by Dana Arden
Table of Contents
Prologue Trigger
Chapter 1
Razz
Chapter 2 Trigger
Chapter 3 Razz
Chapter 4 Trigger
Chapter 5 Razz
Chapter 6 Trigger
Chapter 7 Razz
Chapter 8 Trigger
Chapter 9 Razz
Chapter 10 Trigger
Chapter 11 Trigger
Chapter 12 Razz
Chapter 13 Razz
Chapter 14 Trigger
Chapter 15 Razz
Trigger
Chapter 16 Trigger
Chapter 17 Razz
Chapter 18 Trigger
Chapter 19 Razz
Chapter 20 Beanie
Trigger
Chapter 21 Trigger
Razz
Chapter 22 Trigger
Chapter 23 Razz
Chapter 24 Trigger
Chapter 25 Trigger
Chapter 26 Razz
Chapter 27 Trigger
Chapter 28 Razz
Chapter 29 Trigger
Razz
Limitless Torment
By
Dana Arden
Limitless Torment
Copyright © 2017 by Dana Arden. All rights reserved.
No parts of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business establishments, or actual persons – living or dead – is entirely coincidental.
Photographer: Reggie Deanching at RplusMphoto
Cover Model: Brittany Ivancich
Cover Design: Vikki ~ Fiverr
Warning:
There are scenes in this book that may not be suitable for some people. If you cannot handle books with dark matter, then please do not continue. All fictional characters in this book are 18 years of age or older. This book was written for an audience at least 18 years of age or older.
Dedication
Life puts people in our paths for a reason. They teach us life’s lessons; love, loss, trust. You can either choose to let these people in or not. The good seeds will be there for the long haul. The bad seeds will teach us what not to look for in longstanding relationships.
This journey has taught me a lot. I’ve met a lot of genuine people as well as some unsavory ones.
So I’ve learned to open my eyes and listen to my mind and not my heart.
Surround yourself with good and greatness will prevail.
Prologue
Trigger
Have you ever had that moment in your life where you’re so relaxed and your mind is at ease that you’d think two words could never crush you?
Well, it’s possible. It happened to me not even two seconds ago and I’m still lying in this bed on my back with those two words running circles in my brain.
I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving…
I roll to my side and glare at Sadie who’s on her back staring at the ceiling. I take in the woman I’ve spent the last nine years off and on with and I don’t recognize her. She’s never wanted to put a title on our relationship and in the beginning, I was fine with that. I was too young for her and then I was in the Marines. I was shipped off or stationed away from Cumming and I didn’t want to tie her down to waiting for me to return.
When I returned three years ago, I figured we’d pick up where we left off. As you can see, we went right back to being fuck buddies and nothing else. I figured when she was ready to commit completely I’d get a sign. A banner swaying in the wind with ‘I love you, Trigger. It’s time to make it official.’
No banner has flown. No exchange of ‘I love you.’ No let’s give this a chance.
Nine years of the back and forth bullshit. Nine years of having my heart crushed thinking this woman felt for me what I felt for her. Nine years of watching my brothers, cousin and sister fall in love and create their own families. Nine years of being a stupid fucker waiting on a woman I should’ve known never would pledge her love and loyalty to me.
How two words can completely gut you and have your dreams crash to the ground in an instant is beyond my reasoning right now.
“Trigger.” Sadie whispers. “Did you hear me?”
“No, what did you say?”
“I said I’m leaving and going back to Louisiana. My dad called a few days ago and he’s not in the greatest shape. He asked if I could come and help out.”
“So, you’re not moving permanently. You’re just going for a visit.” I question.
“Well, I thought if all goes well and the situation is better than when I left, I might stay. It’s where I grew up and I miss my family.”
“Staying.” I grunt. “Isn’t Louisiana where your ex used to verbally abuse you? Isn’t Louisiana the place you ran from so you could give Lyla a better life because you knew staying there would do more harm than good?”
“Yeah, Trigger, but it’s been years. My dad is excited to finally meet Lyla and I have other family there, so it’s not like it’s just my dad.”
I nod. What else can I say? She’s made up her mind. “So when are you planning to move?”
“Tomorrow.” She whispers and turns her face away from me staring at the ceiling again.
“Tomorrow.” I repeat. “How long has this decision been made?”
“Since I got off the phone with my dad. Dani knows, but I made her promise not to tell you. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to break the news and everytime I wanted to, I couldn’t get the words to come out.”
“So you chose the moment after both of us had worked ourselves into oblivion. After I’ve spent the past week catering to everything that Sadie wants. What the fuck is wrong with you? We’ve been doing this same song and dance for years. Why couldn’t you just let me go? You’ve probably known since I got out of the military that we were never going any further than being each other’s fuck toys.”
