Song of My Heart

by Kim Vogel Sawyer

  © 2012 by Kim Vogel Sawyer

  Published by Bethany House Publishers

  11400 Hampshire Avenue South

  Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

  www.bethanyhouse.com

  Bethany House Publishers is a division of

  Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan

  www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

  Ebook edition created 2011

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in published reviews.

  ISBN 978-1-4412-6995-9

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

  Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of the Bible.

  Cover design by Lookout Design, Inc.

  Cover photography by Mike Habermann Photography, LLC

  For Kristian,

  my little songbird.

  May your songs always proclaim

  the faithfulness of the Lord.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  1 2 3 4 5

  6 7 8 9 10

  11 12 13 14 15

  16 17 18 19 20

  21 22 23 24 25

  26 27 28 29 30

  31 32 33 34 35

  36 37 38

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Books by Kim Vogel Sawyer

  Back Ad

  Back Cover

  “I will sing of the mercies of the Lord for ever:

  with my mouth will I make known thy

  faithfulness to all generations.”

  Psalm 89:1 (KJV)

  1

  Dalton, Indiana

  Mid-May 1895

  Sadie Wagner let out a squeal of delight. A tufted titmouse shot from the budding bush nearby with an indignant flutter of gray-feathered wings. On an ordinary afternoon, Sadie would regret frightening away a bird that offered such an enchanting melody, but today she was too excited to pause for regret. Gathering her tattered calico skirts in one hand, she clutched the letter from her cousin Sid in the other and dashed for the house.

  Bursting through the door, left open to allow in the sweet breath of spring, she cried, “Mama! Mama!”

  Her younger sister, Effie, turned from the dry sink, a dripping cloth in her hand. Her brown eyes widened in concern. “What is it, Sadie?”

  Sadie waved the letter. “Good news! Come!” Catching Effie’s wet hand, she tugged her sister through the doorway to Mama and Papa’s small bedroom. Their feet beat a staccato rhythm on the pine floorboards, matching the rapid tempo of Sadie’s pulse. She released Effie and fell on her knees beside Papa’s bed. As always, the sight of his drawn, pain-riddled face raised an ache in the center of her chest. But surely the opportunity presented in the letter would ease some of Papa’s burden.

  Mama, seated on a chair beside Papa’s bed with a half-empty bowl of potato-and-onion soup in her hands, sent Sadie a troubled look. The lines of worry etched into Mama’s brow had aged her. She set the bowl aside and touched Sadie’s heaving shoulder. “Goodness, child, why are you in such a dither?”

  A gleeful giggle spilled from Sadie’s throat. She held out the letter, showing it to both of her parents. “Look! From Sid. Remember he promised to write once he got settled in Kansas? He’s there now . . . all settled in . . . and—” She paused to catch her breath. The dash across the yard had winded her more than she’d realized.

  Effie danced in place, wringing her hands. “What does he say, Sadie?”

  “He says there is a job for me in Goldtree!”

  Mama’s jaw dropped. Papa sucked in a sharp breath. Effie clapped both hands over her mouth and stared at Sadie with shocked eyes.

  Sadie’s confused gaze bounced from one family member to another. Why did they appear distraught rather than elated? Didn’t they—like she—see Sid’s letter as an answer to their prayers? For weeks they’d been asking God to provide a job for Sadie. She waited for someone to say something, but they sat in stunned silence.

  Sadie released a huff of frustration. “Didn’t you hear what I said? A job!” She flipped the letter around and smiled at her cousin’s scribbled text. “As a clerk in Baxters’ Mercantile. For”—she squinted, trying to decipher Sid’s penmanship—“sisters Melva and Shelva Baxter.” She smiled at her mother. “Honest work, Mama.” Unlike the only jobs available in Dalton. “With a fair wage.”

  Mama still didn’t respond, so Sadie turned her attention to Papa. “Sid says the owners wanted to employ a young woman since they are woman proprietors. They’ll provide me with a room and meals in addition to a monthly salary, so I’ll be able to send nearly every penny back to you.” She deliberately avoided mentioning the other part of Sid’s letter—the part that made her heart twist in eager desire. Pointing it out could seem selfish. “God answered my prayers, don’t you see?” All of them . . .

