The Lies of Pride

by Lily Zante

  “It’s not true,” I say, trying to reassure him. I don’t even know why I’m trying to reassure him. This news isn’t true, but he looks crushed.

  “What isn’t true?” Rhys comes up behind Joni and puts his arms around her. “I’m honored you came,” he says.

  “Joni insisted.” I hate his pose, and the way his hands move lower down. I can’t see, because the kitchen island is in the way, but from the way she’s sighing, it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. He drops little kisses along her neck.

  I was about to tell Scott that there’s nothing going on between me and the actor, but I don’t want to say anything in front of Rhys. Why the heck did I come here at all? I hate that I’ve hurt Scott, and I wish Joni would keep her mouth shut. Ever since she found out that I go to deliver Callum’s lunch, she’s been in a pissy mood with me.

  Rhys continues to nibble on Joni’s earlobe, and she continues to sigh. He stops and stares at us. “Aren’t you drinking?” he asks me. I’m the only one not holding anything in my hands.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine. You’re kinda uptight. What say you loosen up a little?”

  “I got her a drink!” Joni says, then giggles. I can only assume that Rhys is doing something to her below the waist that we can’t see.

  “Are you girls staying over?” Rhys asks.

  Staying over? Heck, NO. No way.

  “I can’t. I’m going to have to leave soon.” That was sneaky of Joni, not telling me.

  Rhys doesn’t seem to want to drop the subject. “But you only just got here,”

  “I didn’t know it was an all night party.”

  “Does it matter? You said you’ve been having trouble sleeping,” Joni counters.

  “Why don’t you let your hair down tonight instead of being a goddamn goody two shoes, and going on about your assignments and night school and shit,” Rhys says.

  I look at him. This guy hates me as much as I hate him.

  “Rhys,” Joni says, laughing nervously. “You’re not the one going to night school, and you don’t have to do those assignments. Why are you so worried?” He eyes me with something bordering on contempt. “If I’m worried, it’s because your friend here doesn’t seem to know how to relax.”

  “Oh, I know how to relax,” I say, “But I choose who I want to go to relax with.”

  “Ouch,” I hear Scott say. I haven’t figured out if he is Rhys’s sidekick, or friend. He’s a nice guy, seems decent enough, and I don’t understand why he hangs around with someone as nasty as Rhys. I still don’t understand why Joni is with someone like Rhys. He’s not bad looking—he’s not my type, though I don’t have a type. He’s appealing enough that most women would notice him what with his square jaw, and muscles, and menacing look. Some call it a brooding look. I say he looks threatening.

  A real bad boy. He’s the type of guy someone like Joni goes for. She needs validation from a big, strong guy, she thinks she’s in love because he’s with her.

  I don’t like him, and I can’t hide it.

  Rhys lowers his face onto Joni’s neck. It looks like he’s giving her a hickey. Gross.

  “Get a room,” Scotts growls.

  “Luckily I have one.” Rhys lifts his head and stares directly at me, before reaching for Joni’s hand. “Come on, babe.”

  “Can’t we stay here?” she whines.

  “Upstairs,” he tells her, then drags her off with him. I watch her follow him up the stairs like a lamb to slaughter and my insides hollow out. It’s not even me inside that room this time, but I know what it’s like to feel helpless.

  “Are you seeing that actor guy?” Scott asks.

  “No.” I hate that Scott isn’t letting go of that conversation.

  “What’s Joni on about, then?”

  “Since when does Joni know everything?” I snap. I catch myself quickly. “Look, it’s not like that. He likes our food, and he’s got an arrangement with Frankie to have his lunch delivered to him on the set.”

  “Oh.”

  We stand in silence and listen to everyone else having fun. I look at him, but my mind is on another planet in a faraway galaxy. I don’t hate Scott. But I don’t like him either, not in that way.

  “We should go for a drink sometime,” he says again. “You and me and no one else. What do you say?”

