Harlequin Special Edition July 2013 - Bundle 2 of 2: The Widow of Conard CountyA Match for the Single DadThe Medic's Homecoming

by Rachel Lee

  She swallowed the plethora of angry questions she had and the perturbed thoughts she’d accumulated with each passing day of the week. She stuffed back down the nagging, insecure thoughts that threatened to rip her wide open. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t you love me? Lack of communication could drive a girl to unconfident conclusions. Old habits and lagging self-worth had muddled her thoughts.

  He cleared his throat. “So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week, and I’ve decided to go back to school.”

  Fantastic, but dare she let herself get excited yet? He was going back to school—and she’d encouraged him to do it. He’d taken her advice. Yay. He’d be around, and even if he didn’t stay involved with her, at least he’d be nearby, hopefully in Whispering Oaks.

  Slow down. Slow down.

  “That’s great.” She didn’t let her excitement show but kept her voice steady and calm, the exact opposite of her swirling mind and the pulse that was back to trotting in circles in her chest.

  “When I go back to school, I’ll have to give it my total concentration.”

  Her heart stumbled. Here comes the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. She took a deep breath, waiting for the sucker punch, hoping beyond hope she was wrong about him wanting nothing more to do with her.

  His hazel gaze connected with her suspicious stare, and to his credit, he didn’t look away. “I’ll need a bachelor of science and health degree if I go the route I’m thinking. You know how much effort that will take.”

  She gave him a single nod as tension seeped over her shoulders and up her neck.

  “I’ve got a buddy in Raleigh who owns a house, and, well—” he picked at some dog fur on his jeans “—they’ve got an accredited sports medicine and athletic trainer program—”

  She’d heard all she could take. Her breathing had derailed with the mention of Raleigh. Now her fingers trembled; she was so enraged by what he was leading up to. “You made that decision this week?”

  He’d been concentrating on the dog fur rather than looking at her. Now his eyes jerked toward her as if he’d realized she had no intention of making this easy on him. “Yes. After giving it a lot of thought.”

  Obviously, he hadn’t been giving her much thought at all. She leaned forward and tapped his knee. “We finally get together and now you plan to leave, and as an afterthought you mention it to me? Did you think maybe we could discuss this since we’ve been friends all our lives and now we’re lovers? Or was I imagining all that?”

  “You’ve got this all wrong. I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about you.”

  “So you just go ahead and make your little exit plan without discussing it with me.”

  “I’m trying to make something out of myself for you by going back to school. You said it yourself—I should look into sports medicine. Well, now I have, and I’m interested in sports training, which requires at least a bachelor’s degree. I’ve got my work cut out for me and I’ll have to give it total concentration.”

  “What happened the other night? And the week before that? Did I miss the small print about our having sex? Am I only good enough for a couple of nights, some good times?”

  He stopped her finger tapping on his knee, which had gotten more intense along with the conversation, by grabbing her hand. “Joss, you’re not a casual date to me. Don’t ever think of yourself that way.”

  “What am I supposed to think?” She yanked her fingers back. “Are all of your casual affairs as intense as what you and I have? Because I’ve got to tell you, I could have sworn we had something special.” Burning had started behind her eyes and, damn it, she knew tears would soon follow. She looked away, biting her lip.

  With one hand he gathered both of hers, and with the other, he eased her face back to look at his. “We do have something special.” Earnest hazel eyes stared into hers, eyes she wanted with all of her heart to believe. “That’s why it’s so important to me to find out who I am and what I want to do before I get completely involved with you.”

  She yanked her chin from his grasp. “I’m so special you’ve got to run away from me—is that it?” She hated to sound bitter, especially with her chin trembling.

  “No. That’s not what I’m saying.” She could feel his frustration when he dropped her hands and stood up. “Look, I’m going back to school to please you. I want to be something for you. I thought you’d be happy.”

  Was he trying to make her feel guilty? She wouldn’t fall for it.

