by Carrie Stone
Besides, her own feelings weren’t exactly jubilant – her earlier intention of having a frank talk had all but disappeared. It most definitely wasn’t the right time or the right place.
Rummaging through the chiller box beside him, Alf placed a heart-shaped chocolate mousse on a small plate in front of her. ‘Here you go, dessert time.’
‘Wow, this looks lovely,’ she enthused, careful to sound encouraging. She watched as he reached for the champagne bottle to top up her glass. ‘Well, all the food tonight has been lovely, actually.’ That part wasn’t strictly true; cooking had never been Alf’s greatest strength – the steak had been extremely tough, but sensing his anxiety and disappointment she’d forced herself to eat it appreciatively. She was just thankful that the mousse was shop-bought – she’d seen the packaging stuffed in the bin bag on her way to the loo a few moments earlier.
‘So you had no idea at all that I was planning a surprise?’ Alf asked, dipping his spoon into the mousse. Under the table, his spare hand instinctively reached to his jeans pocket, feeling for the small box that he’d hidden there only moments earlier. Fumbling, he quickly and discreetly removed it, placing it in the crease of his lap. ‘Belt’s too tight’ he said, noticing Kate’s curious glance across the table. He felt himself growing hot, his heart beginning to race at the thought of what he was about to do. ‘So, no inkling then?’ he repeated, distracting her. ‘Even when I called you at Megan’s and told you to come home?’
‘None at all,’ Kate answered honestly. ‘But what a lovely surprise it’s been. I can’t believe you went to all this trouble just to cheer me up.’ Having never been one for romantic gestures, she was staggered at the effort Alf had put in. She reached out and grabbed his hand. ‘I really appreciate it. Even if it did rain without you expecting it to.’
She was torn. Although it had been a welcome surprise to come home to something so thoughtful and unique – on a melancholic note, it made her decision regarding the changes she was about to undertake all the more difficult. She gazed at Alf, her stomach twisting in growing concern.
His eyes met with hers and she was shocked at the anxiety she saw behind his smile. She felt herself sinking lower into her seat, aware that he was suddenly looking as nervous as she’d been feeling since arriving home. She watched as he fumbled again with his belt, a small trickle of sweat building around his hairline.
Her heart plummeted to the depths of her stomach.
Why hadn’t she noticed it sooner? It was obvious now – crystal clear. An immense feeling of wretchedness started to wash over her as the realisation sank in. How had she missed it? All of the signs were there. They had been there for the past hour – the dinner, the gazebo, the champagne….
Clearing his throat, Alf took a deep breath and with one finger flipped the lid on the box held tightly within his discreet grasp. Not wanting to prolong the build-up of jittering anxiety that was wracking his nervous system, he finally brought his hand up from under the table.
Kate felt her insides whirling frantically in pandemonium. She breathed in sharply as she fixed her eyes on the ring that glistened before her; a perfect combination of sparkling diamond and deep, luxurious ruby. Her beating heart seemed to suspend itself in time as she watched Alf lean forwards and ask the question that she had so longed to hear.
‘Kate.’ He cleared his throat again, in one swift move removing the ring from the box and holding it out to her. ‘Will you do me the honour of marrying me?’
Alf watched as Kate’s eyes widened in surprise, her features frozen in a state of shock. His hands were trembling slightly as he extended the ring a little further towards her, waiting patiently for her to overcome the initial surprise and delightedly accept his offering.
Despite her shocked silence and racing heart, Kate felt her lips moving and desperately wanted to stop the words that were tumbling from her mouth from being spoken. But she knew it wasn’t possible. They were words spoken from the heart. Words that had true meaning. A meaning that she knew was going to tear Alf’s own heart apart.
‘I’m so sorry, Alf. I can’t.’ The sentence was spoken so softly that she saw Alf squint in confusion. Clearing her throat, she willed her voice to gain strength. ‘The answer is no.’ Her tone was surprisingly calm despite the tension and sickness that were making her insides dance. She saw the flicker of excitement and hope extinguish in Alf’s eyes – as clearly as a bright light going out in a dark room, his expression crushed.
She had never wanted to hurt him – had never intended it to end in this way. The irony was bittersweet. He’d finally given her the one thing she’d always desired on the very same evening that she’d intended to have a frank talk with him. The same evening that she’d planned to open up to him about the decision she’d made about their relationship – to be honest about her true feelings.
Hearing his sharp intake of breath, she looked on tormented as Alf got up from the table in clear angst, dropping the ring amongst the clutter of discarded plates. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew she couldn’t, shouldn’t. Reaching out to him would only make things worse for both of them.
He turned to her then, his eyes glassy, his voice shaking with anger and dejection – his tone carrying his pain. ‘You don’t even need to explain. It’s written all over your face. It has been for the past week. I just didn’t want to believe it.’ She watched as his shoulders slumped in defeat, as he reached up to rub his eyes – the hopelessness pouring from him.
He shook his head at her one last time, a persecuted expression on his face and walked away.
Kate watched tearfully as he disappeared into the house and moments later heard his car engine starting up outside.
