The Hen Party

by Cathy Bramley

  ‘You’ve been obsessed with mermaids since primary school,’ Molly said, wriggling her legs into a very tight orange and pink Lycra sheath. She looked incredibly sexy in hers. If anyone was going to lure men on to the rocks with a siren song, it was Molly. ‘I’m so happy you’ve made this happen.’

  ‘I know. Remember how jealous I was of Madison when I realized she’d been named after the mermaid in that film Splash?’ She turned to me to explain. ‘Molly’s little sister Madison was in my class.’

  Molly snorted. ‘And on careers day Madison said you got in trouble because you filled in your career form saying you wanted to be a mermaid and your key skills were keeping your eyes open under water and holding your breath.’

  ‘That horrible Mr Norton had no imagination. He wanted me to learn touch-typing.’ Eliza pulled a face.

  The pink in her hair matched her tail perfectly and her bikini top, which was doing its best to protect her modesty, had tiny shells knitted together with silver thread. She looked ethereal and beautiful and completely elated.

  ‘I definitely couldn’t see you cooped up in an office, typing all day long,’ I said.

  ‘There was no chance of that. I had a vision, I knew I could make it happen. I had a job in an underwater-themed restaurant in Australia for two months. They had a tank behind the bar and I used to swim backwards and forwards and wave at the customers. Best job ever.’

  ‘That was a real job?’ I said, never having considered that there was such a demand for mermaids before meeting Eliza.

  ‘She’s a brilliant swimmer,’ said Molly proudly. ‘Very powerful legs.’

  ‘So how did you end up running a gift shop?’

  ‘Oh, you know, parental commitments,’ Eliza said.

  No, I thought wryly, not having experienced much in the way of commitment from mine.

  Eliza hopped in front of the mirror and pulled us either side of her and while we gazed at our reflections, preening and twisting from side to side, she told us how she’d taken over the shop for her mum, who’d gone to live with her sister in Wales. Her first task had been to change the name from Seaside Tackle to Mermaid Gift and Gallery. Her second had been to turn a profit for the first time in a long time and only then could she start working on her own plan to open a mermaid school in Brightside Cove.

  ‘And this summer, I will,’ she said, tilting her chin up. ‘With the help of you two, my Siren Sisters.’

  ‘Isn’t that a town in the Cotswolds?’ Molly sniggered, nudging Eliza.

  ‘I should send that teacher a picture of us dressed up,’ said Eliza. ‘Prove him wrong.’

  ‘As long as I can do this.’ I sucked in my stomach and turned sideways.

  ‘No!’ Eliza gasped in mock horror. ‘Being a mermaid is about having the body confidence to say this is who we are, we’re real!’

  Molly and I exchanged amused glances but the irony of mermaids being ‘real’ was lost on Eliza.

  ‘I want women to come and have the most amazing day, to feel beautiful, to celebrate their bodies whatever they look like and to connect with their inner beauty. And I want to put Brightside Cove on the map as having its very own mermaid school.’

  ‘That’s really inspiring.’ I looked at Eliza afresh; her ambitions might have been different to mine, but there was a steely determination behind those vivid blue eyes that I’d not seen until today.

  ‘Says the famous actress,’ Eliza retorted.

  I shook my head. ‘I’m only famous for my mistake, not my acting. Normally, I get people coming up to me and saying, “Have we met? Do I know you?” But one day I plan to be famous for my talents.’

  ‘Your goals make mine look a bit dull,’ said Molly, wrinkling her nose. ‘All I want is for my business to be successful so I can support my boy and never let him down like his dad did.’

  ‘Aww.’ Eliza hugged her. ‘You could never let Ellis down.’

  Molly’s words transported me back to something Archie had said when he was little. That he wanted to be a successful businessman when he grew up, so he could look after Mum and me and never let us down. He’d done it, too. My only regret for him was that he seemed to be so wrapped up in his work that he’d never given himself the chance to fall in love. And he was such a lovely man; he deserved someone to love him.

  Molly was still talking, listing the simple things she’d like to do: pay her bills without worrying, learn to drive ready for when Ellis started school in September, save up to take him on holiday to Disneyworld because he was a massive Disney fan … Selfless things. Which made my goals feel very selfish.