  “I should be happy about losing you? I’ve only just found you. What are you doing?”

  He’d shut down before her eyes. He might have had plans, but that didn’t justify his method of dropping a bomb on her. There was no other way to look at it. Did he really think she’d be happy about his leaving the state to go back to school?

  She stood to meet his gaze. “What’s wrong with the university system right here?” What’s wrong with me? “Surely there are all kinds of sports medicine programs in California. Do you even give a damn about me?”

  He regarded her with hurt in his eyes. “You know I give a damn, Joss, but you’ve got to let me do this my way. I’m thinking about my future. Our future. I can’t offer you a future unless I have one of my own.” He paced toward the door.

  “I’m willing to go through this with you.” She wanted to go after him but forced her feet to stand firm. “We can work this out. Together.”

  When he reached for the knob, his shoulders stiffened into military attention. “This is what I’ve decided to do.” He looked at the floor, at the dogs reacting to their tense conversation, rather than into her eyes. “You don’t need me around freaking you out with my nightmares and mood swings. It’s best this way.”

  “Quit making excuses!” Her hands fisted as she watched him head to the door. “You’ve always been fine with me just the way you are.”

  “That’s not good enough.” Without another word, he let himself out.

  Red-hot anger blinded her, and she felt a frustration so intense it seemed to strangle her. She picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it just as the door shut.

  She had to let him do it his way. Did she have a choice? Had he given her one iota of say in the decision?

  Her encouraging him had paid off on the going-back-to-school suggestion, but all the cheerleading in the world couldn’t change the fact he wasn’t sticking around.

  Truth was she couldn’t coerce Lucas into loving her or staying in Whispering Oaks no matter how much she loved him. Until he was ready to step up, the fact that she’d loved him since she was twelve didn’t matter.

  Defeat overcame her, and she crumpled onto the couch and cried.

  * * *

  Lucas left Jocelyn’s house feeling like the heel of the year. He’d broken his first rule on women—never let anyone get close. When he was in the service, always getting deployed had made it easy to keep that rule. He’d come home and gotten way too close to Jocelyn too quickly. Now he was paying for it. They both were. He saw the hurt in her eyes, as if he’d used her for sex, then cast her aside. It couldn’t be further from the truth. He cared about her. He had since they were kids, but this was something more. When he’d made love to her Saturday night after the nightmare, he’d cherished her, every inch of her, made love to her as if she was the only other person on earth. She’d made him feel the same way. No one had ever made him feel like that before.

  He didn’t know what the hell love felt like because he’d never gone there. Not once. The aching in his chest as he strode back home, and the gnawing feeling in his throat over hurting her, might be a clue to how falling out of love felt. To use a military term, when things went FUBAR in love.

  Entering his house, he whisked by his parents. Both of their heads popped up from watching TV when he passed. He marched straight for his room to grab the keys to the Mustang. Bart followed him halfway down the hall but must have sensed he was unwelcome and turned around.

  Rather than face his parents again,
Lucas exited through the French doors in their bedroom into the backyard and then the garage. He started the engine and threw the car into drive, even pealed a little rubber when he pulled out of the driveway and onto the street.

  White-knuckling the steering wheel, he’d drive until he could breathe again because right now his lungs were tied up in knots and a brick seemed to sit on his diaphragm.

  Like a broken record he repeated the same lines to himself. She deserves someone who knows who they are, where they’re going and what they want. Someone who is established and has something to offer her besides jagged nerves and a half-hearted plan to go back to school.

  Once he had a profession, like she did, when he could feel equal to her, he’d have something to bring to the table in their relationship. Right now, being a slacker who loved her wasn’t enough.

  He loved her? Was he just scared?

  How could a guy who’d faced down gunfire and makeshift bombs be a coward? Was letting down all barriers and finally getting close to someone so scary? Hell, yeah!

  He pushed on the gas, fishtailing around a secluded corner, and drove until the banging pulse in his head and chest let up. When he’d finally calmed down, he headed for home.

