Little Bits of Sky

by S. E. Durrant

  “Where’s Dash?” I said.

  “Silas helped me bury her under the willow,” Martha said. “When you come back you can take her some flowers.”

  “Will we come back?” I said.

  In my head I was sort of screaming but on the outside my voice was really small and trembling.

  “Yes,” Martha said.

  “Zac too?”

  “Of course.”

  And now I feel like jumping. Not jumping like everything’s fine again, but jumping because I’m alive and I want to be alive tomorrow too.

  That’s what Silas meant by “give things time”.

  Zac told me what happened. He said he’s never going to talk about it again so I’d better listen.

  When me and Martha were looking at the brushes he said he and Dash went to look at the coaches. He didn’t exactly think he’d get on one, he just wanted to get closer. The first coach set off when Dash dropped her chewy bone and he was looking for it but then he got in the queue for the second coach, just to see what it felt like to be queuing to go to the march. He stood next to an old woman and she was stroking Dash and making a fuss of her so when she got on the coach Zac got on too and sat next to her. Nobody asked for money or anything.

  The woman said, “Don’t you want to sit with your mum?” and Zac said, “No, she’s got the baby and the baby frightens Dash.”

  The words just popped out, like someone else had said them.

  Then the woman said, “Well, all the better for me then,” and she got out a paper bag and said, “Here, have a mint.” Dash put her nose in the bag and the woman said, “Bit of an outing for him too,” and Zac said, “She’s a girl.”

  The woman talked the whole journey and shared her chicken sandwiches. Zac had the bread and Dash had the chicken. She said, “You’re a very little boy to be going to London,” and Zac said, “I’ve been there before.”

  When they got to London Zac said, “Thank you very much for the sandwiches,” and the woman said, “Lovely to meet you,” and Zac and Dash jumped off the coach and ran into the crowd.

  Everyone was going to Trafalgar Square so he just followed them and looked all around for Mum but he couldn’t see her anywhere. The women were all too old or too young or their hair wasn’t curly or their faces were wrong.

  At Trafalgar Square the crowd was really big and noisy and people were pushing and Dash got frightened and was barking. Zac tried to tell her it was OK but then the crowd moved like a big wave and Zac nearly fell over and then Dash wasn’t barking any more. She was lying on the ground and people were standing on her. They didn’t even know she was there. He shouted but no one heard.

  Then he picked Dash up and carried her away from Trafalgar Square. She was really floppy and blood was coming out of her ears but he kept walking and telling her it was all going to be OK. When he got to a doorway he sat down and put her on his lap but she wasn’t moving. He kept wishing I would come but he didn’t call my name. He didn’t make a single sound. And when he realised Dash was dead he wished he was dead too and he still does.

  Silas might have to go to prison because he won’t pay the poll tax. He didn’t even wait for the poll tax people to ask for the money. He just wrote and said he wasn’t paying because he thinks it costs too much and it isn’t fair. Me and Zac were in the kitchen when he told Hortense.

  I said, “Will they send you to jail?”

  “It’s not likely they’ll put me in jail,” he said. “There are a lot of people not paying. The jails aren’t big enough for all of them.”

  Hortense was sitting at the table with her hands round a mug of tea. When Silas went out into the garden she said, “Bloody man.” I was so surprised. I never heard her swear before.

  “He just has to go that much further than anyone else, doesn’t he?” she said.

  “That’s because he likes travelling,” said Zac.

  It was the first time since the march that Hortense smiled. Zac didn’t smile though.

  We came back to Martha’s today. At first Zac refused to get off the train. He screwed his eyes shut and wouldn’t move. It was like he was stuck to his seat. Mrs Clanks put her face close to his and said, “I’m not putting up with any nonsense from you, Zac, so get up.”

  Martha was waiting on the platform. When she saw us she ran towards us with her arms stretched out. She was wearing a blue dress and her head was bobbing and she was sort of smiling like she didn’t know whether to be happy or not but she thought she should try to be. She looked like a puppet with strings attached to bobbing clouds.

  She didn’t tell us off. She gave us a hug and after she said goodbye to Mrs Clanks she said, “Come along.”

  Zac didn’t speak all the way from London to Appleton House. He hates himself.

  The house is horrible without Dash. All her doggy things are here. Her basket’s next to the kitchen door. It looks like she just got out. The blanket’s all crumpled and you can see a bit of my green dress.

  She’s buried under a little heap of soil under the willow. Me and Zac picked some daisies and put them in a jar next to the soil but it’s so beautiful when you look up into the tree she probably doesn’t need them. Martha said we were saying goodbye.

  Afterwards she put her hand on Zac’s shoulder.

  “You had better forgive yourself,” she said, “or I will never forgive myself for not taking better care of you. A lot of things went wrong that day. You weren’t to know. No one was to know.”

  Zac’s face was all twisted. He looked like he was drowning. Martha knelt down in front of him like she was saying a prayer.

  “Do you understand me, Zac?” she said. “This is where we let it rest. Sometimes things happen that no one could predict and sometimes someone gets hurt. You did everything you could to look after Dash and when she needed you most you didn’t leave her. I trusted you with Dash because you loved her. And I was right to trust you. I would again. It was the world I couldn’t trust.”

