Exposure

by Avril Osborne

  She rings Linda. She knows that her friend is due to go off to Spain to join Ken any day now. Surprisingly, Linda has not been in touch since going to the dig. Normally, she would have been in touch to say how the work has gone and to check how Susan is.

  Linda answers the phone cautiously. She has had a great time on the island. She listens while Susan brings her up to date on the proposal to engage a private detective and sees the danger for Susan right away. Her advice is to distract Bill from the idea as quickly as possible. She thinks that the Rome trip might just do that. It sends a frisson down Susan’s back when Linda suggests that Susan might end up with a straight choice. She is under threat in two ways; one from press exposure that could damage her career; one from the investigator finding out about her and Ramsey. If it comes to a choice, Linda points out, she needs to know which it will be – Bill or her career.

  Susan has not thought it through to this point but she knows that Linda, clear headed as ever, is right. All she says to Linda is that she will face that problem as and when it arises. She feels a kind of defensive aggression almost, as, over the phone, she asks Linda in turn whether she has made her own choices. If Linda hears the tone change, she says nothing. She just says that, yes, she has made her choices. Susan regrets her way of asking right away and asks, encouragingly, “And?”

  “And, I am very, very happy, Susan.”

  In that moment, Susan knows just how happy Linda is. And she envies her.

  “Good. I really am pleased for you, you know. Come on then, Linda, who is she?”

  There is a moment’s silence before Linda’s replies.

  “Jane Gray.”

  Of course. The vivacious American woman. Susan will never understand one woman choosing another in any sexual sense of understanding but she can see the attraction of the personality.

  She makes Linda promise that she can meet up with Jane as soon as Linda gets back from Spain. She also wants to know how it all happened. But she is worried to hear that Linda is now delaying her trip out to Spain in order to spend a day or two extra with Jane. She thinks that is dangerous – understandable, but dangerous. She augurs caution; Linda must not let Ken become suspicious. The woman is not her usual rational self, though. Susan can hear that down the phone. Mind you, if she were being rational, she would not be having a relationship with anyone from the workplace in the first place, let alone with another woman.

  But now is not the time. Linda is obviously experiencing all that illness and madness that they had talked about in the vegetarian bistro that evening in the spring. All that Susan can do is just envy her for the thing she is experiencing and encourage her to be careful. Linda just laughs, which tells Susan how far she has shifted in the course of just a couple of weeks.

  Half amused, half concerned, Susan finishes off her packing in time to hear the doorbell announce the arrival of Bill and the airport taxi. In the taxi he presents her with a gift box and in it a gold brooch. It is a token of love and trust, he says, kissing her under the amused eye of the driver who watches them through the rear mirror. Now he lands his news on her. He has used the hours to get in touch with someone called Paul Shand. There seemed little point in waiting, he decided, after their conversation. Shand, an investigator, she realizes, will be able to get on with the job whilst they are in Rome.

  “I’m sure this person – Paul Shand – will be good. And he will be confidential. Apparently, he has a growing reputation in the city as someone who can be absolutely discreet. If this weren’t the case, I would have suggested a national firm from London. But local knowledge might serve us better here.”

  She listens. Her impulse is to throw the brooch at him in fury. But for the fact that they are being observed, she might do just that. But she whispers at him in tones that leave him in no doubt about her feelings. How dare he go ahead after that conversation? He starts to reassure her, but she is indifferent to his argument. He goes on explaining. Susan sulks but she listens.

  Bill went to see Paul Shand by appointment. He was pleasantly surprised to see that Shand’s offices were smart – not dissimilar to his own in the firm’s earlier days. Shand, to Bill’s further surprise, proved to be a smartly dressed, tall young man, not far from Bill’s own age. He is, apparently, personable, friendly and polite. He explained that he has been in this line of business now for four years since a back injury at work had left him with limited career opportunities in the police force. Faced with a desk job or going it alone, he chose the latter. He wants all new prospective clients to know that he is concerned to be a reputable business. He has a Charter, which he holds to and which commits him to meeting the intelligence needs of his clients, within the law, and in the shortest time possible. To do so, he said, he uses the latest technology as well as more established forms of investigation. Needless to say, Bill comments, confidentiality is guaranteed, as is routine, regular updating on progress.

  Bill tells her that he showed Shand the anonymous letter. This stops Susan in her tracks as they made their way to the check-in.

  “You tore that letter up, Bill.”

  Bill has the good grace to look apologetic. He ran off a copy on the morning before he left the office to show the original to her. Susan turns from him in disgust.

  “Paul Shand thinks that he’ll be able to get to Ramsey and find out what he is up to,” Bill argues as he passes over his passport to the check in.

  But she is barely listening. She walks off to the ladies room to cool off and to decide whether she is getting on that plane. Ten minutes later, when she emerges from the toilet, she is once again composed and comments only that she wishes that he had been more open with her. He is full of apology, saying that he did it for the best, for the firm and for her protection. They are strained, but they make it to the flight. And as champagne kicks in, Susan allows herself to be wooed back to being the offended but forgiving partner who really does know that something has been done for the best.

