Breathless (Soulless, Heartless, Hopeless)

by Cerys du Lys

  "It's alright," I said. I pushed back against him, reveling in the fire of his body.

  He didn't move away this time, didn't try to escape from me. We'd gotten over that, it seemed. It would die down, a natural reaction.

  I didn't want it to die down, though.

  "Where do you live?" I asked.

  Evan breathed hard against my neck, distracted. "There's a survivor's camp on the other side of the city. I live there with some others. It's mostly a bunch of tents, but we've got all the necessities."

  "Is that your long term plan?" I asked. "Is anyone planning something else?"

  "Well..."

  I shifted beneath the blankets. My hips wiggled back against his hardening cock, teasing against it. Careful, slow, I spread my legs slightly, shifting back further and further. The heat from his cock brushed against the bottom curves of my ass and inwards towards the center of my thighs.

  Evan gulped, having said nothing more than "Well..." once I started moving. "We're... we're settling down for the long haul," he said. "I'm not sure what the plans are after that. I'm studying, of course, and we're stocking up supplies. Once winter comes it'll be rough, but maybe we can find someplace to stay that's safe. We have a few more months until that, though."

  "Evan?" I asked.

  "Yes, Sadie?"

  "Do you like me?"

  I sidled backwards, sneaking around until the head of his cock touched lightly against the lips of my pussy. Shifting just a tiny bit more, I angled him and I so that one slight movement would bring us together fully.

  "Sadie..." he said, at a loss for words.

  "I know that this is wrong," I said. "I really do. I shouldn't put you into this situation. I'm... I know that you'll deny it, but I know what I am, Evan. Even if I have a pulse, I'm not normal. I'm inhuman."

  Evan pushed forward, rolling his hips. The head of his cock disappeared into my cool slit. Cool before, but not for long. A raging inferno flared through my body, stimying my cold and replacing it with warm, lush arousal.

  "Evan," I whispered, frantic. "You don't have to. It was silly of me. We shouldn't do this."

  He pressed his lips against the nape of my neck, lighting me ablaze with his touch. I let out a cry and my body tensed tight, desperate for his heat.

  "I want to," he said. "You're beautiful, Sadie."

  I nodded my head up and down, unsure why I was even nodding. He'd said something, yes, and I loved hearing it, but I became mindless once more when he pressed further inside of me. His cock dipped between my folds, pushing into my pussy, further and further still until I felt the wondrous feeling of his pelvis held tight against my rear. He was all the way inside of me, deep.

  I shivered in delight and he held me close to him. His lips kissed along my neck and my shoulders and his hand gently caressed my stomach. His leg wrapped around mine, entwined, pulling me closer to him and he pressed inside of me more, filling me as much as he could.

  "I was worried," Evan said.

  "Why?" I asked, gasping out the word.

  "I don't usually do this," he said. "I like you, Sadie, but I don't have casual sex. I..."

  "I'm sorry Evan but I can't think right now."

  He laughed. "Alright."

  I would've been completely content if he just stayed inside of me. He didn't need to move or do anything in particular to make me happy. He did, though. Easing himself out of me, his thick warmth heating my core, he settled the head of his cock at the entrance to my slit, then pushed right back in. A piston of fire, melting me inside and out. I tensed against him, squeezing my thighs shut, my inner walls clamping down tight on his cock.

  Evan kissed me and held me and made love to me. His throbbing cock teased me into a heightened awareness of myself and my body. Everywhere he touched, inside of me or out, he left light tingles across my skin. I closed my eyes and focused on our intimacy.

  Like small fireworks being set off inside me, his heat flared to the forefront of my thoughts. Crackling sparks shifted around me in my mind and I felt like we might ignite the bed and burst into flames if we continued. The bed didn't catch fire, but right then I doubted I would have cared if it did.

  "Sadie," Evan said, his voice thick and heavy.

  "Mm," I murred.

  "I'm going to soon. I... you feel so good."

  "It's alright," I said, feeling glassy and soft. "It's alright."