“It’s not like that, Trigger. I care about you deeply. You’re always there for Lyla and me, but I’m just never in a place where I want to be tied down like Dani, Lily and Greer.”
“So, why didn’t you just release me from your hold?”
“I was scared.” A tear escapes from her eye. “When I first met you, you made me feel wanted and desired. You are the first and only man to accept me and Lyla. Not most men are willing to take on a single mother with a load of emotional baggage.” She shakes her head. “I guess I just got comfortable in the relationship that we have and never wanted to lose that. I was afraid that if I let you go that I’d lose all of you, Trigger.”
“Sadie, your prediction is correct. You would have lost me, because I’ve put my heart on the line for you every single time I’ve laid with you in this bed. I’ve grown so attached to you and Lyla that I don’t know how to act when there is no Trigger, Sadie and Lyla.”
“I’m sorry, Trigger, but this is something I need to do. Lyla needs to get to know her family. I need to be there for my dad. It’s just the way it has to be.”
“Noted.” I growl. I roll out of the bed and search out my clothes.
After I’ve put my shirt over my head, I walk to the door. “I’ve loved you for most of the nine years we’ve been playing cat and mouse. Just thought you should know since in that time the only feeling you have for me is care.” I spit the last word like it’s poisonous before I slam her bedroom
door.
Yet again, I can’t comprehend how two fucking words could make my world stop spinning. I can’t see how someone can be with a person for that many years and not have an ounce of love for them.
Looking back, the only thing I’m good at is making an ass of myself. No longer will I be the naïve, charismatic Trigger who’s always there to make sure everyone else is smiling and laughing.
It’s time that I look out for me. Everyone else in my life has someone at their back, but what do I have? I had a woman who used my love for her to make her feel, but in return all I got was the constant wondering if today was going to be the day only to have that day, week, month and year pass with nothing given in return.
I’ve decided it’s time to do what I want and only worry about me. Fuck everyone else who gets in my way of succeeding in making up for nine years of following a woman like a lovesick teenage boy.
Taking charge of my own wants and needs will be exactly that, mine.
Chapter 1
Razz
Life is like a box of chocolates my ass. Yes, there is variety and yes, some are delectable, but did you forget the nasty ass ones where they think a combination of orange cream and chocolate actually mix.
My life is like a fucked up box of chocolates that ends up with razor blades and drugs to make the perfect combination. You know the messed up shit people do on Halloween and then the parents have to spend hours checking each piece of candy to make sure it’s suitable.
That’s my life.
Everyday I pick up a piece of chocolate and wonder if it’s going to be dark chocolate with caramel in the center or a Reese’s cup with a hallucinogen in the mix.
One minute my lonely little life is filled with bright lights, loud music and the sickening smell of cheap perfume. The next, it’s filled with leather, lingerie and CBT. Don’t know what that is, stick around and you’ll be educated.
I once was a normal little girl with dreams, big dreams. I was going to marry Tanner Burgess, have 2.5 kids and live in the perfect house on the perfect cul-de-sac. Tanner and I grew up together, went to school together and he was my protector. He protected me from the bullies, but he didn’t protect me from him.
He became my tormentor when we were thirteen, the day he was introduced to his cousin’s friend, Sadie. Sadie became his obsession. Every dream I had about him, he had about her. So what does a teenager do when the boy she loves becomes infatuated with someone else? She hides in the shadows and waits. She prays every night before bed that Tanner will notice her tomorrow. She’s available to him when he needs her. She stands at the bus stop and watches as he gives all his affections to the woman of his dreams. She falls back into the shadows as he gets on that bus without even noticing her as he leaves to embark on his new adventure, the Marines.
I wrote him letters for the first two months of his departure, but I never once received a letter back. I dreamt of the day he would come back home on leave and finally notice me. I waited and waited for the boy I grew up with to see the light when all I saw was darkness.
When he came back on his first leave, his father, Rudy held a party at the Southern Chaotic’s clubhouse. I watched as he greeted everyone, but me. I watched as he was stuck like glue to Sadie’s side. I, also, watched the bored expression on her face. I remained in the shadows.
This continued until he returned home for good. Every time he was on leave, I was at his homecoming party, watching and waiting.
You would think a woman like me would have learned that there was no chance in hell that Tanner, now Trigger, would ever see me for the woman I’d become. But, I didn’t until he was everywhere I was but I still remained invisible to him.
Over the years, I learned to bury my heart in concrete and hide my emotions. I found hobbies that took the control from Trigger and gave it back to me even if it was taking someone else’s control.
I waited tables at Trigger’s cousin, Dani’s bar three nights a week and I worked at the Upper Hand a few towns over three nights a week. I worked as a medical transcriptionist during the day.
