by Susan Lewis
‘I wasn’t thinking about saying anything at all, not at this stage,’ Louisa raged. ‘Shit, what a mess, Danny. What am I supposed to say to him if I see him again now?’
‘Well I don’t think he was particularly bothered about it,’ Danny said. ‘He said that Simon had a right to know, but if it were him, he said, he wouldn’t want to know and even if he did then he wouldn’t see it as being his problem.’
Louisa watched her, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘When did you have this conversation?’ she asked.
‘Last night.’
Louisa suddenly felt like she’d been struck. ‘You saw Jake last night,’ she whispered.
Danny nodded. ‘On the Valhalla.’
‘But I thought he was in Mexico.’
‘He was. He got back two days ago. He called me just after he got in.’
‘But you were with Erik last night in Monte Carlo.’
‘No. That’s where I told you I was going because I was afraid you might be upset if you thought Jake had called me and not you. But I don’t like lying to you like this, Louisa, that’s why I’ve told you now. It’s better that you know the truth and what kind of man he is. I don’t know what he’s been telling you, but he’s not for you, Louisa, not a man like that. He’s a real bastard. He’s leading you on …’
‘But what about you and Erik? I thought you were mad about Erik.’
‘We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you because it’s you who’s going to get hurt here, not me. I can sleep with them both, play them at their own games, but you can’t. You don’t have it in you to do that, you never have.’
‘But Erik’s crazy about you, you said you were about him. So why are you sleeping with Jake?’
‘It’s hard to explain, but put in it’s simplest terms Jake and I can’t get enough of each other, that’s why he called me as soon as he got back.’
‘But what about Erik?’ Louisa insisted, almost shouting as though the noise could numb the horrible jealousy churning inside her.
‘What about Erik? He’s just another man.’
‘He’s got feelings, Danny.’
‘So have I. I care for him, but not the way he wants me to. He knows I’m sleeping with Jake, he was there on board last night while I was with Jake. I spent the rest of the night with him after I’d made love with Jake. He accepts that I need other men, that he can’t give me everything …’
‘And what about Jake? Does he accept that too?’
‘Not as easily, but he knows that’s the way it has to be.’
‘But why does it have to be that way? Why can’t you commit yourself to one man?’
‘I could if Jake would let me, but he won’t. Not yet, anyway. There are things he has to get sorted then maybe we can give it a try. Look, I don’t want to be petty about this Louisa, but I met him first, I slept with him first and it’s me he calls. That’s not to say I don’t think he’ll call you, because I’m sure he will. But when he does I think you should remember that it’ll probably only be because I’m with Erik. Speaking of whom,’ she added, as Erik’s Jaguar turned into the drive.
With her mind still reeling from all that had been said Louisa watched dumbly as Danny sauntered, virtually naked, across the lawn then stood on the edge of the terrace and waited for Erik to come to her. As he folded her in his arms, a huge bunch of flowers in one hand and a neat little box from an exclusive jeweller’s in the other, Louisa turned away stiff with the jealousy that was almost choking her. She didn’t begrudge Danny her relationship with Erik, nor the expensive gifts he brought her, but she did begrudge whatever Danny had with Jake. Just to think of the two of them together made her feel sick inside. The vision of their entwined limbs, the frenzy of their passion, inflamed her anger to the point of violence. It stabbed her with a pain she had no right to feel for he wasn’t hers, she had no claims on him, had shared no more than one kiss with him, but the pain was there nevertheless. He’d told her she meant something to him and like a fool she’d believed him. Worse, she still believed him because she didn’t want to face the fact that he had lied to her. She wanted to hold onto the man she thought he was, the man who had made her feel so wonderful and special, the man whose feelings for her had been as immediate and as compelling as hers had for him. She moved restlessly, as though to extricate herself from the sudden power of his imagined presence. She so badly wanted to see him in that moment, to feel him touching her and watch his grey eyes darken as he looked at her and told her that nothing Danny had said was true. Then the echo of Danny’s words suddenly rang in her mind, ‘you go off into a fantasy world where everything is just the way you want it to be …’
The truth of that was suddenly razor sharp in her mind and as she sank back into the chair she felt a terrible, debilitating contempt for herself.
