Butterfly Arising

by Landis Lain

  “Breathe slowly,” said Suleiman, suddenly there, rubbing her back. Sasha could hear Ricky protest loudly at being left in the car.

  “You okay?”

  Sasha nodded. Her skin felt clammy, but she could breathe more easily. She straightened, taking deep, calming breaths.

  Suleiman eyed her carefully, then he walked back to the car, unstrapped Ricky and lifted him out of the car seat and set him

  on his small feet. The baby toddled around holding onto Suleiman’s pants leg.

  “Did you kill him?” Sasha asked, watching Suleiman play with Ricky.

  “That fool?” Suleiman snorted. “Nope. Choked him out, though. It’s a fighting hold used to kill or incapacitate so we don’t much use it in practice. He will have a massive headache when he wakes up, but he is not dead.”

  Sasha put her hand to her forehead, light headed with relief.

  “I thought you killed him.”

  “I need to call the police and report this,” said Suleiman.

  “No police,” said Sasha.

  “Babe,” said Suleiman, picking the baby up and walking to stand in front of her. He took her hand and led her back towards the car.

  “A bunch of people saw us at the mall. That fool had a gun. I got us out of imminent danger, but we have to report it because somebody else is going to.”

  “But he might hurt you,” protested Sasha. “Or me or Ricky. I’ve seen what they do to people who cross them.”

  Suleiman swore and pulled her close with his free arm. Sasha burrowed into his chest, seeking warmth.

  “I was so scared.”

  “You have an option.” Suleiman’s deep voice rumbled in his chest.

  “What?”

  “Either you let me call the police,” said Suleiman, in a mild conversational tone. “Or I go hunt that pretty boy thug down and waste him for putting his hands on you and the baby. Every single one of those jokers will be in my gun sights. The marines made certain I knew how to use one. Enough is enough.” She felt his muscles tense.

  Sasha leaned back to see his face. Suleiman’s eyes were narrowed to slits and his nostrils flared; he looked deadly serious. The look in his eyes terrified her.

  “No wasting,” she said, stepping back.

  “This is the third time since I’ve known you that this joker has approached you, called you or tried to hurt you,” said Suleiman, warrior’s rage bubbling with each word. “He’s had his three strikes.”

  Sasha shook her head. “No, before, it was K Smooth, the one I hit. He was the one who bruised my wrist. But Craig put him up to it.”

  Suleiman’s smile was feral. “That knee to the man parts made me wince. Grasshopper, you kicked that dude’s nuts up around his shoulders.”

  “Only because I caught him off guard,” said Sasha. “I was so freaked out. I got lucky.”

  “You had good training,” countered Suleiman. “The biting thing, though. Practice makes excellent.”

  Sasha frowned.

  “He put his hands on my baby.”

  “Who is Ray Ray?” asked Suleiman, quietly. Sasha froze. “Who is T Bone? Or D Money?”

  Sasha looked at him with pleading eyes.

  “I cannot say. Please…”

  “Some more of those freaks,” he concluded. He took the cell phone from his pocket.

  “I’ll call the police and report it,” said Suleiman. “The story usually comes down to who told it first and who told it best. I’m a decorated Marine. You’re a beautiful young mother, struggling through school. They are hoodlums. Who do you think the police will believe?”

  “We got away,” protested Sasha.

  “And D Dog’s boys, they will be looking for us,” said Suleiman, still looking furious. “It has not escaped my notice that the few times you’ve gone someplace public that was not on campus are the few times that your boy has felt free to accost you or have somebody else do it. They are either watching you or have some sort of surveillance on your phone.”

  Sasha was stunned. “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh,” said Suleiman. “And if they have something like that we need to find out what it is.

  Sasha said nothing.

  “Babe, we have to report this, or the police will be looking for us, too. If something jumps off later, it will be self-defense. But if we don’t report it, the police won’t even listen to our side of the story. If you choose not to press charges, that’s up to you. The next time they might hurt Ricky. Or you. Or worse.”

  “Okay,” said Sasha, hugging the baby. “But just to report what happened.” Suleiman opened his mouth, gave her a long look, and shut his mouth.

