by Hart, Eve R.
It seemed like forever that we stood there waiting.
Finally, Gloria gave my hand a gentle squeeze and brought me to a room where she had me wash my hands and put on a cheap, paper gown. Another nurse said that I didn’t have to worry with the face mask and I gave her a grateful nod. I took that as good news. Then they led me into a room where there were a few babies set up sporadically. In the back corner was the baby… my baby. My girl.
“She’ll be in here for a little while just so we can keep an eye on her. Monitor everything. And once she is stable enough, we’ll move you guys into a private room,” the other nurse told me and I could see the small smile she gave out of the corner of my eye.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of the tiny baby in front of me.
“Have a seat, honey,” Gloria told me and my legs gave out as I collapsed into the chair.
I felt so drained. So weak. And absolutely terrified that I was going to screw this up somehow.
I sat in the chair, my eyes glued to the little sleeping baby right in front of me and I was afraid that if I blinked she would disappear. My world shifted and tilted and cracked right before my eyes. What the hell was I supposed to do now?
The moment I laid eyes on the tiny little girl, I was no longer just me. And there was something that washed over me.
Something I’d felt before but hadn’t been aware of it until then.
And as sure as I was that I’d give my life to protect Chry, I was equally sure I’d do the same for the little bundle in front of my eyes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Mouse
“How are ya holding up, honey?” Gloria said hours later.
I’d been sitting there, frozen and afraid to even breathe.
Had I processed anything that had happened that night? No. Definitely not.
I was still numb and in shock. And unsure and scared on top of that.
My head shook because I didn’t have an answer for her.
“Would you like to hold her?” she asked softly, her hand resting lightly on my back and it brought me a tiny amount of comfort that I desperately needed.
There must have been a bright hope in my eyes, because without me even breathing a word, Gloria carefully lifted the tiny baby up and was placing her against my body.
I was shaking as my hands came up to cradle her little body against my chest.
There were tears in my eyes as I felt her body expand with a breath against my palm.
“Do we have a name, daddy?” Gloria asked and I was thankful that she wasn’t giving me shit about my emotions. She wasn’t used to seeing this from me. Sure I was fun and playful and I could be serious and maybe a bit broody lately, but she’d never seen the unsure me.
“Fuck,” I breathed out and heard Gloria chuckle like she’d expect nothing less from me.
Hey, I was pretty good about watching my mouth around Chry, so I didn’t think I was all that bad despite what people might think.
“It’s okay, Mouse. Just hold her close and don’t worry about anything else. A name will come when it’s time.” She gave me a reassuring pat on my shoulder. “I’ll come back and check on you in a little while.”
Then she was gone and I was alone with my… daughter.
Daughter.
My kid.
Fuck!
And not the bad kind of fuck where you feel like you’re fucked. The kind of fuck like you don’t know what to do with all the emotions running through your body right now.
“Hi,” someone whispered softly next to me. My eyes cut up to look at the person but I wasn’t being rude, I was just afraid to move. “I’m Susette. I think we should try and see if she’ll eat.”
“Okay,” I whispered back and shifted her into the crook of my arm. It felt strange but natural all at the same time.
The nurse handed me a warm bottle and I brushed it against my little girl’s lips softly. It wasn’t long before her cute, little mouth opened and latched on immediately.
“That’s a good sign,” the nurse said and though I wasn’t looking at her, I could hear the smile in her voice. “She’s taking to it right away.”
“How long will she have to be in here?” I asked not taking my eyes off of my baby. I smiled as I watched her guzzle the formula down with ease.
“The pediatrician will be making the rounds soon. Dr. Baker is on tonight and she is awesome. She’ll be able to answer any questions that you have.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
The minutes ticked on. Susette didn’t hover over me but I could sense that she was close by in case I might need her.
“Sparrow,” I breathed out softly.
Her mouth stopped moving for a second. I held my breath. And as her hand did a little jerk like she was reaching out for my face, I knew I had an answer to a question I hadn’t really asked.
“Sparrow,” I said again with more confidence.
She went back to guzzling down her dinner and I caressed her soft cheek with my pinky finger.
She let out a faint, tiny sigh as her mouth went slack. A little line of formula laced drool slipped down her cheek and I swiped it away with my thumb.
“Do you know how to burp her?” Susette asked as she took the bottle from my hand even though it was still half full.
I’d done it a few times… over two years ago.
“I think so,” I said moving my little Sparrow up onto my chest. My hand patted her back so softly like I was afraid to break her. She squeaked in my ear and I froze.
“That’s perfect, keep going,” Susette encouraged.
So I did, until she let out a daintily little burp and then settled herself into me like she was half asleep already.
I held her like she was a new breath.
I held her like she was the world.
I held her like I was scared she’d somehow slip away.
As much as I knew this was real, it still felt like a dream. And with each passing second, I wanted this dream to never fade.
