by Susan Lewis
Fernando cocked an eyebrow in surprise. His deceptively youthful face was calm, his cultured voice was as smooth and American as the expensive clothes he wore. ‘That should be possible,’ he said, ‘but why? If he knows nothing …’
‘He knows who’s paying him to fuck me around,’ Jake snarled. ‘We get to them, maybe we get to …’
Fernando wasn’t surprised when Jake stopped, he rarely, if ever, mentioned her name.
‘Find him,’ Jake growled through his teeth. ‘Find him and crunch his balls until he sings.’
Fernando nodded, then watched as Jake rolled himself a cigarette, sprinkling it liberally with hashish. When it was ready Fernando drew a lighter from his pocket, but he wasn’t fast enough. Jake lit the joint himself, inhaled deeply then returned to the window and its depressing view of a city he loathed.
‘Do you think she’s still alive?’ he said after a while.
Fernando sighed, flopped down on the sofa and buried his face in his hands. ‘I don’t know,’ he answered. ‘Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. What about you? What does your gut tell you?’
‘Nothing. It doesn’t tell me one goddamned fucking thing.’
Fernando hesitated, then said, ‘The local cops were here earlier.’
‘What did they want?’
‘To welcome you to Mexico,’ Fernando grinned.
‘They’re getting better,’ Jake remarked. ‘It’s only taken them four days to find me this time.’
‘What are you going to do?’ Fernando asked.
‘Head back to Europe. The trail’s run cold here and I have things to do in France.’
Fernando’s smile was sculpted in sarcasm. ‘How is Consuela?’ he said.
Jake turned to look at him. ‘Get that old man,’ he said. ‘Do whatever it takes to find out who’s paying him. You know how to get hold of me. I should be back in France by the day after tomorrow.’
Fernando got up and walked to the door. When he reached it he turned back. ‘Jake,’ he said, ‘have you considered what you’re going to do if she is still alive?’
Jake drew deeply on his cigarette, held the smoke then exhaled slowly. ‘Yes, I’ve considered it,’ he said and the tone of his voice was enough to tell Fernando he would be wise not to press it any further.
‘I look like a ruddy cabbage-patch doll,’ Sarah wailed, holding up her compact and eyeing the puffy swellings on her face with unbounded misery.
Louisa and Danny glanced at each other then burst out laughing. ‘You look fine,’ Danny told her, pushing her feet into the ground to rock herself and Louisa back and forth in the swinging hammock chair.
‘Don’t lie to me,’ Sarah retorted. ‘I look like I’m about to erupt.’
‘Stop scratching,’ Louisa laughed, ‘you’ll only make them worse.’
‘But they’re driving me crazy. Oh, just look at this eyelid, will you? How the hell can I go out like this?’
‘Call him and cancel,’ Danny said.
‘I would if he weren’t already on his way.’
‘Where are you going?’ Louisa asked, hooking the straps of her swimsuit back up over her shoulders and curling her legs under her.
‘He didn’t say. Somewhere dark, I hope,’ Sarah answered, picking up Danny’s wine glass and taking a mouthful. ‘Is this from the caves down the road?’ she said. ‘Not bad is it?’
‘At less than a pound a bottle, it’s pretty good,’ Danny remarked. ‘And don’t drink it all because I can’t be bothered to go and get some more.’
‘Here he is,’ Louisa said, as a black and yellow Renault 5 chugged and spluttered up the drive.
Sarah stared at it, following its unsteady progress with unblinking fascination. ‘Awesome,’ she muttered, as it groaned to a halt.
‘You go and show him your mosquito bites,’ Louisa laughed, ‘and I’ll go and get some more glasses.’
‘Are you kidding?’ Sarah cried, tearing her eyes from the Renault. ‘I’m not inviting him over here when she’s sitting there looking like that.’
Danny was wide-eyed. ‘What’s the matter with the way I look?’ she demanded.
‘Nothing, that’s the trouble.’
‘She’ll cover up,’ Louisa laughed.
‘No she won’t, she never does.’
‘It’s nothing he can’t see any day of the week on the beach,’ Danny pointed out, hooking the elastic of her G-string a little higher on her hips. ‘Or in his profession, come to that.’