  ‘What is your business?’ I asked, picking up my brush and running it through my hair.

  ‘A bit of washing and ironing for people.’ She shrugged. ‘Just fitting in around Ellis.’

  ‘Do you do laundry for holiday lets?’ I asked, remembering how much washing the Bird family had generated during their week’s stay.

  ‘I would if there were any,’ said Molly. ‘Tourism hasn’t quite made it to this part of Devon.’

  ‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘But I reckon if the three of us work together, it could be quite a summer for Brightside Cove.’

  My phone began to buzz and Eliza handed it to me.

  ‘If that’s Idris Elba,’ she said, ‘it’s probably for me.’

  It was Trudy FaceTiming me. Molly began fiddling with Eliza’s hair to make it more mermaidy and I took my phone to the window to talk to Trudy in London. At least I assumed it was London, it was very dark and there were two pale sticks behind her head.

  ‘I wish you had mobile reception in that remote location of yours,’ Trudy hissed at the screen. ‘So I could phone you like a normal person, I could really do without you being able to see me.’

  They were legs behind her, I realized, in high heels.

  ‘Are you kneeling on the floor?’

  ‘Yes, I’m hiding behind the counter at work and I might have a booking for your cottages. Someone special.’

  ‘One of your Harrods clients?’

  ‘My best client.’

  ‘I love you, Trudy!’ My heart tweaked with joy. Having a reservation would be a real boost to our otherwise empty diary and maybe Theo would get his free word-of-mouth advertising sooner than planned.

  Trudy pulled a face. ‘Hear me out first; you might not be so keen. I told her all about you in your exclusive hideaway, about the sea salt facials and al fresco clean eating last week and she wants to hold her hen party there.’

  ‘That’s great!’ I said, before registering what she’d just said. ‘Oh. You know, I didn’t really have a facial, it was just the bracing air and we only ate breakfast al fresco because the kitchen wasn’t finished.’ And I was no expert but I didn’t think bacon sandwiches constituted clean eating.

  ‘I know that now!’ she said in a panicky voice. ‘But I’d already told Sapphire Spencer by then.’

  ‘The Sapphire Spencer?’ Eliza and Molly immediately forced their faces next to mine to see the screen.

  That was what I was striving for, I thought wryly, a reaction like that at the mere mention of my name.

  ‘From Maidens of Mayfair?’ Eliza squawked.

  ‘She’s my favourite,’ Molly exclaimed.

  Trudy’s eyes widened as the women moved closer to the screen. ‘Shush! She’s the other side of the counter waiting for the go-ahead. Nina could literally save her life. Who are you two?’

  I introduced everybody, at which point Trudy noticed we were dressed as mermaids and we had a short discussion about the practicalities of being half woman, half fish, like how to slip elegantly from the rocks into the sea without pulling a muscle and what to do if you need a wee, until Trudy was tapped on the back by her co-worker and forced to serve a customer.

  ‘I’ll be right back,’ she whispered. The screen went black as we disappeared into her pocket.

  Eliza and I flopped on the bed while Molly took out her own phone and texted her neighbour to extend Ellis’s play date agai
n.

  ‘I can’t leave now, not while we’re in Harrods talking to Sapphire Spencer. And just so you’re not in any doubt, Nina,’ she said solemnly, ‘we are definitely friends.’

  ‘And if Brightside Holidays is going to host a hen party, you are definitely going to get the contract to do our laundry too,’ I said, feeling more pleased with myself by the second as Molly kicked her tail in the air with joy.

  ‘This is the best day of my life,’ said Eliza.

  ‘I met Sapphire at a party once,’ I said. ‘She’s got a doctorate in entomology but the producers make her pretend to be dim on screen.’

  Sapphire Spencer was as glamorous and gorgeous as her name suggested. She and the rest of the cast of the reality show about rich girls living in luxury in London had been at the same X Factor after party as me last Christmas.

  ‘We met by the vodka luge and Sapphire confided that research had been conducted on ice cubes in public places and had found eleven strains of bacteria including E. coli, listeria and campo-something. I stuck to wine after that.’

  Eliza was speechless. I wasn’t sure what had shocked her more: Sapphire’s brains or ice-cube germs.

