by Sara V. Zook
“You’re right, babe.”
“I know I am,” she said in that sassy, sexy tone. “I need to check my schedule in the morning and come out there.”
“No,” I quickly said. “You don’t need to. It’ll be a simple ceremony and I’ll be back in California soon.”
Gwen hesitated on the other end. “You don’t want me to come to the funeral?”
“I do…” How did I explain to her how I was feeling? I’d wanted her to come with me before. I thought Darin would be okay and then I’d get to introduce Gwen to the entire family. It would just add to the celebration of Darin’s recovery by having Gwen come out and be with everyone, but now…no, it’s not how I wanted her to meet the family. It wasn’t right to shove her into the middle of this mess without her being shown the proper attention she deserved. Everything would be centered around Darin, and even I couldn’t pay attention to her like she needed. I needed to sort this all out. I didn’t want to risk snapping at her or getting pissed off. It was best if she stayed put. “You have a lot of stuff to do. Just get it done so when I do come back, we can spend a few days together.”
“But Shane, I want to be there for you.”
I tossed the butt of the cigarette over the deck railing. “You are, babe. You’re being there for me right now talking me through all this shit and helping get in my head and sort through it. That’s what I need. When you meet Livvy, I want it to be under happier circumstances—same with my parents. When this storm has passed a little, then I’ll bring you out here, okay? But thank you. Thank you so much for wanting to be with me. That means the world. You have no idea.”
“Okay,” she whispered, and I could tell by the tone of her voice I’d hurt her feelings. Shit. “Take care of your family, Shane, then get your ass back here, you hear me?”
“I love you so much, you know that?”
“So you’ve told me,” she teased.
“Sleep well, babe.”
“You too,” she whispered. “Love you too, Shane. Goodnight.”
I pressed the cell phone up to my forehead and closed my eyes. I’d spent a lot of time out here with Darin bullshitting and drinking beer. We’d never be able to do that again. A tear slid down my cheek. I took a deep breath in and felt more tears swelling on the edges of my lids. I threw my face into my hands and cried, letting the agony of this entire miserable day out as I sobbed loudly into the night.
After some time had passed, I went back inside the quiet house. I held my breath as I walked in front of Darin and Livvy’s room. I didn’t want to disturb her if she’d gotten to sleep. Then I thought about it for a second. She probably couldn’t go to sleep. I should probably go check in on her and see how she’s doing.
“Liv?” I whispered. I listened for a second. Not hearing anything, I turned to leave.
“I’m here,” she replied in the darkness.
I found my way over to the edge of the bed, using what light I had from the kitchen as my guide. I felt Livvy’s foot. She was curled onto her side hugging a pillow—Darin’s pillow I supposed. I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I feel the same way you do,” I began, just thinking aloud.
“Oh yeah? How’s that?”
“Emotionally, physically exhausted, but I don’t even want to try to sleep. I know I can’t knowing…what happened today.” When I didn’t hear Livvy say anything in return, I continued. “I’m actually really pissed off, too. You and Darin…you’ve been through so much. This just isn’t fair. It shouldn’t have turned out like this.”
“How do you think it should’ve turned out, Shane?” Livvy’s voice was monotone, numb even. I’d never heard her speak this way, especially to me. She was always so lively, so affectionate, but I understood it, I really did. Every single time that woman got back on her feet again, life pushed her back down. She couldn’t catch a freaking break. No wonder she sounded like that.
“You guys should’ve both lived to a hundred and three years old!” I yelled out, slamming my fist down on the mattress. “This is such bullshit! I…I already miss my brother!”
A few more moments of silence was interrupted by sobbing as more emotion poured out of Livvy.
“Aw, shit. I’m sorry, Liv. I’m sorry. Don’t cry anymore.” I leaned over her and brushed her hair back away from her tear-soaked face. I couldn’t even see anything more than a shadow as she laid there in the dark. My heart broke for her. I missed Darin, but she was going to miss him a whole hell of a lot more than me. I wiped off some of her tears with my palm and laid down beside her. I wrapped my arms around her hoping it would give her some comfort. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt so helpless here. “Please try to get some sleep, Liv. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. We can figure out some more of this tomorrow,” I whispered.