  She held the baby while he punched the numbers into the phone.

  ***

  Sasha and Suleiman were sitting on her couch, watching television later that evening. He had talked to the police with her. The police officers had viewed the mall video and were seeking charges against Craig and K Smooth as both had been carrying illegal weapons when they were apprehended trying to leave the mall. Apparently, D Dog and his boys hung out regularly at the mall and had caused altercations before. They’d already been banned from the malls as a group. Security was always watching for them and waiting to call the police.

  Suleiman had been quietly brooding all evening. Sasha got up to make more popcorn.

  “Why did you tell D Dog that I was nobody?” asked Suleiman.

  Sasha looked at him.

  “I didn’t want him to hurt you or Ricky.”

  “I had him in a headlock.”

  “Craig always has a gun,” said Sasha. “And he had the baby. It just popped into my mind, so I said it. I didn’t want him coming after you, too.”

  She turned to punch the start button on the microwave. It started humming and the scent of popcorn filled the small room.

  “Okay.”

  “Did you think I meant that?” Sasha faced Suleiman, wide eyed with distress.

  “You said it,” Suleiman’s eyes were shadowed.

  “I would have said anything to get my baby away from him,” said Sasha, holding her hands out in supplication. “But I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You are my friend. You know that.”

  Suleiman rubbed one big hand over his face and blew out a loud breath. “It’s just that…”

  “What?”

  He looked embarrassed.

  “Forget it.”

  “Oh, no, playa,” said Sasha, jamming her fists on her hips. “You’re always trying to get me to talk. Spill it, dude.”

  “You showed me a picture of Damon,” he said, shamefaced. He looked away. “Now, I’ve seen Dragon dog. You like pretty boys. I’m not.”

  The microwave bell pinged. Sasha opened the door, to reopen the bag, poured popcorn into a large bowl and turned slowly to face Suleiman.

  “Not what?”

  “A pretty boy,” he mumbled. “So now I know.”

  He sounded uncertain, wounded. Sasha’s heart ached with sudden shame. She had been taking and taking from Suleiman, and he’d never given her anything but love and kindness. She walked over to the couch and held out the popcorn bowl. He glanced up and took it from her.

  She leaned into him and kissed his cheek.

  “Can you look at me?” She straightened.

  He met her eyes, wary.

  “You are not a pretty boy,” she said, firmly.

  He winced when she reached her hand toward his face.

  “Pretty boys, they think…” She stopped and searched for words. She bit her lip and then continued.

  “They think that I owe them me. And I don’t,” said Sasha. “You’re always holding me up. I’m sorry I said that.”

  “S’okay.” He looked down at the popcorn.

  “No, it’s not,” said Sasha, shaking her head. “Look at me, please.” Suleiman met her eyes.

  “Lucky for you,” she said leaning in close. “I do not like pretty boys anymore.”

  A glimmer of a smile crossed his lips.

 
“No?”

  “Nope.”

  She took a deep breath.

  “You are strong, and handsome,” explained Sasha. “My hero. And I love you for it.”

  Hope blossomed in his dark eyes.

  “I love you back.”

  “I know.”

  She leaned closer and gave him a long hug. He tugged her down onto the couch and then snuggled her against his chest to finish watching TV. She listened to his heart beat for a while.

  “Suleiman?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Would you really sneak up behind Craig and his boys?” asked Sasha.

  He snorted. She sat up and glanced up at his face.

  Suleiman rolled his eyes.

  “Uh, yeah,” he said.

  “You are not sneaky.”

  “In battle there is no such thing as a fair fight,” he said, in his instructor voice. “My old teachers taught me that.”

  “What does that mean?” asked Sasha.

  “I took Martial Arts training from this old dude, retired military,” said Suleiman. “He served in Vietnam with my granddad. And I was all about honorable fighting. You know, man to man, no sneaking, all that fair play stuff they teach you in school. But Sgt. Burch, he was all, fool, you’re crazy. If you get the jump on the enemy, you better take your shot because he is going to take his. He said that was how he survived six combat tours.”

