by Hart, Eve R.
Ky wasn’t home.
Ingram wasn’t home.
But Chris was.
I rode up beside his car and killed my bike while I flicked the kickstand down.
I knew if he didn’t answer my knock then I could probably find him out back in the water. But to my surprise, the door opened and a squeal instantly hit my ears.
“Hey, dude,” I said holding my arms out to the little guy that was doing his best to wiggle out of Chris’ grasp trying to get to me.
As his little scent hit my nose, tears stung my eyes.
“You have people worried about you,” Chris said as he took a step back to let me in. “Me included.”
I carried Chry over to the couch and flopped down with him still in my arms.
“You look like hell,” Chris said as he sat down onto the other couch.
“I feel it, too,” I said and then huffed out a sad laugh.
“What’s going on, Mouse?”
“Amber’s gone,” I said.
There, it was out and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take it back or not.
“She’s been gone for a while now, man.”
“No, Chris. She’s gone. And I have a kid. There was some kind of complication and Amber didn’t make it.”
All the air rushed out of his lungs as he sunk back into the cushions.
Yeah, I felt the same.
“She’s still in the hospital but she’s doing alright. She’s a little fighter,” I said.
Chry settled against my chest, his head resting on my shoulder. It was about that time for his nap and I felt bad that I’d messed things up for him.
The room stayed silent for a long time. Chry’s fingers had a death grip on the neck of my shirt as I felt him give up the fight to sleep.
“What? No advice for me, man?” I asked trying to joke the best I could. Chris was good and handling shit and keeping a level head.
“You have a daughter?” he asked like he hadn’t just heard what I fucking said.
“Yeah,” I answered softly.
“And Amber is dead?” he asked bluntly.
I swallowed hard and gave him an affirming nod of my head.
“I’m a little pissed at you right now,” he told me and I could tell he meant it. “I can’t keep this from him. I won’t.”
Fuck.
I knew that and I should have seen this coming. And deep down, I knew it wasn’t fair for me to ask him to keep this from Ky. From my brother. Really, it should have been me that told Ky but I just couldn’t handle the club right now. Yeah, I knew it was a shit thing to think.
“Tell him something but let me have a little bit longer to figure some stuff out. Please,” I pleaded.
“Fine,” he said but didn’t seem happy about it.
He got to his feet and came over to me. As carefully as he could, he took Chry out of my arms.
“Go take a shower, you stink. I’ll get you some clothes. I need a bit to process all of this,” he told me as he walked off. I knew he was going to go put Chry down in his bed. His footsteps paused behind me and I knew he was about to say something I probably couldn’t handle right now. “She’s a mess, Mouse. She doesn’t have a clue where you’ve been and I know she’s thinking the worst.”
My chin met my chest as the shame washed through me.
Chris was fiercely protective over Ingram and Chry. I shouldn’t have expected anything else.
I didn’t have an excuse that was good enough so I stayed silent.
Moments later, Chris brought me some clothes. I could only guess a pair of Ky’s jeans and one of his own shirts. I glanced down and noticed the surf logo on the front and then gave him a pointed look. To which he just fucking smirked at me.
I used the downstairs shower, knowing just where to find everything. Back in the day, I may have crashed here a few times.
That was before Ky and Chris got together.
And before Ingram and Chry.
I tried to picture those times and though they weren’t that long gone, it felt like forever ago. Things sure had changed but I wasn’t saying it was a bad thing.
And now shit had really fucking changed for me.
In the bathroom, I was surrounded by Ingram and it sucked the breath from my lungs.
Ever felt like you couldn’t get a single thing right?
That was how I felt right now.
Everywhere I turned I managed to fuck shit up whether I was aware that there was something to fuck up or not.
I couldn’t even think about the Ingram thing right now.
I just couldn’t.
But being surrounded by her soap and scent only forced her front and center in my mind.
It didn’t matter how I looked at it, I knew I had fucked up again and I couldn’t blame her if she didn’t give me another chance. I didn’t deserve it anyway. Not only that, I started to think that this was too much to ask of her. She didn’t need for her life to be more complicated. And suddenly having a kid in my life certainly was complicated.
I’d fucked up by giving in to my desires and taking Ingram on the beach. And if Ky ever found out about that, I’d be a dead man. As it was, I knew I’d hurt Ingram by staying silent and Ky had warned me what would happen if I hurt her again.
Yet somehow, I didn’t regret the things that happened that night on the beach. I’d never wish to take it back. Except now, I knew she’d be the one with the broken heart in the end. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, because even as I thought about having to let her go, I felt the pain of a million daggers digging into my heart.
I cut the shower off and reached for the towel I’d set aside. I dressed in clothes that felt strange but I was grateful for them.
I’d been gone too long and I was feeling itchy as the seconds ticked on. I needed to get back to the hospital but I knew Chris wasn’t done with my dumb ass yet.
“Sit,” he said and nodded his head to the chairs that were tucked under the opposite side of the island. There was a plate ready and waiting with a sandwich and an apple cut up. I didn’t even say anything about the fact that he had gone through the trouble of coring and slicing the apple. This was Uncle Chris all the way, so I let it slide.