I didn’t know how long I laid there in the dark with Livvy in my arms. Neither one of us spoke. Neither one of us had to. We knew there was no changing the events of the day, and there was no need to talk about it anymore for now. All I knew was that eventually Livvy’s sobs stopped, her breathing became deeper, and I knew she’d fallen asleep.
I should get up and go to the couch, I thought, but I didn’t want to risk waking her up—not now as she was finally getting some rest. I felt my own eyes grow heavy as I pressed my chin against the top of Livvy’s head, thought about Darin, thought about Gwen, thought about the future of us all, then slowly, very slowly, dozed off myself.
SIX
Shane
I woke up to the sound of pounding on the wall. My eyes jerked open and I sat straight up only to realize that I’d fallen asleep next to Livvy all night. She, too, opened her eyes, the look on her face one of surprise as I pulled my arm out from underneath her head.
“Sorry, Liv. I must’ve fallen asleep…” I tried to explain quickly.
There it was again. It wasn’t pounding on the wall but knocking on the front door followed by the sound of a car door shutting and an engine starting as a car drove away.
My lips felt pasted together as the horrid reality hit me with full force. My brother was dead. I glanced back over at Livvy to see if she was going to burst into tears or not. She slowly got to her feet and pointed to the bathroom. “I’m getting a shower.”
I nodded my head and walked out toward the front door. I wondered if she was pissed at me. Her husband had died and her brother-in-law had slept beside her all night. I knew I was over-analyzing the whole thing. Of course Livvy wouldn’t be pissed. She was—Livvy. She knew I was only trying to comfort her. I raked my fingers through my hair and shook it out again. What the hell time was it anyway?
I opened the front door to be greeted by a steady stream of blinding sunshine. I took two steps back for a moment to let my eyes adjust. There on the front step was a large arrangement of flowers. I walked out in my bare feet and picked up the huge vase, carrying it into the kitchen. The card said it was from Darin’s work. So word was already starting to spread about my brother. I glanced at the microwave clock. Eleven o’clock. Lunch or breakfast? I should make Livvy some eggs or something. My own stomach growled in agreement.
Searching for a pan, I finally found one and was trying to figure out more things like if Livvy even had any eggs in the fridge and how to turn the dang burner on. I had just cracked an egg into the pan when the doorbell rang.
Who now?
I glanced back at the egg sizzling away in the pan before silently cursing and making my way to the front door. I opened it wide to find some guy standing before me I’d never seen before. He must’ve been over fifty, I estimated, as half of his head had turned a grayish-white color. He was wearing a collared shirt and dress pants. He was holding a…pie?
“Um, hi. Can I help you?” I asked, my eyes still on what I thought was a pie.
The guy gave me a look over. “You Livvy’s brother?”
So he knew Livvy. Probably a neighbor or something. My thoughts drifted back to the egg sitting in the pan with the stove that was still on high. “Brother-in-l
aw,” I stressed.
The guy just stood there and stared for a few seconds. “Is she home?”
My irritation grew. The last thing Liv probably wanted right now was a visitor. She was in no mood to talk, and neither was I. I swung the door wide open. “Come on in. She’s in the shower if you want to wait.”
He didn’t answer, just followed me inside as I rushed back to the kitchen. There was already the awful stench of burnt food lifting in the air along with some black smoke, and I was sure not just the egg had been cooked to a crisp, but the pan also. I cringed and cursed again as I struggled to turn the stove down and waved madly in the air at the smoke. I ran over to a window to crack it open. The guy just watched me, amused I was sure, as he sat his own pan down on the countertop.
“How is she?” he asked.
I raised my eyebrows, pissed off as I looked around deciding if I should try making another egg or maybe look for some cereal. Cereal would be safer.
