The Hen Party

by Cathy Bramley

  ‘Not to mention me dying of cold.’

  Danny came running back up the beach. ‘Hurry up, sis. The sun is hitting the rock just right and the sea looks like mercury through the lens and the water is just about shallow enough so I can stand in it to take the shot.’

  I whipped my shirt off and tried to ignore the chorus of wolf whistles from the surfers. ‘Yes, hurry up, it’s not mermaid weather,’ I agreed, wrapping my arms round myself.

  ‘You’ll have to carry her out,’ said Eliza with a frown. ‘And plonk her on the rock.’

  ‘Place me down gently, she means,’ I added.

  ‘Sure.’ Danny swung me up into his arms and immediately staggered. ‘Oof. You’re heavier than you look.’ He lowered me to the sand and pulled an apologetic face. ‘No, can’t do it. The sea floor is rocky and under that weight, I’m bound to slip.’

  My cheeks went pink. ‘This isn’t quite the magical experience I thought it was going to be.’

  ‘We’ll do it between us,’ Eliza suggested, giving him a sharp look. ‘Danny, you take the tail end to make sure it doesn’t get wet. I’ll take the top half.’

  ‘It?’ I said pointedly. ‘No, listen, there’s a seat lift I had to do once for a scene on Victory Road. Let me show you.’

  I looped my arms around their necks and they interlocked their hands, grasping me under my thighs and behind my back. Eliza had beach shoes on but Danny kicked off his flip-flops and left them on the sand.

  ‘One two three, go,’ Eliza commanded and we set off towards the water.

  After only a few paces, I began to list towards her.

  ‘This would be much better if you two were the same height,’ I gasped.

  ‘Shut up and concentrate on feeling mystical and powerful and at one with the water,’ she giggled.

  ‘Not easy when you’re trying to keep your tail dry,’ I said breathlessly. It took all of my core strength to keep my legs out of the sea, my stomach muscles were trembling. ‘I think I’m getting fin flop.’

  ‘I’ll bend my knees, to make myself shorter,’ Danny offered.

  He crouched a bit, which did help, but the camera dangling round his neck swung forward and hit my head and I cried out in pain.

  ‘I think I should have had a stunt double for this bit,’ I said, wincing. ‘Or at least be paid danger money.’

  Behind us a dog started to bark.

  ‘Mabel!’ called a man’s voice.

  ‘I know that dog.’ And I recognized the man’s voice too. I craned my neck to try to look behind me, but Eliza and Danny’s grip on me was too tight.

  ‘Wave alert!’ Eliza yelled. They lifted me up and I raised my tail as much as I could over the rushing water to stay dry.

  ‘So do I,’ said Danny warily. ‘It’s Jude’s. Daft as a brush and doesn’t obey a word he says.’

  ‘Keep going!’ Eliza ordered.

  We were halfway to the rock. Suddenly Danny stubbed his toe on something on the seabed and swore loudly. The pair of them stumbled and I felt their arms loosen round my back.

  ‘Do not drop me!’ I yelled, with a laugh. ‘I’ve done some crazy things in my career, but this takes the biscuit.’

  Danny winced. ‘I’m all right,’ he said, ‘don’t worry about me.’

  ‘That was a close shave.’ Eliza exhaled with relief.

  ‘Unlike Nina’s armpits,’ said Danny under his breath. ‘It’s like having a cuddle with Harambe the gorilla.’

  ‘I have no idea why you’re still single,’ I muttered.

  The barking was suddenly very loud and awfully close and I screamed as freezing-cold sea water splashed up my back.

  ‘Jeez,’ Danny yelped. ‘It’s nipping at my bum.’

  ‘Nina, that’s your fault for saying “biscuit”,’ said Eliza with a snort.

  ‘Mabel, come back!’ yelled a voice in the distance.

  ‘Get off!’ Danny yelled. ‘Go away, dog. Jude, help!’

  ‘What’s happening?’ I said, trying to turn round. In my peripheral vision I caught a flash of brown and white fur as the dog leapt up out of the water and Danny’s hold on me loosened.

  ‘Moonie!’ yelled a voice and a roar of laughter rose up from the surfers who were now all lying flat on their boards and paddling towards us.

  ‘Shoo,’ shouted Eliza, kicking out with her leg to splash the dog. ‘Danny, do not let go!’

  ‘I’ve got to,’ he shouted, as they staggered in the water, which was now up to Eliza’s thighs. ‘The bloody dog has pulled my wetsuit bottoms down with its teeth.’

  Eliza let out a hoot of laughter.

  ‘Don’t make me laugh,’ I howled, ‘my stomach muscles are killing me.’

  ‘I’m going to have to let go, Nina,’ Danny gasped. ‘I need to pull my wetsuit up. I’ve got a reputation to maintain.’

  ‘I want to look,’ I demanded.

  ‘No way,’ said Eliza, ‘both of you. We’re nearly there now. Anyway, you do not want to look, take it from me.’

  ‘Bloody hell,’ said a male voice sploshing towards us. ‘That’s something you don’t see every day.’