  Tears flooded Mama’s eyes. She blinked them away and reached for the letter. “But in Kansas, Sadie? It’s so far away.”

  In her excitement, Sadie hadn’t considered the distance. Her elation faltered. But then she squared her shoulders. “It won’t be forever. Only until Papa recovers from the accident and can work again.” No matter what the doctor said, Papa would get better someday. She took Mama’s hand and spoke softly, soothingly, the way she’d comfort one of her little brothers if he awakened from a bad dream. “There’s nothing here in Dalton, Mama. And somebody has to work. . . .”

  Mama worried her lower lip between her teeth. Sympathy swelled in Sadie’s breast. Mama wanted so much to take care of everyone—Papa, the children, the house. She knew Mama wanted to be the one to meet the needs of their large family. But cleaning houses—the only decent job available for a woman her age—couldn’t bring in enough money. If both Mama and Sadie could do housecleaning, then perhaps there’d be enough, but someone had to see to Papa and the younger children. This job in Kansas would solve all their problems, if only Mama and Papa would let her go.

  Papa cleared his throat. He lifted a thin, vein-lined hand and plucked the letter from Mama’s lap. “Sadie-girl, you and Effie leave your mama an’ me alone. We need to talk this out.”

  Sadie started to ask to be included in the discussion, but Papa’s brown eyes, faded from their weeks of pain and worry, begged her not to argue. She wouldn’t grieve the dear man. With a nod, she pushed to her feet. “Of course, Papa.” She gave his grizzled cheek a kiss, took up the discarded bowl and spoon, and ushered Effie back to the front room of the house.

  “Close the door,” Mama called after them.

  Effie clicked it closed, then whirled on Sadie. “Whaddaya think they’ll say? Will they let you go, do you think?” Her whisper quavered with excitement.

  Sadie moved to the dry sink and resumed the task Effie had abandoned. The wash water had turned cool during their time away, but only a few dishes remained. She chose not to waste their precious coal supply to heat more water. Scrubbing hard at Papa’s bowl, she replied, “I don’t see how they can refuse. Somebody has to provide for the family, and as the oldest, it makes sense for me to be the one.”

  Effie’s lips formed a pout. “I could help, too, y’know. I’m thirteen already.”

  “You won’t be thirteen for four more months,” Sadie said, “and you’re still a schoolgirl.”

  “But summer’s comin’.” Effie tossed her head, making her brown braids flop. “Only two more wee
ks, an’ I’ll be home all day. Least I could help during the summer.”

  “Just what kind of job do you think you’d find?” Sadie hadn’t meant to snap, but she couldn’t encourage Effie to consider taking a job. Her sister wanted to grow up too fast. Childhood was precious—Effie shouldn’t wish it away. Sadie softened her tone. “Besides, you’ll have a job. Mama will need you here to help with the boys.”

  The four dark-haired stairsteps—Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John—had always kept Mama hopping. Now that Papa lay confined to his bed, needing almost constant care, responsibility for the boys often fell to Sadie and Effie.

  Effie sighed and scuffed to Sadie’s side. She picked up a length of toweling, but instead of drying dishes she swished the bleached cloth against her skirt. “I get tired of doing housework an’ chasing our brothers.” Effie’s tone picked up a hint of defiance. “Sometimes I can’t wait ’til I’m all grown up an’ I can just do what I want to ’stead of cooking an’ cleaning an’ tending the boys.”

  Sadie raised one eyebrow. “I don’t know of any woman who just does as she pleases.” Sadie, at twenty-two, was considered a woman, but she still hadn’t found the freedom to do what she wanted most.

  Effie tipped her head and sent Sadie a pensive look. “Do you really want to work in a mercantile?”

  Sadie pinched her lips closed. If she were honest, working in a mercantile held little appeal. But after everything Papa had done for her—giving her a secure home, loving her as his own—she wouldn’t let him down now that he needed her. “It’s honest work. I don’t mind it.”