  Then Zac began to cry. It was like the water over his eyes was holding back a flood and it burst. Tears poured down his cheeks and dripped on to his shirt. They just kept on coming. He cried all afternoon. He couldn’t stop. Then when he had no tears left he curled up on the sofa and went to sleep.

  Now he’s sitting by the stream.

  Martha was nervous at tea today. I thought she was going to tell us this was our last visit. She drank her tea, filled it up again and then drank the next cup all in one go.

  Then she said, “I wonder if I could make you two a promise but I will need a promise in return.”

  “What sort of promise?” I said.

  She took a deep breath.

  “My promise is that my home will be your home for as long as I am here,” she said, “which I hope will be a very long time indeed. If you would like that, of course.”

  “In the holidays?” I said.

  “Not just the holidays – always.”

  “Forever?”

  “Yes.”

  “Here?”

  “Yes.”

  “To live here in this house?”

  “Yes. You will have to argue over bedrooms.”

  I could hardly breathe. My head was so full of thoughts it was hard to remember to breathe too. I was thinking it doesn’t matter which room I have, Zac can choose, it doesn’t matter if I sleep on the floor or in the garden even.

  “Zac can choose,” I said.

  “Well, they both overlook the garden,” she said.

  “To have our own wardrobe?” Zac said.

  “One each,” said Martha.

  “With a sink in the bedroom?” I said.

  “Yes.”

  Martha was smiling now.

  “And go to school here?”

  “Yes.”

  “And come home for tea?”

  “I think that would be a good idea, don’t you? You’ll be hungry.”

  Me and Zac were nodding.

  “But I need a promise from you if we’re to do this,�
� she said. “I need you to promise that if you come you’ll stay.”

  Of course we’ll stay, I thought. Of course we will.

  “Not go running off back to London, chasing dreams,” Martha went on. “At least not until you’re grown up. I’m too old to run around after you.”

  “Will we see Silas?” I said.

  “Of course,” said Martha. “I’m not going to let you lose him. He’ll visit or we will.”

  “And Hortense?”

  “And Hortense,” she said.

  I looked at Zac. He was staring at Martha. His mouth was wobbling.

  “Can you promise, Zac?” Martha said. “This is a serious promise.”

  He didn’t move. I crossed all my fingers and wished and wished he would promise. For a moment I thought he wouldn’t, that maybe he liked Skilly too much, but then he nodded.

  “Yes,” he said.

  He walked round the table to Martha and put his head on her shoulder. She smiled. “Ira?” she said.

  “Me too,” I gulped. “We both promise.”

  “Right,” Martha said. “That’s settled then.”

  It’s the most impossible of all my dreams. I can’t believe I’m writing about it as if it’s real. But it is real! I have to keep telling myself me and Zac have a family! Martha will be our family. We won’t be Skilly kids any more. We’ll live in a proper home. Me and Zac can’t stop smiling and Martha too.

  Zac’s asleep now and I’ve been looking out of our bedroom window at the stars and garden and the willow. I keep thinking of that day at Trafalgar Square and I wonder how the two moments could even happen in the same world. I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

  Things I won’t miss about Skilly:

  Rules

  Scribbles

  New kids

  Bobbly blankets

  Things I will miss about Skilly:

  Silas

  Hortense

  Skilly kids

  The tree

  The kitchen table

  Glenda

  Even Mrs Clanks

  In my head I told Glenda what’s happened. I didn’t tell her about Dash because I don’t want to think about it any more. I expect she knows anyway. I wonder if she’ll come to Appleton House with us. Maybe she won’t want to leave Skilly.

  We have one week left at Skilly and then we go to Martha’s. It feels so strange. We’ve got to pack and take down our posters and sort things out at school and say goodbye. Hortense keeps giving me extra hugs. She knows there’s not long left so she has to give me as many as she can.

  Silas said, “Just make sure you’re happy, Ira.”

  The other kids look fed up. It’s because when me and Zac go there’s only going to be Sophia and Miles and Milap and Harit and Esther at Skilly and that means lots of new kids will come. And nobody likes it when new kids come. I feel all mixed up happy-sad.

  I haven’t seen Glenda since we came back from Martha’s. I hope she’s not annoyed with me for going. I’m worried she might think I don’t want to be her friend any more but I don’t even know if she’s here. I haven’t seen her anywhere.

  This morning we had to see Mrs Clanks in her office. I wasn’t nervous because she can’t tell us off much longer. But anyway she was nice. She had a silver ribbon in her hair as though it was a special occasion. When we went in she smiled and it looked almost like the smile was real.

  “We will be very sorry to see you go,” she said, “but it is a wonderful opportunity for you. We will keep in touch and if ever you want to come back you will always be welcome. If you’re not happy, I mean.”

  Zac shook his head. He knows he’ll be happy.

  “I expect you won’t want to come back,” Mrs Clanks said, “but you are always welcome to visit. We’d like to know how you get on, and of course Silas and Hortense would love to hear from you.”

  Our Memory Book was on her desk.

