by Sara V. Zook
“No, no, it’s not that I think it’s a bad idea,” Shane said to whomever it was he was talking to. He turned and saw me, gave me a quick smile, then continued to pace. “Well, not real good, but what do you expect? Today sometime. Not sure when. I think she’s got it. She has to.” He exchanged glances with me again as I collapsed down on the couch and curled my legs up underneath me. “She’s right here.” He sighed. “Okay. I’ll see if she wants to.” Shane turned to me and held his phone up. “She wants to talk to you.”
“Who?” I asked.
“My mother.”
Now I knew why he sighed. It was Evelyn. I opened up my hand and pressed Shane’s phone up to my ear. “Hi, Evelyn.”
“Livvy, how are you, dear?”
I felt a lump form in my throat. I attempted to swallow it down. “As best as can be expected I guess.” Why did people always ask you how you felt when they already knew the answer? Then I felt bad about my thought process. Darin was Evelyn’s son. I should be asking her how she was doing. “You two doing okay?”
“Well, no, not exactly,” she whispered. “I cried all night and Henry sat in the recliner just staring at a TV that wasn’t even turned on. I just was thinking and telling Shane that we should probably all come together, be together during this time. I don’t think you should be by yourself. Why don’t you let Shane bring you up here to stay at our place for a while?”
Having Shane around was suffocating enough. It was like he didn’t trust me by myself, that I wouldn’t eat or take care of myself if left alone. I wasn’t a child. Now my mother-in-law must feel the same way—either that or she was feeling lonely herself. I glanced at Shane, who gave me an apologetic shrug.
I mouthed the word NO to him. He smirked.
“I don’t know, Evelyn. I’ll think about it, okay? I have some things I need to do today,” I quickly explained. “And I’m kind of tired.”
“Some of the neighbors have brought us food hearing that Darin passed. It’ll all go to waste if you and Shane don’t come help us eat it.” She was on the verge of pleading.
“I’ll talk to Shane about it. I have to get to the funeral home soon to discuss…things.”
“The funeral won’t be for a few days,” Evelyn added. “So just think about coming up after you’re done with things there, okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“See you soon,” Evelyn told me.
Guess she wasn’t giving me an option anymore. I tossed Shane his phone.
“Not really how you wanted to start your day, is it?” Shane asked. “A stalker and then your mother-in-law?” His mouth curved up into that smartass smirk of his again.
“Thanks for helping me out of that mess, Shane.”
“What?”
“Don’t even give me that look of yours. You didn’t exactly help my case with going up there today. You probably even encouraged it, if anything,” I commented dryly.
Shane didn’t say anything. He gave me another apologetic look. “Think I’ll go grab a shower real quick. I put some clean clothes and soap in my car. Then we can go, okay?”
“I’m not looking forward to it,” I mumbled, but Shane didn’t hear me. I watched him go out the door to his car while I leaned back on the couch, dwelling on the past, dwelling on Darin, dwelling on what I’d lost.
SEVEN
Shane
I parked the car at the funeral home. The sun seemed too cheery and didn’t mix well with my dark mood. My brother’s body was in that place. I hesitated getting out of the vehicle for a few seconds and noticed Livvy doing the same. I could only imagine the kind of thoughts going through her mind right now. I sucked it up and walked around to the passenger side of the car. I opened the door. She just sat there. I could see tears glistening in her eyes.
“You coming, Liv?”
She took a tissue out of her pocket and dabbed her eyes with it. “I don’t know if I can, Shane. This is too hard.”
I opened up the back door and grabbed the clothes she’d gathered for my brother to wear. Then I stooped down to her and offered her my hand. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “I know you can do it. I’ll be right beside you the whole time. I promise I won’t go away.” I held out my hand. She looked at it for a moment before gripping onto the tissue and sliding her other hand in mine. We walked up the steps of the funeral home. This was going to be awful.
“Hello!” a big voice bellowed out as soon as we stepped inside the door. “You must be Mrs. Thorne.”
Liv nodded. “Livvy.” She released my hand to shake the undertaker’s.
“Bill Horace. So sorry about your loss.”
“This is my brother-in-law, Shane,” she introduced me.
Bill nodded in my direction, then extended his hand to me also. “Let’s go into my office and discuss preparations, shall we? Right this way.”
We followed him into a small, crowded office that had papers scattered all over an old desk. “We had a gentleman come in earlier this morning who said he wanted to take care of all the flower arrangements. They’re supposed to be delivered later today or early in the morning.”
A gentleman? “Who was it?”
Bill raised his eyebrows as he turned to sit down in his chair behind the desk. He gestured for us to take seats in the chairs across from the desk. “Said his name was Sean.” He scratched at the bottom of his scruffy chin. “Didn’t catch the last name.”
An uneasy feeling filled the pit of my stomach. I was going to have to discuss this psychopath with Livvy later. She was going up to my parents’ now even if I had to drag her there kicking and screaming. I was beginning to think that on top of the death of Darin, she had a stalker on her hands. That didn’t sit well with me. What the hell was this Sean guy’s problem anyway? He must have a screw or three loose in that skull of his.
