by Anthology
"The great thing is to look at the country as a whole—I don't mean geographically, but spiritually. There is always a tendency for foolish people to take this idea from one country and that institution from another. Enthusiastic reformers are ready to shut their eyes to everything else if only they can get support for their particular fads. If you find after a real study of Meccanian life that you would like to turn your own country into a second edition of Meccania, I shall say, like old Dogberry, that you are not the man I took you for."
He impressed upon me the importance of a thorough knowledge of the language, but I was able to satisfy him on that score; for I had learnt to read easily before coming to Europe, and had already undertaken a long course of colloquial Meccanian under a good teacher during a visit to Francaria. Besides, I rather prided myself on my aptitude for languages, and considered myself well equipped. So I packed up all the miscellaneous goods I had collected, and stored them in Lunopolis, reserving only a couple of trunks filled with the usual necessaries for a mere tourist.
I had my passport from our own Government.
I procured another from the Luniland Foreign Office. I obtained, further, the necessary permission from the Meccanian Government, and, choosing the shortest route, arrived at the outer frontier on March 28th. As most people know, Meccania has a double frontier on the Western side. A belt of country twenty miles wide is preserved as neutral territory, a veritable No Man's Land. This is a relic from the Great War. It is entirely uninhabited and uncultivated. Not a single line of railway crosses it, and only five roads, which are merely rough tracks, lead across it from various points to the five frontier towns on the inner side. These are the only gates into Meccania on the West. The small town on the outer frontier in Francaria, through which I was to pass, is called Graves. Here my first delay occurred. Intercourse with Meccania is so limited that although the official conveyance goes only once a week, I found no more than a dozen persons collected there in readiness for the journey across No Man's Land. I was about to take my place in the conveyance provided to carry us to Bridgetown on the inner frontier, when it was discovered that I had no ticket authorising me to make this journey. I produced my passports and the letter giving me permission to travel in Meccania, but the official who took charge of foreigners pointed to a printed instruction on the back of the letter informing me that a ticket would be forwarded by a later post.
No explanations or expostulations were of any use. Until I had that ticket I could not enter Meccania. The conveyance went only once a week. There was nothing for it therefore but to stay at some hotel in Graves, or return to Lunopolis in search of my missing ticket. I put up at a small hotel in Graves and telegraphed to my last address for my letters. These arrived two days later, and among them was my precious ticket.
The week I spent in Graves forms no part of my Meccanian tour, so I will say nothing about it except that it gave me an opportunity of seeing the extraordinary sight of No Man's Land. It stretched like a belt of desert as far as one could see. Rough grass grew here and there, but no other vegetation. Every year, in the warm weather, the grass was fired, and other means were taken also to ensure that the weeds should not injure the vegetation on the cultivated side, which by contrast looked like a garden. At intervals of every twenty yards or so an iron pole was erected with wire between. Otherwise there was no obstacle; but no unauthorised person, so I was told, ever crossed the line.
At the end of the week a few more travellers arrived and were met by the conveyance from Bridgetown. It was something like a large prison van, but quite comfortable inside except for the fact that the passengers could not see outside. My fellow-passengers were evidently strangers to one another. One or two, I thought, were Meccanians returning home, but as there was little conversation and the journey lasted not more than an hour, I was able to learn nothing about any of them. When the car stopped—it was a sort of large motor-omnibus—the door was opened by a porter in a dark blue uniform, and I found myself in the large courtyard of the Bridgetown Police Office. What became of my fellow-passengers I have no idea, but I was conducted to a waitingroom, where another subordinate official in a grey uniform took my papers, and about ten minutes after led me into a small office adjoining, where a man in a green uniform sat at a desk surrounded by neat little bundles of papers of various colours. He was a rather stout man of middle age, with bushy iron-grey hair and whiskers, yet rather bald in front. With his light grey eyes slightly protruding, he looked at me for a few seconds and said,' Mr. Ming?"
I said, "I am Mr. Ming."
"I am Inspector of Foreigners Stiff," he said very distinctly, "and whilst you are in Bridgetown you will be responsible to me for your good conduct. By what title are you authorised to be addressed?"
"I am plain Mr. Ming, or Citizen Ming," I replied.
"But you have some other title, doubtless," he said. "What office do you hold in your own country?"
"Well," I replied, "I am what we call a National Councillor. I am also the President of the Literary Society of my own province, and I have been once the Mayor of my native town."
"Then you had better be addressed as National Councillor Ming, or as Literary President Ming, or Mayor Ming," he answered promptly. "Choose which you prefer, and write down the title on the third line of this form."
I wrote down, with a smile, "National Councillor Ming."
"National Councillor Ming," he said, as I handed the form back to him, "before we have any further conversation, you will please pass into the next room and undergo your medical examination."