This guy hadn’t even told me who he was. I instantly disliked him. He had no manners and should know when he was interfering, but he was obviously too stupid to come to this conclusion on his own. “She’s sad,” I stated bluntly. “In case you haven’t heard, her husband died yesterday.” I know I sounded like an asshole, but I didn’t care. I was tired and grumpy myself.
“Yeah, I heard. That’s why I brought her this.” His eyes went to the countertop.
“Is that a pie?” I questioned him.
He frowned. “Yeah.”
Okay then…
“Did you make that yourself?”
His eyes shot up to mine and glared. “Yeah. Why?”
I shrugged as I reached up to open a cupboard, looking for cereal. Maybe there wasn’t any here. Maybe I was the only weirdo that was an adult and still ate cereal in the morning. “Just wondering,” I mumbled. I thought it was kind of strange he brought a pie, but I guess some people did do those sorts of things. I wasn’t exactly an expert on the normal things to take to a person’s house after they lost a loved one.
“Sean?”
I turned toward Livvy as she entered the kitchen. She had dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was still wet as she patted it with a towel. She was wearing a long blue robe and looked taken back by the visitor. See, I knew she wasn’t up for seeing this dude.
“Hi,” the guy said, giving her a warm smile. He hadn’t smiled at me that way. He walked uneasily over to her and gave her an equally awkward hug.
Livvy’s eyes shifted to me as she put the towel on the back of a chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest as if she were naked instead of wearing that robe. “What are you doing here?”
Sean swallowed, hard. “I…I heard what happened. I just wanted to come and check in on you, make sure you’re all right. I made you a pie.” He pointed proudly to the pan sitting on the countertop. “Still should be warm if you want a piece. It’s cherry.”
Liv nodded as she smiled, trying to be polite. Even I could see a mile away how forced that smile was. I was going to have to get this guy out of here.
“Thanks, Sean.” She uneasily squeezed at the edges of her damp hair. “I wanted to thank you for the other night, too. What you did for me…taking me to the hospital and sitting with me…”
Sean put up his hand, motioning that she didn’t have to go on. He grinned that goofy grin of his again. “I told you, it was really no problem. I saw a neighbor who needed help. You would’ve done the same for me.”
Liv nodded again, her eyes going to the floor. She was distant, not in the mood for this meaningless conversation right now.
“Hey, man, thanks for the pie. I’m sure it’s delicious,” I said, trying to wrap things up so he’d just go.
She was so out of it, she hadn’t even commented on the smell of burnt egg/pan, or saw that the window was open.
The guy got my hint, but he didn’t seem happy about it. What more did this guy want? He’d been able to see Livvy and tell her about his pie. I walked over to him, meaning to chauffeur him to the door. He dodged around me and made his way back in front of Liv. He put his hand on her shoulder. “Livvy,” he said in a low tone as if not wanting me to hear, “if you need anything—anything—just let me know. I live right down the road in the white brick house with a small windmill in the front yard. You may not understand why this is all happening now, but things happen for a reason, and you know I’ve been through it, so I’m speaking honestly from experience. Your heart hurts now, but in time, it’ll fade. I’m here for you, Livvy, as a friend…as whatever you need,” he added in there.
I lowered my eyes in disgust. What the hell did that mean?
“Don’t shut everyone out around you,” he continued. “You may come to realize we need each other as companions of similar circumstance.”
“We have a lot of things to do today,” I interrupted him. “So…”
He slowly removed his hand from her shoulder. Livvy looked up at him and only nodded again. She probably thought this guy was as big of a wacko as I did. At least I hoped she did. He pressed his lips together in another smile and turned to wave at her.
I glanced at Livvy on my way out of the room as I hurried to open the front door for him and didn’t say a word as I closed it behind him. I wiped my hands off on my jeans and shook my head.
What the fuck was that?
I went back to the kitchen. Livvy was just staring at the floor. “Who was that?”
“A neighbor.”