  “That sounds so horrible,” said Sasha.

  “Yeah,” said Suleiman. “He used to kick my butt when we fought. I mean take me down. Half the time after I sparred with him I would need to take a couple of aspirin, I’d be in so much pain. With Sgt. Burch, it was always real, you know? One time at the dojo, I got the best of him and turned my back to go to my corner. I was cocky and celebrating. Next thing I know I’m face down on the mat. He jumped me from behind.”

  “Why?”

  “Dude said, ‘rule number one in battle, you don’t leave an enemy standing’,” said Suleiman. “Rule number two, old age and treachery beats dying young with honor all day long. Heaven might be waiting but you gotta die to get there.”

  “That’s a horrible way to live.” Sasha shuddered.

  He handed her the popcorn bowl.

  “Yeah,” said Suleiman. “It is. That’s the reality of life. There is no fair fight. That’s why I got out of the military. Because it’s all about survival. The last man standing writes the victory story and he ain’t gonna admit to treachery.”

  “Sounds ugly.”

  “I was happy to serve my country,” murmured Suleiman. Honored, even. But, I wanted to play soldier; not be a killer. I couldn’t live like that. Not and survive mentally.”

  “I’m glad you are honorable and fair.”

  “Don’t get it twisted though, babe,” said Suleiman. He tossed a kernel of popcorn up to catch it in his mouth.

  “What?”

  He swallowed and met Sasha’s eyes squarely.

  “I might feel ashamed later; but for you and Ricky, to keep you safe, I’d walk up on those jokers, full frontal assault in broad daylight.”

  Sasha was stunned. She raised her head from his chest and met his eyes.

  “You would?”

  The warrior nodded. “With extreme prejudice.”

  EXPOSED

  April 28,

  Suleiman told me that the coward sometimes runs to run another day. He meant if you’re outnumbered, then you should get away; like when we ran from the Death Lords at the mall. That’s not how it hits me, though. Like a coward, I run but fear keeps catching me. I’m afraid to hope so the fear consumes me. I run until there is no place to go. But, maybe courage is not the absence of fear. It’s being so scared that I want to pee my pants or hide in the closet, but I do what I have do to keep the demon of despair away even though my world might end in the next moment. I don’t want to be a coward anymore. So, I hope...

  “I want you to read this,” said Sasha.

  She stood over Suleiman as he lounged on the couch with Ricky on his chest. The toddler was sprawled in the boneless abandon of a beloved child, one plump thumb hanging out of his mouth. Suleiman eyed the journal in her hand as though it was a snake that might jump out of her hand and bite him.

  “Sasha,” he murmured, “This is not necessary.” He rubbed Ricky’s tiny back with a big hand.

  “Yes,” she said. “It is time I came clean.”

  “You are clean. Mmmm. You smell good, like a baby,” he said, breathing in deeply. He took the book from her and set it on the couch beside him.

  “I used Ricky’s stuff in the shower,” she said. “I’m out of soap so I couldn’t use my lotion.”

  “What does soap have to do with lotion?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “The lotions don’t match the soap. I use unscented soap, so they don’t clash. I figured that I could run to the store before he wakes up and get some more soap, if you don’t mind sticking around for a few minutes. I can shop for you if you need something…”

  He held up a hand. “You are babbling,” said Suleiman. He adjusted the baby and then sat up slowly. “This conversation has nothing to do with that book.”

  “It does for me,” she said. “I want you to know what happened. If you don’t know about my past, you won’t know me, and I’ll never feel honest.”

  “Okay,” he said. He took the journal. “I’ll read it later, when I get home.”

  AFFIRMED

  April 30,

  A new diary for new truth. I’ve wanted to tell the truth, but for a long time I didn’t know what it was. So, I lied even if it wasn’t with words. I kept telling myself that I was okay, that I felt normal and if I kept saying it then I would be fine. I wasn’t. I told some of my truth at the waterfall. But, not all of it…

  “Can I tell you something?” asked Sasha. “You won’t judge me?”