I passed into the next room, where I found a man, also in a green uniform, but with different facings from those worn by Inspector of Foreigners Stiff. "National Councillor Ming," he said, "allow me to make my necessary medical examination." I wondered how he had got my name so pat. Then I remembered that immediately before passing me into the next room, Inspector Stiff had put a card into a pneumatic tube by the side of his desk. The doctor led me out of his office into a small bedroom, next to which stood a bathroom fitted with various apparatus. After undressing in the bedroom, I was ordered to step into the bathroom, where first of all I was carefully measured in at least a score of places: head, ears, arms, hands, legs, feet, chest, etc. etc. Thumb-prints and footprints were taken; I was weighed; my chest was sounded; my organs were investigated with various curious instruments; a record of my speaking voice was taken, for which purpose I had to pronounce several long sentences in Meccanian and in my own language. A lock of my hair was cut off, and finally I was photographed in several different positions. I was then ordered to bathe, at first in water, afterwards in a fluid which was evidently some sort of disinfectant. At the end of about an hour and a half the doctor pronounced me to be "disease -free," and asked me to dress myself in some garments specially used on these occasions. The garments were made either of paper, or of some substance like paper, and were intended to be destroyed after use. I was now in the bedroom. The doctor had disappeared, but a sort of orderly in a grey uniform knocked at the door and brought in a tray with some food and coffee. He announced that Inspector of Foreigners Stiff would be ready to see me again in fifteen minutes. I was very glad of the food, the first I had eaten since my arrival, and at the end of the fifteen minutes I was again led into Mr. Stiff's room, still wearing my paper suit.
"Now," said he, "you will remain in your room until morning, when your own clothes will be restored to you after having been thoroughly disinfected. You can have supper supplied to you in your room, and as you will have a few hours to spare I should advise you to make yourself acquainted with the contents of these documents. You will find they contain all the instructions you require for the first few days."
I retired to my room feeling rather fatigued by the various experiences I had already gone through, but for want of something more interesting I began to study my' Instructions.' The first document was a closely printed circular of eight foolscap pages containing numerous extracts from the Law rela
ting to the Conduct of Foreign Observers. By the time I had waded through this I thought I had done enough for one day, and as the orderly came in with preparations for some supper I asked him if I might see the daily paper. He did not seem to understand what I meant. After some further explanation he said, "We have no daily paper in Bridgetown: we have only the weekly local gazette."
"But you have some kind of newspaper which circulates in Bridgetown," I said. "Perhaps it is published in some other large town, perhaps in Mecco?" I suggested. (Mecco is the capital of Meccania.)
"We have no general newspaper published daily," he replied.
I thought he had misunderstood me, so I begged him to bring me the local Gazette. He said he would try to get me a copy. Presently, while I was eating my supper, another official, dressed in a bright chocolate-coloured uniform with green facings, made his appearance. He explained that Inspector Stiff had gone home—it was then about seven o'clock or later—and that he was left in charge of the office. I had asked for a newspaper. For what purpose did I require a newspaper?
"Oh," I said, "just to see the current news."
"News what about?" he asked.
"About anything," I replied. "One likes to see the newspaper to see what is going on."
"But no one wants anything except for some purpose," he replied, "and you have not explained the purpose for which you require a newspaper. Also, there are no general newspapers. There are the various gazettes issued by the different departments of Government, and there are a few local gazettes dealing with purely municipal matters. But until you have entered upon your authorised tour of observation, I should have no authority to supply you with any of these."
What a fuss about such a trifle, I thought, and wished I had never troubled him. I apologised for making the request, whereupon he said, "If you wish for something to read after supper there is a case of books in the office, from which, no doubt, I can supply your needs."
I thanked him, and presently went to see the books. There was a work on the Law in Relation to Foreign Observers, in three volumes; a History of the Development of Town Planning, in five volumes; a treatise on Sewage, in two volumes; a series of Reports on the various Municipal Departments of Bridgetown; an Encyclopedia of Building; and a few other works equally interesting. I took away a volume, hardly noticing what it was, intending to use it only as a means of inducing sleep, which it did most effectively.
I was awakened about half-past six next morning by the orderly in the grey uniform entering the bedroom to announce that my bath would be ready in five minutes, and that it was against the rules to be late. I promptly went into the bathroom and found the bath half filled with a thin, greeny-yellowish fluid which smelt like a strong disinfectant. The orderly explained that all foreigners were obliged to be disinfected in this way. "But," I said, "I was disinfected only yesterday." "The bath yesterday," he explained, "was to ensure that you brought no disease into the country."
"And what is this for?" I asked. "This is to prevent you from contracting any new disease through the change in climate," he answered.
I remarked that the authorities were very solicitous of the welfare of foreigners, to which he replied:
"Ah, we must look after ourselves; a sick man is a source of infection."
I was told to remain in the bath forty-five minutes. I found I had no choice, for, once in, I had no power to get out.
At the end of the forty-five minutes the orderly came and lifted me out, turned on a shower bath, and said, "Breakfast in ten minutes." My own clothes had been returned to me. I dressed quickly, ate my breakfast, which was the usual light continental early breakfast of rolls and coffee, and was preparing to leave the Police Office when the orderly informed me that Inspector of Foreigners Stiff was ready to see me.
