Cast Me Gently

by Caren J. Werlinger

  “She’s just kind of pretending Ellie doesn’t exist,” Teresa said. She had told Bernie about the argument after everyone had left the house that awful Sunday. “She hasn’t said one word to me about her.” She busied herself with the espresso machine, hoping the noise would drown out any bits of their conversation her mother might overhear.

  “Jesus, this is bad.”

  “She’s also not leaving me alone for a minute,” Teresa added, glancing back toward the office where her mother was fussing with the ledger. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “She’s coming in early and staying late. I know it’s to keep me from calling Ellie. I hear her get out of bed if I get up to pee during the night. I can’t even sneak downstairs to call.”

  “So you haven’t talked to her at all?”

  Teresa shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “Listen, Bennie. Sylvia’s going to force you to be the one to bring it up, and she’s betting you won’t have the guts for a confrontation. She’s hoping you’ll just let it go, and everything will go back to being like it was. If you really love Ellie, you are going to have to stand up to your mother.”

  Teresa blanched. “You didn’t hear her. The things she said.”

  “Seriously.” Bernie leaned over the coffee counter. “What’s the worst that could happen? She kicks you out? So, you come live with me, or move in with Rob and Karen for a while. Or you and Ellie actually live together like two grown-ups. Jesus Christ, it’s your life. You gotta stop letting your mother treat you like you’re sixteen.”

  Teresa thought about that conversation now as she counted the store’s cash drawer. She had been thinking about it every minute of every day since she and Bernie had spoken. Bernie was right. It was time.

  “Hey.”

  Ellie blinked as Sullivan snapped his fingers in front of her face.

  “What?”

  “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”

  “Sorry.” She shifted on the couch to face him. “What were you saying?”

  He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I was boring myself. So, where were you?”

  Ellie shrugged. “Just trying to decide what to do about Louise’s offer.”

  “Free food. Sounds like a no-brainer to me.”

  Ellie laughed. “It would to you. I’m just afraid, if it wasn’t working out, I’d never be able to tell Louise I was quitting. And what about travelling? How can I take two weeks or a month off when Louise is supposed to be taking it easy?”

  “Have you talked to her about it?”

  “Not yet,” Ellie said. “But I guess I should.”

  “Why don’t you start spending some time there, learning more about the diner? Kind of like an intern. Then you’ll know whether you’d like it.” Sullivan’s stomach growled. “How about we go down there now?”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. Let me grab my wallet. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  A few minutes later, they were on a bus.

  “Where’s Teresa been?” Sullivan asked, giving her a sidelong glance. “I haven’t seen her in weeks.”

  Ellie turned to look out the grimy window at the passing sidewalk below them. She hadn’t confided in him, but Sullivan wasn’t stupid. He knew Teresa had been spending several nights a week with Ellie, and, suddenly, she wasn’t. Sullivan was a good guy, but he was a guy. “I guess she’s been busy at their store.” She closed her eyes, remembering how somber Bernie had been about the pressure Teresa was going to face from her mother. Ellie had hoped Teresa would find the courage to stand up to Sylvia, that this time, Ellie would be the prize worth choosing….

  Ellie was up to her elbows in flour and piecrust when Louise came into the diner’s kitchen, followed by Patty.

  “Doesn’t look like you need me at all,” Louise said, taking in the piles of freshly cut apples waiting to fill the crust.

  “I don’t know,” Ellie said. “I think I measured everything according to your recipe, but the proof will be when the customers eat it.”

  “Well, bake it up and we’ll have a piece of pie to celebrate,” Louise said.

  “How was the doctor’s visit?” Ellie asked as she spooned a sugar and cinnamon mixture over the apples.

  She looked up when there was no answer. Patty crossed her arms over her chest.

  “You gonna tell her? Or am I?”

  Louise gave a wave of her hand. “He said there’s a blockage.”

  “He said,” Patty said, “that she has two blocked arteries and needs bypass surgery.”