  His very essence filled me, his soul, like a hearth, warming his body. He warmed me, too, built me up, made me feel wanted.

  And hot.

  I clenched around his cock, shivering in delight whenever he pressed through my defenses. So deep inside of me, tight and fiery, then slowly easing out. I gasped through ragged breath, shuddering at the sensation of our coupling. Soon, he said. I thought I was already there.

  I started as kindling, but he fed me a spark. I savored it, tended to it, and when he gave me more I accepted it fully. Now I had a full blown fire, but I wanted more. I wanted a pyre, conflagration, burning combustion.

  My body blazed and I spasmed as my orgasm overtook me. Quaking and clenching, clutching hard against his cock, I practically roared with each of his thrusts. High up now, soaring, I felt like some elemental being made of pure flames. Crackling, crisp and delightful.

  Evan pushed hard into me and held himself there. I squeezed against him, massaging his cock with my frenzied climax. He pulsed inside of me, once, twice, and more. Deep and hard and, oh, so wonderful.

  He came. His seed filled me completely, finding every possible spot that his cock hadn't heated already and finalizing my sultry fire. I shuddered and shook in his arms, blinded by the flickering firelight behind my closed eyes.

  Evan held me tight, embraced me, squeezing me against him. His cock twitched inside of me as I coaxed forth more of his cream with my desirous climax. He held me and kissed my neck and my shoulders and strained to kiss my cheek. I nearly died; I felt so overloaded with pleasure.

  This was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I wanted more.

  Evan softened inside of me and I fluttered down from my sexual high. Slow, gentle, still ablaze, I could at least think better now, though. I turned to him and pursed my lips and tried to kiss him and he slid forward and touched his lips to mine.

  "I can think again," I said, giddy. "I'm sorry I interrupted you."

  "It's alright," he said. "I can't say I minded."

  "What were you saying about... about..." I remembered now. Casual, he said. Casual sex. This was that, wasn't it? I fell, dropped, cooled down suddenly.

  "I don't want this to be casual," he said. "Sadie, I'd like to see you again, if that's alright?"

  I spun around. His cock slipped out of my folds, leaving a taste of warmth and coolness where it had once lay inside me, but I didn't care. I hugged him and wrapped my legs and arms around him, pulling him to me. I kissed him, ignoring the tingling flares sparking along my lips whenever we touched. He kissed me, too, caught up in my passion.

  "Is that a yes?" he asked when I finally let him free for a second.

  "You'll really come back?" I asked, still unsure if this was all real or imaginary.

  "I'd like to. I..." He paused and frowned. "I need to leave in the morning. If I don't, they'll send someone looking for me. I wasn't even supposed to be in the city today. I was supposed to be hunting. I'll come back, though. I promise."

  I listened and nodded. I touched my nose against his and laughed at the tickling feel of it. He smiled and watched me with glimmering, happy eyes.

  "You don't think I'm... strange, then?" I asked. "I know I'm different. I'm sorry about that, Evan. I don't look nice anymore. I can't help it but I'll try. I might be able to find some makeup to cover up my skin. It's this color all the time and I don't know why. I'll try to look regular for you. I'll..."

  "Sadie," Evan said, shushing me by putting his finger on my lips. "I think you're beautiful. You don't have to do anything special for me. I like you the way you are."

 
Did he really, though? I thought about it while we huddled together, cuddling. Drifting to sleep, happy for the first time in months, I wondered if this could work.

  Everything seemed perfect now, but what about when he left?

  The haze would overtake me, spreading throughout my body. Coolness replacing Evan's warmth and confusion muddling my mind.

  And then what?

  Heartless

  I wake up, cold, huddling beneath the covers. I want to lay there and sleep more and forget everything, forget why I'm awake, to dream, but something snaps me back to reality. No matter what I do, I can't warm up. I pull the blankets higher, higher still, covering myself from chin to toe. When that doesn't work, I pull the covers all the way over me. My arms feel stiff and ungainly like maybe I've broken them, but I don't think that's possible. They don't hurt and I would feel it if they were broken, right?