An inexplicable sadness engulfed her; every fibre of her being was shrouded in sorrow and guilt. For allowing it to get this far. For allowing her to give him false hope. But for all of the sorrow and guilt, an even stronger feeling was accompanying it – that of profound freedom. It was the freedom of knowing that she could finally go into the future without being held back by old ties. The future that held every possibility of newness. She felt a flutter of hope and instantly knew that she had made the correct choice for her heart.
It was the letter that had decided it. Vivian’s letter that had made her see things clearly and opened her eyes to the situation she’d enveloped herself in. She’d been considering everything for a couple of weeks now. Considering how the love that she’d felt for Alf had been anchoring her to a situation that she’d long outgrown; that both of them had long outgrown but refused to acknowledge.
It had taken her a while to understand, but she finally realised the key element that she’d been missing for so long. She loved Alf, but she wasn’t in love with him. She was simply in love with the idea of being loved. It wasn’t fair on either of them to continue holding on to a relationship based on illusion. A relationship that she’d leapt back into solely because Alf was better the devil she knew. She owed it to herself to desire more than that. She deserved true love and true happiness, as did he. She’d once thought that she was incapable of being totally alone but Viv’s death, just like her temporary split with Alf, had shown her that even when circumstances changed in her life – she would still manage to find her footing again.
The dreams that she’d once had for herself and Alf were no longer the dreams that she had for her future. Since giving it another try together, she realised she’d changed in a lot of ways. She didn’t need his approval as she once had. She’d finally accepted her own strengths, that she could carve a new career for herself and that no matter how many people left her life, she’d always have the strength to continue and move forwards.
Sitting down and visualising a marriage and family with Alf didn’t give her the same peace and excitement in her heart as it once had. Megan’s words earlier that day had especially hit home – for they were the ones she’d been questioning of late; when you know it’s the right man, you know. But that was part of the problem; she
hadn’t been feeling that way in the past week. She was finding herself hoping for someone different; for something new and exciting; for far more than Alf could give her.
Although Alf had changed in many respects since his Scotland stint, it still hadn’t been enough to cement the bond between them again. She knew the silent doubts she’d been having were founded. She’d changed too much in the past months to continue treading the dirty waters that she’d been tiredly fighting against for so long. She had stepped into a new positive cycle of her life – one where Alf no longer belonged by her side as a partner. And one where she would own her power and take control of her life, to go after what she really wanted.
Wiping a tear from her eye, Kate pulled from her pocket the letter she’d religiously been carrying around for the past three weeks; her eyes falling on the part she needed to read for reassurance. The words that had prompted everything.
‘Never be fearful of the unknown, Kate. Settling for familiar and safe isn’t always the soul’s answer to true happiness. True happiness can sometimes only be found by taking a leap of faith – even if that means letting go of something familiar that you love.’
It was only fair that she had let Alf go.
The time had come for her to go in search of true happiness.
Epilogue
Four months later
Kate unwrapped her grey lambswool scarf, dropping it into her lap. Despite the early-February chill, the sun was putting in an unexpected, but welcome, late-morning appearance. It made her second and final day in Brighton all the more appealing, given that she wanted to fit in as much as she possibly could around her already busy schedule.
Sinking back against the hard, wooden-slated bench, she considered the couple of hours she had to spare and wondered whether to head towards the beach for lunch or browse the nearby lanes for gifts. Daniel wasn’t expecting her to give him a decision until later and, besides, she’d already made up her mind after spending most of the previous evening thinking about the proposition.
Her mobile beeped with a message from Megan, ‘Aloha from Honolulu’ accompanied by a photo of her tanned and happy friend wearing a bright-blue bikini and drinking from a coconut shell, relaxed in Marcus’s sandy embrace. Kate was instantly transported back to the couple’s very small and informal register-office marriage only ten days previously. It was hard to comprehend the pace at which the relationship had developed. Hard to believe that Megan – the very same Megan who had shrugged at the idea of marriage and commitment for so many years – was now a married woman. The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on her, for she had been the one to spend seven years in a secure relationship, wanting nothing more than marriage. Yet Megan, so clueless to love, had not only found true love quickly – but wasted no time in taking the ultimate step of commitment.
The register-office ceremony had been awkward in many ways; awkward because she’d had to face Alf – to act civil and friendly, even though she knew that he despised the sight of her. It was clear that he still blamed her and held her responsible for ruining their future together. It was saddening that he still couldn’t understand her reasoning, that he was still adamant that they were a perfect match – still living in a state of delusion. She knew that he missed her, but she also knew that it wasn’t for the right reasons. She’d come to understand his need for control – even though he wasn’t aware of himself doing it and she was thankful that they had as little contact as possible.