“He said he was a good friend of yours and that’s about it. Seemed like a real nice fellow and was enthusiastic about helping you any way he could,” Bill told us.
Livvy only nodded, but her hand slipped back into mine as if just the touch of our skin was all that was holding her together at the moment. “I’ll have to thank him,” she murmured.
The arrangements were made, viewing times, funeral service, newspaper announcement and most importantly for Bill, the cost. Darin had had plenty of money. Cost wasn’t an issue here fortunately. I only heard half the conversation between Liv and the undertaker. My mind was stewing with what I was going to have to do to this Sean guy if he got close to Livvy again. What a sick bastard. He was using Livvy’s weakness as a chance to get in her pants. I was going to destroy him if I got my hands on him. He wasn’t even going to be able to walk. His kindness wasn’t appreciated around here, it was just—disturbing. The more I sat there and dwelled on it, the more furious I became.
“Thank you, Mr. Horace,” Livvy finally said, standing. She folded her hands in front of her and turned to look at me. I stared into her sad eyes, my heart breaking for her repeatedly.
“Again, so sorry for your loss. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call me.” The undertaker stood also, shaking both our hands again.
“When’s the funeral?” I asked after climbing back inside my car.
She gave me a strange look. “You were there.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t listening.”
Livvy didn’t inquire further about where my thoughts had been. She just put on a pair of sunglasses and leaned her head against the passenger side window. “Thursday.”
That gave us two days at my parents’ house.
“Hungry? Thirsty? Need a snack? Anything?” I asked.
“No. I’m good. Thanks.”
“You ready to go to Mom and Dad’s?”
“Not really, but let’s go anyway. I packed a small bag, remember? It’s in your trunk.”
I gripped onto the steering wheel tightly. Yeah, I remembered her packing it, but I also remembered her mentioning that she maybe wasn’t going to go, either.
I started the engine. My emotions were going haywire. I was still so pissed off about that Sean guy shoving his nose in business that wasn’t his and trying to act like a goody-two-shoes in the process. Then my thoughts shifted to Darin being gone again and this whole giant picture of grieving around me, especially when I looked at Liv. Then I thought about Gwen and how much I missed her, wondering what she was up to all the time. Chaos ensued within me.
“Shane?”
I glanced over at Liv. “Yeah?”
“You okay? You seem…is there something else bothering you other than Darin?”
“That obvious?”
“Your knuckles are turning white on the steering wheel like you’re going to tear it off,” she remarked, leaning back in her seat, her hands resting on her pregnant belly.
I licked my dry lips, wondering how to start this conversation. “How much do you know about this Sean guy?”
“Oh.” She pushed a loose curl out of her eyes. “The flower thing’s bothering you. It’s bothering me, too.” Livvy frowned. “I don’t know much other than he’s supposedly widowed himself. He said his wife was sick when he married her. No kids. I don’t know much, Shane. What the hell is his problem, though? Why is he being like this with me?”
“He obviously has the hots for you, Liv.”
She laughed as if that were impossible. “What? You can’t be serious, Shane. I’m pregnant for god’s sake.”
“Pregnant or not, you’re a good looking chick, Liv.”
She glared at me.
“I know you don’t view yourself that way, but it’s the truth. Besides, you’d be perfect for this Sean in his eyes. You’d be like an instant family for him. He probably has to pay women to touch him.”
“Shane, stop it.”
“I’m serious. How do you know that he was even married in the first place? Maybe he made up that story so it’d seem like he had something in common with you. He offered for you to talk to him if you needed to, didn’t he? He thinks he can lure you in by being a good listener, offering advice widow-to-widow, all the while he’s trying to get in your pants.”
Liv snorted as if I were still being ridiculous.
“Don’t be naive, Liv. The world is full of sickos. Even if the wife thing is true, I would think he’d be the kind of person to be messed up enough to have been the reason for her death. Stay away from that pie.”
“Shane, you should listen to yourself. I think he’s harmless. Even if he does have a little crush, I’m going to thank him for the flowers but decline his request for anything else. I’m going to tell him he’s being overbearing, and that will be the end of it.”
“See how good that does you. That only drives people like him crazier.”
“Oh, I forgot,” Livvy continued. “You have experience in this area.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“You know, crazies. Some of your ex-girlfriends were not all there upstairs, isn’t that right?”
I grinned. She had me there. “Yeah, they weren’t that normal, I guess you could say, but I can tell you one thing for certain, none of them baked me any pies!”
That got Livvy to laugh again. It was nice to see her smile, even if it was only a temporary escape.
“I do think he’s harmless. I’ll admit, I am a little weirded out, but harmless.”
“Liv, you live in a delusional world. He wants to rock your boat.”
“Okay, Shane, I get the point. I do.”
Now I’d irritated Livvy. She had enough things to worry about, but I wanted to make her aware of this situation with Sean. He’d invited himself into her life, and I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to be the last she’d see of him.
“Are you tired? You can take a nap on the way,” I suggested.
Livvy exhaled loudly. “If I’m hungry, I’ll eat. If I’m thirsty, I’ll get a drink. If I’m tired, I’ll let you know! I don’t need a babysitter, Shane!”
