“Oh, I have missed you so much,” Ellie said, her voice muffled from somewhere in Louise’s soft bosom.
“And I’ve missed you, baby girl,” Louise said. “I’ve brought you a surprise.”
She released Ellie and stepped aside.
Ellie’s mouth fell open.
“Hi,” said Teresa.
CHAPTER 32
Teresa turned over, looking out the windows at the nighttime Baltimore skyline from Ellie’s couch. Impatiently, she tugged at the sheet and punched the pillow.
“I told you surprising her might not be a good idea,” she could hear Bernie saying.
She closed her eyes, trying to shut out the expression on Ellie’s face once the initial shock of her unexpected appearance had faded.
Louise, apparently reading the situation, had said to Marion, “Come buy me a drink. We’ll leave these two here to catch up.”
She and Marion had left the office, pulling the door shut. Teresa had stood there awkwardly, waiting for Ellie to say something.
Ellie’s affect was completely flat as she said, “Can I get you anything? Are you hungry or thirsty?”
What did you expect, that she’d collapse into your arms?
Grudgingly, Teresa had to admit she had pictured something like that. Ellie, though, had not seemed to want to be alone with her. Rather than staying in the office to talk, she’d taken Teresa out to the bar and served her a glass of wine, handing her a menu.
“I won’t be off for a couple of hours,” Ellie said, not meeting Teresa’s eyes.
“That’s okay,” Teresa said. “I know this was unexpected. I’ll wait.”
Ellie nodded. “I have to go check on the kitchen.”
Teresa had nibbled on some steamed shrimp, trying to ignore the uneasiness in her stomach. She doesn’t want to see you. She may not even want you to stay with her. Teresa hadn’t considered any of those possibilities before saying she’d come with Louise.
When Louise left with Marion, Ellie had said, “My place isn’t far from here. I’ll just be a few more minutes.”
She’d seen to the closing of the restaurant, and left the kitchen crew to clean up. “Ready?”
They’d gone out to Teresa’s VW. Apart from Ellie’s directions, it was a silent ride to her apartment. She went to shower while Teresa sat on the couch with KC.
“At least you’re happy to see me,” Teresa had whispered as KC rubbed all over her, purring loudly.
When Ellie came out, smelling clean, her hair still damp, she’d sat on the far end of the couch from Teresa, her legs drawn to her chest. “How are you? I mean, the last time I saw you, you were…”
“I was still kind of a mess.” Teresa nodded. “I’m better now. It took a while.”
“Are you still living with Rob and Karen?”
“No,” Teresa said. “Rob helped me find a house to rent. I’m back working at the Bloomfield store.”
Ellie seemed surprised as she took that information in. “Working with your mother?”
“Yes, but it’s different now. I have more of a life of my own. It’s different.”
Ellie searched Teresa’s face, her eyes wary. Suddenly, she asked, “Why are you here?”
It was Teresa’s turn to gape. She’d not expected any of this. In her imaginings, everything would be forgiven as soon as she showed up. You are such an idiot. “I miss you,” she said at last.
Ellie’s eyes were hard. “It’s been almost four months. Almost four months since I stood in front of you, telling you I loved you and practically begging you to go away with me. You turned away. Do you remember that?”
Miserably, Teresa nodded. “I know. I was still so angry—at you, at the bastards who attacked me, at the world basically. I wasn’t ready to let anyone close again.”
Ellie watched her, but said nothing for long seconds. “And now you are?” Without waiting for an answer, she continued, “But now, I’ve moved on. I’m making a new life for myself. I… I’ve met someone.”
Teresa stared at this admission. This was one thing she had absolutely not been prepared to hear. Not for one second over these past months had she thought of being with someone else. She wasn’t with Ellie, but she’d not had any desire to find someone new. But Ellie has.
“Oh.”