  Later, on his bed staring at the ceiling in the dark and feeling completely mixed-up and fifteen all over again, his mother tapped on the door.

  “Lucas, would you come out for a minute, please?”

  This was no time to sit through a lecture from his parents. In fact, it was the last thing he wanted to do, but he was living under their roof and he owed them his consideration. Though for this reason alone, the thought of moving to Raleigh looked better all the time. He rolled off the bed, flipped on the light switch and opened the door. “Yeah, Mom?”

  “Jocelyn is here to see you.”

  Damn. His gut clinched, but he followed his mother down the hall, dreading what he’d find.

  The instant he hit the family room, Mom and Dad vanished. Jocelyn, dressed in jeans and a white blouse, stood in the living room by the fireplace. She’d let her hair down from earlier and put on makeup. She looked pretty, as she always did, and he wished he could hold her, but he kept his distance, unsure of what she had to say.

  She watched him, a softer gaze in her eyes than earlier.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi.” She swallowed. “So after our argument earlier, I decided I needed to apologize to you.”

  “It’s not necessary.” Hell, he should be apologizing to her!

  “No. It is. I went way over the deep end. I made more out of things than I should have.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  That got her attention. She’d been staring at her black flats, but now her eyes darted to his. “I didn’t?”

  He shook his head.

  “So why are you leaving, then?”

  He shrugged, feeling like a fool with no good answer. “It’s something I’ve got to do.”

  “I wish you’d reconsider it, Lucas.” She connected with his eyes and wouldn’t allow him to look away. Her sweet doe eyes melted the cold corners of his heart, making him want to take back everything he’d said earlier. I’ll do anything you want. Just let me still be with you. He cleared his throat. Will you wait for me? God, he didn’t have the right to ask her that.

  “I’ll see how things go.”

  She sighed. Her hands covered her face. “Well, if you’re hell-bent on leaving, I want you to know something.” She looked up with a painful expression, holding his full attention. “I love you. Nothing you do can stop that.”

  Stunned by her comment, he stood dazed as she reached for the door and let herself out.

  He rubbed his face, which seemed to have gone numb. She loved him?

  Like an idiot, he hadn’t told her he loved her, too.

  * * *

  On Saturday, after a sleepless night, he got up early and spent the day with David, getting more hands-on experience with auto body work. As he concentrated on the task, nothing else entered his mind. It was a welcome relief. He liked the satisfaction of taking twisted and dented metal and making it malleable, easing out the wrinkles until it was smooth and just like new again. It was a slow and meticulous but gratifying process, and he only wished he could apply the technique to himself.

  On Sunday morning Lucas walked Bart. “Stop! No,” he said as Bart played tug-of-war with the leash to turn onto Jocelyn’s yard so Bart could greet his dog friends, Diesel and Daisy. “Sorry, buddy, not today.” Lucas yanked back and finally convinced Bart the group walk wasn’t going to happen. Halfway over to the grammar school where he intended to let Bart off leash for a romp around the huge fenced-in playground and yard, he got a text message from Jocelyn. She didn’t greet him or anything, just sent an address and phone number for a community-based outpatient clinic in Oxnard where they offered group and individual therapy for soldiers.

  She wouldn’t let up. Once he got past being bugged and letting Bart hear all of his gripes on the walk home, he had to admit he appreciated her caring about him. Especially when he’d essentially dumped her with a lame excuse about moving out of state to go to school.

  Just before he reached his house, he texted back—Thanks.

  Then he turned off his phone.

  It was quiet. Eight o’clock, the old man must still be sleeping. He let Bart off leash so he could slurp from his water bowl on the patio, then went to the kitchen to get a drink.

  Mom sat at the table in the newly remodeled and extended French country kitchen, head in her hands. Shards of light cut across the table and her bathrobe, tiny dust particles dancing inside. The rich aroma of coffee tempted him to have a cup, but he’d gone off caffeine to see if it would help with his insomnia.

