by Annie Boone
It was a lovely night and she really didn't want to ruin it by being impatient. She knew what she wanted but she truly was inexperienced. The only boyfriend she'd ever had was Frederick and he didn't really qualify as a romantic interest. She had nothing to help her know when to back away and let things happen or when to share her feelings. She contemplated her options and tried to decide if she should act now or wait.
Blake was perfect for her and if she knew that waiting would pay off, she would wait a lifetime for him. He brought out the adventurous side in her and made her want to do things that she never thought she could do. Even though he didn't clue her in at all about what he was feeling romantically, she still couldn't help but wonder if she just wasn't seeing the whole picture. Perhaps he did feel the connection that she sought and just was not overly showy about it. Or, you could just be wasting your time. She thought with a sense of disappointment.
Viola sighed and tried her best to focus on the beauty of her surroundings and the open sky rich with bright twinkling stars. The vast dark midnight blue of the night enveloped her and she was overcome with the wonder of Creation. Without realizing it, she reached over and put her hand in Blake's. She was lost in thought - partially about the enchanting evening out in the open sky and partially about the love she felt for a man who she hoped would one day love her back.
Because she was so deep in her thoughts, she didn't notice that Blake was looking at her. The act of reaching out to hold his hand had been natural and unrehearsed. There was no ulterior motive. She just wanted to touch him and share the moment.
He cleared his throat and took his hand away. He tried to do it casually by pushing his hair out of his eyes, but Viola knew he just didn't want to hold her hand. Though her move hadn't been a planned tactic to take the courtship forward, once she realized what she'd done she was hoping for a positive response. She sighed heavily and looked away.
Blake looked over at her and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"No," she answered carefully, "Nothing. What could be wrong, Blake?" Her response was quiet and she was unable to keep the hurt tone out of her voice. She couldn't bring herself to look at Blake so she stared out over the horizon.
"Come on. I may not have known you that long, but I know that face," he smiled, "What is it?"
Now, she looked back at him, figuring if she was going to be honest, she might as well just spell it out for him. "What are we doing?" She asked him finally, almost wanting to take the words back as soon as they crossed her lips.
Blake shifted uncomfortably as he answered, "What do you mean? We're watching the stars. Together. Aren't we?" The way he was acting, however, led her to believe that he knew exactly what she was talking about.
"I mean us," she asked softly, "Our relationship? I just reached out for you and you couldn't stand for me to touch you. Why?"
Blake sighed and answered, "We're having fun, aren't we? Why can't we just be friends for now?" Then he added almost as an afterthought, "And I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to." He then kicked at a rock nervously with his foot as he said, "Do we have to talk about this right now?"
Viola sighed and all the emotions of the past weeks rushed through her mind and her heart. She knew that likely, if she stopped the conversation now, the awkwardness would subside and they would be able to continue the evening. After all, this cowboy never seemed to hold a grudge. However, she couldn't just let it go and so after a slight pause, she answered, "No. I'm sorry, Blake. We have to talk about this now."
Chapter Eight
At first, Blake seemed taken aback, as though he felt that Viola had no right to demand such an answer from him, but before he could say anything, she insisted, "It's been a month, Blake," and at this, he shrugged, but did not say what was clearly on his mind.
Viola waited for him to say something, anything that would make things easier for her, but he chose to stay silent.
So, eventually, Viola answered, "I'm willing to be completely honest with you if you show me the same courtesy; is that a deal?"
He nodded, "Yeah, sure. I guess."
"Do you want to go first?" She asked hopefully, trying to save herself from complete embarrassment.
However, he just looked at her and answered, "You're the one with something to say, Viola. Right now, I'm just trying to catch up."
She was sure his words did not mean to come out as cruel as they did, because while Blake was a lot of things, cruel was not one of them. Yet, that still did not make the sting hurt any less, but she continued nonetheless, "Well, I really have enjoyed our time together. I really like you, Blake. I think you are a man that I can stand beside and what's more, I like the lifestyle of the ranch. Everything is beautiful and I love it here. It is a welcomed change that I do not believe I could ever tire of."
At this, Blake crossed his arms in front of his chest and answered, "I thought we were going to be honest, Viola, formalities aside."
This annoyed Viola a little bit, since she knew that she was pushing him, but wanted to get to the point. Still, if by chance he was still contemplating their relationship, she didn't want to push him too far to the other side and risk him washing his hands of her for good. Therefore, she tried to be tactful. Now, however, she suddenly wasn't feeling so standoffish. Fine! She thought, realizing that she wanted to get the worst of the pain over with, the initial blow as soon as possible, so that she could start preparing for whatever it was her new reality was going to be. "Alright. Well, the truth is that over the past few weeks, I have fallen in love with you. You are everything that I have ever wanted in a man and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you asked, I would marry you tomorrow."
Blake sat back for a moment, as though he had not expected her to be quite so honest. Still, he carefully considered what she had to say. Yet, still, he shook his head vigorously and answered, "I'm sorry. I can't."