She turned away from Ellie, facing the windows. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry to have barged in on you like this. It’s kind of awkward now. Louise wants to visit with Marion all weekend. And you. I can go to a hotel if you’d rather.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Ellie said, looking anywhere but at Teresa. “I’ll get some sheets and a blanket. You can sleep out here.”
Teresa pressed the sheet to her eyes now, willing herself not to cry. You’ve got two days to get through, and then you can leave and never have to see her again. Just two days.
Ellie woke from a bit of fitful sleep just as dawn began to chase the shadows from her room. She’d lain awake most of the night, listening to the creaking of the sofa springs as Teresa tossed and turned. She was sure Teresa wasn’t sleeping, either. All night long, a circular argument had run through Ellie’s head.
She came back to you.
She came back when she was damn good and ready to come back. With no warning. Just assuming I’d be alone, waiting for her.
Well, you are alone. And what was with the “I met someone” comment?
Ellie threw her arms over her face. It just came out. I didn’t want her to think I’ve just been sitting around wishing she’d come back to me.
But that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. Why can’t you just say so?
She couldn’t answer that. There was nothing to keep her from just going to Teresa, just going out there and kissing her and telling her how much she’d been missed. Ellie actually sat up on the side of the bed. KC sleepily raised her head to look at her. For a long moment, Ellie wavered—just go, said that voice—but, with an exasperated sigh, she flung herself back down on the bed and yanked the covers up to her chin.
Ellie lay there now, wondering if Teresa was awake. Giving up at last on getting any more sleep herself, she went to the bathroom and then pulled on a sweatshirt and slippers and quietly opened the bedroom door. She immediately smelled coffee. Stepping out into the living room, she saw Teresa sitting cross-legged on the sofa, her blanket over her legs, holding a cup of coffee.
“Morning,” Teresa said.
“Morning.” Ellie pointed toward the kitchen. “Be right back.” She poured herself a cup of coffee. KC trotted into the kitchen meowing for some breakfast. Ellie fed her and carried her coffee back to the living room. She curled up on the opposite end of the couch again. It seemed this distance between them—two cushions’ worth—was as impenetrable as a stone wall.
“So did you ever… I mean,” Teresa hemmed. “I just thought you would never be able to leave Pittsburgh unless you found out something definitive about Daniel.”
Ellie took a sip of her coffee before saying, “I never did. I might still have been there if not for Louise. She told me I had to stop living my life waiting for people who weren’t coming back.”
“Like me.”
Ellie didn’t respond.
Teresa shifted on the sofa. “I am so sorry…” she said. “About everything that happened.”
“So am I.” Ellie shook her head. “I never meant for you to get hurt. It was so horrible, not being able to come to you, and then, when I did…”
“I know.” Teresa frowned at her coffee cup. “I wanted you to hurt. I couldn’t admit that to myself for a long time. All those times you went out, wandering around, never worrying, never afraid. It felt like—” She stopped.
“What? It felt like what?” Ellie leaned forward.
Teresa met her gaze. “It felt like you never had to face any consequences for your actions. It
felt like I paid instead.”
Ellie watched her. “I think, in some ways, I paid through you. I can’t imagine how terrifying that must have been for you, but the guilt of knowing you were lying there because of me was terrible.”
Teresa closed her eyes. “I hated those men. I’ve never felt anything so… so toxic. It poisoned me. For a long time.”
Her eyes opened, and, just for a moment, Ellie could see a hardness in Teresa’s gaze. It only lasted an instant, and then Teresa’s eyes were soft again—the way she’d drawn them.
“You blamed me,” Ellie said. “You wanted me to feel what you felt.”
Teresa nodded.
They sat in silence for a long time, each lost in her thoughts.
“Are you really seeing someone else?” Teresa asked as if the words were being dragged out of her.
“Well, I did meet someone.” Ellie gave a little shrug. “A creepy someone.”
They both laughed a little and then lapsed into silence again.
“What now?” Teresa asked at last.
Ellie didn’t answer immediately. “I don’t know.” She glanced at the clock. “We’d better shower and eat breakfast. Marion and Louise are expecting us.”