  ‘The nearest I’ve ever been to a celebrity is Big Dave,’ said Molly. ‘Until I met you, of course.’

  It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what his claim to fame was, but just then Trudy FaceTimed us again, still hiding under the counter.

  ‘Right. Down to business. Sapphire is starting to flap and her driver is waiting outside.’

  ‘Then just tell her yes,’ I said simply, ‘she can come whenever she likes, how many are in her party?’

  ‘Are they filming it for TV?’ Eliza whispered, gripping my arm in her excitement. ‘Cos that’s absolutely fine.’

  ‘No, no, no. This has to be top secret. Total media blackout until after the wedding. Promise?’ Trudy wagged a finger at us until we promised. I made a mental note to make sure Eliza’s brother understood too.

  ‘Okay, here are the details: she gets married in two weeks to a Canadian called Brad. Her hen weekend has to start tomorrow because her friends are packing as we speak, expecting a stay in a luxury Scottish hotel.’

  ‘Tomorrow?’ I echoed, mentally baulking at what still needed doing.

  ‘Yes,’ Trudy continued, ‘and the location has been leaked to the media and the hotel manager has called to say he can’t guarantee her privacy. So she’s had to cancel due to a press exclusivity clause with the wedding magazine My Dream Day. She needs somewhere else: undiscovered, with a pamper package and excellent food. For twelve guests. I thought of you.’

  I exchanged glances with Molly and Eliza. Sapphire’s original plan sounded very high end. Driftwood Lodge was lovely, but the potholes in the drive and the second-hand garden furniture and budget kitchen utensils didn’t really scream luxury.

  ‘What do you think, girls?’ I said to the others. ‘Theo can certainly use the money.’

  ‘And Kate would be really impressed.’ Molly’s eyes shone. ‘I can do Indian head massage.’ She cleared her throat. ‘Sort of.’

  ‘And we can concoct some sort of salt-water facial between us,’ said Eliza. ‘How hard can it be?’

  I didn’t answer; I was doing a bed count. We could just about squeeze them in. ‘What about the excellent food bit? My repertoire runs to pasta and cakes, and Theo isn’t much better.’

  ‘It’s two for one on mussels at The Sea Urchin on Saturday, remember,’ Eliza suggested.

  ‘How could I forget,’ I said.

  ‘There’s a company in Thymeford that delivers dinner party food called Deliciously Devon,’ Molly said.

  That was more like it. We could buy the food in; it would cost more, but at least the quality would be guaranteed. I gave Molly a thumbs-up.

  ‘We can do it but it will cost a lot of money,’ I warned Trudy.

  ‘So that’s a yes.’ Trudy exhaled and fanned her face. ‘Hallelujah. I’ll put you on to Sapphire.’

  There was a flurry of yelps and hair smoothing beside me as Sapphire Spencer appeared on the screen. Her white-blonde hair was styled into a sleek pixie cut and a lace bra strap peaked out from her off-the shoulder top. I held my phone at arm’s length to get all three of us in view for her.

  ‘Hey, everyone.’ She gave us a little wave.

  ‘Hey, Sapphire!’ Molly and Eliza chorused coyly.

  ‘Nina, how are you coping with all the media attention? Takes some getting used to, doesn’t it?’

  I smiled. ‘I’m glad to be away from it, to be honest; I don’t know how you do it.’

  ‘Trudy told me all about your secret location,’ she said in a low voice. ‘And I just knew it would be perfect for us.’

  ‘We’d be delighted to have you and your hens as our guests at Brightside Holidays,’ I said. I didn’t like to tell her that since being revealed by Danny, it was no longer exactly ‘secret’. ‘It’ll be a bit more rough and ready than your planned Scottish weekend, but the welcome will be warm.’

  ‘Oh, we can do rough, that’s no problem,’ said Sapphire airily, ‘and all we want is a total getaway from the hurly-burly of London.’

  ‘We can certainly offer you that,’ I said.

  ‘I shouldn’t really say this,’ Sapphire leaned closer to the screen and lowered her voice, ‘but the magazine is footing the bill, and they’re blaming an internal leak for the press intrusion, so money is no object.’