He stood up and Viola followed him, "Can't what?" She pressed, feeling hurt, rejected and angry, "Blake, after our first date, it wasn't like the reason why I was here was a secret. I am here to see if we are compatible for marriage, not just to be friends. If you would like someone to converse with through letters I can accept that, I suppose. I do not want to give the impression that I have not enjoyed every moment of being together and I do not regret a second. However, I need to know if you really did mean it when you said you would try."
"It's my life. The only people that this should concern are you and me, but my uncle went behind my back and brought you out here. I'm still annoyed about that." Now, he seemed slightly angry as he continued, "I have a lot of fun with you too, but if you are really looking for a husband so badly, maybe you should go back to the East Coast and marry that man who gives you what I can't."
"Are you even willing to try?" Viola demanded, feeling hot tears fill her eyes. She didn't want this to be their last conversation, but it was sure shaping up to look as though it would be their last.
Blake stared back at her with a hard expression. His eyes were almost fearful as they pierced into hers, while his mind tried to decide what he should say next. Viola wasn't sure whether he was thinking about what she was saying, or just thinking about the best way to let her down easy. Finally, with wide, pained eyes he answered, "Viola, I honestly don't know if I can."
With that, Viola felt her heart break in two. The pain was immense. She bit her lip to keep back the tears that were now actively welling up in her eyes, but she was absolutely sure that if she was to keep her composure, she would not be able to continue looking at him.
So, she just told him, "Thank you for finally being honest. I think I have to go."
As calmly as possible, she rose and started walking down the path she knew by heart toward the house.
"Viola! Viola!" Blake called out to her. She kept walking.
"Please don't leave like this! Come back and let's just enjoy the evening!" he yelled. She didn't stop.
Since he only c
alled out to her instead of coming after her she was able to finally see the truth for what it was.
Viola didn't stop walking until she reached the house. When she'd made it into the house, she could hold the tears back no longer and they streamed down her face. She wiped the salty tears away angrily while she looked with love at the place where she had found so much hope and promise.
Not wanting Bart or Anna to see her in this emotional state, she hurried to her room. Once the door was shut behind her, Viola took out her trunk from the closet and rummaged through things that she had not looked at in weeks, before finding stationary and a good pen.
After retrieving what she needed, she sat down at the desk in the corner of her room and began to write.
Chapter Nine
Dear Frederick,
First and foremost, I would like to extend my gratitude to you for keeping the option open for me to return if things did not work out in the west.
It is a wondrous place and I am happy to have had the experience. However, with all of the joys I have found, my plan to marry a rancher has not worked out as I had hoped. I am writing you to in order to formally inform you that, if you will still have me, I am ready to move forward with our marriage.
I will be returning to New York very soon. I will call upon you the moment I am settled and we will make arrangements.
Thank you again for your generous offer.
Sincerely,
Viola
Viola read over the letter multiple times before she placed it in an envelope, but each time, her heart grew heavier. She knew that was not what she wanted, but she couldn't bear to stay at the ranch any longer.
After finishing the letter, she went downstairs to talk to Bart and Anna. She hesitated before she entered the sitting room. Both were reading and she hated to interrupt but she knew she must.
"Bart. Anna. I need to talk to the two of you if you don't mind."
The aunt and uncle exchanged looks and solemnly set their books aside.
"What is it, Dear?" said Anna with compassion.
"I've decided to return to New York. Tomorrow. I miss my family, you see. I just didn't expect to be so homesick. Will you please take me to the train station tomorrow morning?" Viola said. She was still emotional but she realized that at least part of what she said was true. She did miss her family and she hadn't heard from them since she arrived.
Bart looked at her sternly. "What's that blasted nephew of mine done?" he demanded. "I had hoped he would see what we've known all along. Has he done irreparable damage?"
"Now, Bart. Hold on a minute," said Anna. "Let Viola tell us everything before we get all upset. So, go on now, Dear. Is there more than just homesickness going on? If you want to see your family, you can certainly go back for a visit."
"I wish it was just yearning for my family," she proclaimed. "There's more to it than that. I pressed Blake tonight about his feelings for me. I told him that I've fallen in love with him. He doesn't return those feelings. I feel that it would be foolish to remain here hoping that he will change his mind. He will not. His mind is set. He doesn't want a wife that was chosen by his uncle. I suspect he doesn't want a wife at all."
Anna began to cry and that made Viola start crying all over again. The two women had grown very close and with the relationship that she and Bart had forged through their letters, she felt extremely close to both of them. They were her second family. She was going to have to give the two of them up so that she wouldn't ever have to see Blake again. She was losing three people that she loved. Her heart broke all over again.
"Let me talk to him," Bart exclaimed, but Viola was adamant that he made his decision. She knew that his anger toward his uncle would be a barrier and that nothing Bart could say would help.
"The deal was that he had to fall in love with me and want to marry me of his own accord. He can't be forced and I don't want that, either. As much as it hurts, if I'm not who he wants I need to go."