‘But it’s better than mine, so I don’t want him to see it,’ Sarah retorted.
‘It’s not better, it’s just different,’ Danny said, looking down at her golden tan, large, firm breasts and erect rosy brown nipples. ‘But if you’re worried then pass me the towel.’
‘No, we’ll go straight out.’ Sarah turned to look across the garden to where Morandi was now standing awkwardly beside his car, obviously not sure whether to venture a nonchalant stroll across the lawn or wait to be invited. ‘Will you just look at him,’ Sarah sighed, her head to one side. ‘He might not be what dreams are made of, but he kind of gets to me. What’s he doing now?’ she said as Morandi took something out of the car and started to waggle it in the air. Then all three of them burst out laughing as they realized he was waving a white flag.
‘Isn’t he just something else,’ Sarah grinned.
‘Haven’t you told him yet that you forgive him for the Aphrodite incident?’ Louisa cried.
‘No, but I’ll get round to it. Anyway, I’d best be off, enjoy your evening you two, don’t wait up,’ and carrying her sandals in one hand and her purse in the other she padded across the cool, springy lawn grinning as stupidly at Morandi as he was at her. When she reached him he put his hands on her shoulders, gazed down at the angry little rash of mosquito bites, told her she looked ravishing and kissed her on both cheeks.
‘Where are we going?’ she said as he cranked the door open for her to get in.
‘It’s a surprise,’ he smiled, making sure she was settled and even going so far as to buckle up her seat belt for her. ‘I’m sorry about the car,’ he went on, looking so absurdly contrite that Sarah wanted to hug him, ‘but mine’s in the garage and this was all I could borrow at short notice.’
‘I love it.’ Sarah said truthfully, folding her hands in her lap as she watched him walk around the car and get in the other side.
‘I don’t think you would if you knew whose it was,’ he said earnestly.
‘Ah, I see. Well, just so long as it doesn’t squirt oil at me.’
‘Oh no, it won’t do that,’ he assured her.
Sarah shot him a look from the corner of her eye and belatedly realizing he’d missed the joke Morandi blushed.
‘Does she know why you’ve borrowed her car?’ Sarah asked, as he crunched it into reverse.
‘Uh, not exactly,’ he confessed, turning it around then sending it hurtling towards the gates. He was far too tall for such a little car and looked so woefully embarrassed by it all that Sarah’s heart flowed over with affection. She wanted to put her hand on his, but feeling suddenly shy, she turned to look out of the window and waved to Danny and Louisa.
‘Mmm, isn’t this wonderful?’ Danny sighed, stretching then laughing as they heard the Renault backfire in the distance.
‘Sheer bliss,’ Louisa agreed, sipping her wine and gazing up at the sloping red roofs of the villa where the leaves of the olive trees glistened silver in the sunlight and the blue sky was starting to turn pink. ‘Aren’t you seeing Erik tonight?’
‘He said he’d call later,’ Danny yawned, sinking back in the downy cushions and closing her eyes. ‘What about you? Are you going to do any more writing?’
‘Not tonight. I had a pretty good run at it today, but I need to think about the next scenes before I carry on.’
Danny’s eyes were closed and as she appeared to drift off into her own thoughts Louisa flicked over a page of the magazine on her lap. The tension that had been building between her and Dan
ny over the past couple of weeks seemed to have diminished now and the atmosphere in the villa was once again easy and friendly. Louisa wasn’t ignorant of the fact that it was Jake’s departure that had diffused the situation, at least for her. Danny hadn’t even mentioned it, had seemed too wrapped up in Erik this past week to care about anything else and that in itself was helping Louisa to relax, for if Danny was as keen on Erik as she appeared to be then hopefully there would be no return of the unspoken rivalry between them when Jake came back. If he came back.
Not wishing to dwell on how she might feel either way Louisa forced herself to concentrate on an article about the French television channel TFI. Since she didn’t understand too much of it her mind soon started to wander, and letting the magazine slide to the floor she rested her chin on her hand and started to churn around the plot of the new series she was devising.