  I try not to groan too loudly, the guy needs an answer, and I might just have to spell it out if he can’t get the hint. “I have too many assignments to do.”

  He laughs a short false laugh. “Surely you can spare me a few hours?”

  My mind wanders to Rhys and Joni being dragged up the stairs. She’s had too much to drink, and she’s not going to know what’s right or wrong, and Rhys isn’t the type of guy to pay attention to what she wants or doesn’t want. I feel sick in my stomach thinking about it. “Yeah,” I say, because Scott is looking at me as if he needs answer.

  “You’re not really here, are you?” he guesses.

  “Not really.”

  “Want another drink? You haven’t touched that.”

  “Lemonade,” I say.

  “Back in a mo.”

  He swerves through the swathe of people, and I take my chance. My head isn’t here in this room full of people making out. Music blasts out from the speakers, but I keep looking at the stairs.

  Joni. With Rhys.

  Panic rolls up my spine.

  I know what it is to be dragged against your will. Only, Joni is a grown woman now. She can say ‘no’. She doesn’t have to pretend with Rhys.

  I go upstairs. There are a few doors on either side of the hallway, and I don’t know which one to try first. The door to the bathroom is wide open and a couple are making out on the toilet seat. I sure hope the seat is down.

  I listen outside the other doors, and I can hear something that sounds like Rhys. Some type of grunting.

  I know I shouldn’t, but I need to see if Joni is okay, so I slowly, and quietly, open the door a little.

  Joni’s bent over the desk, and Rhys is thrusting into her. She’s making noises, but I can’t tell if they’re the good type or the bad type. My heart crashes to the floor, and lies like a deadweight around my ankles.

  I’m going to be sick.

  This is wrong. So very wrong.

  Rhys glances over his shoulder, sees me looking, then thrusts into Joni hard. He smiles as if he’s enjoying the look of disgust on my face more than what he’s doing.

  I hear her whimper. Bile climbs up my throat. The bitter taste of it making me want to retch.

  I close the door and run downstairs, pushing my way through people. I see the front door in front of me, and I struggle to reach it. My fingers finally clasp around it and I twist it and pull back.

  And then I escape.

  I run like mad.

  Run, run, run away.

  Like I used to try to.

  It’s not until I’m at the end of the street that I realize that I’m okay. It’s just me, and I’ve made it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  18 years ago …

  NINA

  * * *

  “Look what I got for you.”

  That nasty man holds up a sweet. I hear my breath, but my body freezes. I can’t move my neck. He creeps closer to me. I feel the urge to move back but my legs aren’t working.

  “Nina.” He waves the sweet at me. It’s in a shiny pink wrapper, and my mouth already feels weird. My stomach empties. I move my eyes, looking for my brother. He won’t touch me if Elias is here. It’s when I’m alone that I’m in trouble. I try not to be alone, but sometimes it happens, when I’m walking around looking for Elias, but this man always finds me first.

  I don’t know how he does it, comes out of the air. It’s like he’s always watching and waiting for me.

  He takes another step closer to me and I want to throw up. I need to run, but I can’t. I can hear my breath even louder now. It sounds like it does when I’ve been running. When me and E
lias play hide and seek around the house. It’s a fun game when I play with my brother, but it’s not fun when this man makes me play it with him.

  And now he’s got me.

  “Do you want this, Nina?” He waves the sweet again.

  I nod my head, because my voice has stopped working.

  “Come on, this way, pet,” he says, turning around to leave.

  It feels as if my stomach has fallen to the floor. I don’t want to follow him. I want my brother. I want the other kids, and the other grown-ups to be here. It’s safer then.

  I wish I could disappear.

  “Neeee-naaaaaaaaaa.” I hate the way he says it, like he’s singing it. Like he’s in a happy mood. But I’m scared, because he’s taking me to his room, and he will do things that make me cry.