Her outburst hurt. Maybe I was being way too overbearing myself. I hadn’t meant to. I didn’t say anything back, just figured I’d let her take some time to herself and not bother her by talking anymore.
After a few minutes, Livvy turned toward me as I drove. “Sorry, Shane. I didn’t mean that. I mean, I did, but I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I know you’re just being nice and you didn’t deserve it.”
“It’s fine, Liv, really. I understand,” I told her, my eyes focused on the road before me as I watched for the next exit I needed to take.
“No, it’s not fine. I just want to believe I can be okay on my own. If no one else has faith in me, it makes me doubt myself that much more.”
“This sadness thing can be overwhelming. I saw it with Darin when you were in a coma. I saw what he went through, and it wasn’t pretty. I don’t want that kind of thing to happen to you, Liv. I know I’m being a little over-protective. I’m the one who needs to be apologizing.” I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out. It was a text from Gwen telling me a simple I love you. A dull ache in the pit of my stomach added to my agony. California felt so fucking far away.
“You miss her.” Livvy’s words were more like a statement than a question.
“Yeah.”
“When are you going back home?” Liv asked.
I bit the inside of my cheek, typed a quick reply that I loved her too, then put the phone back in my pocket. “I have some time off that needs to be used up. Gwen suggested something the other night. She thought maybe you’d like to come out to California for a while and stay with us, you know, hang out.”
Livvy didn’t say anything for a while. I could see her picking at the skin on her fingers as if she were deciding what to say. “I don’t want to burden anyone,” she finally said.
I laughed. “Liv, you know you’re one of my favorite people in the whole world. You’d never be a burden to me.”
“You say that now…”
“I’ll say that always,” I quickly told her.
Livvy sighed and leaned her head against the window again. She was curling into a ball as if she were cold. I didn’t want to ask her if the temperature was right in the vehicle, not after she had just straightened me out earlier about the food/tired thing. Maybe she was just trying to hold herself together. God only knew the turmoil that was going on inside that head of hers. She’d found the love of her life—twice—and lost him, just as things were settling into place for them. Liv was brave, she’d get through this without acting like a zombie like Darin did when Liv had been sick. I’d make sure of that. Seeing the light go out inside of her right now was distressing enough. I’d be damned if I didn’t find some way of helping Liv find a spark again.
After some time, I looked over to find Liv’s eyes closed behind her sunglasses. She was asleep. I reached in the back of my seat for a coat I had tossed back there and pulled it to the front. I draped it over her chest, around her arms and pulled it up to her neck. She stirred gently but still remained sleeping. I stared at her for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and returning my attention to the road before me.
EIGHT
Livvy
I wasn’t thrilled about seeing Henry and Evelyn right now. I’d rather be lying in bed. I felt extremely tired and had cat naps on and off, but nothing lasting and nothing that really left me feeling refreshed. So this was what grief felt like. Even the hunger pangs from the pregnancy significantly decreased. I was spiraling down a hole I didn’t know how to find my way out of, and I was struggling, my fingernails clawing at dirt to try to keep myself from plummeting the whole way to the bottom. Something told me I was going to hit, though—hit hard. My in-laws would hopefully be distraction enough to keep me occupied, if only for a little while.
My eyes opened when I felt Shane’s car come to a halt in his parents’ driveway. I sat up, a coat falling down my arms. Shane had covered me up while I slept. I glanced his way, my lips thinning into a small smile. He nodded then, knowing my gratitude. Shane was really a very sweet and thoughtful gu
y. Had he always been that way, or was it just now that he had finally allowed himself to grow up a little bit, enough that his chivalry was shining through? I didn’t know, but I appreciated it just the same. He said I was one of his favorite people in the world, and honestly, I thought the exact same way about him.
Evelyn was already out on the porch, her hands on her hips as she peered down at us. I opened the passenger door and forced myself out. I took a deep breath and looked over at the old barn. Darin and I hadn’t spent much time here. I wondered what it was like when Darin and Shane were boys, when there were animals in that barn. I could picture them running around in the fields in their bare feet, being energetic and ornery. My hand fell down and cupped underneath my belly. I wanted my little one to grow up with enough land to run free on. That had been mine and Darin’s plan…
“Livvy,” Evelyn cried out, taking her time as she descended the wooden steps and came over to me. She opened up her arms and brought me in to hug me tight. She smelled of onions and beef.
I relished in the warmth of my mother-in-law. Being around Darin’s family was like holding onto a living piece of him. “Hi, Evelyn.”
She pulled away from me and put both her palms on my cheeks as she examined my face. “Poor dear. Come on inside and get something to eat. I just finished making dinner. Everything’s on the table already.”
I sighed. The thought of food made me a little nauseous, but I knew I needed to eat to keep my strength up for the baby’s sake. I watched Shane retrieve my small bag out of his car among his own things. I turned and looked up at the house. This is where my husband grew up. I should embrace it and hold onto it while I had it.
“Livvy,” Henry greeted me. He was already seated at the dining room table, sipping on some tea.
I walked over to him and patted him on the back.
“Hungry, girl? Evelyn has everything ready.”
