Breathless (Soulless, Heartless, Hopeless)

by Cerys du Lys

  She still remembered it, his eyes lacking focus and his mouth slightly agape, not staring at her but through her. "Leave," he said. "Please, I don't want any trouble."

  He did give her a silver coin, though. She kept it with her all this time, even now, seven years later. For some reason it seemed too precious to spend, as if it was something of a keepsake, a special memory. She begged and pleaded with the blacksmith to poke a hole through it (which he did in exchange for a week of hard labor). Then she scrounged and saved up for two weeks, performing arduous tasks for a fraction of their worth, so she could buy a leather cord from the tanner. It would have only taken her one week, but the man refused to sell anything to her for less than double its regular cost.

  It didn't matter, though. Solace owned a necklace now, made from fine leather with the silver coin as a pendant. She wore it everywhere and refused to part with it. People offered her this or that in attempts to get her to sell it, but she refused them. Some even acted nice as a ruse, asking politely if they could see it, but she said no.

  After that, some acted not so nice and she'd gained more than a few bruises, but it never went too far.

  One man was nice to her after that, though. Nice enough, at least. He let her into the church basement, down to their library, where he let her borrow books in exchange for performing secretarial duties. She organized shelves and helped him rewrite sections if necessary, or she delivered letters he needed sent. He paid her fairly, too, except the church didn't have much money to spare. Still, instead of coins, he let her sleep in the stables at night and borrow books, and he offered her dinner if the church had food to spare. When it was too cold, he sometimes snuck her into the library where she could huddle in the corner beneath blankets and hope no one came in and saw her. Mostly no one ever did, but if necessary she snuck through one of the basement windows and spent the night in the chill, wintry outdoors.

  And that was enough. A little kindness was enough for Solace, for always. Just a bit to let her know that at least one person didn't absolutely despise her. With that knowledge, she survived until the next day, over and over, and even if someone spat on her and called her rude names, she continued to smile and hum to herself.

  ...

  "It's happening soon," Thomas said. He was the little Miller boy, and on an errand from his parents to get his church pants stitched. "That's what they say, at least. Have you seen it before, Solace?"

  "You shouldn't act too friendly with me," she said. "Remember what happened last time?"

  Thomas winced. Once before, he'd helped Solace pick up some tatters of cloth she'd dropped on her way to the tailors and his parents had spanked him so hard for it that he couldn't sit for a week. "Yeah, well, you won't tell anyone, will you?"

  She laughed, a quiet, gentle titter. "I won't, but if someone overhears..."

  "I don't know why everyone hates you, anyways," Thomas said, growing bolder. "You ain't never done nothing wrong, right? Did you steal or do a crime or anything? I think you're real nice, Solace, and you're always happy, so I don't get it."

  "I'm not so useful," she said. "I mess up a lot of things. I try very hard, but trying isn't enough sometimes. I do manage to get by and that's good enough for me for now, though. Some day..."

  "I'll marry you," Thomas said, all of a sudden. "Then if anyone says something mean, I'll punch 'em! Beat them up good so they never do it again."

  Solace laughed. "Will you? I'm almost twice as old as you. I don't think it'll work out."

  "I'm turning twelve in a month," Thomas said, matter-of-factly.

  "I'll bake you a cake."

  "No, actually, you won't." A man entered the church stables where she was doing her mending and sneered at her. "Take your pants and go, boy, before I tell your parents you were talking with this wretched whore."

  "She's not a whore!" Thomas said.

  The man, Levi, stared at Thomas for half a second before bringing his arm back and smacking the boy upside the head.

  "No!" Solace said. "It's true, Thomas. I am. That's why Father William lets me stay here in the stables. I take care of the horses very well." She nodded fast when Levi started to grin. "Here are your pants," she said, handing them to Thomas. "You're free to go now. No charge, since I'm sure the mending isn't very good."

  "But..." Thomas took the pants from her, holding them in one shaky fist.