  Behind Sapphire I could see and hear the hubbub and the opulence of Harrods, the elegant clientele passing through the beauty department and the glamorous staff wafting bottles of perfume. Then I looked up and caught sight of the three of us in the mirror in our bikini tops and fish tails. The situation was so ridiculous and surreal that the urge to laugh was almost too much to bear.

  ‘I’ll bear that in mind when I put the menus together,’ I replied.

  ‘I am so grateful.’ Sapphire pressed her slim fingers to her chest. A rock almost big enough for a mermaid to dive off glinted from her ring finger and it distracted me so much that the phone in my hand dipped showing Sapphire our outfits.

  Sapphire’s jaw dropped. ‘Are you …? Did I just see …?’

  ‘Yes. You did just see three mermaids.’ I began to laugh.

  ‘We’re the Siren Sis— Ouch.’ Eliza rubbed her ribs as Molly jabbed her.

  ‘My sister loves mermaids; she is going to adore this!’ Sapphire squealed. ‘This is going to be fabulous!’

  Within minutes the deal was done: Trudy had made her best client very happy, the mermaid school had officially accepted its first students, Brightside Holidays had taken its largest, most lucrative booking ever and Molly, thanks to the promise of a significant amount of laundry, was going to have some money left over from paying the bills this month. Theo, who’d never heard of Sapphire Spencer or Maidens of Mayfair, was nonetheless blown away by his sudden change in fortune and didn’t even notice we were dressed as mermaids when we called the men upstairs.

  Archie did. Or rather he noticed how ravishing Molly looked, and I had a feeling we’d be seeing him quite a bit more regularly in Brightside Cove from now on.

  My head was still spinning when I climbed into bed that night. Tomorrow, all three cottages would be full to bursting with twelve women all ready for a good time, all expecting the weekend of their lives. Brightside Cove might be tiny compared to London, but there was never a dull moment …

  Chapter 6

  Dawn at Brightside Cove was my favourite time of day and the next morning I ventured down on the beach to greet it. The air was still and the sea was calm. The tide had washed away yesterday’s footprints from the sand and I tiptoed over it to perch on a rock and wait for the sun. There was no one else around but at the far end of the cove in the distance, a dog that could possibly have been Mabel the spaniel sniffed around in front of the lifeboat house, wagging its tail like a rudder. I shielded my eyes and searched for the owner – the man who’d shouted at me for not looking in my rear-view
mirror – but the dog appeared to be alone.

  I pulled my knees up to my chin and focused on the sound of the waves as the water whispered gently against the rocks. And, as the sun began to rise, I closed my eyes, feeling rather than seeing the start of a brand-new day, of new beginnings and almost certainly the most exciting thing to happen in Brightside Cove for a very long time: the Maidens of Mayfair would be here in less than twelve hours and we were going to give them a weekend they’d never forget.

  At eleven o’clock I pulled on a jacket and shut Mittens safely in the kitchen before heading into the village. Theo had been dispatched on a shopping expedition to stock up on thick towels, scented candles and twelve towelling robes, and Molly and I had given all three cottages a thorough clean and made all the beds.

  She had strong views on our choice of bedding. We had, it seemed, made several errors from a laundry expert’s point of view.

  ‘Better to get larger flat sheets than fitted ones,’ she said as we stretched corners under the master bed in Penguin’s Pad. ‘They take up less room in the linen cupboard because they fold flatter and they’re quicker to iron. And quicker,’ she added, ‘means I charge you less.

  ‘And polyester cotton rather than pure cotton,’ she commented about the lovely Egyptian cotton pillowcases that Archie had chosen during that mad dash when we were waiting for our first arrivals. ‘It takes less time to dry, and on a wet weekend in November, you’ll thank me for it.’

  By then, I was hoping that it would be Kate doing the thanking, but I took her point.

  Molly had strong views on men too, ‘all men are knobs’ being a favourite. Her ex-husband, Steve, now lived thirty miles away with the twenty-three-year-old trainee from his architect’s practice.

  ‘And thirty miles on Devonshire roads is equivalent to sixty anywhere else. He only sees Ellis twice a month,’ she said, flapping towels furiously, adding, ‘the knob.’

  But at least he did see him, I thought with a pang, wondering for the millionth time why my own father had disappeared so completely from our lives.