  “What?” Ellie nearly dropped the measuring cup. “You have to have surgery?”

  “Maybe,” said Louise.

  “Mama, there is no maybe about it,” Patty said. “He said your arteries are over eighty percent blocked. If you don’t have a bypass, you will have a full-blown heart attack.”

  “When? How long will you be out?”

  Ellie looked around in a panic. She’d been coming down to the diner most evenings after she finished at the bank, trying to learn the ins and outs of running the place. There was so much to learn: ordering food and supplies, making a schedule, running payroll and taxes. And that was all in addition to actually working the diner—waiting on customers and ringing them up. It was overwhelming.

  “The doctor said no work for at least six weeks,” Patty said.

  “Six weeks?” Ellie sat down hard on a stool.

  Louise laid a hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get that pie in the oven and then I’ll show you how to do payroll.”

  Ellie finished scooping the pie filling into the waiting crust, then laid the upper crust out in a lattice pattern before sliding the pan into the oven. “Julius?” She set a timer. “Can you keep an eye on this for me?”

  “Sure thing,” he said from the grill as Ellie washed up the flour and sugar on the marble baking slab.

  She knocked on Louise’s office door—the place my soul was laid bare, she remembered with a droll smile. Her smile broadened as she saw a dill pickle lying on a plate on the desk. She tried to laugh, but it suddenly caught in her throat.

  “What’s the matter, baby girl?”

  Ellie kept her eyes lowered. “Nothing important.”

  “You’re a horrible liar.” Louise leaned forward and took Ellie’s hand. “Tell me.”

  Ellie looked up at her and tried to smile. She didn’t want to tell Louise her worries—that the bank was becoming intolerable with Aaron Myers waiting to ambush her on an almost daily basis, or how lonely she was lately—not with Louise’s health concerns.

  “I just miss Teresa. She’s been really busy and we haven’t been able to see each other lately.”

  Louise squeezed Ellie’s hand. “Some people are worth fighting for. I think Teresa is one of them. Don’t you give up.”

  Ellie nodded. She took a breath and reached for the pickle. “All right. Show me how to do payroll.”

  Teresa sat on the porch step, watching the kids run around the aunts’ front yard, hunting for the Easter eggs she had hidden earlier.

  As far as she could tell, her mother hadn’t said anything to anyone else. The aunts still treated her normally, though she kept catching Anita watching her with a worried expression on her face. Teresa knew she looked like crap. She still wasn’t sleeping and she’d lost a lot more weight. Any other time, I’d be happy to be this thin, she thought sometimes, but she missed Ellie with a physical ache that never went away.

  Just a few minutes ago, Karen had come to her. “We’re concerned about you. Is there anything we can do?”

  Blinking rapidly as sudden tears stung her eyes, Teresa had shaken her head. “No. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

  Teresa sat now, thinking about that. There wasn’t anything anyone else could do. Only she could do what needed to be done.

  “What’s the worst that
could happen?”

  Bernie’s question rang in her mind, fighting to be heard over her mother’s, “How could you do this to us?”

  Bernie’s voice spoke more loudly. “Jesus Christ, it’s your life. You gotta stop letting your mother treat you like you’re sixteen.”

  Francesca came outside, carrying the baby, while, down in the yard, Sylvia led Daniela and Rickie to a couple of the hidden eggs.

  “Ma, they’re supposed to find the eggs themselves,” Francesca said. She looked at Teresa with a roll of her eyes. She sat beside Teresa, handing the baby over to her. “Where’s Ellie? I haven’t seen her in ages. I thought for sure she’d be here today.”

  Teresa lowered her head, smelling little Annalisa’s soft hair. It was a moment before she could trust her voice to say, “She’s been busy lately. I haven’t seen much of her.”

  “Well, when you do, tell her I miss having her around.” Francesca stood up to go to Rickie as he sat in the yard crying when Daniela took his egg.