  She is cooler though. Hard as she tries, she cannot slot into the holiday mood that she was intending for these few days. By the first evening, as they eat in a fashionable restaurant very close to St Peter’s Square, her thoughts return again and again to what this man Shand will be doing with his researches into Ramsey and what, if anything, he might dig up about those days on Mull. He has two sources of information. One is Ramsey himself. The other is Mike Moss. Would Shand think to find out who else was on the island with her? If he does, it could give some credence to Ramsey’s account. Perhaps she should have been more attentive to Mike at the party? Or would that just have alienated him further at the end of the day? She wishes she were not in Rome. She wishes she could talk it through with Linda. She feels totally powerless, maybe for the first time in her life. She is the one who usually takes action. She does not at all like this sitting, having to be passive and waiting to see what, if anything, will come of Bill’s engaging Shand. As she looks at Bill, she feels none of the lustful passion of the night before. A heavy day’s travelling and a weary headache from the champagne is an excuse for a sexless night of sleep. A good night’s rest, she persuades him, will make their exploration of the city the next morning all the more enjoyable.

  Rome turns out to be unbearably hot, big and noisy. But she makes as best she can of the next three days. After all, they have neither of them visited the city before and it holds a wealth of interest – mediaeval, ancient, and religious. Bill courts her and she falls back into pleasing him and into the intimacy of their private time. They eat well, live luxuriously and see as much of the city as a private taxi can cover in the time. But the memory of Linda’s observations ring in her mind. She is under no illusion – if it comes to a choice between Bill and career, it will be her career. With Bill and no career, she would be nothing. With career and no Bill, she would be unassailably Susan. She would be sad for a while, but she would recover. For now though, if she can have both, that is what she wants. And it is her safest option.

  Her opportunity t
o get back, leaving Bill in Italy, comes when she has a phone call from Jonathon Whitley’s secretary. Could she be back by Friday to sign the contract? She agrees at once and comes off the phone to persuade Bill to continue with the trip that he has been talking about over the days – up the coast to Tuscany and across to Elba. There is no point in both of them returning to the city, especially as Bill cleared his desk for the fortnight. If Elba is all that he has been led to believe, it might make a lovely place to honeymoon. This persuades him. She will have one more day with him and fly back on her own.

  She will be free, she thinks privately, to decide what, if anything, to do about Mike Moss. And she might even go to see this man Shand.

  CHAPTER 17

  Linda and Jane had just three more nights in the city before Linda was due to re-enter her family life. It was stolen time. Linda called Ken to say that there were a couple of urgent things at the University that she required to do. Other than sorting her clothes at home ready for the trip to Spain, she spent all the time in Jane’s apartment. She left Jane’s flat this morning towards noon. The couple spent the morning together, pensive and silent as the time moved towards the moment of separating.

  They showered together and whilst Jane went out for croissants, Linda dressed. She found two mugs, made a cafetiere and took a tray out onto the

  small balcony. Jane joined her, dressed, Linda noticed, in the same denims and shirt, laundered again, that she had worn just days ago in the Hebrides. Linda smiled sadly and said how nice she looked.

  ‘Thank you,’ was all Jane managed in reply as she sat down and accepted the

  proffered coffee. Neither could really face the croissants. Jane looked at her friend and said,

  “Do you think we can see each other as soon as you get back from Spain?”

  “I think so. I have to meet Susan for supper in town. She’ll be back from Rome by then. I could come round afterwards, even if I only stay an hour.” As Linda said this, she felt the beginning of the double life that she was embarking on crowd into their conscious minds.

  “Better than nothing,” Jane laughed wearily.

  “On second thoughts, why not come to supper with us? You met her briefly at the

  party and she liked you. Besides, I have already told her about you and my feelings for you. We might as well meet her and soon. She’s a sympathetic friend. Actually,

  I’m dying to have an evening with you two together.”

  Jane thought about this before saying anything.

  “Don’t you think we have to keep this quiet, in terms of the University and Ken? And will Susan not be against it, because you are married?”

  “I agree we have to be careful. But I do trust Susan. I’ve known her since my London days and I told her about us the other evening before she went off to Rome. She wasn’t fazed at all. And she certainly won’t make moral judgments. Life is too short in Susan’s book for that.”

  “Well, you must be the best judge. I certainly liked her - she was straightforward. And I would sure be proud to be with you.”

  Jane leant over and put her mug down.

  “I do love you, Linda. It’s going to be hard. Much harder than I thought.”

  “I know,” Linda replied. “For me too. I don’t want to go out to Spain. Actually,

  I’d like never to leave you again.”

  Jane looked at her, as if trying to work out whether this was lover’s free talk or genuinely meant sentiment.

  “You can’t mean that. You love Ken and the children. It’s different for me. I’m an unattached woman – free in every sense, emotionally.”

  “And how do you feel about me now, after these days?’