  "No, nothing. Out. I'm done. Go away now. Go." She shooed him towards the stable entrance, pushing him along the first step of the way. Gentle, yet firm, until he continued on his own, walking off, quiet and confused.

  Once Thomas was out of sight, Levi leered at her. "I've heard that's why Father William keeps you around. I'd love to see it sometime. What do you say? A copper for a show? I'll give you two if it's good and you let the stallion mount you. Maybe I'll even fuck you myself after, so you know what a real man's cock is like for once."

  "The horses are out for the day," Solace said. "Father William wouldn't allow it, either. I can't, Levi."

  The man scrunched up his brow, looking furious. She knew he wanted to press the matter, to force her to fuck the beasts in front of him, except he wouldn't. A good thing, too, since she'd never done it and never planned to, but Father William wouldn't allow Levi to force her into it, either. In Glenwood, the word of the church was practically the law, so someone like Levi wouldn't go against a priest even if Father William was a senile old man.

  "Fine," he said. "For now. Actually, maybe it's for the best, anyways. Here. This is for you."

  He shoved a piece of rolled up parchment into her hands, grinning.

  "What is it?" she asked.

  "Read it," he said. "Or should I read it for you? I don't expect someone like you knows more than a few simple words. Unroll it and I'll do that. Be quick. I don't have all day."

  She stood up and unrolled the parchment, eying it over. Of course she could read, but she didn't want Levi knowing that. The townspeople already called her enough mean names, and she didn't want "witch" added to the lot. If they found any excuse to tie rocks to her feet and drown her, they might take it.

  He stepped behind her and pressed his body close to hers. She could feel the hardness and length of his manhood beneath his clothes, pushing against her firm rear. Leaning over her shoulder, breathing hard against her neck, he smacked one hand on her stomach while the other roamed across her breasts. As he read aloud from the parchment, he fondled and groped her.

  She tried to ignore him, reading along too to see if he would lie to her, but he wouldn't stop touching her.

  "The Glenwood high council," he said, squeezing her left breast, "must soon send an eligible woman into the Forest of Sacrifice as a bride for the Demon King. This is a tradition that has continued—" He emphasized the last word by twisting her reluctantly hardened nipple. "—for centuries and is necessary in order to retain peace with the monstrous host."

  When Levi paused, focusing more on molesting her chest than on reading the parchment, Solace cleared her throat. "What else?"

  "Hold on, slut. It's not like you have anywhere to go, do you? Or are you excited for the horses to return?"

  "No, but—"

  "But what?" he asked, his voice harsh and demanding. Without warning, he shoved her to the ground. Not hard, but enough to startle her. Her knees scraped against the rough, straw covered dirt and she dropped the parchment. "You think you're too good for me, Solace? Is that it? You want to know what the rest of this parchment says, do you? Here's what it says. We're sending you as the damn bride for that sick demon fuck, and there's nothing you can do about it."

  "I wasn't..." She backed away, offering him a reticent smile. "It's alright, Levi. I just wanted to know."

  "You know what it means to be his bride? It's not some special wonderful marriage filled with love and happiness, Solace. It's awful pain and hurt. Every hundred years this happens, and the council knows it's awful, but they do it anyways. What's one useless woman's pain compared to peace for the whole
town? Nothing, that's what. The Demon King's going to fuck you raw and fill your belly with some monster baby. Except it's not birth you go through, it's being eaten from the inside out. That demonspawn's going to gnaw at your insides once it grows. Slow at first, until it gets hungrier and hungrier, then it's going to pop out one day, eat right through your stomach, and devour the rest of you as its first meal. What do you think of that?"

  Solace shivered. It sounded awful, but it was just a story, right? She didn't know much about the Demon King or the monstrous host, but she'd read a little about them in the church library books. Every so often an ogre or a troll wandered into Glenwood and wanted to purchase something from the market, too. All the townspeople quieted, trying to pretend they weren't scared, but it was so easy to see through their act. Solace might have been scared, too, but the monsters looked so fascinating. Once, except she probably imagined it, she even thought one smiled at her. A crooked, wicked smile, but not altogether unpleasant. A friendly gesture from a creature completely unused to friendliness. Or that's what she wanted to think.