  ‘Yeah. Luckily,’ said Eliza. ‘I haven’t seen it since we used to have to share a bath as kids.’

  ‘I meant the mermaid.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Jude,’ Danny cried. ‘Grab your dog. And yank my pants up for me while you’re at it.’

  ‘All right, no need to get arsey,’ Jude shouted back with a laugh.

  That rich warm laugh and the West Country dialect took me straight back to that near collision I’d had with the blue van, when he – Jude, apparently – had tooted his horn and criticized my driving. ‘She’s just trying to rescue your mermaid,’ he said. ‘She likes fish. Mabel, fetch!’

  I heard something plop into the water some distance from us and the dog gave a yelp of delight, splashing me again as she swam away. Then Jude waded towards us. His arm brushed against my skin as he yanked Danny’s wetsuit up. I was dying to see his face.

  ‘There you go, mate. All tucked away.’

  ‘About time,’ Danny muttered.

  ‘And Mabel’s right, I do need rescuing,’ I said through gritted teeth, focusing on the rock a couple of metres ahead, my stomach quivering with the effort of keeping my tail dry. ‘I need to put my legs down on dry land quickly.’

  ‘Bit of a design fault, isn’t it? A mermaid that can’t swim?’ said Jude, still out of my line of vision.

  ‘We’re opening up a new mermaid school in Brightside Cove; tourists will love it,’ said Eliza excitedly. ‘I’d give you a leaflet but I’ve got my hands full.’

  ‘A tourist gimmick?’ said Jude, wading in front of us to get a better look at me. ‘I’ll pass, thank you.’

  ‘Rude,’ said Eliza.

  ‘Bare-faced cheek, I call it,’ I put in, pleased with my own joke.

  ‘Oh. Er … hello,’ Jude pulled a face. ‘Have we met before?’

  He was wearing a baseball cap pulled low over his hazel eyes like last time. And he obviously hadn’t planned on getting wet: he was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, both of which were now wet and showing off his broad shoulders and muscular physique to full effect. I gave him an awkward smile, waiting for him to recognize me fom Victory Road. But he wasn’t looking at my face, he was gawping at my … I cast my eyes downwards. The shell-clad triangles of my bikini top had swivelled round and both boobs were totally bare.

  ‘Don’t look!’ I let go of both Danny’s and Eliza’s necks and attempted to cover myself.

  The unexpected manoeuvre unbalanced them both and I slipped backwards towards the water. My head got a dunking in the sea and my tail flipped up catching against something hard.

  ‘Ouch!’ yelled Jude. ‘That was my chin.’

  ‘Keep your tail up!’ Eliza squeaked before all three of us plunged underwater.

  The shock of the cold sea water stole the air from my lungs, my legs were trapped inside the tail and my heartbeat started to accelerate with panic. I hit the
seabed and flailed my arms about, desperate for oxygen and then suddenly strong arms yanked me to the surface and set me down on the rock. I coughed and panted, swiping my hair from my face. The little circlet had gone. And I was wet, the tail was wet and my make-up was probably in streaks down my face. Eliza was going to be so disappointed. But I was alive. My lungs were screaming with pain but I was alive.

  ‘I don’t think mermaids are supposed to drown, are they?’ I said through chattering teeth.

  ‘You okay?’

  I rubbed salt water from my eyes.

  ‘That was your fault,’ I gasped, ‘for staring at my boobs!’

  ‘My fault? I just saved your life.’ Jude glared at me.

  ‘Now we’ve all seen them,’ said Danny, cocking an eyebrow, ‘we might as well do some topless shots.’

  ‘No way!’ I muttered, folding my arms.

  Jude was still looking at me. ‘So have we met before?’

  ‘Actresses hate it when people say that,’ Eliza interrupted, staggering towards me to jam the headdress back on. ‘Here you go, not that we can actually do the shoot now: you look like a drowned rat.’

  Jude opened his mouth to say something but there was a sudden frenzy of barking, accompanied by some strident human yells of displeasure and we all looked back at the beach.

  ‘Whoops,’ said Danny, with a grin. ‘I think that mad dog of yours is at it again.’

  ‘Jude?’ one of the surfers yelled. ‘Your dog is attacking the man with the ladder.’

  ‘A ladder?’ Jude raised a hand to his eyes and squinted back to the shore.

  A small white van had parked beside the old lifeboat house and Mabel seemed intent on preventing a man from climbing a ladder that had been set up against the outside wall.

  ‘You’ve got to be joking,’ he muttered.

  ‘What’s going on?’ said Danny, using his camera to zoom in on the action.

  ‘If the council think they can sell off our heritage, they’re going to have a fight on their hands,’ muttered Jude, setting off towards the shore.

  ‘Who is he?’ I said once he was out of earshot.

  ‘Jude Trevone,’ said Danny, from behind the lens. ‘Incomer as a teenager. Reputation as the local bad boy – used to fight with anyone and everyone. No luck with the ladies, unlike me. I’m a lover not a fighter.’