  What are you doing here? Teresa asked herself. You know what you need to do.

  She started to stand, but then sat back down. Three times, she changed her mind, quailing from taking that step. Anita came out onto the porch.

  “How’s my goddaughter?”

  Teresa got to her feet and handed the baby to her. “I’m not sure when I’ll see you again,” Teresa said breathlessly. She gave her aunt a quick hug and turned to descend the steps.

  “Where are you going?” Sylvia demanded as Teresa went down the walk. “Teresa! Don’t you walk away from me.”

  Teresa turned to look at her mother. “You know where I’m going.”

  “Don’t you dare!” Sylvia said shrilly. “If you leave here now, don’t you dare come back.”

  “What is this?” Anita asked, coming down off the porch. Annalisa started crying at the raised voices. “What’s wrong?”

  Teresa turned her back and walked to her car, ignoring her mother’s threats and Anita’s demands to know what was going on. The yelling and commotion had brought the rest of the family out onto the porch. Teresa paused to look back. Robbie gave her a nod. Her heart was in her throat as she got in and turned the ignition. If you drive away now, there’s no going back. She put the car in first gear and roared away from the curb.

  She glanced at her watch and saw that it was nearly eleven. She drove straight to the cemetery. She parked and found her way to Ellie’s mother’s grave. No fresh flowers. She squatted down and plucked away some fallen leaves that had gathered against the headstone.

  “I don’t know if you would approve,” she whispered. “I just hope I’m not too late.”

  She found a bench nearby and sat to wait. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she saw Ellie coming from the direction of her father’s grave. She didn’t see Teresa sitting there. Teresa waited respectfully while Ellie visited with her mother, placing a fresh bouquet of flowers on her grave. Ellie stood and turned around. She stopped when she saw Teresa. Teresa got to her feet.

  Ellie approached slowly. “What are you doing here?”

  “Waiting for you.” Teresa stood rooted to the spot. “I needed to see you.”

  “It’s Easter,” Ellie said.

  Teresa nodded.

  “What about your family?”

  Teresa gave a funny shrug. “I’m not sure that will be an issue after today.” Ellie frowned. “My mother pitched a fit when I left. She knew I was coming to find you.”

  Teresa suddenly felt light-headed and had to sit down again. Ellie sat beside her.

  “Are you okay?”

  Teresa looked at her and tried to smile. “That depends.”

  “On what?”

  Teresa opened her mouth but no words would come out. She tried again. “On you. I just walked away from my mother. I’m not sure if there’s any going back from that. What I don’t know is if you can forgive me for these past few weeks.”

  Ellie took her hand. “There’s nothing to forgive. I know this has been hard on you.” Her voice had a catch.

  “Hard on both of us, I think.”

  They looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment before Teresa allowed herself to fall into Ellie’s embrace.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” Ellie murmured when they parted.

  “I have tried calling a few times,” Teresa said, still holding Ellie’s hand.

  “Did you? I didn’t dare call you. I was afraid your mother might answer, and I would just make things worse.” Ellie searched Teresa’s face. “I’ve been helping out down at the diner. Louise has had some health issues.”

  “Oh, Ellie. I am so sorry,” Teresa said. “Is she okay?”

  Ellie nodded. “She’s all right. I’ll tell you more about it later.”

  “You must be exhausted,” Teresa said.

  “I am,” Ellie admitted with a wan smile. “But I’m learning a lot. I’ve learned how to run payroll and I’m a much better baker now.”

  “I can help,” Teresa said.

  “Really?”

  Teresa’s face fell. “I’m not sure I’ll have a job tomorrow.”

  “You just walked away?”

  “I had to,” Teresa said. “I couldn’t stand not being with you.”

  They sat side by side for a long time.

  “What now?” Teresa forced herself to ask at last.

  Ellie stood and tugged on Teresa’s hand. “Let’s go home.”