Closing the image of Megan and Marcus, Kate tossed her mobile into her bag, gazing absentmindedly at the Royal Pavilion building in front of her. Such little time had passed since that fateful day with Alf and yet it felt like an eternity. Her life had changed in so many ways, ways that she’d never have imagined possible. The completion of the house sale had been the biggest blessing to date – had finally enabled her to free herself of all ties to Alf, ties to the life they’d shared together. It had sold faster than any of them had expected. To Kate, this was further confirmation that she’d made the right decision – it was meant to be. Especially given the opportunity that she had floating before her now; the chance to own a small but perfectly located shop in Brighton, where she could sell her artwork and her newly inspired craft paintings, made of material offcuts.
Given the national media coverage that had come her way since the second exhibition two months earlier, plus the astonishing demand for bespoke pieces, it made perfect sense to have a base from which to work and sell from.
Daniel had been the one to suggest it. He’d almost taken on a managerial role and, whilst it sometimes made her bristle to be pushed into avenues she wasn’t comfortable with, she was beginning to see how much his influence was benefiting her. She’d never imagined that she would be so blessed with the openings that were presenting themselves to her.
Besides, Daniel knew Brighton well – he’d once lived there and Kate had fallen in love with it since her frequent visits over the past month. The little old lady who was retiring from the current memorabilia store – which would become her very own art studio if she chose to go ahead with the business offer – was also moving back to London. This meant that the flat above the store was vacant, too. It was a big decision; one that she had weighed up carefully. After all, how would she feel about leaving behind those who were closest to her, and especially breaking away from Oak Park and its many memories after so many years?
She noticed a small white dog bounding towards her across the grass and smiled. The dog could have easily been a carbon copy of Sam. She watched as its owner called its name and it came to a sudden halt. Thinking of little Sam almost brought a tear to her eye. Ever since the split and her temporarily moving into Megan’s to save Alf the angst of leaving home for a second time, it had been a concern to her that Sam was clearly distressed by the upheaval. When Alan had kindly offered to take Sam on a more permanent basis, at first she had firmly refused. After all, Sam’s place was with her and the care home rules didn’t allow pets anyway.
It was Lillian who had told her… Apparently she’d known for a long time, as had Vivian. Yet they’d vowed to keep the knowledge a secret, knowing the havoc that a revelation so shocking could cause to the care home and its residents. It all made sense now – the many things that Alan said or did; the influence he seemed to have over Steinbach… She should have guessed it herself.
She thought back to the afternoon when Alan told her that he’d been in love with someone else before his wife – the person that he couldn’t be with – the person he’d turned down to marry his wife. It hadn’t come as a shock to her to learn that Alan was bi-sexual, although she couldn’t imagine how difficult it would have been back in those days to live with such a secret. However, it was hard to believe the person that Alan had been in love with all that time was Walter Steinbach. The same bitter and nasty Walter that she’d feared throughout her working years.
It had only been recently that she’d allowed herself to consider Walter’s lonely existence – wondering if his bitterness could be attributed to having to conceal his own homosexuality for so long… to often be near the man he had always loved and not be able to display his affection. It had made her soften towards him a little. Even more so when she’d been called into his office alongside Alan and told that the Oak Park policy had been changed to accommodate a residential pet. It had been Alan’s elation at the decision that had made her change her mind about Sam. She knew that Sam belonged to her, but the dog had always seemed happiest around Alan – he brought out a side of Sam that she never could.
Alf hadn’t taken much persuading, despite her fears that he would object just to spite her. Besides, with his new job working for Nigel Lambert – an opportunity he’d worked hard to achieve and wasn’t going to sacrifice – he was too pre-occupied to participate in Sam’s fulltime care anyway.
Sam had taken to the arrangement of being with Alan like a duck to water. Kate wondered if the ease of the transition was partly because she still saw him on a daily
basis through work. Whilst it had broken her heart the first two weeks to let him go, his obvious contentment whenever she saw him was enough to reassure her that she’d made the right choice. Sam was where he belonged – with Alan.
Glancing at her watch, Kate realised with a jolt that it was already nearly midday. She retrieved her mobile and dialled Lillian’s number, but there was no answer. Leaving a message on the answerphone, she ended the call. It had become a regular thing, their ‘midday catch-up’ as they both liked to call it. Except the past week, Lillian had become more social with Roberto and never actually seemed to be around when Kate called. Not that she minded, of course; it was heartwarming to know that Lil had settled in Leeds so easily. Kate had already been up to visit her numerous times; the detached and leafy bungalow in which she now lived was filled to the brim with her many belongings. They always spent Kate’s visits alone, talking about Vivian and bringing all the old memories back to life. For both of them it was a special time together – a reminder of their past and a way of reinforcing hope and strength for their future. There was no denying that Kate missed Lil at Oak Park. She’d found it especially hard at the beginning – so soon after Viv’s passing, when Lil had gently told her of Roberto’s offer to go back to live in Leeds with him. Yet she knew that Lillian had lost everything in losing Viv; her only friend, her only family – perhaps even more so than Kate.
She hadn’t wanted anything more than to see Lillian happy in a new home with a new person by her side – filling the great gap that Vivian’s legacy had left behind. And Roberto had given her that. The twinkle in her eye was finally back again.
‘Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?’
Kate squinted as she looked up at the tall man whose messy ginger hair failed to shield the rays of sunlight from behind his head.