  “Tell you what,” he whispers, bending down. He has holes in his skin. His face is sweaty, and when he smiles, his teeth are crooked and yellow. “I’ll make it easy for you this time. Just this time, mind. If you can find even one sweet, before I stop counting, then you can have all the sweets and go.”

  One sweet out of five? That sounds easy. I should be able to do that. He’ll let me go, and he won’t do anything to me.

  I don’t move.

  “Or…” he smiles, showing those ugly teeth again. “Or I could play this game with your brother.”

  My lower lip starts to wobble, and I start to cry, but I don’t make a noise. Big fat tears roll down my cheeks and I shake my head.

  Not my brother. Not Elias. He’s all I have.

  “You want me to leave Elias alone?”

  I nod.

  “Good girl. Come on, then.”

  I follow him, sniffling as I wipe away my snot with the back of my hand. We’re going down to his basement again. “Close your eyes, so I can hide the sweets.”

  I do as he says but I strain my ears for the tell tale clues but the thumping of my heart is louder and gets in the way.

  “Go! Find them before I get to a hundred.”

  He starts counting, and I run around the room. It’s not a big room, there’s some furniture, a table, a chair, a sofa and a TV. I run around, terrified. Something inside me flips. I want to scream, but no one will hear me.

  I’ll play with your brother instead.

  He can’t do that to Elias. I am desperate to find a sweet. Just the one.

  “Fifty-seven, fifty-eight.”

  I feel like I’m going to pee myself. He’s halfway through and I haven’t found anything. I look under the sofa cushions, and crawl under the table. I search everywhere I can think of, but the sweets are nowhere.

  He’s counting quickly. I try not to listen as he gets closer to ninety. My heart feels like it’s going to burst.

  “Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.”

  I haven’t found a single sweet.

  I’ve lost the game.

  I always lose the game.

  I start crying again because I know what comes next.

  He will punish me. I close my legs together, and I try to lift my head, but I can’t look at him.

  “Naughty girl, Nina.”

  I cry silently.

  “Do you know what happens to naughty girls?”

  I nod. I do know.

  I want to throw up.

  I want Elias.

  “Come along, then, pet,” he says, lifting up my dress and pulling down my panties.

  It feels like the world has slowed down. It feels like I’m underwater, like I can’t breathe. Like I can’t hear, or see properly.

  Like everything around me is blurry.

  * * *

  “Get up.”

  He pulls my hand roughly, and yanks me up. It hurts down there. It always hurts, but not like before, like that first time.

  “Remember, this is our little secret,” he says, pulling up my panties. He smooths down my dress. “Not a word to anyone. You know what happens if you tell?”

  I stare back at him.

  “You know what happens, don’t you, pet? Answer me.”

  I open my mouth but no words come out.

  “Answer me,” he barks.

  “Elias gets hurt.” Somehow I manage to say those three words.

  He nods. “That’s right. If you want me to leave your brother alone, you keep your mouth shut.”

  I nod.

  “Off with you then. Go on, get lost.”

  I run to the door, and then I run up the stairs, then out and into the hallway. The smell of disinfectant is so strong, and I almost trip in my rush to get away. I run and run, even though we’re not supposed to run inside.

  “Where you been?” Elias shouts, as I see him in the hallway. It feels like my lungs are about to burst.

  I run to him and throw my arms around him, because he is my world, because I’m so happy to see him. I hold on tightly.

  “Ewwww,” he cries, pushing me away. “What did you do that for?”

  I shrug. “Dunno.”

  He’s lost one of his big upper teeth and two of his bottom ones. His dark eyes flash at me, he’s not angry, but he thinks hugging is girlie stuff.

  There is a pain between my legs, but I’m so happy to see him, that it doesn’t matter.

  Chapter Fourteen

  NINA

  * * *

  Joni’s been quiet all morning. I seek her out when she disappears outside for a cigarette break.

  “Why did you let him drag you upstairs with him?” I ask her.

  “Who?”

  “Rhys.”