  “We mustn’t forget this,” she said. “No doubt you’ll have lots of new things to put in it soon.”

  She put it in a big brown envelope then she signed her name on a letter.

  “Just a few details for Martha,” she said.

  I was watching her sign the letter and thinking how neat and slanted her writing was when I saw she’d written “Glenda Clanks”! My chest went funny and tight like I couldn’t breathe properly. I thought of the girl in the photo with the ribbon sliding down her hair and I looked at Mrs Clanks’s ribbon and I had a thought that seemed impossible.

  “There,” she said. “All done.”

  I didn’t hear anything she said after that. I was just waiting to get out of her office. I didn’t even say thank you when she finished. I just ran out. Zac did too. He wanted to play with Harit.

  I ran straight up to our room and pulled the letters out from under the floorboard and opened the one from Glenda. Then I just stared at it. The writing was really neat and it sloped up, just like Mrs Clanks’s writing, only hers was more grown up.

  I kept walking from one side of the room to the other holding the letters, like a detective trying to work out who did the crime because I was trying to work out something too. I was trying to work out if Glenda became Mrs Clanks. But even though I walked across the room a hundred times I couldn’t make sense of it.

  I thought of putting the letters back and not saying anything but then I thought of Silas saying “Seize the moment” so I took the letters and ran downstairs. As I was running, Glenda was suddenly running beside me. It was like she was keeping me going in case I changed my mind. When I got to Mrs Clanks’s door she sort of pushed me in. I didn’t even knock. I just fell into the room.

  I think Mrs Clanks would have told me off if I wasn’t leaving.

  Instead she said, “Ira, come in.”

  I was shaking.

  “I just wondered …” I said.

  “Yes?”

  “… if you lived at Skilly when you were a child.”

  Mrs Clanks nodded. “I did.”

  I took a deep breath.

  “Were you Glenda Hyacinth?” I said.

  She nodded again.

  I looked at her for ages. I couldn’t work it out. She’s so different from how I think of Glenda.

  “Sit down, Ira,” she said.

  But I didn’t want to sit down. I just stood there holding the letters, trying to understand it all.

  “You wrote your name on the windowsill in my bedroom,” I said at last.

  “That was my bedroom.”

  “But you’re so scary,” I said, “and Glenda isn’t scary at all. She’s my friend.”

  Mrs Clanks said, “Am I scary? I don’t mean to be.”

  I nodded.

  “You know, Ira,” she said, “it’s too hard to love all the children who come to Skilly, all the children who come and go. It was too hard when I was a child and it’s too hard now. I’m sure you know that. My job is to try to make things the best I can for you and if possible find a way for you to leave here and go somewhere happier.”

  “Did you ever get a family?” I said.

  “Yes, in the end. I spent eight years here and then I met Mrs Clanks – my husband’s mother. I worked in her shop. She took me in and then I got to know Albert. He was a boy then, and well, I’ve been lucky.”

  And then she smiled and she didn’t look hard at all. She looked strong.

  “Have you got any children?” I said.

  “No, I decided I wanted to look after children who don’t have families.”

  “Like us?”

  She nodded.

  Then I said, “I found your letter,” and she just stared at me. She was so surprised.

  “I’d forgotten,” she said.

  “I wrote a letter back,” I said. “You can have both. I don’t want to take them away. Will you keep them at Skilly?”

  She nodded.

  I gave her the letters and she put them on her desk. I was a bit embarrassed. My pink envelope looked horrible but she didn’t seem to notice. She wa
lked round to me and put her hands on my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. She smelt of ink and paper.

  “Now things will get better for you,” she said.

  As I was leaving the office I turned round and looked back at her.

  “Why do you still wear a ribbon in your hair?” I said.

  She thought for a moment.

  “Maybe it’s the girl in me,” she said.

  Then she smiled.

  When I got out Glenda wasn’t in the hall any more. I thought she’d be waiting for me but she’d gone. I looked all around but she wasn’t there. I wanted to tell her what happened. She’s the only one who’d understand. If she’d waited I could have told her about her future. But she’s gone and I’ve lost her forever. Because now she’s become Mrs Clanks and Mrs Clanks has become Glenda and I don’t think of either of them the same way any more.

  I remember Mrs Clanks was rude to me when I showed her the photo of Glenda and when she read my story but now I understand. Because maybe thinking about Glenda makes her sad. Zac’s always rude when he’s sad.

  Today we left Skilly. Anita came to get us. Her hair was the colour of candyfloss and she was wearing pink lipstick and a flowery dress. She might have made the dress out of curtains like in The Sound of Music because the flowers were really big. She looked like she should be singing and running over a mountain because she was so happy. Because today was a good day and she didn’t have to pretend.

  When everyone stood outside Skilly and waved us goodbye I had to look away. I couldn’t watch. They were turning to ghosts right in front of my eyes. I felt a huge sob coming up inside of me. It made my chest hurt. Zac looked away too. His face was moving all over the place like jelly wobbling on a plate. He can’t make his mouth flat any more. He can’t hide his emotions at all. One moment he’s sad, then he’s worried, then he’s happy, then he’s sad again.