  "If I want to take you right here and now, by force or what have you, I could, you know?" Levi said, ignoring her trembling. "It's not like anyone cares, anyways. If I raped you, so what? They're sending you to the Demon King, so you're as good as dead already."

  He loomed over her, pressing closer. His boots crunched against the brittle straw with every step he took, ominous and dark. He stared down at her, his expression a mix of taboo excitement and fierce anger.

  "I think I'm gonna do it," he said. "I'll fuck you so hard you won't have room in your belly for any demonspawn. And you know what? He'll just try all the harder, over and over, and you'll scream. I'll listen for it, Solace. When the wind blows on a quiet night, I'll listen for your screams coming from their wretched underground city and I'll smile."

  "No," she said, smiling at him, trying to be happy. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she shook her head. "You don't mean that, Levi. I'm so happy, though. Really, I am. I'm so happy that I can help Glenwood. I'll gladly go to the Demon King for everyone. I want to help."

  "That's enough."

  Father William walked into the stables. Despite his need for a cane, he looked stately in his priest robes. Straining to keep his back straight, he glanced over what was going on.

  "Father," Levi said, regaining his usual self and losing his predatory leer. "Sorry. I was just delivering a message for Solace. From the high council."

  "I heard what you were doing," Father William said. "Are you done?"

  "Yes, Father." Levi kicked at the parchment with the toe of his boot. "Done and delivered. Right, Solace?"

  "Yes," Solace said. "Thank you, Levi. I appreciate it."

  All of a sudden he changed again. Levi turned on her, glared at her, and sneered. "Don't thank me for nothing, you whore. It wouldn't even be rape if I fucked you, because you'd like it. I'm just not gonna do it because it'd be the same as fucking a corpse. You're as good as dead now being the Demon King's bride."

  Father William stared at the man, head low, silent. Without another word, Levi stomped out of the stables and left. Solace scurried up, brushing straw from her simple dress and getting to her feet.

  "Father William, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I don't know what came over me."

  "Shush, child," the priest said. "You always accept blame when it isn't yours to accept. You've done it forever and I don't know how you can put up with it."

  She shrugged. "I can get better. I can always be a better person. It's not right to place blame on others when there's room for self-improvement."

  "Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to take the blame for everything, you know?" Father William sighed and shook his head, then his eyes lit up and he grinned mischievously. "Would you like a strawberry? I just picked them. There's a small bush nearby. Only two were ripe, but I'm sure they're delicious."

  "Oh no," she said. "They're yours."

  "Shut up and take the damn strawberry!" He hobbled forward and held it out for her in the palm of his hand.

  'Yes!" she yelped. "Sorry! Fine." Stuffing the berry past her lips, she chewed it dutifully.

  "How is it?" he asked, plopping the other strawberry into his mouth. "Oh, my. This is delightful."

  "It's very good," she said with her mouth full.

  It was better than good because it was the first thing she'd eaten all day, but she didn't want to tell him that.

  ...

  "Let me take a look at that," Father William said, snatching the parchment from her. He scanned through the document quickly, muttering the words as he read. "Well, yes. Alright."

  "Alright what?" Solace asked.

  "It is what it is. You're going to be a wife."

  "To the Demon King?" she asked. "Is he really as awful as Levi said?"

  "Probably. Maybe worse. He is a demon, afterall. Can't expect much from them. You'd be surprised, though. A few are alright."

  "Don't they come into town sometimes and buy goods from the market?"

  "Not the demons, Solace. The ones you are thinking of are lesser monsters from the host. If Thomas, that dear Miller boy, is like a troll, then the Demon King is more like Levi. Personality-wise, at least. Or," he added, "that's what the records indicate, anyways. I can't say I've met the man myself. I doubt I'd want to, though. Harsh, harsh words in those books. I can scarcely manage to read them, that's how bad it is."

