. Toni sputtered and coughed, fighting to open her eyes as she swiped at them with her fingers.

  “Toni, honey? Wake up! It’s me, Wanda. Look at me!”

  Her eyes flew open to find herself back in the Garden of Wings with everyone staring down at her, worry marring their expressions.

  “What happened?”

  “One minute ye were here with us, the next ye disappeared into thin air, lass,” Dannan said, his blue face concerned. “We followed the sound of the crash yer body made when ye landed on the ground. Where did ye go?”

  Toni shook her head. “I don’t know! It’s like you said, I was here and you all were singing Christmas carols and then I was in my grandmother’s meadow…”

  So now someone was just snatching her up?

  Jon’s face came into her line of vision next, his eyes troubled, his hand cupping her jaw. “Toni, are you all right?”

  She didn’t have time to waste lingering on the fact that his hand felt pretty damn good on her skin. She was out for blood. The blood of a lying fairy.

  “Where’s the damn fairy?”

  Jon pointed over his shoulder with clear hesitance. “I’m afraid you’ve maimed the Truth Fairy, milady.”

  “The Truth Fairy? Seriously?” she asked, spitting at the water dribbling down her face and over the front of her gown.

  “Of course, lass,” Dannan responded, kneeling down to place his hulking frame in front of her. “The king uses her oft to parse the liars from the truth sayers. ’Tis important when creating armies to keep our lands safe.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, the Truth Fairy just tried to kill me with her ninja fireballs.”

  “That’s not true!” a diminutive, weak voice protested from behind Jon.

  “Liar, liar, wings on fire!” Toni croaked, her throat raw.

  And then Marty and Wanda gasped.

  Toni’s eyes flew to the fairy lying on the ground as she began to return to her normally petite size—well, except for her nose. Her nose sprouted from her face like the pointy end of a carrot.

  Jon pulled Toni upward, tucking her close to his chest in a possessive gesture she wasn’t up to fighting. “What say you, fairy? Does the maiden speak the truth?”

  Flitting upward, her head rolled on her neck as she warred with the weight of her nose. Pressing her tiny hands to each cheeks, she held her head upright to keep it from lolling. “Look what you’ve done!” she screeched in outrage.

  Toni was astonished, her eyes going wide. The nerve. The damn nerve. “What I’ve done?”

  “You’ve stolen my powers!” the fairy squeaked. “I can feel it! Disgusting humans! The lot of you!”

  Dannan plucked her from the air and eyeballed her. “Did the queen send ye?” he growled.

  Her legs dangled as she tried to shake her head. “No!”

  Dannan looked to Toni, his blue face stoic. “She speaks the truth, maiden.”

  Regaining some of her energy, Toni planted her hands on her hips. “You know this how?”

  “Look at her nose—it hasn’t grown again. She speaks no falsehoods,” he said, as though they should already know that bit of information.

  Toni’s brain raced through her vast array of fairytales and she suddenly remembered. “Pinocchio?” she asked on a shout.

  Dannan’s brow furrowed, his head cocked as his fluted ears wagged. “Whom?”

  Toni narrowed her gaze at the fairy. “Is that how you tell if the king’s army is lying? By making their noses grow?” she asked.

  Jon looked down at her with what she thought might be a hint of pride, secretly making her a little giddy. “’Tis exactly the way, Toni. How did you know this?”

  Toni rolled her eyes, forgetting everything was upside down here. “Same old song. It’s similar to a fairytale back in my land. But I’m telling you, this fire-slinging winged nut launched a fireball at me! It’s not my nose that’s bigger than my head, now is it, you teeny-tiny winged terror? No. It’s yours, which means you’re lying. I didn’t steal anything from you!”

  The fairy struggled against Dannan’s grip, her little body swinging to and fro like a festive pendulum. “But you did! Now you have the power to prove falsehoods. What will I dooo?” she cried.

  Toni cocked her head to the right and paused to put this new revelation together. Yesterday, she’d fought a dragon. Today a fairy. She’d come away from the first battle with the ability to breathe fire. Now she had the ability to find out when people were lying by making their noses grow?

  Where was this bag o’ tricks when she’d tried to prove Stas was lying about being a killer?

  “So you’re telling me I’m the new Truth Fairy?”

  “Arghhhhh!” the fairy screamed, writhing and twisting to no avail.

  Toni didn’t have time to focus on the particulars; what she needed was to get to the root of the problem. This Angria and her grudge. “So why would you try to trick me into going with you if you don’t work for the queen and weren’t planning to take me to her? What’s the dealio here, Truth Fairy? What’s your motivation?”

  “Greed!” a voice boomed, shaking the snow and leaves from the trees as a long staff crashed to the ground in front of their feet.

  Ding-dong, fairytale character number three calling…

  Chapter 7

  The Truth Fairy shrunk in Dannan’s fingers, her eyes wide and full of terror. “Ellesandra, my queen!” she gasped.

  “Silence!” the woman ordered, stomping her staff once more.

  So this must be the Blue Fairy? Interesting.