‘Do you ever think about Simon now?’ Danny said a while later.
Surprised, Louisa turned to look at her. ‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘Quite a lot, actually. Why do you ask?’
‘I just wondered. Do you ever wish you’d fought a bit harder to keep him?’
‘Do you mean do I wish I’d told him about the baby?’
Danny raised one eyelid. ‘Do you?’ she said.
‘Sometimes. He had a right to know.’
Danny smiled. ‘You miss him, don’t you?’ she said.
‘As a friend, yes.’
‘You mean Sarah and I aren’t enough for you?’ Danny teased, batting a fly away from her face.
‘Of course you are, but Simon was … I don’t know, what was he? He was a bit like a brother, I suppose. I always used to wish I had a brother.’
‘Mmm, me too. Preferably an older brother. Sarah’s lucky having such a big family, don’t you think? I feel quite envious the way they call her as often as they do to check up on her. It must be lovely having so many people care about you.’
‘But your parents call regularly too,’ Louisa reminded her.
‘I know,’ Danny sighed. ‘I quite miss them actually, but I shouldn’t be saying that to you, should I? Not when you don’t have anyone at all calling you. Shit, I could have put that a bit more tactfully couldn’t I?’
Louisa smiled. ‘Yes, you could, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve got my family right here in you and Sarah.’
‘That’s a lovely thing to say, I know Sarah would be touched by it too.’ She reached out for Louisa’s hand and squeezed it. ‘But we’ve got our families and obviously they come first for us. Not that we ever want to shut you out, we wouldn’t dream of it, but it must be so hard for you knowing that the people who matter most to you have other people they care about first.’
‘I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it quite that way,’ Louisa said feeling suddenly depressed.
‘That’s good,’ Danny smiled, letting go of her hand. ‘It doesn’t do any good to dwell on loneliness, it only makes a person do things they might not otherwise do.’
‘What do you mean?’ Louisa said, turning to look at her. ‘What might I not otherwise do?’
‘Nothing,’ Danny laughed. ‘I was just trying to let you know that I understand how lonely you must feel at times, how much you must miss your grandmother – and Simon. He was quite special in his way, I think. He was so good to you and after all you’d been through with that ghastly Bill Simon was just what you needed. I wasn’t too sure about it in the beginning, it’s true, I was afraid you might be rushing into something on the rebound, something you’d end up regretting. Well, you probably did go into it on the rebound, but fortunately it all worked out. At least for a while it did and he certainly put you back on the road after all that fuss with Bill. You know, when I look at you,’ she went on, her head to one side as she gazed into Louisa’s face, ‘I just can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to hurt you. You’re so lovely, so gentle and kind, I know if I were a man I’d just want to love you and protect you. I think that’s what Simon wanted and I sometimes wonder if it wasn’t you who pushed him away. It’s like you can’t believe that someone really cares for you, that they don’t want to hurt you, so you go out of your way to make them hurt you without even really knowing you’re doing it. Or you hurt yourself, like you did with the baby.’
Louisa sipped her wine and gazed thoughtfully down at the still, clear water of the pool. ‘I thought what I did about the baby was for the best,’ she said softly. ‘I never looked at it as trying to hurt myself.’
‘No, I didn’t think you did,’ Danny smiled. ‘But Simon hurt you by telling you he was in love with someone else and then there you were, back on the cycle of pain, feeling like you deserved it and then punishing yourself for the crime of not being loved by terminating your own baby. It didn’t seem to occur to you to put up a fight for Simon, you just accepted that he didn’t love you because you don’t feel worthy of anyone’s love, not even your own. You care so much for Sarah and me, but you never seem to care about yourself. You escape into your writing, taking yourself off into a fantasy world where everything is just the way you want it to be and you don’t have to face up to reality or what you’re doing to yourself.’
Louisa was still staring at the pool, allowing Danny’s words to sink into her mind. ‘Is that what you think?’ she said hoarsely. ‘That I’m running away?’
Danny nodded.
‘It doesn’t feel like that’s what I’m doing. I think about Simon a lot, it’s true. I know I could have fought to keep him and that if I had I would probably have won, but in my heart I had to admit that it wasn’t really what I wanted.’