She looked up to see Erik wandering across the garden to join her. As she watched him she couldn’t stop herself smiling. He had such a roguish look in his eyes and seemed so ridiculously pleased to see her that it simply wasn’t possible not to respond.
‘Hi,’ he said, stooping to kiss her. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine.’
‘You look kind of glum to me,’ he grinned, slanting her a glance from the corner of his eye as he poured more wine into Danny’s glass.
‘It’s just the heat,’ Louisa said, stretching. ‘How’s life with you? No, don’t tell me, just perfect now you’re here.’
He laughed. ‘You’ve got it.’
He turned to look at her and seeing the way his eyes were dancing she started to laugh.
‘How do you fancy going into Cannes tonight?’ he said.
‘Oh no. You don’t want me tagging along and I’m pretty tired.’
‘Go and get dressed,’ he said.
‘No, honestly, I’m not in the mood for going out.’
‘You will be once you’re ready. Now, no arguments, go and get dressed or I’ll pick you up and put you in the car the way you are.’
‘Erik, I don’t want to play gooseberry …’
‘Louisa, do as you’re told.’
Realizing she was in danger of just sitting there feeling sorry for herself if she didn’t go Louisa took herself off to get changed, almost laughing as she wondered what Danny would say when she discovered Erik had invited her along. But what the hell, she felt angry enough with Danny right now to want to spoil her evening.
Just under an hour later she was on the point of leaving her room when there was a knock on the door and Erik came in.
‘Danny and I are leaving now,’ he said, grinning all over his face.
Louisa stared at him in amazement.
‘You look lovely,’ he told her.
‘Erik! Erik!’ she cried as he started to leave. ‘I thought I was coming with you.’
Laughing, he turned back. ‘I guess I’d better come clean,’ he said. ‘I remembered what you said about a woman not liking a man to turn up unannounced and Jake’s on his way over.’
Everything inside Louisa suddenly turned weak. ‘But … I don’t …’
‘I thought you’d want to be looking your best,’ Erik laughed. ‘Have a good time,’ and he was gone.
A few minutes later Louisa heard his car pulling out of the drive and, as her stomach churned horribly, she went to pour herself more wine. She had no idea what was going on, or why Jake hadn’t just called to say he was coming, all she could think of was what Danny had told her, to remember that if she did see Jake it was probably only because she, Danny, was with Erik.
Heading back to the hammock chair at the other end of the pool she started to rehearse in her mind all that she wanted to say. She needed the answers to so many questions she hardly knew where to begin. She thought of Sarah and wondered if she would get anywhere with all the questions she had for Morandi tonight. Then quite suddenly none of it seemed important. If there was something underhand going on, if Jake, Morandi and Erik were involving them in something they might live to regret it didn�
��t matter. All that mattered was that he was here. That he was getting out of his car and ambling across the garden towards her, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his faded jeans, his wonderfully hypnotic eyes holding hers as he drew closer and started to smile.
Louisa’s heart was in her throat. Somewhere deep down inside she knew she should be angry with him, but she just couldn’t get it past the sheer emotion she felt at seeing him. For one dizzying moment she was overwhelmed by the enormity of her feelings, could hardly make herself believe that this man who had the looks, the power and the wealth to attract any woman was here to see her.
He stopped in front of her, looked down at her, then taking his hands from his pockets he stooped towards her, putting his mouth over hers. After a moment he took her by the elbows and, still kissing her, pulled her to her feet and drew her into his arms.
‘Hi,’ he drawled, his voice as dark and intimate as his eyes as he gazed down at her.
‘Hi,’ she said.
He kissed her again, touching her lips gently with his own, holding her loosely about the waist while everything inside her was fighting hard not to respond.
He raised his head again and started to smile. ‘What are you afraid of?’ he whispered.