I’m independent and dependable. Yeah, dependable, but there were only a handful of people in my life that I could rely on while every time I turned around I was bombarded with people who needed me and not in the sense that gave me the warm and fuzzies. It was alwayscan you cover my shift or Razz I’m behind on my rent and I just need a few hundred dollars.
The shit continuously got old and I considered moving out of my hometown and going somewhere I could reinvent myself from the girl everyone used and abused to the woman I knew I was capable of being, but I never did. I guess in my mind I was only good for working my ass off and handing my money over to people that would never pay me back but continuously ask me for more.
So that whole life is like a box of chocolates is shit. Life is like walking through fire and hoping like hell one day the burns and blisters will disappear and leave me unscarred.
***
Today is Monday and I’ve already spent four hours in front of my computer with headphones on my ears as I listen to report after report of people who are either too stupid and end up in the ER because they got their dick pierced and can’t understand that it’s infected after a night of endless fucking only a couple of weeks after it’s been pierced. These are the moments I’m glad I live alone in my loft apartment so no one hears me talking to myself about how fucking ignorant some people can be.
Then you have the reports of the six year old child who has just been diagnosed with an incurable cancer and I want to sit at my desk and cry. It’s unfair for a little life to have to go through that much pain and not enjoy the life that they have in front of them. It’s moments like this that I learn to appreciate the life I’ve been given even though it isn’t what I imagined it would be.
After getting my fill of regret and despair from the reports I typed this morning, I decide to go to the only gym in Cumming, Chaotic Lift. If you haven’t figured it out, it’s owned by the Southern Chaotic’s and is run by Beanie.
Beanie is one of the only men from the MC that I have become close to over the years. He’s a few years older than me and doesn’t take me at face value. He knows most of my secrets because his ass is right there with me for the most part. We share the need to be in control and sometimes I allow him to take control from me.
He’s tall at six-four with broad shoulders and extensive tattoos. He is the epitome of a biker, long dirty blonde hair, trimmed beard and brown eyes that are so dark they could be black if he didn’t have the honey-colored outline around his irises.
If I hadn’t given up on my dream, I would have moved on to him, but we have an understanding. He doesn’t want to commit as much as I don’t want to commit, so we take advantage of each other on occasion, but I know that if I ever needed him, he’d be there for me unlike so many in my life.
As I walk into the gym, I peruse my surroundings hoping for a quiet workout with no interruptions. I walk to the locker room and put my bag into a locker and head to my first destination, the treadmill. I start off slow to warm up and then start to jog.
I am lost to the music in my ears and the ease of my thoughts with each mile I run when I notice the treadmill beside me is in use. I turn my head to the left and almost trip over my own feet. Fuck my life.
Trigger.
He’s in a full run beside me shirtless with sweat beading and dripping over his expansive chest. He’s in freaking athletic shorts that leave nothing to the imagination as they are stuck to his thick thighs and as I bring my eyes from his legs, I get the view of his cock jumping up and down as each of his feet pound on the treadmill.
Yep, my run just ended short. I shake my head to clear my thoughts as I slow down the treadmill and walk for five more minutes. I stop the treadmill and begin to clean it with my towel, he slows down his treadmill. Time to become invisible once again.
Chapter 2
Trigger
It’s been three months since Sadie up and left. At fi
rst, I was angry and couldn’t find anything to calm me down but a bottle. The bottle helped numb my mind, but it did nothing to take the ache in my chest away.
Most of my brothers enjoyed the drunk and rowdy Trigger. We partied and I fucked whatever club whore was willing to take me on. Even the fucking was only a temporary fix. I went to bed each night or early morning smelling of whiskey and pussy and woke up disgusted with myself.
I was never this person. I was the lover, the joker, the man who was on top of the world because he thought he had it all. I guess the joke was finally on me.
She never reached out to me, but I knew she was fine in Louisiana per the conversations she had with Dani, which became another knife in my heart. I’d spent so many years with her and she didn’t have the decency to keep in touch with me. She left and dropped me. I was a means to an end, apparently. Wish I’d known that years ago so my path would have swerved a little instead of crashing into a tree head on.
Now, I work as a bouncer at Dani’s a couple nights a week and at my Dad’s shop during the day. On my downtime, I workout like it’s nobody’s business and drink myself to sleep every night. I gave up on the pussy because all it did was made me miss Sadie’s. Yeah most of you think pussy is pussy, but when you’ve had amazing pussy, available loose pussy won’t do. I resorted to jacking off in the shower to the old images of my nights spent with Sadie.
It’s sad when your dick doesn’t even react to a hot piece of ass on the treadmill beside you. I noticed her in her black sports bra and tiny black shorts with her dark hair pulled high on her head in a messy bun, but as soon as I turned on the treadmill my focus became running as fast as I could to escape the images of Sadie and the life I wanted with her.
