by Sara V. Zook
Shane growled in frustration. I didn’t respond to his outburst. He was more angry at the situation at hand than at me anyway and just needed to aim his irritation at someone other than his brother right now. I was sure the ride back with his parents hadn’t helped either. Neither brother had a very great bond with either parent.
“How are you and Gwen?” I questioned him, wanting to take my mind off of Darin for a moment—if that was at all possible.
Shane bent his neck from side to side trying to crack it. “She’s pretty amazing, I have to admit.”
“Wow, spoken from the player himself.”
“Player? Now, that’s a little harsh, Liv, don’t you think?” He cracked a grin, his tension leaving him briefly. “I do believe those days are done. This girl has everything and more.”
I was happy to hear this. Shane was a great man and deserved a great woman. He’d always had a wild side as if not wanting to settle down, wanting to travel and do his own thing. I wasn’t sure he’d ever meet his match, but it seemed as if he had. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
“I can’t wait for you to meet her. You’re going to love her.”
“I’m sure I will.” I stared down at the floor for a few minutes. Then I heard a soft moan and my eyes shot up to the bed.
“Did you hear that?” Shane asked. He, too, was almost jumping out of his seat in anticipation.
I stared at Darin. Had he made that noise? My heart leapt for joy at the sheer hope that noise had brought. Then very slowly his eyelids began to flutter and his jaw muscles clenched. I wanted to jump on top of him and hug him, but I settled for standing and reaching for his hand instead.
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Darin
It seemed as if every part of my body was in pain. Even breathing hurt like hell. I tried to open my eyes, but then the drowsiness hit me again like a wave and knocked me back under.
“I think he’s waking up!” I heard a voice say. Livvy. It was definitely Livvy’s voice. That was enough to help me fight through how tired I felt. My eyes snapped open. Things were blurry at first, then cleared as I focused on the most beautiful face before me—my wife.
“Oh, Darin!” she cried out, sobbing and burying her head in my arm.
I wanted to sit up, but there was no way that was happening. I then realized the drowsiness I felt was weakness. I felt as if a truck had run over me—twice. I blinked a few times, trying to lift my arm to touch Livvy’s soft hair, but even that seemed impossible. What the hell had happened to me?
Cords were connected to me and machines buzzed in the background. Then I looked up and saw Shane’s face appear in my field of vision. He smirked that shitty grin of his. “Welcome back, brother,” he told me.
A hospital. That’s where I was, but why? I struggled to remember anything that happened, but I couldn’t. Nothing was making any sense right now. My chest hurt so badly along with my head, and I felt dizzy even though I was lying down.
“Well, those are the two best faces a man could wake up to,” I managed to whisper. My voice sounded raspy and hushed.
Livvy sobbed harder at my words.
“Mr. Thorne, we’re so glad to see you’ve woken up,” a nurse stated as she started to mess with my IV and machines. “You probably feel extremely weak, is that right?”
I blinked hard. “Yes.” Even speaking was burdensome right now.
“I don’t want to startle you,” the nurse continued. “But you’ve had a heart attack. You had to have surgery and lots of meds, and you’re in the ICU right now.”
I tried to absorb all of this information. A heart attack? Was she freaking kidding me? Then I remembered. I’d been in the kitchen with Livvy, and I had felt a stabbing pain in the center of my chest. A heart attack. Holy shit. “What kind of surgery?” I managed to ask very slowly.
“To fix the defect of your artery. Please don’t try to move or talk too much. I’m going to go page the doctor and let him know you’re conscious. I’ll let you spend a few minutes with your family here.” She gave me a warm smile before disappearing out the door.
“Livvy,” I whispered. “Give me your hand.”
I felt her intertwine her fingers in mine. Both she and Shane were leaning over me, anxiously watching me.
“Tell me what happened.” I closed my eyes for a second, but realized when I did that the weakness tried to overtake me again back into slumber. I needed to know what was going on before I allowed myself to fall back asleep again.
Livvy whisked her tears away. “We were in the kitchen…”
“I remember having chest pain,” I told her. “What’s going on with my heart?”
“Some sort of defect, the shape of it or something like that. You’ve had it since birth, and they went in and repaired it, but they had to bring you back to life twice.”
“I didn’t see the light,” I commented dryly.
“The light?” Livvy’s eyes shifted to Shane.
“Yeah,” I continued. “You know, to show the way to Heaven.”
“Ugh,” Livvy growled chuckling.
“Glad to see he still has his sense of humor,” Shane remarked.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, concern evident in her eyes.
God I loved that woman. “Like shit.”
Shane burst out laughing. “I would hope so.”
“Do your job, Shane, go see if you can get me some more pain meds.” My voice was still so raspy, my throat feeling raw.
“Your parents were here,” Livvy told me.
“I took them home already,” Shane added. “I’m going to go give them a call and let them know you’re awake and try to get you some morphine or something while I’m at it.”
“Good boy,” I said, licking my dry lips. My fingers squeezed Livvy’s. “Come here.”