  “He’s my boyfriend.”

  “You didn’t look like you wanted to go upstairs.”

  She inhales deeply, then blows out smoke rings.

  I persist. “He forced you to do something you didn’t want.”

  “It’s foreplay.”

  I freeze up when guys try to feel me up—the few guys I allowed to get near me. When I couldn’t put out, they didn’t stick around. But even at a young age, even at eight, I knew that a ‘no’ was supposed to mean a ‘no’.

  “But still, no should mean no.” The janitor was evil. I was a child. He was bigger than me and I couldn’t escape him. What Joni has with Rhys is supposed to be consensual. It’s a relationship between two adults. It’s supposed to be different. I don’t understand how a grown woman like Joni can let a man who is supposed to be her boyfriend, treat her the way he does.

  Joni’s expression turns coquettish. “When I say no, I don’t really mean it.” Her words horrify me, especially because I don’t believe her.

  “I’m just playing hard to get. I’m being a prick tease,” she continues.

  That’s not what it looked like to me. She didn’t look like she wanted to go upstairs with him. “What if one day you do mean it?”

  “He’s my boyfriend. Just because I don’t feel like it then, doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy it later.”

  “That’s not right.”

  She throws the stub of her cigarette on the floor and presses her shoe over it. “Rhys is right. You’re too uptight, Nina. When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”

  I fold my arms. “I don’t have a time for a boyfriend.”

  “What’s wrong with Scott? The guy is crazy about you.”

  “I don’t feel the same way.”

  “What about Office Guy? He’s cute, nicely dressed. Seems smart. What’s wrong with him?”

  I shrug.

  Nothing.

  Nothing is wrong with any of them.

  It’s me.

  I’m the one who’s not wired right. I’m the one who is damaged and dirty and broken.

  “Have you considered that you might be gay?” Joni asks.

  “I’m not.”

  “Then why do you hold back? What are you waiting for?”

  I turn to her in anger. “Life isn’t about getting laid all the time.”

  “Getting laid all the time?” She laughs. “I don’t remember you ever telling me about you getting laid at all.”

  �
��I’m not like you. I don’t go around bragging about it.”

  “I don’t brag. I tell you because you’re my friend. I’ve never heard you talk about a date. You’ve had plenty of guys showing an interest in you, but remember, guys wouldn’t hit on you if your brother wasn’t famous.”

  Joni’s jealousy blinds her. They did hit on me before, just not as much. I say nothing, because I’m too shocked by the vitriol in her voice.

  “You’re too stupid to even realize when someone like Callum Sandersby shows an interest in you. But don’t forget, he’s only interested in you because you’re Elias’s sister.”

  She’s right. She’s also pissed off, but it’s with her boyfriend, and not me. She’s just too stupid to see it.

  I go back inside, annoyed by Joni and having had another bad night’s sleep last night. That has been happening more and more since the summer. When I can’t sleep, I cut myself. It’s addictive, like scratching an itch—it feels so, so good. I try not to, but on those restless nights, after hours of tossing and turning, I often give in to the blade.

  When I cut, I feel the pressure lift off. I become calmer. I feel at peace. I feel.

  I stay away from Joni for the rest of the morning, but my mood is no better by the time I head off to the film set to deliver lunch for the golden boy. I hope he’s shooting instead of being in his trailer, so that I can dump his lunch on this table and make a fast exit. Yesterday he was in makeup, and his assistant took the food from me.

  However, my day worsens after I knock on his door. Callum tells me to come in. He holds up a book for me to see, presumably its something he’s reading. To my dismay it’s a biography about Elias.

  “Find anything interesting?” I ask, only because he’s put me on the spot.

  “Quite a lot of things, actually. I’m only halfway through. You guys spent some time at Grampton House. It’s still here, right?”

  The reminder of that place is like a kick to my belly. “It closed down years ago,” I reply as I walk towards him. “Your lunch.”

  “What was it like, growing up?”