She was part of me. This little, fragile being in my arms was a living, breathing extension of my soul.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I didn’t even bother to reach for it. I knew I’d have to deal with things soon but I wasn’t ready yet.
Gloria came back around and took Sparrow out of my arms, then gently set her back down in her plastic cage. She shoved a sandwich and a soda at me and told me I needed to keep my strength up. There was no way I was going to argue with her even if food was the last thing on my mind. She sat with me for a minute while I ate. She talked but I suspected it was mostly because she wanted to make sure I really ate. She told me that next time I hold Sparrow I should do it shirtless. I remember all about the skin-to-skin thing from back when Ingram had Chry so she didn’t need to explain why. Still, I gave her a raised brow and asked if she was just trying to get me out of my clothes. She laughed and told me it was good to see the Mouse that she knew.
Dr. Baker came around and had a nice long chat. Sparrow would probably be here a week if not more. She explained to me the trauma that Amber’s body most likely went through and how that might have affected the baby. Though my little girl seemed to be a fighter, it was better to be safe than sorry. I didn’t care how long I had to be here as long as she was alright.
My phone rang a few more times while I was talking with the doctor and when it rang again, I pulled it out to stop the madness. I had missed calls from Iron and Mason. A few texts from them as well. No doubt they caught onto me leaving with no explanation earlier. I should have let them know what was going on at some point. I knew they were worried.
But I didn’t have it in me right now.
I couldn’t talk.
I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling.
So after the screen went dark again, I made my phone come to life long enough so I could send off a text to Iron telling him I needed to take some personal time.
Then I shut it down. Whatever his reply was, I didn’t need to worry with
it right now.
My attention went back to my sleeping little girl and soon I drifted off too.
Three days went by. The same thing over and over. Hold her as much as possible. Feed her when she was hungry and sometimes even try when she wasn’t. Watch. Touch. Wait.
And hope that one day we’d be walking out of here. Together.
The nurses were all kind and patient with me. They showed me the things I didn’t know and reassured me when I was scared. Amber’s body went through a great deal and all that had affected the baby. But every day she was getting better.
I refused to leave her side longer than to use the bathroom. I stunk and I was a mess, but I didn’t care.
“Hi,” Gloria said as she knocked on the door to our room and then walked in.
“They have you down here again?” I asked as she pulled up a chair beside me.
“No, I just got off and decided to come and check on you.”
“I’m here. I can’t tell you much more than that,” I answered honestly.
“You have a private room now, you can take a shower. Call one of those men of yours and have them bring you some clothes.”
I blindly shook my head.
“Why not? Mouse, this isn’t good. You know they would be here in a heartbeat.”
She was right. They would, no questions asked.
“I can hardly admit everything that’s happened to myself, how am I supposed to admit it to my brothers?” I didn’t look at her as I spoke.
This was a shitty situation no matter how you looked at it. I wasn’t being ungrateful. I loved the baby in front of me. The moment I laid eyes on her, I did. But there was life given and there was one taken away. No matter how hurt and maybe even angry I was at Amber for how she treated our relationship and walked away, I’d never wish death upon her. Yet, in that, I still hated her. Hated her for not telling me about my baby. Hated her for not letting me be there for her while she was going through all of this. And I really fucking hated her for making the decision to give up our child without even letting me know about her in the first place.
“You should get out of here for a bit. Clear your head. It will do her good just as much as it will do you,” Gloria said shaking me out of my thoughts.
“I can’t leave,” I said simply.
“Yes, you can. And you should. Take a few hours. Get a shower and a nap.” When I shook my head at her, she carried on. “I’ll sit here with her. Leave your number and I’ll call you if anything happens. She’s gonna be just fine, honey. You can breathe easy.”
“I can’t,” I said and felt the weight bearing down on me.
“Two hours, Mouse. You aren’t any good if you can’t even take care of yourself.”
Damn, she had me there.
With a deep inhale, I nodded and got to my feet. She stood too, ready to slide into the seat that I’d left empty. To be closer to my girl. To watch over my girl like she promised.
I went to give her my number, but remembered that I’d shut my phone off because I didn’t want to be found. I dreaded turning it back on and I knew that if I did, Iron would have Cable track me down. I could picture him now, sitting in his room, waiting for the second I went back on the grid or whatever. Or hell, maybe he’d already found me but had no clue what part of the hospital I was in. I didn’t have a fucking clue, I just knew I didn’t want to take the chance just yet.
“Can, I, um…” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Borrow your phone? I’m not ready to face them and I know they’ll find me if I use my phone.” I said nothing else on the matter. Her eyes looked sad as though she disapproved of my choice to keep this to myself but still dug into her purse and handed over her phone. “Thank you. I’ll return it, I promise. Call me if anything happens.”