  CHAPTER 24

  Teresa lay with Ellie’s back snugged up against her, soft and warm against Teresa’s arm. She turned her head to the nightstand where the framed calligraphy stood—the only other one Ellie had ever made and the only one still in existence. Teresa knew now Ellie had made it for her mother.

  Be still and know that I am God…

  This psalm had become a touchstone these last three weeks. She hadn’t seen or talked to her mother. Bernie had gone over to collect Teresa’s clothes for her.

  “Jesus Christ, Bennie,” she’d said when she arrived at Ellie’s. “I’ve seen your mother pissed over the years, but I’ve never seen her like this. It’s like—”

  Bernie stopped abruptly.

  “Like I don’t exist?” Teresa said with a tight-lipped smile. “I knew she would be like this.”

  “I got all your clothes, but…the framed thing you asked me to get? It was smashed and the paper inside was torn to bits. All over your bed.”

  Teresa nodded. She’d expected as much.

  “I got this, though,” Bernie said, holding up Teresa’s rosary. “Was she this bad with Robbie?”

  Teresa ran the familiar mother-of-pearl beads through her fingers. “It felt like it at the time, because Pop was angry, too. But that was different.”

  “Has your father said anything?”

  “Not a word,” Teresa said. “I called Pop and told him I could either work the Oakland store, or I’m leaving Benedetto’s to work for someone else. His choice. In his world, if he doesn’t have to talk about it or hear about it, it doesn’t exist. So, I’m working at the Oakland store, Dom is at Morningside, and Gianni is in Bloomfield. He gets to deal with Ma. I can imagine the conversations they’re having.” She heard the bitterness in her own voice and saw the expression on Ellie’s face. “I told you, this is not your fault.”

  “I know, but I feel awful,” Ellie said.

  Bernie gave a wave of her hand. “My mother tried to kick me out a hundred times when I was young. I’d go stay with Bennie for a couple of days and my mother would call and I’d go back. It’s what we do.”

  Ellie didn’t look reassured. Neither did Teresa.

  “It’ll be okay,” Teresa forced herself to say. “I won’t give in, but my mother can stay angry longer than Bernie’s. Annalisa may be graduating from college before we’re invited over again.”
<
br />   “Have you talked to anyone else?” Bernie asked.

  “I gave Rob and Karen this phone number. We’re going over there for dinner next Wednesday. Why don’t you come along?”

  “I will.” Bernie got up. “I better get home.” She paused at the door and looked back at Teresa and Ellie. “Who would’ve ever guessed that you’d be the real rebel?”

  Teresa smiled now in the early morning twilight. Bernie was right. Part of what was making this so hard for her mother was that Teresa had never done anything wrong or rebellious—Hell, I’d never done anything, period.

  Her smile faded. She would never say so to Ellie, but it was weird living with just one other person. Only Sullivan and Bernie had been by a few times. It was so quiet. As much as Teresa had longed for quiet when it was nowhere to be had, it felt strange now, and a niggling doubt had begun to make itself felt—a doubt that made her wonder if she could be happy with just Ellie forever. Forever. That was such a scary word. Could her mother stay angry forever? Would Teresa be forever cut off from everyone else she loved? Robbie and Karen would still see them, but she wasn’t so sure about Francesca. She knew her sister liked Ellie, but she had become more like their mother as she had more kids. And then, there were the aunts. They were as conservative and close-minded as Sylvia about many things. But they were also naïve and innocent when it came to sex, and Teresa didn’t know how explicit her mother might have been about Teresa’s living arrangement with Ellie.

  She felt positively sinful. She hadn’t been to church. She had no desire to have another public confrontation with her mother. She could have gone to another mass or a different church, but she hadn’t been to confession—“I have nothing to confess,” she insisted to herself stubbornly—and so wouldn’t have gone to Communion anyhow.

  Ellie shrugged when Teresa mentioned this. “You know how I feel about church.” She wrapped her arms around Teresa’s neck. “I’m sure we can find better ways to spend Sunday mornings.”