Her hair was wild and crazy. She looked like she hadn’t gotten an ounce of sleep. Man, was she ever beautiful looking like that, and the best part was she had no idea. “I’m here,” she whispered, her voice choking a little.
“No more crying,” I instructed her. “Come closer. Put my hand on your stomach.”
I watched her swallow, then lean forward, placing my palm against her belly.
“Everything will be okay,” I assured her.
She nodded her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I love you, you know,” I whispered.
She nodded again. “Oh, Darin, I love you too.” Livvy buried her face down against my arm again, her fingers finding mine and sliding into place once again. “I’m just so glad you’re back. I was just so afraid…”
“Shhh,” I hushed her. Every time I spoke it felt like my chest was splitting open. A wave of dizziness washed over me, forcing me to close my eyes.
“Darin? Are you okay?”
I felt Livvy’s body move backward.
“Yeah.” I was struggling to breathe. “I’m just…tired. I feel dizzy.” I didn’t want to scare Liv anymore, but I felt very strange, as if I could pass out, and the feeling was only getting stronger.
“Shane will be back soon with a nurse, and the doctor will be right in,” Livvy said quickly.
I kept my eyes shut. I thought the room would spin if I tried to open them, and I couldn’t dry heave now, not with my chest feeling so tight. I was sure it would split right open if I had to make any sudden jerking movements. Then a sharp pain stabbed me right in the center of the chest. It was exactly like the pain I’d had before only ten times as worse. It was as if I were being strangled from the inside out. I tried to scream out, but no sound would come as my entire body clenched in tension from the severity of the pain.
“Darin!” I heard Livvy shriek.
I couldn’t catch my breath. It felt like a thousand bricks were on top of me pinning me down. I couldn’t do anything but lie there completely helpless to whatever was going on with my heart.
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Livvy
It was pure chaos. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it wasn’t good. One minute Darin was speaking, the next, he seemed as if he were in agonizing pain. The heart monitor flat-lined and a team of nurses and doctors came rushing into the room.
“What happened?” someone asked.
“Looks like he’s had another MI,” another one said.
“Get the paddles ready.”
“Ma’am, we’re going to need you to leave,” a nurse said directly to me.
My fingers were still intertwined with Darin’s. Tears streamed down my cheeks. “No. He’s my husband. He was fine a minute ago.”
“Ma’am, please, we need you to step outside,” she insisted with urgency.
No, I wouldn’t leave him. I refused. I clamped my hand down tighter around his. They were getting the paddles out, ready to shock him back to life. The monitor was still sounding that awful buzzing noise alarming everyone that Darin had no heartbeat.
“Get her out of here!” a man yelled out.
Two people were holding my arms pushing me backward in a firm yet gentle manner. I was losing my grasp on Darin’s hand. “No!” I cried out. They couldn’t tear me away from him. He needed me. Finally, my fingers were forced to let go of him, and I screamed out in anguish as they pulled me from the room and into the hallway, shutting the door behind them as they went back inside. I let my back slide down the wall as I curled into a ball on the floor and sobbed. I was pretty sure I was screaming at the same time, but I couldn’t even tell. I was oblivious to the noises around me. I just wanted Darin to be all right.
I didn’t know how many minutes went by. All I knew was that I still had my hands covering my face as I sat on the floor, and someone wrapped their arms around me. Shane.
“Shhh, Livvy, Livvy, it’s me, it’s me. It’s okay. It’s okay, Liv. Listen, it’s okay,” he mumbled into my ear.
I allowed him to help me stand up again. I looked at his face and then toward Darin’s door. No one had come out yet. I threw myself against Shane and sobbed into his neck. “I think he’s gone, Shane! I think Darin’s gone!”
He rubbed his hand furiously up and down my back trying to comfort me. He didn’t say anything more, just held me and let me grieve, my tears soaking his shirt.
FIVE
Shane
What the heck was going on? I’d just left the ICU to call my parents when I’d heard wails—god awful wails. I’d sprinted back through the doors to find it was Liv down against the wall sobbing. Now she was clenching onto me murmuring that Darin was gone. He’d just been awake. I’d spoken to him. What could’ve possibly happened in those few minutes I’d been gone?
“Liv, tell me what happened,” I said, after letting her cry for a few moments.
She couldn’t speak, only pointed to Darin’s room. I steadied her with one arm as I walked over to the door and pushed it open. There was an entire medical crew in there. They were removing the IV from Darin’s arm and shutting off the machines.
“I’m so sorry,” one of the nurses stated, turning toward us.
The doctor we had spoken to earlier in the day motioned for us to come across the room. I glanced down at my brother. His eyes were closed, and he was lifeless. My heart ached as the realization of what had happened in those moments I was gone became a reality.
“We tried everything we could to save him,” the doctor explained. “His body was just too weak and his heart failed.”
“But he was just awake…” I stuttered. Livvy ran over to Darin’s side and laid her head on his chest.