  Suddenly, I panic. This isn't my bed. Urgent, rushing, I throw the blankets off of me and try to jump up and out of bed but I stumble and fall to my knees. This isn't my room and this isn't my house. Where am I?

  Am I drunk? Did I go out to a bar last night and drink too much and...? Is this some person's house? Are they a friend? Did I sleep with them? I can't seem to think, but I need to. I glance towards the bed, trying to figure something out, anything. Next to my previous sleeping spot I see small signs of someone else having been in bed with me. Creased sheets, the indent of a person's head imprinted on the pillow, the slightly upturned blankets at the edge of the bed when they snuck out some time ago, leaving me alone.

  And then I see a note. I believe it's a note, but maybe it's just a folded up piece of paper. Pulling myself off the floor, struggling up, I crawl on hands and knees across the bed and grab for the paper.

  My hands; they're a faint blue color. I stare at my knuckles, fascinated and shocked and scared. Why are my hands blue? The paper between my fingers becomes an afterthought as I look at myself.

  I remember now. A slight parting of the morning haze lifts away and I can remember somewhat of what happened. I am dead. I'm a zombie. I walk around in the city sometimes during the day, or other days I huddle up here and pretend I don't exist. Once in awhile I forage for canned goods and manage to convince myself to turn on the generator outside this house long enough to heat some food in the microwave.

  I want to do that now. Do I have food? I don't know. It's morning and I'd love a steaming bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal. I want to eat and feel warm and be normal. I want to—I check the bedside table on my side of the bed and notice that, yes, my book is still there. I want to read and relax for the day. I must be sick; I feel so cold.

  The note drops out of my hand and onto the bed, unfolding and opening in front of me. I stare at the words on the paper, confused. They are a blur, unreadable. They exist, but not for me. I don't know what they are.

  I continue to stare at them, though. I will read them. I think they're important and I need to know why.

  I figure it out soon enough.

  "Good morning, Sadie," the note begins. That's my name. I smile. This note is for me and I belong here. This isn't my room, but it is. I can stay here.

  "I'm sorry I have to leave so early. I want to stay. I really really do. I don't know how to explain it, but I had a great time with you yesterday and last night. I wish I could stay and make breakfast with you and cuddle next to you on the couch while watching Saturday morning cartoons. We could watch whatever you want if you don't like cartoons, though."

  Cartoons are fine, I think. I remember getting excited about them when I was younger and rushing into the living room, plopping down on the floor, and bringing a bowl of excessively sweet cereal with me, with even more sugar added on top.

  "I need to go because people will be looking for me, though. I wasn't supposed to stay with you last night, no matter if I wanted to or not. I have obligations and my group's de facto leader is going to be seriously pissed with me. Hopefully I can find a deer or something on my walk back there so he's not too mad, though."

  "I want you to know," the note continued, "I don't regret it. I don't regret anything with you and I'm not leaving because of that. I need to leave because some other people are relying on me, but otherwise I would stay. I'd wake up next to you and kiss you, Sadie. I'd squeeze you tight and we could talk about nothing or everything or whatever you want. I want to see you again and I'll come back if you'll accept me."

  I stare at the note, unsure what to say. I don't need to say anything because no one is here to say it to, but I feel like I should form some response in my mind. I feel a little better and a little warmer and I want to answer the last part of the note, but I don't have anyone to talk to.

  "This might sound silly," I read, my lips moving along with the words, "but will you go on a date with me, Sadie?"

  The note is signed in a man's scribbled script. "Evan."

  ...

  Evan never found a deer. He picked off a pair of squirrels and a rabbit on his way back to camp, but that was it. Somebody would enjoy them, but half the people here wouldn't bother. He didn't really understand that, but even after months in the woods they acted snobby towards food. Personally, he figured whatever he could catch that didn't look sickly and dying was good enough for him, especially considering the alternatives, but not everyone held the same opinion.