  “You are everything I want in a life partner.” Jane said this quietly and sadly, knowing the future as she did.

  Linda believed her. For all that she now knew about Jane’s previous two women friends and her choice of women over her boyfriends, she still knew that this was as significant a relationship for Jane as it was for her.

  “Jane, Darling. I don’t want to rush you but would you come to Spain?”

  Jane’s face showed her surprise.

  “How on earth could I do that?”

  “Well, I could say that you were coming out anyway to look at church

  architecture, maybe in Santiago de Compostela or somewhere else along the Pilgrims’ Route. It’s reasonably near to Ken’s parents’ home and just the sort of place you would like. I’ll say that I have invited you to join us for a day or two. It’s a big house and Ken’s parents are very welcoming so they will be fine. The kids are out and about with their friends over there so we might get a bit of time to ourselves.”

  Jane looked at her friend, pain in her next question reflecting her realisation of what the future would hold.

  “But not sleep together?” The question was more rhetorical than real and Jane looked at Linda, and then lowered her eves.

  “Difficult. I’m sorry – that was completely insensitive.” Linda knew that she was being selfish and unreasonable to ask this trip of Jane.

  Jane sat silent, her choices being either to refuse the invitation or to accept knowing what her nights would be like.

  “I’d like to come. That bit won’t be easy but it won’t be any easier being here. I can hardly bear to think of you in Ken’s bed.”

  The decision taken, Linda finally leaves to return to her own home to pack and to see to checking that the house is closed down. But her day is empty. She drifts around the place, looking at it through new eyes. She is restless and disturbed. Part of her feels elation at the intensity of their new relationship. The sensations, scents, and memories of Jane hover around her; in her clothes, and in her suitcase as she repacks it. She finds Jane’s impromptu gift to her of rounded stones and shells from the beach on which they walked. She places them in a ceramic bowl by her bedside.

  Spain will be wonderful. But she is already facing the prospect of a life of waiting – for the next call or meeting or time together. She had little emotional choice, from the moment Jane stepped from into the airport terminal on the Hebridean Isles, but to go into the relationship. She knows now that it will cost her dear.

  She misses the children – nothing can ever change that. But returning to Ken is going to be hard. There is an emotional distance there now for her and probably an intuition in Ken that will cause difficulty. She knows that all these years of marriage are about to be put to the test. And they will put her to the test.

  She has already decided that her marriage has to continue for the sake of the children and for her sake in relation to the children. Jane and she have been clear about this from the start and Jane will not put any pressure on her.

  She calls Jane. Two hours without contact is too difficult and she finds being back in the house strange, as if she cannot connect to it. She thinks she would like to be in some sort of emotional decompression chamber till she can cope again.

  Jane listens without comment as Linda recounts how she rang Ken and he seemed remote but asked detailed questions about the dig and the fortnight.

  Ken has already changed from husband to being someone to be discussed between

  them. If Linda feels any discomfort at this, it is overshadowed by her quiet satisfaction at the place she already holds in Jane’s affections.

  At bedtime Linda lies in the twilight of Jane’s flat, reflecting on how she now feels

  about this woman in her arms. She would give anything to be able to live with her and to make a life with her. And she is convinced in her own mind that this is not just the sentiment of someone wanting the unattainable. She can even cope with waiting until the children leave home.

  Perhaps she is daydreaming to think that she and Jane could ever be together. Why should Jane wait that long? But Jane does love her, she knows that, and she has made a commitment to at least being on the edge of Linda’s time.

  Linda’s life is one of high standing in the community – in terms of family and car
eer. She has now taken a step that brings a secret into her otherwise ordered life. It will be a hard lifestyle to live but one from which she already knows she will not walk away. Neither, she concludes, will Jane. They have a connection that neither of them has experienced before. That is the strength of their relationship.

  She spends the following day seeing friends for coffee whilst Jane buys a few clothes for Spain, arguing cheerfully that she cannot really afford them, as this will be an unbudgeted holiday. But, she rationalises, she wants to look good for Linda. The clothes from Turkey will not do.

  The next evening they go round to Jane’s friends, Nicola and Jacky, for supper at their home. The lesbian couple are not in the least surprised to be told that Linda and Jane are lovers. It was somehow obvious – Linda cannot imagine how – on the night of the supper party that it was inevitable. They are as welcoming as ever. And Linda finds enormous pleasure in having her new relationship celebrated by two well-balanced, serious and warm women friends – friends with whom she is already safe.

  Linda experiences a pang of envy at the other women’s lives together, doctor and teacher with the joint income and independence to lead an almost privileged life. No one else is involved or affected, and they are obviously still very much in love with each other. But it is envy, and not jealousy, and she is glad for them. She talks at length about her summer on the island with Jane and about how they came together. She mentions Jane’s name more than she needs to but hesitates to share any intimate information with the two women. For all that, she knows that she is in a new form of community and one that she will need in the time ahead. These are the people with whom they make their first statement of their newfound feelings for each other. No matter how their lives will be shared from here, they are becoming a couple.