  “You okay?” he asked, approaching the table, setting his glass down and putting his hands on his mother’s shoulders.

  “I’m worried about your sister, is all.”

  “Last time I checked, she and Jack were just fine.”

  “I’m talking about Lark. I just got off the phone with her.” Mom stared at the cream clouds in her coffee. “She wants to drop out of med school and come home.”

  “What?” Last he’d checked, Little Miss High Achiever was breezing through her first year of courses at Boston University Medical School. She’d done what Anne had dreamed of but couldn’t quite pull off—got into med school. Lark had always wanted to be a pediatrician. Now she wanted to drop out?

  “That’s what I said. Please don’t tell your father. I’m hoping to talk some sense into her.”

  Lucas downed his water without taking a breath. “Okay, but it’s probably a good idea to give him a heads-up—and soon.”

  Beverly lifted sad dark brown eyes and studied him. Her face looked more drawn this morning, as if she’d aged a couple years since yesterday. “You haven’t been sleeping again, have you?”

  He shrugged.

  “You’re too young to look so tired.” She got up and went to the cupboard. “Here. Try this. It’s all natural. Three different ingredients to help you sleep. It might help.”

  “I tried sleeping pills before I came home. Didn’t like the way they made me feel all groggy the next day.”

  “This is a mild homeopathic blend. Why not give it a try? Don’t let those dark circles under your eyes ruin your handsome face.”

  “Okay, Mom.” He took the bottle. “I’ll try one tonight.” After the mess he’d made with Jocelyn, sleep had not come easily, nor did it last very long when it finally did roll around just before dawn each day.

  He walked to the coffeemaker, picked up the carafe and refilled her coffee cup. She reached up and patted his hand. “You’re a good son. I want to see you happy, Lucas. You deserve to be happy and with someone you love.” Her shifted gaze toward the Howards’ house didn’t go unnoticed. What could he say?

  “My Grandma Daniels used to quote some old saying to me. ‘From friendship blooms the truest love.’ Of course, I scoffed, like I know you’re scoffing
right now. But when I went away to college I met a lot of guys, dated a few, then when I met your dad there was something different about him. I knew I could be friends with him, first. My granny had been right.”

  What was he supposed to say to that? Mom had gone in for the kill, knowing he and Jocelyn had a lifetime of friendship behind them. He clenched his jaw, deciding to let his mother have the last word.

  “One more thing,” she said. “I want you to know how much I’ve loved having you home and how hard it was for me to let you go away to boot camp when you were only eighteen. I already lost you once ten years ago. Now that I’ve finally got you back, isn’t there some way you can stick around?”

  He took a deep breath. “I’m working on it. Honestly.”

  “A mother never stops worrying about her children, no matter how old they are. Anne has finally found a good man, and now you’ve got a shot at something real with—”

  He lifted his palm to stop her. “Let me deal with this my way. Please?”

  His mom lifted her cup and took a sip. “I have no choice. You’re a man now. All grown up.” She picked up her cell phone as though she wanted to make another call to his little sister.

  “You want me to call Lark? Talk to her?”

  His mom shook her head. “I’ll handle this for now. You’ve got enough on your plate.”

  She made an excellent point. His plate was overflowing. If he went away to school, he’d risk losing Jocelyn, but if he stayed here, he wouldn’t have a thing to offer her. Either way, he came off looking like a slacker. He took the bottle of homeopathic sleeping pills, thanked his mother and went down the hall to shower.

  * * *

  Monday, he found himself back at the auto body shop, learning every technique he could. Someone brought in the bare bones of another classic Mustang, and Lucas allowed a little dream to take hold about buying more cars and renovating them. Later, David asked him out to lunch, said he had something to discuss with him.

  Great. Like he needed more decisions.

  * * *

  Tuesday afternoon, sitting on the hood of his Mustang overlooking the Whispering Oaks valley, he dialed Anne’s cell phone.