‘Then maybe you should ask yourself why you didn’t want it? Was it because you were afraid of his love? Afraid that it would turn to violence in the end like it has in your past? Maybe you’re just fooling yourself into believing you don’t want him as a way of trying to protect yourself.’
‘I don’t think so,’ Louisa said. ‘I mean, I really don’t believe we are right for each other. Not now. We were for a while, but it had run its course. And the truth is, had he not met someone else I’d have stayed with him just because he made me feel safe and that’s not really a basis for a relationship. He deserves more, he should be loved because he has so much love to give.’
‘And it’s the same for you,’ Danny said. ‘You have so much love to give, but you can’t accept it in return, so you go out looking for someone who will hurt you, it’s what you expect so you make it happen.’
Louisa looked down at her glass. Danny hadn’t mentioned Jake’s name but Louisa was sure he was in both their minds and as much as she disliked it, she had to admit that there might be some truth in what Danny was saying. She sensed that Jake had it in him to hurt her, to hurt her badly if he chose because her feelings for him were already deeper and more acute than anything she’d ever felt for Simon. It was why she was afraid of Jake, why she was now fighting against trusting him the way he’d asked her to. She knew so little about him, but the tenderness in the one kiss they’d shared haunted her. The truth of his words when he’d told her that something special was happening between them echoed insistently in her mind. Why had he said it if he hadn’t felt it too?
‘I was thinking,’ Danny said, ‘why don’t you give Simon a call and just find out how he is?’
Louisa shook her head. ‘No, there’s no point. And I still feel too guilty about the baby to be able to speak to him.’
Danny smiled and leaned forward to pick up her wine. ‘Jake agrees, you know, that Simon had a right to know about the baby, but I’m not so sure.’
Louisa turned slowly to look at her, hardly able to believe she’d heard her correctly. ‘Are you saying you’ve talked to Jake about Simon and me?’ she said carefully.
Danny nodded. ‘Oh come on, don’t look like that …’
‘But you had no right to discuss it with Jake! No right to discuss it with anyone.’
‘But Jake asked. He wanted to know about you, if there was anyone in your life, so I told him what had ha
ppened.’
‘I don’t believe it,’ Louisa cried, putting a hand to her head and getting to her feet. ‘Why did you tell him about the baby? He didn’t need to know that … Oh God, Danny, I just don’t know what gets into you sometimes.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Danny said, looking genuinely bemused. ‘I’m really sorry. I had no idea it would upset you so much. You never really said anything about it so I just assumed it wasn’t that important any more. But I can see how stupid that was now …’
‘Not just stupid, Danny, it was insensitive. Do you really think I want the whole world to know what I did? It would have been bad enough if I’d told Simon about it, but not telling him … Surely you’ve got to understand how awful I feel about that. And of all the people to tell you have to choose Jake Mallory. Oh Danny, why? He’s the last person I’d want to know.’
Danny’s eyes were staring up at her and for a moment she seemed almost childishly bewildered. ‘Louisa, I’m really, really, sorry,’ she said. ‘I just didn’t think. I mean, I wasn’t sure whether you’d told him yourself and I honestly didn’t think it would do any harm to tell him. Oh God, I can see how stupid, no, you’re right, insensitive, that was now. Shit, why did I do it? I’m sorry, really, I’m sorry. But at least I told him that if it had been his baby then you’d never have done it.’
‘You said what!’ Louisa cried incredulously. ‘Danny, for Christ’s sake, what’s the matter with you?’
‘But you wouldn’t have got rid of it if it had been his,’ Danny argued. ‘I know you wouldn’t. You’d have kept it if it had been Jake’s.’
‘But it wasn’t Jake’s! I hardly even know Jake. I’ve never even slept with him, so what the hell made you go and say something like that?’
‘I didn’t want him to think badly of you,’ Danny said lamely.
‘Then why tell him about the baby in the first place? Simon yes, but not the baby.’
‘OK, OK, I can see why you’re angry, and I apologize, but it’s done now and well, it’s better that you know I’ve told him just in case you were thinking about lying to him.’