  Her hair was the color of the rainbow, falling to the ground to sweep at her feet in swaths of curls. Long robes in every shade of blue imaginable fell in graceful folds about her rounded body, and on her back, magnificent wings of gold throbbed.

  Her eyes were a beautiful shade of violet, full of liquid warmth and concern, her round face soft and plump. She wasn’t at all small like the Truth Fairy, in fact, she was quite life-size.

  Instantly Jon and Dannan knelt before her, bowing their heads, right arms resting across their hearts in reverence.

  The Blue Fairy tapped the tops of their skulls with the edge of her gold staff,
elaborately adorned with carved snakes winding about the length, the work so intricate, each scale was visible. “Rise, boys,” she murmured, smiling fondly down at them.

  Jon plucked her hand up and planted a kiss on the back of it, giving her one of his devastatingly handsome smiles. “Ellesandra, my queen. So good to see you.”

  She gave him a mischievous grin. “Are you chasing after my fairies again, lad? Like in the days of old? Some things never change,” she teased, her chuckle light and easy. “And Dannan, have you given up picking clean the bones of humans yet? All that protein will kill your cholesterol.”

  Dannan’s head fell back on his shoulders and he laughed, his helium-filled giggle making Toni smile despite this new predicament.

  “Ah, Ellesandra, I gave those up centuries ago, which ye well know. Shame on ye for trying to frighten our otherwordly friends. But alas, ’tis good to see yer beautiful face once more.”

  Ellesandra chuckled until her gaze fell on Toni. She cocked her head, her eyes curious. “You’re not from this world.”

  Toni licked her dry lips and curtsied—because it seemed like the thing to do—her ankles bowing inward awkwardly. “No, ma’am. Jersey. I’m from, um, the land we call Jersey. Toni. I’m Toni Vitali.”

  Ellesandra’s nostrils flared and her lips pursed. “And you three? You’re not like her.”

  Marty and Wanda were the first to react, but Nina was slow and sluggish as she trailed behind them. “I’m Marty Flaherty and these are my friends, Wanda Jefferson and Nina Statleon, a vampire, and a werewolf, and a halfsie. And this,” she reached out and rubbed Carl’s muzzle affectionately, “is Carl. A zombie in our world.”

  Ellessandra’s smile beamed when her soft eyes landed on Carl. She reached a hand out to cup his muzzle. “Ahhh, a gentle soul, your Carl is?” she asked, though Toni suspected the fairy knew the answer.

  “The gentlest ever,” Nina whispered, her lips now alarmingly pale as she reached for Wanda’s and Marty’s shoulders, her knuckles white.

  “You’re a good lad, aren’t you, Carl? I can see it in your eyes. Good blessings be yours always, my lamb,” she said, blowing a kiss toward him. A kiss that turned into rainbow-colored dust as it clouded over Carl’s head, falling around him in glittery sprinkles of powdery light.

  “And you…” She pointed to Nina, her eyes critical as she scanned the vampire’s slumped form. “You suffer?”

  Nina’s head hung low on her long, graceful neck, but her eyes remained fierce. “I’m just hungry and tired,” she said, her teeth tightly clenched.

  Toni slipped between Marty and Wanda and looped Nina’s arm around her neck in order to hold her up. She pulled her to a stump, brushing it free of snow with the fabric of her dress before setting Nina on its surface. “Rest,” she whispered, placing a hand on the vampire’s shoulder and squeezing.

  “Ellesandra,” Jon cut in, his tone urgent. “Our apologies for taking you from far more important matters, but your assistance is needed. As you can see, a guest of Shamalot is in desperate need, and we have an unusual request…”

  “Say no more, dear friend,” Ellesandra said, holding up a hand covered in rings. “But first, I must deal with my errant fairy.”

  “Please, please, please, my queen!” the Truth Fairy begged as she squirmed in Dannan’s grasp. “I was tempted by gold. It will never happen again!”

  “Whose gold called upon your recklessness?” Ellesandra demanded, her sweet face no longer so sweet.

  “Queen Angria! She’s put a price on the red one’s head. Endless riches be had if we bring her to the queen!”

  “Why? What does she want from me?” Toni spat.

  The fairy’s head shook rapidly as her frightened eyes captured Toni’s. “I know not! I know only she has handed down orders to bring you in alive!”

  Ellesandra shook her head and tsked her displeasure. “You have betrayed your title, fairy! You shall pay!”

  “But she stole my power, my queen! She made my nose grow three times its size!”

  Toni’s finger whipped up in the air as she left Nina’s side, her eyes narrowed as she confronted the fairy. “Hold up there, Tinkerbell. You tried to trick me into going with you. Then you tried to set me on fire. I just returned the favor. I didn’t steal anything from you on purpose. It just happened.”

  Which had become the story of her life these last few days.

  Ellesandra’s eyes went wide. “You defeated the Truth Fairy? A human?”

  Toni nodded, brushing her tangled mess of hair from her cheek. “Believe me. No one’s as surprised as me. Look, this is a long story, but a couple of days ago I worked in an outlet mall for a boss I could have spat from my vagina if I were just a few years older. Now I’m breathing fire and making liars’ noses grow. Color me as shocked as you. But it wasn’t on purpose. She started it. Which I think is obvious from the state of her nose.”