“I believe that the stress of coming awake was too much for his body to handle. His blood pressure was just not coming up. I’m truly very sorry for your loss.” The doctor gave me a heartfelt pat on the shoulder and turned to leave.
The medical staff that had been in the room cleared out. They said they’d give us a moment with Darin. Was this really happening? I was completely taken aback. It had really happened. There he was. My brother was dead. I didn’t even know how to react to this. They said his prognosis was poor but he’d woken up. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. I was angry. I’d just told my parents moments ago he was going to be okay, and now—I had to make a phone call saying whoops, sorry, I made a mistake, he’s gone. I wanted to put my hand through the wall. And what was to become of Liv now? She was a widow and pregnant. She’d be alone to raise my nephew, and she’d be a mess for a long time over this, if not forever. She’d built her life around this man, my brother. I swallowed and ran my hand through my hair in desperation. Liv’s body was sprawled out over Darin, wailing at the top of her lungs. It was truly the most heartbreaking scene I’d ever experienced in my entire life.
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Livvy
No. No. No.
This wasn’t real. I’d wake up next to Darin and he’d be okay. If only I was that good at pretending.
I picked up his limp hand and placed my fingers back where they had been between his. I’d never wanted to let go of him. I didn’t want to now, but he wasn’t here with me anymore. All that was left was his shell. His soul had left me.
What was I going to do now? We’d made all these plans. We had a child on the way. We were in love…
“Come on, Liv, it’s time to go,” Shane whispered after a while. Had he been standing there that whole time? I didn’t know, nor did I care.
“Just leave me be,” I mumbled. “Might as well bury me with him. I can’t do this alone without him, Shane.”
He let out a loud, exaggerated sigh. “Don’t talk like that. Everything will be okay.”
“When? When will it be okay?”
“Eventually.”
Another sob escaped my throat. “I have no one. He was the only thing I had, and now he’s gone.”
“That’s not true, Liv.”
“Who?” I screamed at him. “Who do I have? Tell me that!”
He tugged at my hand to pull me off of Darin. “You have me, Liv. You have me.”
Well, having Shane wasn’t good enough. I needed my husband, damn it.
“Where will we go tonight?” I asked. I had a million questions running through my mind, none of them having answers I wanted to hear.
“Come on. I’ll take you to your house,” he told me, tugging at my hand once more.
I jerked away from his grasp and turned to stare down at Darin’s face. So very handsome. I traced the outline of his face with my fingertip. I wanted to memorize his features. “I’ll miss you,” I whispered. “I’ll miss you so very much.” I bent down and brushed my lips against his. Then I reached for Shane’s hand and put my head on his shoulder as he led me out of the room and away from Darin.
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Shane
“Oh my god, Shane. I’m so sorry,” Gwen said on the phone later that night. “I can’t believe he’s gone just like that.”
“Yeah, me either.”
I was sitting at my brother’s house. I’d made Livvy some soup, but she’d barely touched it. She was in a daze and didn’t want to talk. I’d tucked her into bed, but I doubted she was sleeping. I could only hope that she’d cry herself to sleep eventually. I was outside on the deck smoking a cigarette. What a shitty day, probably the worst of my whole life.
“One minute he was there, and the other he was gone.” I exhaled into the night air and leaned back in the chair. “You know, it’s funny, I’ve never had anyone close to me die.”
“I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, babe. So what now? What’s going to happen to Livvy?” Gwen asked.
Gwen was back at her apartment,
probably lying in bed with something silky on. I yearned to be there, anywhere but where I was right now. I put the cigarette back up to my lips. “I guess arrangements will have to be made for Darin’s funeral, and then I’ll have to see what Livvy wants to do. I feel…almost responsible for her. Does that even make sense?”
Gwen chuckled, but she sounded tired. “Of course it makes perfect sense. You’re a great human being, babe. You just don’t want to leave her alone. You want to see her happy again. Unfortunately, even though you feel responsible, I just don’t see how you’re going to be able to do that.”
“Me either.” An instant headache formed when just thinking about what would become of Livvy now. I had seen my brother go through it once with her, and that enough was exhausting. Now I’d have to relive that nightmare all over again, with a baby on top of things. There was only so much I could do living on the other side of the country. My parents couldn’t be of much help, that’s for sure.
“Maybe she’d like to come out to California for a while to visit. What do you think?” Gwen suggested.
I smiled. She was always thinking of other people. She called me a great human being? She was fantastic. “That’s definitely an idea. I feel like I need to babysit her or she’s not going to take care of herself and something will happen to the baby. That’s what I’m worried about, too. I have so much fucking shit on my mind.”
“It just seems like a mess right now because it just happened, and it is a lot to figure out. It’ll work itself out, though, Shane, and not all of this is your burden. You have to remember that.”
Gwen was my voice of reason, and she was certainly right, but my guts felt all twisted up inside. I was sad that I’d never see my brother again. I was sad that he now left behind a wife and unborn child he’d never see. I was worried that their lives would be terrible, and I wanted to do everything I could to not let that happen.