  “If you were a boy,” Effie mused, “you could just work in the mines, like Papa did. Then you wouldn’t have to go away.”

  “God didn’t make me a boy,” Sadie replied, pushing aside a brief pinch of regret. Papa loved her—she knew that without a doubt, even though she wasn’t a boy and wasn’t really his—but if she were a boy, she’d have endless job possibilities. Then she could provide for the family and relieve everyone’s worry.

  She plopped the clean bowl into Effie’s hands. “Put that dish towel to work.” Reaching for the spoons, she added, “Anyway, you know Papa’s always said he wanted better than the mines for his children. He has dreams of college for Matt, Mark, Luke, and John. So even if I was a boy, he wouldn’t want me to—”

  “Sadie?” Mama’s voice carried from behind the closed bedroom door.

  Effie grasped Sadie’s arm. “Reckon they’ve decided already?”

  Sadie gently disengaged Effie’s hold and then dried her hands on her apron. Her heart thudded hard against her ribs, both eager and apprehensive. “I guess I’ll find out.”

  Effie gulped. She wadded the toweling in her hands. “Should I come, too?”

  Sadie hid her smile. Effie hated to be left out of anything. “Mama only called for me.” She took Effie’s shoulder and turned her toward the front door. “Go check on the boys—see how much of that ground they’ve readied for Mama’s garden seeds.” If she knew her brothers, they’d done more playing than working, yet she couldn’t drum up even a smidgen of criticism. She adored the entire freckle-faced lot.

  Effie’s face puckered in disappointment.

  Sadie gave one of her sister’s dark braids a light tug. “If the folks want you, I’ll give a holler.” She waited until Effie skittered out the door, then hurried to her parents’ bedroom. Forcing herself to stay calm, she offered a quick prayer. God, I want Your will most of all, so if they say no, let me accept it. But even as the plea silently rose, she realized the depth of her longing to travel to Kansas. To take the job. And fulfill the dream that resided within her heart.

  She opened the door and stepped in. Twining her fingers together, she searched her parents’ faces. Their burden-weary expressions offered no hint of what they had decided. Mama pointed silently to the foot of the bed, and Sadie quickly sat.

  “Sadie-girl . . .”

  Tears immediately sprang into Sadie’s eyes at the sound of Papa’s weak, raspy voice so different from the boisterous, booming voice he’d had before the tunnel collapse that had nearly killed him.

  “The idea of lettin’ you go so far away is a mighty tough thing.” Papa heaved a huge sigh. Mama dabbed at her eyes, and Papa took her hand before continuing. “But after reading the letter an’ praying together, we think—”

  Sadie held her breath.

  “—this job is a true answer to prayer.”

  “Y-you mean, you’re giving me permission to go?” Sadie hardly dared believe it.

  Papa closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, the love shining in the velvety depths sent Sadie scuttling around the iron footboard to perch at his hip, where she could clasp his hand. He said, “We’re giving permission . . . an’ thanking you for being so willing to help your family.” He grimaced. “I hate being so beholden . . .”

  Sadie lifted Papa’s hand to her lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “It’s not your fault, Papa. Don’t blame yourself.”

  “Man oughtta provide for his own.” He sucked in a big breath and blew it out. “Soon as I’m up again, we won’t need you working to support us. You’ll be able to keep your earnings. But for now, we’re thankful you’re willing to help, an’ thankful there’s a job available.”

  Sadie shook her head, still reeling. She was going to Kansas! She’d earn a wage that would help her family. And—her heart tried to wing its way right out of her chest—she’d finally be able to satisfy her desire to sing on a stage. Caught up in her thoughts, she almost missed Mama’s quiet voice.

  “You’re a woman now—time to be stepping into your own life.”

  Sadie met Mama’s gaze. Tears glittered in her mother’s eyes, and even though her lips quivered, she offered a tender smile.