‘You,’ she answered.
‘Don’t be,’ he said, folding her against him and resting her head on his shoulder. ‘I missed you.’
As he held her Louisa could feel herself melting into him, was aware of the way his faint, musky odour mingled with that of the sea was seeping into her senses, dizzying her yet calming her and very gently arousing her. His latent power seemed to embrace her with a touch as tangible as the hard muscles of his thighs and the strength of his arms. ‘When did you get back?’ she said.
‘Two days ago.’
Immediately Louisa stiffened and pulled away.
‘Hey,’ he said, putting his fingers under her chin and tilting her face up to his. ‘I tried to call you, half a dozen times, but there’s no getting past Danny. Why do you think Erik came to get her the way he did tonight? I wanted to see you.’
‘She said you called her, that she was with you on the Valhalla last night.’
‘She was. So was Erik. I tried to call you then, but you weren’t at home.’
It was true, she hadn’t been. ‘She said you made love to her.’
He grinned and shook his head. ‘Not me,’ he said.
‘But you have made love to her.’
‘Sure I did, the night before I met you.’
‘Not since?’
‘Uh-huh,’ he smiled. ‘You’re looking at the only guy around here she’s not making it with.’
‘Then why does she say she is?’
‘I guess,’ he laughed, ‘to make you jealous, and it’s working.’ Louisa rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh, knowing she shouldn’t believe him, but wanting to desperately. ‘You’re so sure of yourself,’ she remarked.
‘Not really. I was kind of scared you might be hiding behind Danny, not wanting to see me again after what I told you the last time I was here.’ He smiled deep into her eyes. ‘So, do I get a drink or do I get to kiss you again?’
‘How about both?’ she said recklessly.
‘I think we’d better take the drink first,’ he said, the irony in his voice seeming to lift her heart.
When she returned from the kitchen with a fresh bottle of wine and two glasses he was rocking back and forth in the hammock chair, his eyes closed. It wasn’t until she passed him a drink and he opened them that she noticed how very tired he suddenly looked. Tired and strained as though there were something tormenting his mind that wouldn’t leave him alone.
Taking the drink in one hand he used the other to pull her down beside him and resting his elbow along the back of the chair he began gently, almost absently, to stroke her face and neck. She leaned against him, sinking into the aura of him then turned her face to his and laughed when he bit her nose.
‘How was Mexico?’ she asked.
He took a sip of his drink then gazed past her at the rockery that spilled in a blaze of colour down to the gates.
It was so long before he spoke again that the glow of happiness burning inside her began to fuel itself with unease.
Then turning back to her and running his fingers into her hair he said, ‘Tell me about you. What have you been doing while I was away?’
‘Writing,’ she said. ‘Exploring the countryside with Sarah – thinking about you.’
He gave her a quick hug then pushing her gently away he took a fat, self-rolled cigarette from his shirt pocket and lit it.
As the sweet, unmistakable scent of marijuana drifted into the balmy evening air Louisa turned to look at him. He looked back, watching her with eyes that seemed to question her, with an intensity that seemed to move into her and hold her. Then slowly he started to shake his head. ‘What the hell am I doing?’ he said. ‘I’ve got no right to be here, no right to do this to you.’
Louisa said nothing, she just watched him as he took a long draw on the cigarette then leaned forward to let it rest in the ashtray. When he sat back he lifted a hand to her face and ran his thumb over her lips. ‘It’s true,’ he said as though speaking to himself. ‘Something is happening here and it’s happened so goddamned fast …’ He gave a dry, almost bitter laugh. ‘We’ve got to talk,’ he said.
‘OK,’ she smiled, catching his thumb between her lips.
His eyes were on her mouth, then taking his hand away he pulled her back against his shoulder.
‘It’s kind of hard to know how to say this,’ he said finally. ‘But we’ve got to deal with reality here. We’ve got to look at what’s happening between us and work out the best way to handle it. Maybe we should just take from it what we can, what’s not going to hurt either of us, most of all you.’