"National Councillor Ming," he began, as soon as I entered his room, "I find you have with you letters of introduction to several persons in Meccania." (So my private papers had been closely scrutinised during the process of disinfection.) "You will, of course, not present these until you have received permission from the proper authority. In no case can this be given until a period of three months has elapsed. Now after completing these forms, in accordance with the Instructions I handed you yesterday, you will be authorised to begin your tour of observation in Bridgetown." Here he handed me four forms. "You must first decide whether you mean to stay a week, or a month, or longer; for that will naturally determine the programme of your tour of observation. You cannot in any case leave without giving three clear days' notice and completing your arrangements as to the place you are proceeding to."
"Oh," I said in some surprise, "I had no idea that would be necessary. I thought I would just look round, perhaps for a day or two, then go on to one of your other important cities and make my way by degrees to Mecco."
"Then you cannot have read the Instruction Form No. 4, or you would know that is quite impossible. If you intend to stay a month, please fill up this blue form."
"I think, perhaps, it would be better to say a week," I replied; "then if I want to stay longer I suppose I could do so?"
"If you had read the Instructions you would have seen that the plan of a tour of a week is on quite a different scale from that of a tour of a fortnight or a month. You must decide now which you will take."
I stuck to the week, and we filled up the necessary forms for Tour No. I.
"Your conductor will be Sub-Conductor of Foreign Observers Sheep," he said next.
"My conductor?" I exclaimed. "Is it necessary to have a conductor?"
"You are not still in Luniland," he replied testily, "and I must again remind you that if you had read the extracts from the Law with reference to Foreign Observers you would not have asked the question. Sub-Conductor Sheep will be here in five minutes," he said, evidently anxious to get rid of me, "and as soon as you have discharged this bill of expenses he will take you to the Hotel for Foreign Observers, and you will begin your tour." Here he handed me a sort of invoice containing the following items:—
To food, 5s.; to bed, one night, 4s.; to medical examination, 10s.; to temporary garments, 2s.; to service, 2s.—total, 23s.
There was certainly nothing exorbitant about the charges; all the same, I grudged the 10s. for the medical examination.
Chapter II
BRIDGETOWN, TOUR No. 1
SUB-CONDUCTOR of Foreign Observers Sheep came in as I was paying the bill. He was a well-set-up man about fifty, and had the appearance of an old Non-Com. He looked quiet and rather stolid. I never saw him smile during the whole week I was with him, but he was not offensive in his manner. Like Inspector Stiff he wore a green uniform, but one with fewer facings and with chocolate- coloured buttons. Before we started to walk across to the hotel he asked if I had got my pocket-diary. I fished out a small notebook, such as I had used in Luniland for marking engagements.
"That is of no use for the purpose," he informed me. "You must have one like this—"; and he showed me a book about six inches by four inches, with four pages for each day.
"Oh!" I said, "I shall never need all that; besides, it is spaced for a month only."
In a perfectly matter-of-fact voice he said calmly, "Every person in Meccania uses a pocketdiary like this. You will find it indispensable in order that you may make your entries correctly in your weekly diary for the Time Department."
"The what department?" I asked, rather puzzled.
"The Time Department: but never mind; I will explain all that in its proper place. We will get a pocket-diary as we go along."
We walked to the hotel, and on the way Sheep slipped into an office of some kind and handed me a pocket-diary of the regulation type. As we entered the hotel, which was a very small affair,— evidently the number of foreigners in Bridgetown at any one time could not be more than a dozen if they were all lodged here,—he popped his head into a sort of box-office near the door and said in a loud voice, "Nine o'clock. National Councillor Ming." A girl in the box-office echoed the
words whilst making an entry on a large sheet, and handed him a buff-coloured sheet of cardboard, divided or ruled into small squares. This he presented to me, telling me to note down on it the exact time when I entered and left the hotel, and to get it initialed every other day by the girl clerk in the box-office. If the times did not tally with her record I was to consult the manager of the hotel.
"The first thing to do is to report yourself to the manager of the hotel," said Sheep when he had taken me to my room, where I found my baggage, which I had not seen since I left Graves.
The manager was a rather fussy little man, also in a green uniform like Sheep's but with different facings. He did not seem specially pleased to see me. All he said was, "I hope you will not give so much trouble as the last of your fellow-countrymen we had here. If you will study the regulations you will save yourself and me much inconvenience. Meals are at eight, one, and six, and at no other times. And remember that conversation with other Foreign Observers is prohibited until you have received the Certificate of Approval."
Conductor Sheep had rung up for a motor-car, and as we waited a few minutes for its arrival he said, "As you will have seen from the printed programme of Tour No. i, we shall first make a geographical survey of the town, then we shall visit the public buildings, taking note of their architectural features, and beginning first with those under local control, following on with those under the joint control of the Central and Local Government, and concluding with those solely under the control of the Central Government. And of the first category we shall see those first which have to do with the bodily needs, and of these we shall take first those connected with food, then with clothing, then with housing; for that is the only logical order. Everything has been carefully prescribed by the Department of Culture and the Department of Sociology, and the same plan is followed by all Foreign Observers, whatever city they may be visiting."