  “You’ve got a gift, Sadie. It’s time to share it.” Mama lifted the letter and pointed to the final paragraph—the one Sadie had tried to ignore to protect herself in case they said no. “When your papa and I saw this . . .” She read Sid’s message aloud. “ ‘There’s a new opera house opening right here in Goldtree. Man in charge is looking for a singer. I told him about you and how good you are. He wants to talk to you about performing.’ ”

  Sadie thrilled at Sid’s confidence in her abilities. Hadn’t Mama and Papa always told her she had the voice of a songbird? They’d encouraged her to use her talent, too, claiming God never wanted any of His children to waste their gifts.

  Mama lowered the letter. “We can’t be selfish with you, holding you here just because it makes us sad to be apart. A job and the chance to sing. God’s opening a door, and we want you to march right on through it.”

  Sadie bustled around the bed and launched herself into Mama’s arms. Clinging to her mother’s neck, she whispered, “I’ll make you proud, Mama.” Shifting her face, she beamed at Papa. “You too.” Memories welled up and spilled over—of this man welcoming her into his heart, always treating her as his own child even after he and Mama had a brood of their own. “I’ll remember everything you taught me, Papa. I’ll work hard for my employer. I’ll read my Bible every day and pray.” She swallowed the lump that filled her throat. “And I’ll do my best to reflect Jesus, the same way you always do.”

  Papa stretched out his hand, and Sadie clasped it. She kept her other arm wrapped around Mama, joining the three of them. Papa smiled—a sad, wistful smile. “You’ve always made me proud, Sadie-girl.” He squeezed her hand. “Now close your eyes. I want to pray.”

  Sadie bowed her head and closed her eyes for prayer, just as she’d done thousands of times before. She listened while Papa thanked God for His provision and asked Him to keep Sadie safe from harm during travel. While he prayed, warmth surrounded Sadie, a feeling of security and peace. How she’d miss her papa when she went away.

  Tears stung behind her nose, and she sniffed. The opportunities waiting in Goldtree were an answer to prayer, but for the first time Sadie considered how hard it would be to walk away from her little house in
Dalton and the dear ones residing beneath its cedar-shake roof.

  2

  Goldtree, Kansas

  Late May 1895

  Thaddeus McKane slipped the latch into place, securing the wagon hatch, and then gave the wood a solid whack. “That’s it, Sid. Thanks.”

  The young man on the wagon’s high seat touched the brim of his hat in reply and then slapped down the reins onto the horses’ tawny rumps. With a creaking of wheels, the wagon rolled away, leaving Thad in the middle of the dusty street beside his pile of belongings. A meager pile, he noted. For a man of twenty-eight years, he sure didn’t have much to call his own. But it did make moving from place to place a heap easier. But I wouldn’t be upset, God, if You finally saw fit to let me settle somewhere.

  He squinted up and down the street, taking in his new place of residence. Businesses were scarce, especially when compared to Kansas City, but he couldn’t help but admire the neat appearance of every building. Whitewashed clapboard siding beamed in the afternoon sun, with splashes of green, yellow, red, and blue gingerbread trim giving the buildings a festive appearance. Folks obviously took pride in their town. Thad liked that.

  A tired old nag clopped toward him, pulling a ramshackle buckboard. Thad grabbed the handle of his threadbare carpet bag and swung it out of the way of the buckboard’s wheels. The man on the seat stared at Thad, his somber expression curious but not unfriendly. Thad tipped his brand-new Stetson. The man gave a hesitant nod, then turned his focus forward.

  Thad chuckled. Mr. Hanaman had warned him folks might take their time warming up to him, and it appeared he’d been right. But Thad wouldn’t complain. He’d just do what his Bible instructed—treat them the way he wanted to be treated—and they’d come around.

  He returned his attention to the town, seeking the bank building. The letter from the town’s mayor had instructed him to go directly to the bank upon his arrival in Goldtree—but not be too obvious about it. Thad had puzzled over the strange warning, but never one to disregard a direction, he’d instructed the young man who’d delivered him to town to let him off near the mercantile rather than the bank. He’d understand Hanaman’s reasons soon enough.