It seemed to Teresa later that every minute of that day was burned into her memory with a kind of super clarity. Knowing it would probably be the last day she would ever spend with Ellie, she found herself paying special attention to every detail—the gleam of sunlight on Ellie’s hair as they walked the streets of Fell’s Point with Marion and Louise, the music of Ellie’s laughter at something Louise said, the way Ellie spontaneously slipped her arm through Louise’s as she pointed out some gulls squawking and squabbling over a piece of bread. Teresa followed behind, wishing it were her arm that Ellie had taken.
She tried to put aside the gut-wrenching thoughts of what it would feel like to say good-bye to her tomorrow. Just be here with her now, today, she kept telling herself. Her life, she knew, would never again feel complete. Perhaps it had never been complete; she simply hadn’t known what was missing until she had Ellie to love.
They toured the campus of Johns Hopkins University, and then went to the Baltimore Museum of Art, where they had lunch at the museum’s café. Local artists’ paintings hung on the walls.
Ellie asked Louise for updates on everyone at the diner. Louise filled her in.
“Patty’s still working at the diner?” Ellie asked.
“Yes,” Louise said. “And I’m taking it easier. I know that’s your next question.”
Ellie smiled. “I just want to make sure you’ll be around a good, long time.”
After lunch, Marion drove them back to the Inner Harbor, where she and Louise decided to settle on a bench and catch up on family news while Teresa and Ellie wandered around.
“Any news with your family?” Ellie asked.
“Well, there’s going to be a new addition to Robbie and Karen’s family,” Teresa said with a smile.
“Really?” Ellie reached out and grasped Teresa’s arm.
Startled, Teresa looked down, and Ellie withdrew as if she’d been stung, her cheeks burning furiously. “It’s a golden retriever puppy.” Teresa still felt the warmth where Ellie had touched her. “They enjoyed having Lucy there so much, they decided to get a puppy. They’re four weeks old now, so they have wait a month before she’ll be ready to take home.”
“You’re kidding,” Ellie said. “No one in your family has a dog.”
“I know.” Teresa wished with all her heart she were brave enough to take Ellie’s hand. She twitched in her direction, but pulled back, slipping her hand into her jacket pocket. “My mother had plenty to say about it, but you know Rob. He got over that a long time ago.”
“Too bad you couldn’t.”
Ellie didn’t say it, but Teresa could hear the words as clearly as if Ellie had shouted them.
She walked on. Ellie followed. “Bernie asked me to say hello,” Teresa said.
Ellie smiled. “More likely she told you to ask me what the hell I’m doing in Baltimore.”
Teresa chuckled. “Well, that kind of was her reaction when I told her where you were.”
“You ever see Sullivan?”
“Not since…” She paused. “Thank you for the calligraphy.”
Ellie stood watching the historic boats bobbing at the dock. Teresa stood beside her, wondering what she could say or do to fix things between them. Searching for something, anything, to fill the void, Teresa said, “I heard Marion saying something last night about you attending classes. Are you going to?”
Ellie shrugged, walking along the dock. “I had never thought of myself as being able to go to college. Not since before Mom died.”
“What did you want to be when you were little?”
Ellie smiled. “You mean, after I decided I couldn’t be Jo March? I thought I’d probably end up being a teacher, like Mom.”
“You’d be a wonderful teacher,” Teresa said. “You should take Marion up on her offer.”
“It’s kind of scary, thinking about going back to school now,” Ellie admitted. “I mean, I’m so much older than everyone else, and my last year of high school wasn’t so great.”
“Only because you were working to support yourself,” Teresa said. “You are the kind of student they would kill for. Motivated, hard-working, old enough to want to be there.”
Ellie looked at her. “You think so?”
Teresa stared into Ellie’s eyes, those eyes that used to look at her with so much love in them. For a long moment, they stood like that. For the first time since Teresa’s arrival, Ellie’s eyes were soft and unguarded—until a group of elementary students swarmed around them to see the ships. Just like that, Ellie shut down and she broke eye contact.