‘What do you mean?’ she said.
‘I mean that you’re here for the summer. That after that, when you go back to London, it’ll be over for us. We can’t take it any further than that.’
‘But why? I don’t understand.’
He sighed heavily and pressed his fingers to his eyes. ‘There’s so much you don’t know about me,’ he said, his voice suddenly tired to the point of exhaustion, ‘and if I’m being honest I don’t want you to know.’
‘Is it so terrible?’
‘Yeah, it’s pretty goddamned terrible.’ Then lowering his hand he tilted her face to his and kissed her softly on the mouth. ‘Right now you’re the only good thing in my life,’ he said, ‘and if I tell you what’s really going on it’s going to tarnish what we have. In some way it’s going to make you a part of it and I don’t want that to happen. I want just that we’re together, that we give each other whatever we can, and when it comes time for you to go, you go with good memories. Can you live with that?’
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered, looking away.
Leaning forward he put his glass on the table then pulled her deeper into his arms. ‘I’m not proud of what I’m doing here,’ he said. ‘I’m asking you to take the decision to stop this when I can’t do it myself. But I’m not going to lie to you, Louisa, there can’t be anything at the end of it. You’ve got to know that so you can decide whether it’s better for you to break away now. It’s gonna be easier if you do, on both of us, but I’m a pretty selfish sort of guy and what I want right now is to go on holding you this way just as long as I can.’
‘Is it really so impossible for us?’ she said, looking up at him.
As he looked back at her she could almost feel how desperately he wanted to say no, but in the end his answer was unequivocal. ‘Yeah, it’s impossible,’ he said.
Louisa looked down at their entwined fingers, his so long and masculine, hers seeming so frail by comparison. ‘This is cruel,’ she said. ‘Why did we have to meet at all if this is the way it has to be? I mean, whichever way you look at it, it’s going to hurt. Now or later.’ She shrugged. ‘But maybe it’s better to do it later, at least that way w
e’ll have had something.’
He laughed, abruptly, but there was no humour in it. ‘Now how come I can suddenly do for you what I can’t do for myself?’ he said. ‘I’m gonna call it quits now, Louisa. I’m gonna do it for you because I can’t let you go through this, I can’t drag you through it. You don’t need any more pain in your life.’
Louisa’s eyes moved to the garden as the carefully targeted sprinklers began to arc and spin. ‘So Danny did tell you,’ she said flatly.
‘About the baby? Yeah, she told me,’ he said, stroking her hair.
‘And did you mean it when you said if it had been yours you wouldn’t have seen it as your problem?’
Closing his eyes he let his head fall against hers. ‘Shit, there’s so much you don’t know,’ he groaned. ‘It’s got to be easier for you to know, but I can’t do it. And the answer’s yes, I did say that, but I had my reasons. Reasons that don’t matter if we’re going to stop seeing each other.’
‘But I don’t want us to stop, Jake. I want this time with you even if it’s all we’re going to get.’
‘No, I can’t let you do it.’
‘Jake, I’ve got my pride, so please don’t make me beg. I want to go on seeing you. I want you to go on holding me this way, for ever if it were possible, but if it’s not then for as long as you can.’
‘That’s how you feel now, but in two weeks, a month from now you’re going to see it a whole lot differently and by then it’ll be too late to turn back.’
‘I’m prepared to take that chance.’
‘It’s not going to be easy.’
‘Nothing worth having ever is,’ she said.
He smiled and tightened his arms around her. ‘I know I’m gonna live to regret this,’ he said, ‘but how about you hold me too?’
As she turned to put her arms around his neck she saw how suddenly vicious the wound around his eye had become, as though it too were suffering whatever pain he was hiding.
‘What happened to your eye?’ she said after he’d kissed her.
‘It’s a long story, not one for now,’ he answered, leaning across her to pick up his wine. ‘For now you’re gonna tell me that you’re prepared to stick by the rules I’m about to lay down if we’re going to continue seeing each other.’