As I sat, it hit me. Not only was he a really good friend but he was also a great uncle. He would be a great uncle to all the kids he took under his wing. Fuck. I suddenly saw images of my little girl running down the beach in the summer. Of Chris helping her pick out her first surfboard and teaching her how to work the water. Hang-ten and carve waves or whatever the fuck it was. I didn’t know that shit. But strangely, I saw this new future right in front of me and all these incredible people that were around that would do anything to make my little girl’s life nothing short of amazing.
My club, they’d never let me down. My brothers were fucking remarkable in their own ways and their extensions were a blessing if I’d ever seen one. Chris. Gwen. Cami. Laurel. Bridget. Claire. They all had their own strengths and charm.
I wanted Sparrow to have my life only more. I didn’t want to shield her from the club life like my mom had tried to do with me. No, I wanted her to grow up immersed and surrounded in it. I wanted her as strong as Gwen. As sweet as Cami. As ball-buster as Laurel. As easy-going as Chris.
And so fucking on.
Bridget could teach her how to read people and be aware of her surroundings. Claire could teach her to rise up from anything that might try to knock her down. My brothers, well, when it came to them, they could teach her how to swear, rebuild a car, change her own oil, and hold a gun. Maybe some of those weren’t the best things but hey, that was who we were. And knowing how to protect and take care of yourself was never a bad thing.
I had been going about this all wrong. But it didn’t mean that I was ready to let them in. I needed my time with my girl. I needed to know that she was going to pull through before I let them take her into their hearts. And, fuck, I still had a lot of things to process.
“Give it to me,” I practically grunted because I knew it
was coming and maybe, just maybe, I really needed to hear it.
I shoved the sandwich into my mouth and let him take over the conversation. I wanted to hear what he said but also get it over with quickly so I could get back to my little girl.
“You need them as much as they need to know that you’re okay,” he said quickly. I could tell that he got me and knew this wasn’t going to be a long conversation. “I’m mad at you, but I get it. I get that this is a lot of shit dumped on you at once and it will take some time to get through it. But you can’t let us go around thinking that you’re not okay, or worse, dead. Be there for your little girl, make sure she gets strong enough to leave the hospital, then bring her home.”
“And then?” I asked because I was kind of fucking clueless.
Only…
I wasn’t.
I’d been there for Ingram when she was probably feeling some of the panic that I currently was. I’d calmly been able to take over and find out what she needed. And that was what I had to do for myself right now.
I began to recall all the things I needed to do and get, and suddenly the room began to spin.
“Mouse,” Chris said softly and I blinked my eyes into focus as I looked at him. “I’m here— we’re here for whatever you need. Just send a text and consider it done. Focus on her and getting yourself sorted out. You need to be strong for her and bring her home.”
“Sparrow,” I said as I tried to calm my racing heart.
His soft smile brought a little wetness to my eyes.
“Call Iron,” he said with a firm nod. “And for fuck’s sake, please let Ingram know you’re not dead. And then let us worry about everything else.”
“You’re kinda awesome, Chris,” I said and I hoped he got how much I meant it.
“Awww, Mouse. Are you telling me that you love me?!”
“I hate you so much right now,” I said but couldn’t hold back my smile.
“I know. You’re family, too, dude,” he said.
“Fuck,” I breathed out. “I’ve messed everything up. I just…”
I was thinking about Amber. I was thinking about Ingram.
I was thinking about how much of a shit person I was.
“She isn’t going away,” he said and his face turned serious. “She’s making a life here. She wants to be close to Ky. To me. To the club. You know, close to her family. I know you have a lot of shit on your plate right now, but you have to make a decision and go at it one-hundred percent. If you love her, love her with everything you’ve got in you. If you can’t, then let her go.”
I didn’t need to ask to know that he was talking about Ingram. Chris was too wise for his own fucking good. And mine. He also didn’t have to include Chry in that, because it was already clear that the little guy had a part of my heart. I’d do anything to protect him.
And if I thought about it, I’d do anything to protect Ingram, too.
And now, I had another name to add to that list.
I wouldn’t have to think for a second to give my life for theirs.
Though, I hoped it would never come to that, because the idea of spending a lifetime with all of them suddenly gripped my heart really fucking tightly.
“Thanks, man,” I said as I swallowed down the last apple slice and got to my feet.
“You want to hug now?” he asked with a fucking funny twinkle in his eye.
“I would, but I’m pretty sure I’ve done enough already to warrant another ass beating from Ky. No need to add to it.” I had no idea why I’d sort of admitted to things right then, but I did. I’d fucked up with Ingram… again. And there was no way to deny it.
Chris didn’t look surprised and I shrugged it off.
I was an asshole.
I needed to own it now.
But having him sort of know, made me feel a tiny bit lighter.
“Love her, or let her go,” he said with a serious nod.
I couldn’t answer because I didn’t have one to give yet.