  "Where are they?" she asked, curious. "Can I read one?"

  Father William furrowed his brow, hesitant. "I don't suppose it'd hurt. Sad to say, but..."

  "I'm going to die," she said. "I know."

  "It's tradition," Father William said, his voice tinged with sadness. "Your name will be marked down in the history books, though. It's a noble sacrifice, really. Maybe not now, but..."

  "If it will help Glenwood, I don't mind," Solace said, doing her best to smile. "It really won't be too bad. I'll just remember everyone and how I'm helping them, and I won't be able to stop smiling no matter what happens. I think I'll be very happy."

  "If you say so, child." Father William frowned. "I keep those books locked in my room. It's better that way, no prying eyes. Wait here and I'll fetch them for you. I don't suppose too many people will bother you today so you'll have plenty of time to read."

  "I know," she said. According to the parchment, she needed to leave Glenwood tomorrow afternoon. An escort would bring her to the edge of the Forest of Sacrifice where members of the monstrous host waited. The monsters would bring her the rest of the way to the Demon King and leave the escorts a sigil confirming the Demon King's acceptance of continued peace towards Glenwood for the next one hundred years.

  Which meant, mostly if anything, the townspeople would spend today gossiping and discussing Solace's fate instead of harassing her. Tomorrow, though, before she left, she knew they'd come. They'd call her names and berate her and tell her this was the only thing she was good for.

  And, she knew, all she would do was smile.

  Tonight, though, she could read. Read and prepare. She didn't want to cry or frown or anything. She wouldn't call back to them and negate their claims. She needed to remain strong and sure and let them remember her as a hero, the woman who offered herself to the Demon King in order to save everyone and keep peace.

  She knew she needed to do this, but why did it seem so hard and impossible?

  ...

  "Do you have any questions, Solace?" Mayor Bennett asked her.

  "No, sir," she answered.

  He nodded, his expression austere. "Alright. With this, I announce you absolved of all crimes and treachery you have ever committed against the town of Glenwood. With this, and my authority as mayor, the woman, Solace, shall now be marked as one of the willing sacrifices for the Demon King, a hero, to wed him and do as he sees fit. Solace, you will bridge the gap between the monstrous host and the humans so that we may keep our peace for another century. Glenwood thanks you."

  Solace could
n't remember having committed any crimes or treachery against anyone, let alone against Glenwood. She didn't know what to say, wasn't sure how to react, except to nod. Maybe, perhaps, she'd done something she didn't know about? What, though?

  Standing in the middle of town on a hastily erected platform set up for just this occasion, she tried to remember. The only thing that came to mind was what always happened, though. Everyone hated her for their own reasons, and she understood that she wasn't perfect, but was that a crime? If her stitches to Thomas's church pants weren't exceptional, with just one minor mistake, was that treachery? Or was it something before that?

  She never knew her parents, since they'd died when she was young. Maybe it had something to do with them. Father William knew them, but the only thing he told her was that she was barely one year old when they passed. He refused to elaborate and said that doing so would ruin their memory. She sensed something more from him, though, something he didn't want to tell her. Since he was the only one who acted kindly to her, she didn't want to press the issue and make him reconsider his opinion of her.

  Two men walked up the steps of the platform and stood at her sides. They said something to the mayor, then they each took one of her arms and escorted her off the platform. Men and women muttered all sorts of things as she walked with her guards. Some said nothing important, treating this day like any other, while others whispered about her fate and what would happen. No one seemed concerned in as much as they sounded curious about the specifics involved.

  In fact, quite a few people acted the opposite of concerned. Mayor Bennett said she was a hero, but these people still despised her.

  "Good riddance," one man said, more than loud enough for her to hear.

  "Thank the gods we're done with her," Mrs. Miller said to her husband.

  Thomas watched her walk away, silent and teary-eyed. She smiled at him, hoping to reassure him, but she couldn't stand to look at him for long. If she did, if she continued smiling at him, she knew she would cry.