  “This is a startling turn of events,” Ellesandra said, whisking her vast robes over the snowy ground as she headed down the path. “Follow me, darling ones, and I shall make all things right!”

  * * * *

  Toni’s mouth fell open when they entered Ellesandra’s cottage, which wasn’t really a cottage at all, but a mini-castle. The outside was deceptive—it looked like all the other cottages in the Garden of Wings, covered by the colorful sugared vines and trees so prevalent, but the inside was nothing short of spectacular.

  A spiral staircase in the middle of the vast entryway led to places unknown, winding upward into what looked like swollen pink clouds the consistency of cotton candy. Vases in creamy ice cream colors held ferns and ivy, spilling from their tops in lush green. Candleholders as tall as Toni supported fat, squat candles, their scents filling the house with pears and lavender.

  Rough stone fountains sculpted into fairies riding swans spewed forth champagne-colored water, the bubbles dissipating as they hit the air.

  Windows as high as the ceiling with oyster-colored drapes falling to the ground in graceful sweeps spanned the room, the view to the world of the Garden of Wings in all its pink-and-purple twilight almost incandescent.

  Ellesandra waved them to the back of her home, past room after room filled with books, fairies dotting the interiors with their bright hues and cheerful buzzing. She took them to her kitchen, where tables and chairs sat off to the left, vases of flowers centered upon them.

  A cauldron bubbled beneath a warm fire in a stone fireplace, misty tendrils of green and blue rising from its depths. She motioned them to puffy chairs around the hearth as she gave orders to an elderly man who stirred the cauldron.

  “Nourish our guests, please, Hamish. Their journey has had pitfalls,” she said as she swept out of the room, taking Dannan and Jon with her.

  Toni helped Nina to a long couch, the armrests gilded in gold and blue scrolls, setting her gently on the cushiony edge. “Lean back, Nina.” She pressed a light hand to Nina’s shoulder and instead of biting it off, she actually did as Toni commanded without a single word of protest, making Toni’s heart constrict.

  Hamish, his stout body attached to short legs and even shorter feet, produced steaming teacups. As he bent forward, the thin wisp of graying hair atop his round head wafted upward.

  He peered over round spectacles and smiled warmly. “The coffee you so desire, miladies,” he said, setting a tray on a table with a bronzed sculpture of a fairy beneath it, the hands of the statue holding the glass tabletop aloft. “Milk and sugar as well.”

  “God, he sounds like Arch, huh, Marty?” Nina asked, her voice so weak Toni was beginning to really worry.

  Marty brushed one of the vampire’s soggy curls from her milk-white face with a tender hand and nodded. “Yeah, he does, friend.” She patted her lap. “Here, put your head on my lap and rest.”

  Nina did so without protest, letting Marty stroke her raven hair as Wanda slipped in next to her friend and inched over so Nina’s upper torso sprawled across both the women’s laps. Wanda patted Nina’s s
agging wings, her face lined with worry.

  She looked so small and helpless, Toni had to fight tears. This was not the woman who’d threatened her with endless harm. This wasn’t the woman who cussed like a sailor and stomped around in a dress like an Army sergeant.

  This was a woman who’s emotions ran deeper than most. Who lobbed angry insults and taunts, but who’d die protecting the people she loved.

  She decided right then and there, she didn’t care what Angria did to her, but Nina had to go home now—or she’d die. Screw Brenda and screw her tasks, but especially screw getting her to the castle. She’d find a way to get there without jeopardizing Nina’s life.

  “We’ll figure this out, Nina. Swear we will,” Wanda whispered, her breath shuddering in and out of her lungs as she bit her trembling lower lip.

  “You think Charlie’s okay?” Nina asked, her words thick, yanking hard on Toni’s heart.

  “Aw, you know it, Elvira. If the boys know we’re gone, Arch is in full maternal mode by now. He’s buying stuffed unicorns and more Teletubby DVDs than even your drafty castle can hold.”

  “I’ll kick his stodgy British ass if he gets her one more stuffed animal,” Nina groused, her eyes half-closed.

  “Aw, you don’t mean that, Snookums,” Marty said with a hitch in her voice, her wings sagging.

  “I damn well do. And listen, if I don’t make…You know what the fuck I mean. Any bitches come sniffin’ around my man, you better take ’em out. Hard. I will haunt you from the afterlife if you screw it up, Blondie. But mostly,” she said, her words beginning to slur, “take care of Charlie. I don’t want some damn stranger muckin’ my kid’s head up. You two know what I want for her. Keep her close. Promise me, please.”

  Marty and Wanda looked at each other. The fear for their friend was clear and sharp, almost palpable, falling over the room with a heavy hand.

  Wanda pressed her fingers to her lips. “You just hush, Dark One. Charlie’s just fine, and so are Greg and Arch and Darnell, and our men, and Hollis, and you will be, too because we don’t leave each other—ever. We’ll be home before you know it. Trust me, Vampire.”