  No, instead, more than a few people preferred risking their lives, rushing into the city, and grabbing stock from convenience store shelves, grocery store shelves, and sometimes even raiding people's homes. Evan had no real qualms with this and figured people could do what they wanted, but he thought it was kind of reckless.

  Who was he to tell people they were reckless, though? He'd snuck into the city to study at the university and then spent the night with Sadie afterwards, so he wasn't one to talk.

  He hoped to arrive uneventfully back at camp, but that never happened. They always had guards stationed around the perimeter as per Alex's orders and one of them spotted him as he walked up. Someone hollered to someone else, who continued the chain of yelling, and soon enough they were upon him.

  Women mostly. A few children, too. A couple of men came to take the squirrels and rabbit and bring them to their impromptu kitchen area for gutting and skinning. The women fawned over him and asked him if he was hurt.

  "Did you have a run in with any zombies?" Anna asked. "We were worried about you, Evan."

  "Were you bit? I bet if you get bit you turn into one of them," a little boy, Jonah, said.

  Evan grinned. "Sorry to disappoint you folks, but no run ins and I wasn't bit. Also, stop telling those rumors. You don't turn into anything if you get bit. I can try it if you want to see what happens, though?"

  Evan jumped back and held his arms out like some monstrous creature, baring his teeth at the children. The adult women rolled their eyes at him and shook their heads, but the children laughed and ran away. Little ones, playful, peeking over their shoulders every few steps to see if Evan was chasing them or not.

  He loved children. When he could, he tried spending time with them and playing with them, teaching them this and that. Survival tactics or math, maybe English if he could. It wasn't that he was exceptionally good at any of these (though he was pretty good at some), but he thought they should have a life still. Just because everyone wanted to huddle up in this camp and wait out the illness plaguing a majority of their fellow man didn't mean the kids should stop learning.

  He was just about to chase them around, maybe have a bit of fun, but then Alex marched up. Straight-faced and with powerful, purposeful steps, he approached Evan and gave him the once over.

  "You're not dead," Alex said.

  Evan laughed. "Of course I'm not dead."

  "This isn't funny, Evan. Where were you? What happened?"

  What should he say? He'd thought about it on the way here and he still didn't know. The truth? That hardly seemed a good choice given the circumstances. If anyone found out he'd met Sadie, spent the night wit
h her... made love to her. Well, if anyone found out any of that, they'd panic. It wasn't really that he cared too much, but he understood that panic wasn't the most useful thing for managing a group of people.

  "Let's talk in my office," Alex said. With that, he turned around and walked away. "Now, Evan. Not in an hour or two. Understand?"

  Alex didn't even look over his shoulder to say those last few words. He just walked away, leaving Evan in the middle of a group of anxious looking women. Thankfully the children wandered away before all that. Alex had that effect on them.

  "I think you're in trouble," Anna said with a giggle. "I'm glad you're safe, though."

  "Have you had breakfast?" Carla asked. "I can make you up some oatmeal. We have maple syrup from the last run into town. I'll add a spoonful if you want?"

  To be honest, Evan would rather have had eggs and bacon, with a short stack of pancakes. Pancakes were still possible, but Alex refused to let him go search for chickens for eggs, and pigs were a no, too. Anything perishable from the stores was long past rotten by now considering the electricity had gone out months ago. Or, most of the electricity, anyways.

  "Oatmeal sounds great," he said, forcing a smile.

  Carla beamed at him. Anna said she'd help. Laura offered to take his crossbow and quiver back to his tent, too. Rose and Sylvie peeled away with the rest of the women. They all wished Evan luck in dealing with Alex.

  Figuring he should get this over with, sighing deeply, Evan trudged onwards towards Alex's office. It wasn't much of an office—just a log cabin they'd built here, with roofing tiles and insulation scavenged from a Home Depot in the city—but Alex loved to lord over the place. He spent his days there planning and sifting through charts, writing up ideas, holding meetings with people he'd appointed as advisors.

  Evan was one such advisor. He didn't really want to be an advisor, but he understood the necessity of it, so he did it anyways.