So I sent him a chin jerk letting him know that I’d heard him, and then I left out the front door.
I tore through the city and back to my girl with a slight weight lifted off of my shoulders.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Ingram
Ky and Chris were having a secret conversation. And no, it wasn’t one of those sexy ones that they tried to keep hidden from my ears. This was something else. I could feel it the moment I stepped into the main area and heard their harsh whispers coming from the couch.
I didn’t know if I should have listened in or announced my presence.
I got that Ky had club stuff or whatever and I wasn’t supposed to know what went on. Honestly, most of the time I didn’t want to know about it. I was older. I was wiser. And I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that the club wasn’t exactly on the legal side of the line.
Did I care about that?
Well, that wasn’t such an easy answer.
I did because I worried about Ky. And Mouse. And all of the other guys. If things were dangerous… well, I didn’t want anything bad to ever happen to them. Chris would be heartbroken. And I would be too.
I decided it was best not to be a snoop, clearing my throat to let them know I was there. I didn’t even miss the way they both jumped, which told me that they definitely didn’t want me to know what they were talking about.
I wasn’t hurt by it.
What I was hurt by, was Mouse and his lack of contact.
I was worried about him.
To the point that I cried alone in my bed at night again last night.
Four days I hadn’t heard from him.
Four days of wondering what was going on and if he was alright.
It was stupid and I knew that I cried, but I couldn’t help the fear that pulled at my heart when I was alone in the dark.
I was sure that if he was dead they would have told me. Or it would have been front and center for club talk and I would have heard about it by now. I had to pray that he was okay and that he was simply taking care of something. Still, it wasn’t like him not to return my text messages… all one thousand of them. Okay, maybe I hadn’t been that bad, but I’d been frantically sending him stuff hoping he would answer just one of them.
I saw that it was clingy and desperate. And as the hours ticked on, I started to feel more anger than worry fill my head.
“Hey, Ingram,” Chris said with warmth in his tone like always. “You okay?”
“Just a little hungry. I wanted to get some ice cream but I didn’t want to scare you,” I replied trying to brush off the fact that I knew something was up.
Keeping the Mouse thing quiet was something I wasn’t sure about. I couldn’t even tell you what the Mouse-thing was but I knew that Ky would lose his shit if he knew how far things had gone. Especially since it seemed like Mouse was avoiding me now.
I didn’t understand why though. Mouse was a good man. A kind man. And he loved Chry so much. He didn’t even hide that part. In fact, Mouse treated Chry as if he were his own son. Which, yes, caused a warmness to fill my heart when I thought about it.
And maybe I was starting to see that could have been the problem.
I still didn’t know how to navigate this life stuff. As much as I’d learned while I was gone, I learned nothing on how to handle matters of the heart. But I was smart enough to know that there was something there between us and that it was more than a hopeful, bright-eyed girl wishing for someone to look after her.
I didn’t need Mouse.
I wanted him.
When I was with him, I felt more alive than I had ever before. I felt this humming, almost buzzing, throughout my whole body. I felt safe and wanted to be a little bit dangerous at the same time.
Could I explain it?
No, but then again, I didn’t really want to.
When it came to Mouse, I could admit I was conflicted. My heart kept trying to tell me one thing while my head wanted to argue and try to explain it all away.
Like…
I felt connected to Mouse because he’d been there when I most needed someone.
He’d stepped right in and helped me not freak out when I gave birth to Chry. And even before that.
He’d written me back, even if it had taken him a while.
In other words, my brain was trying to tell me it was all a desperate girl’s dream. A stupid fantasy. While my heart was trying to argue that it was real.
Did I feel like it was real?
Yes.
Could I explain why in words?
Not really.
And I didn’t really want to. When Mouse held me in his arms, I felt loved. And when he talked to me, I didn’t feel like some stupid, naïve girl that didn’t know anything. I felt like I was perfect. I had this singing in my soul that told me I was enough for someone just the way I was.
My head hurt thinking about it.
I honestly had no clue where Mouse stood in all of this. For all I knew, he was just playing with me. And as much as I wanted to believe that wasn’t true, I knew well enough to see that it might have been that way for him. After all, when I’d come back here, he’d had a girlfriend, or so I assumed she was. And I knew that they’d more than likely done things. Like the things he’d done with me and maybe even more. I wasn’t all that sure of what the more part could be, but I didn’t want to think about that.
“Ingram?” Ky’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “You okay?”
“Oh, yes,” I said as I remembered why I’d come out here.
I dug around until I found the ice cream.
There was a look shared between Ky and Chris as I sat down with my bowl on the other couch. I didn’t miss it but I wasn’t sure if I should say anything about it. So I focused on the TV as I ate my yummy sweet treat.
Eventually, something snapped inside of me. It could have been Ky’s irritation rolling off of him or the pity looks that Chris kept giving me out of the side of his eye. Or it could have been the fact that Mouse had basically been a ghost and no one would tell me anything.
“What is going on?” I asked sharply as my head turned to look at both of them.
Chris lightly sighed while Ky’s throat worked with a hard swallow.