With one last look, I said nothing else and walked out of the room with my feet feeling like they were stuck in mud.
I wasn’t going home. I wasn’t going back to the compound, to my room, to take a shower. No. Not only was I avoiding it, but I also had something else I needed to do.
And as I tore across town on my bike, I wondered if there would come a moment when I would completely explode.
Shame burned in my gut mixing with the anger.
I should have known somehow. This was on me as much as it was on Amber. I couldn’t begin to explain how I should have known. It was my kid, I should have felt something. That was what I kept telling myself. I let Amber walk out that door and I never looked back. I never tried to chase her down. Not once did I even reach out to her.
So yeah, this was on me too.
I had been hit too hard by her words then so focused on running from what was in my head. Ingram. I could admit that she made me weak and now… now she made me blind.
But this wasn’t the time to think about Ingram. Or Chry. Or Ky. Or even my club.
Now was the time for answers.
And that was all I could think about as I banged on the door until I got them.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Mouse
Her face was blotchy and red as she slowly pulled the door open and I started to crumble the moment I saw it. Carla took me in with tired and puffy eyes. It was clear she’d been crying and it was obvious why.
She didn’t even speak a word as she pushed the door open and walked back over to the couch. I knew the moment she crawled back under the thick blanket that she wanted nothing more than to shut the world out.
“I need answers,” I barked as I stomped my way in, throwing the door closed with a bang.
My eyes scanned the area. There was nothing that looked out of place. I couldn’t stop myself as my feet carried me to Amber’s bedroom. And there I found much of the same.
Nothing new.
Nothing out of place.
Just nothing.
Not a single thing that would lead someone to believe that a baby was coming soon.
“Where is all the stuff?” I asked as I made my way back to the living room.
“What stuff? I haven’t touched any of her shit. I can’t…” she said and wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“The shit for the baby? The crib. Blankets. Clothes. Diapers.”
Her red eyes dragged themselves to look into mine.
“Didn’t you hear me?” She spat the question at me and I could see her begin to shake with anger. “She wasn’t keeping it. She was never keeping it!”
“Then why didn’t she…” I couldn’t even say the word. It felt like acid in my mouth and refused to leave my tongue.
“Get rid of it?”
I flinched.
“That’s my kid you’re talking about,” I said as calmly as I could manage.
“And your kid is the reason my friend is dead.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. She wasn’t wrong. But she wasn’t exactly right, either.
Sometimes shit happened. You couldn’t control the world and there were no guarantees in life except that it will end in death. And even then, you will never know when that time was coming.
My feet carried me across the living room and then back again. Over and over, I wore a line in the carpet while my fingers tugged at my hair.
“How did this even happen?” I was mentally scratching my head trying to figure it all out. Sure Amber and I had been together a while but I always made sure to be safe when we had sex.
“She said there was one night… you were really drunk or something. The last time… you two did stuff.”
Well, shit. I barely remembered that night and I sure as hell couldn’t tell you if I had worn a condom or not. Obviously, I hadn’t, I guessed.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” I asked and this time I sounded a little broken and sad.
“She’s not… she wasn’t dumb. You knew this. She saw the way you forgot about her once that bitch came back into your life or whatever.”
“Watch your fucking mouth,” I growled as I pinned her with a murderous glare.
“Exactly my point right there.”
She shook her head and sighed. “You were never Amber’s and honestly, she was never yours.”
“Clearly,” I mumbled a bit bitterly. “She walked out on me. She told me that I was just a good time and since the good part stopped, she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”
“You knew she couldn’t do the relationship stuff. She couldn’t handle more than surface level.”
“Yeah, and I was just an idiot to think that there was more between us than there really was.”
“You cared for her?” she asked and I could see her softening a little.
“I did,” I told her honestly.
“But you didn’t love her. You couldn’t.”
My body went ice cold as I stood there and heard her words.
I hadn’t loved Amber. There wasn’t one good reason that I could come up with to explain why not.
“You fucked up her life, and for what? Now she’s gone and you won’t listen to me and honor her wishes,” Carla spat out not even trying to hide her anger.
“A wish she had no right to make without me,” I said low and deadly.
There was nothing here for me.
I wished I’d never come.
“She has no family,” Carla said causing me to halt my steps as I headed for the door. I knew this so I wasn’t sure why she was saying it now. “No one to lay her to rest.”
“Take care of it, tell me how much. I’ll pay for it all,” I said over my shoulder and then I was out the door.
Yeah, it was a bit shitty but it was the best I could do right now.
I was torn between heading back to the hospital and needing a little time to calm down.
I climbed onto my bike and took off like the devil was chasing me.
For some fucking reason, I ended up crossing the bridge to the beach. And not long after that, I found myself riding by Chris and Ky’s house as I checked to see which vehicles were parked in the driveway.
One car and no bike around. I sighed and thanked my lucky stars.