“We should probably get back to Marion and Louise,” she said. “They might be ready to leave.”
Reluctantly, Teresa accompanied Ellie back to where the older women were just getting to their feet.
“I need sweet potato pie,” Marion declared. “Come on home and we’ll cook up a storm.”
Marion led them to her apartment on the fourth floor of an upscale building nearby.
Ellie gasped when they stepped inside. “Look at that view!”
“That’s what I wanted,” Marion said proudly. “This is what I’ve worked so hard for. I don’t want a husband and children, expecting me to wait on them after I get home from a long day. I don’t want to have to worry about a yard and flowers when I’ve already got no time.”
She uncorked a bottle of wine and poured four glasses. “You two sit and visit,” she said to Louise and Ellie. To Teresa, she said, “I hear you’re quite a cook. Come on, and we’ll see what we can fry up together.”
“That was nice,” Teresa said a few hours later as she drove them back to Ellie’s apartment. “I like Marion.”
“Mmm,” Ellie said, watching the passing scenery. “She’s no Louise, but I’m learning a lot. She doesn’t take any nonsense from anyone.”
Teresa was tempted to keep driving, just to delay the inevitable separation of Ellie’s going to her room, leaving Teresa on the living room sofa, but Ellie said, “Turn right here.”
Upstairs, KC greeted them. Ellie fed her. Putting the cat food back in the refrigerator, she asked, “You want some more wine? You only had one glass because you were driving.”
“I’ll have one if you do,” Teresa said.
“Sure.”
They carried their wine out to the living room, leaving the lights off, and taking their accustomed places on the couch.
“You have a nice view, too,” Teresa said.
Ellie nodded. “I know. I was lucky to find this place. There are still paint splatters on the floor from when this was the studio of the guy downstairs.”
They settled into a silence that
didn’t have the prickliness that had been there the night before. Do something. Teresa got up and went to where her suitcase sat in a corner. Reaching between folded clothing, she pulled out a frame.
She laid the calligraphy on Ellie’s lap and sat again. “Your note said I could bring this back to you someday,” she said softly. “This isn’t exactly how I pictured it, but you should have this back.”
Ellie looked up at her, her face half-lit by the illumination of the picture window. Teresa impulsively reached out for Ellie’s hand. “I know we’ve been through a bad time. I know I hurt you, but I love you. I will never love anyone the way I love you. Can’t we find a way to move past this?”
She held her breath for long seconds as Ellie stared into her eyes, and then her heart fell as Ellie pulled her hand away.
“We probably could,” said Ellie. “If it was just us. But it isn’t, is it? What happens the next time your mother gives you a demand or ultimatum? What happens when your family needs you to be there? What happens to me the next time you feel pulled back to a family that won’t accept me?” Tears filled her eyes and spilled over, leaving tracks that glittered on her cheeks. “I don’t think my heart could take that again.”
Teresa shifted closer and reached out, gently wiping the tears away with her thumb as she cradled Ellie’s cheek. “When you came to see me at Rob’s, you asked me if I still loved you. I just told you I do. Now, I’m the one asking. Do you still love me? Never mind those other things. Do you still love me?”
Ellie pushed to her feet and went to the window, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as she stared out at the city. Teresa followed, standing near, but not touching her again.
“I’m not sure I would have found the courage to come to you by myself,” Teresa said softly.
Ellie wiped a hand across her cheek. “I don’t understand.”
“A few weeks ago, Robbie and Karen and Anita ambushed me,” Teresa said. “They sat me down and told me they supported us. Anita has a story she’ll have to tell you herself, a heartbreaking story. She doesn’t want me to end up like she did. She told me…” She had to pause; her heart was pounding so fast, she thought she might not be able to take another breath. “She told me if I loved you, I had to come to you.”
Cast Me Gently Page 32