Not wanting to accept this, Bart answered, "It isn't that, Viola. Any man would be lucky to have you. I believe he's just afraid. He doesn't know what being in love and having a commitment means. He's afraid of losing his freedom and having to take on responsibility before he thinks he's ready." He got up to pace and continued. "He loves us, but that is the only meaningful relationship he has ever had. We've been too easy on him, perhaps, Anna."
She nodded, but didn't respond. She was still dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief.
"We haven't made him start taking responsibility for the ranch that he will one day inherit. We felt that he needed to do that in his own time. I did finally tell him that once he finds his bride it will be time for him to be a man instead of a boy. He knows that when he falls in love, he is going to have to build a home with the woman and stay in it every night. He'll have to run the whole operation instead of doing a few chores and spending the rest of the day hiking and riding." He shook his head, "He thinks that is a real life, but one day, that just won't be enough for him. He is going to want something more, but I pray that he doesn't realize that too late."
Anna nodded and added, "It will be too late, if he doesn't realize it by tomorrow morning."
"Thank you," Viola said, trying her best to show appreciation for their kind words. She knew they were attempting to make her feel better. "I wish that there was something that could be done, but there is just nothing," She squared her shoulders and continued. "I can't make him feel differently than he does. I don't want to make him. I love him for who he is, but if he can't return that love, then there is just nothing I can do to change things." She smiled sadly and looked down at the letter in her hand. Her hand was shaking so she dropped it to her side. "Good night," she called, before going back to her room to get her things packed.
When she entered her room, Viola didn't know how to feel. There were just so many emotions running through her at the moment that she just felt numb and that was probably a good thing. After all, Viola didn't feel like letting herself truly understand what was going on with her at the moment. She didn't want to have anything holding her back in the morning, but she wished something would make her stay.
Yet, the nothingness was good for quieting at least some of the noise that she felt running continuously through her brain.
Eventually, Viola was able to go to sleep. There, in her dreams, she was able to enjoy the beautiful scenes of her and Blake. Happy and laughing together under the stars.
Chapter Ten
The next morning came too soon and it was difficult for Viola to wake up. Even though she had not gotten much sleep, she still did not want to face the day, because she knew that this would be the last time she woke up in this bed, at this ranch and with the hope of having Blake realize what he has been missing.
Anna came to Viola's room to check on her. She looked at Anna hopefully and asked "Is Blake here?"
Anna's lips grew tight and her eyes darkened with despair as she shook her head and answered, "No. Unfortunately not, Dear. The good Lord did not see fit to knock some sense into that boy." Then she smiled at her and answered, "But he's also missing breakfast, so you can at least take comfort in that." She left the room so that Viola could dress for breakfast and join the couple for the morning meal.
The mood throughout breakfast was somber. The ride to town was devastating for the three of them.
Violet stood by as her trunks were being unloaded from the wagon. Bart and Anna took turns hugging her before she got in line at the ticket counter.
"You write to us as soon as you get to New York, you hear?" Bart said, "We're going to miss you around here."
Viola hugged him again, tighter this time. "I'm going to miss you, too. I promise I'll write. And you better write back!"
When she pulled away, fighting back tears, she heard Anna say, "And feel free to come back any time. If it's uncomfortable for him to be there, we'll tell him to get lost for a little while, but you are always welcome here! You're
family now and don't you ever forget that."
Viola smiled and answered, "I would love to come for a visit. That would be nice. Let's worry about that later. Who knows. Maybe I'll come back and he'll have figured out what he wants. Maybe there will finally be a spark." She hugged Anna crying softly the whole time.
The beloved uncle and aunt stepped back so that Viola could do what she needed to do.
"Thank you very much for everything you have done for me. You have been the most wonderful hosts - and family. I love you both."
They smiled back at her and tried to be strong. This was more than just a house guest going home. Viola had become part of their family long before she showed up at the ranch and it was hard to let her go.
When she was through the ticket booth, she dropped her letter in the mailbox that was conveniently located right at the station before she moved to find a seat. There was still a little while before her train arrived, but she tried not to think about that. She knew that right now, her worst enemy was time. She had no use for idle thoughts; she would have enough of that on the train ride. Viola certainly didn't need any of that while she was still within reach of the ranch.
Maybe I could work for them. That would give me money to stay. She thought as she tried to work out a plan to go back to the ranch and not go to New York. I'm sure I could catch them.
She discarded the idea quickly. She knew that staying at the ranch would be a mistake that would complicate things with Bart and Anna and also keep her heart from healing when she had to see Blake all the time. She began thinking instead of the things she needed to do to get back into the routine in New York. The Routine. That sounded horrible after her days of horseback riding, hiking, and watching the stars. Well, she'd better get used to it because in about a week, she was going to be a New Yorker again.
"Viola. You really are leaving, aren't you?" That voice. Blake's voice. It was coming from behind her. She must be imagining it. She turned around just to be sure and her jaw dropped in surprise.