  “You can tell me anything,” said Dr. Michelle. “I won’t judge.”

  “How can you not judge?” asked Sasha.

  “That’s not my job,” said Dr. Michelle. She pointed up to the ceiling.

  “Judgment business, God.”

  She pointed to herself.

  “Healing business, Michelle.”

  Today she was dressed in a yellow and cobalt blue floral A-line dress with a flared skirt covered by a yellow shrug. Her yellow and blue jewelry was chunky and suited her perfectly. She had on cobalt blue peep toe heels. Sasha felt like a slob in her usual uniform of jeans, sheep skin boots and MSU sweatshirt, but it was cold, dreary and wet. Hauling Ricky around in makeup, high heels and a skirt was not happening.

  Besides, she didn’t want anybody to get ideas. It was safer this way.

  Sasha cocked her head to the side.

  “So, how’ve you been?” asked Dr. Michelle.

  “Truth or lie?” asked Sasha.

  “Truth is better,” said Dr. Michelle, dryly. “That way you don’t have to remember what lies you told.”

  “Just trying to get through the day,” said Sasha.

  Dr. Michelle frowned. “You’re having a problem getting through the day?”

  “Yeah.” Sasha held up a hand.

  “I’m not gonna kill myself or anything like that.”

  “What does it mean, then?”

  “I’m a little overwhelmed,” said Sasha, counting on her fingers to emphasize her points. “I gotta start studying for finals. Take care of Ricky. Go to work at the daycare and deal with the other little kids. One of the aides, Sherry, she slipped on some grape juice and broke her ankle, so we are short staffed. Work was crazy busy this week, everybody wanted to do the drop off thing and a bunch of kids got some cootie that they are trying to spread around. Ugh. Sometimes, it gets to be too much, you know?”

  Dr. Michelle chuckled. “Whew! It does sound exhausting.”

  “I’m only twenty and I’m tired,” said Sasha. She shook her head.

  “No, I’m weary. My body is only tired, but my soul, it feels weary, you know?”

  Dr. Mi
chelle nodded and looked sympathetic. “That can happen when you carry around a lot of burdens. You’ve got to put them down, rest sometimes. Even God rested, right?”

  “Sometimes,” confessed Sasha, shamefaced. I don’t even know if I believe in God. I feel like a hypocrite even going into a church, like I’m too dirty to be there.”

  “We’ve talked about this,” said Dr. Michelle. “Remember, no matter what-”

  “God can take it,” said Sasha.

  “It’s still hard to get through the day, sometimes.”

  “Sometimes, that’s all you can ask for.”

  “I want to fix my life,” said Sasha.

  “Life is difficult sometimes,” said Dr. Michelle. “The trick is to get through it one moment at a time, you know? Sometimes a moment is perfect. You just sit there and enjoy the perfect moment and thank heaven for it.”

  “Does that work for you?” asked Sasha. She lifted her thumb to bite the nail, figured out that it was already bitten and dropped her hand back to her lap.

  “Girl, yes,” said Dr. Michelle, waving one hand. “Sometimes life happens; I get frustrated and I eat a whole box of cookies. Then I feel like a failure.”

  “Then what?”

  “I call my best friend,” said Dr. Michelle. “And she yells at me. Tells me that failure and cookies are two different things; that’s why we call them by two different names. She tells me that I’m beautiful no matter what. ‘Yes,’ she admits ‘I am slightly fat’, which ticks me straight off, by the way, ‘but that just means I’m not healthy and to get my beautiful butt back in the gym.’ Then I stomp to the gym and get on the treadmill. Two hours later, when I finish cursing her name, I realize that I’ve burned off nine hundred calories. That moment is perfect.”

  They both laughed.

  “I haven’t talked to my best friend in a long time,” said Sasha. Thinking about Gabby made her sad.

  “Are you sure?” asked Dr. Michelle.

  Sasha looked at her, puzzled. Dr. Michelle hesitated, then changed directions.

  “Why don’t you talk to Gabby?”

  “She might not want to talk to me,” said Sasha. “I’ve been blowing her off for more than a year.”