“I got that much. Do you know him?”
She shook her head. “The night Darin had his heart attack, he came over and offered to take me to the hospital. He stayed with me for a while in the waiting room that night. He’s…nice.”
“Creepy is more like it,” I stated.
Livvy let out a little chuckle. “He is a little creepy, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, for sure.”
She ran her fingers through the wet strands of her hair which already were starting to dry. “I think he’s just lonely.”
“And looking for some loving,” I added.
Livvy’s eyes shot up to mine in surprise.
“Hey,” I said, putting both hands in the air. “Just calling it like I see it. He’s a strange bird, that Sean guy. Trying to take advantage of a situation.”
“Shane,” she chastised.
“It’s probably true, Liv.”
“Well, I don’t think so.”
“Do you actually want to eat that pie, or should I just toss it in the trash now?”
Livvy rolled her eyes.
I walked over to it and peered down as if inspecting its contents. “Probably laced with something to make you pass out as he watches through the window, then comes in to take advantage of you while you’re unconscious.”
“Shane!” Livvy stood up. “You’re ridiculous.” But I noticed she gave the pie a leery glance before turning to go back toward her bedroom. “I’m going to get dressed.”
“I did make breakfast for you,” I called out after her, “but it got a little too crispy.”
“You’re lucky the fire alarm didn’t go off,” she hollered back from the room. “And make sure you shut that window.”
So she had noticed after all.
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Livvy
I ran a comb through my hair as I stared at myself in the mirror. I was a widow now. I was alone. I would have to get through the rest of my life without my husband. I’d have to lie in that bed without the love of my life by my side.
My thoughts drifted to the bed and how comforted I’d felt with Shane’s arms wrapped around me last night. It was sick and twisted, but I’d somehow tried to imagine it was Darin. A pang of guilt ripped through me. I was ashamed at myself for thinking that way. I’d fallen asleep in the arms of my brother-in-law and woken with him still there. I loved Shane, he was a great guy, but if anyone was taking advantage
of someone, it was me with Shane. I knew he wanted to comfort me, give me some sort of peace, and Darin would approve of that, loving us both, but I didn’t want Shane to look at me and feel so sorry for me that he thought I’d wither away to nothing if he didn’t watch over me. It wasn’t right to make someone feel like that, and I couldn’t do that to Shane. I’d have to suck it up and take this one day at a time. The sadness was overwhelming, though. It extended to every part of my body, mind, and spirit. I could only hope that with time it would fade or become numb. The baby stirred within me as I felt the tender kicks. He was still so little. The movements would only increase over the next few months. I had to be strong for my son. It was a nice thought, wanting to be this indestructible person, but could I really do that, or would I become an empty shell of a human being? Tears stung my lids again. I quickly wiped them away and searched for my hair dryer. I didn’t know everything I was doing today, but I was getting ready nevertheless. I refused to stay in here and sulk all day. Preparations needed to be made to bury my beloved Darin, and damn it, I was going to be strong enough to do that for him.
I let my curly hair loose around my shoulders. It had grown considerably in the past few months. I threw on some jeans and a T-shirt. I stared at myself. Yep. This was as good as it was going to get. I had to go to the funeral home today. That’s where Darin was now. I had to bring clothes of his with me for him to be buried in. I walked over to his side of our walk-in closet and took a deep breath. There were his clothes, some of them tossed carelessly on the floor, right where he’d left them. Last week I would have been irritated by this. Today it was a thing of beauty, a piece of who he was remaining untouched by anyone. I grabbed one of his suits and fled the area before the sorrow could come crashing down on me again. I stuffed some tissues in my pocket anyway, because this whole holding it together thing wasn’t going to last too long once I was discussing arrangements with the funeral guy.
Shane was on his cell phone when I came out of my room. He was in the living room pacing back and forth. I smiled a little. Pacing was also Darin’s thing. Then an ache hit me straight in the chest. Why was it that we only appreciated the habits of others after they had gone?