  ‘Hmm,’ I said darkly, watching Jude run through the water and up the slipway towards the lifeboat house. ‘He certainly brings out the argumentative side in me.’

  ‘Ignore Danny,’ said Eliza. She beckoned me to stand up so she could peel off my tail and I tore my eyes away from the skirmish on the slipway. ‘Jude’s got a heart of gold under that tough exterior. He’s just fussy who he shares it with. Which as far as I know is no one apart from his dog.’

  Therein lay a tale. I made a mental note to ask her more about him when I wasn’t quite so close to freezing. My lips were going numb with cold and my teeth were chattering. Even Danny was starting to shiver.

  ‘What the—’ Danny’s jaw dropped and he lowered the camera to his goosepimply chest. He stared upwards, back towards land. ‘Look at that!’

  I jumped down from the rock into the sea and followed his gaze. Two white limousines appeared to be stuck on the narrow road up on the clifftop. All of sudden being a bit chilly was the least of my concerns.

  ‘Got to go,’ I yelled, half-swimming, half-running through the water to collect my clothes. ‘Brightside Holidays’ first hen party is on!’

  Chapter 8

  A few hours later I was back on the beach. The sun was beginning to disappear from view and the sea glowed like molten gold. It was a glorious evening and Theo’s idea to entertain our guests with a beach barbecue was going down a treat. We’d put everything into Theo’s van and reversed it down the slipway, setting up the barbecue to the side of the cove in the shelter of the rocks. We’d constructed a bar from a pasting table, and a plastic patio table had been commandeered to lay the food on, both covered with spotty tablecloths I’d found in a kitchen drawer. All the drinks were in cool boxes and a couple of the new buckets I’d bought from Jethro earlier had been filled with ice cubes.

  ‘These are done.’ Theo piled some foil-wrapped spicy salmon parcels on to the plate I was holding out for him. ‘I thought this cottage holidays lark would be simple. Just take the money and hand over the keys. I’ve no idea how people can hold down a normal nine-to-five job too.’

  ‘But this isn’t a normal booking, is it?’ I countered, pointing out a chicken leg that was in danger of incineration. ‘Normally bookings won’t consist of guests whose idea of cooking is to pour water on a green tea bag.’

  And even then one of them had chewed her lip and asked whether we had an instant boiling water tap. But tiny queries aside, so far, things had gone extremely smoothly. We’d been expecting a party of twelve, but one girl was missing; no one had mentioned her so I hadn’t asked.

  ‘True. And normally,’ he said, ‘our guests won’t all be fit women. I must be the luckiest bloke in Devon tonight.’

  ‘It’s a good job your wife didn’t hear you say that.’ I picked up my beer bottle and took a sip.

  ‘Hmm,’ he said with wry smile, brushing his raven curls off his face. ‘Kate hasn’t answered the last three emails I sent her. Even allowing for the time delay she could have managed to reply to at least one of them. So,’ he paused to chink his bottle against mine, ‘tonight I’m going to say what I like and enjoy myself.’

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to that but I remembered how badly he’d been coping when Archie and I had first come to Brightside Cove. Archie had described him as wetter than a mackerel’s bikini; at least now he appeared to have acquired a stiffer upper lip.

  Sapphire and her hens were spread across the curve of the beach, mostly drinks in hand, taking selfies, peering in rock pools and generally chilling out while we cooked the food. Her entourage consisted of five of the other girls from Maidens of Mayfair; her best friend Catherine; her younger sister Ruby; two younger cousins whose squeals when they’d seen a real-life chicken had sent the poor birds into a flap and up on to the garage roof and Sapphire’s university friend, Virginia, an academic who alternated between being star struck around the reality TV celebs and cross with herself for being impressed.

  After they’d arrived and we’d shown them to their cottages, we’d left them to their own devices while we set up the evening’s entertainment. Most of the group had opted to soak up the sun on the newly furnished patio with drinks in hand but three of them had set up a pop-up spray tan booth outside Beaver’s Barn and had appeared in bikinis to tan each other.

  The whole party had looked such fun, and for a minute I forgot that I was the host and I nearly stripped off, helped myself to a cocktail and joined them.

  Finally, the food was ready and I prepared to round everyone up.

  ‘Wait.’ Theo caught my arm. ‘Before the others join us, I just want to say how much I appreciate your help.’

  He smiled – a big face-stretching smile that lit up his eyes. ‘Celebrity guests, a full house, more money than I’ve earned in a very long time … You’ve made all this possible and I am very grateful.’

  ‘Not just me,’ I said, waving my beer bottle around awkwardly. ‘If Archie hadn’t bought your car—’

  ‘I know, I know.’ Theo gazed at me, his fingers warm on my skin. ‘It was lucky that he was able to stump up some cash just when I needed it, but you’ve done more than that. You’ve given me more than that. You listened to me when I needed to talk about Ivy. That was something I never managed to do with Kate. And you forced me to finish off the cottages even though I didn’t want to. And if you hadn’t been there when Joe Bird arrived expecting a holiday, I’d have turned him away and then none of this would be happening now.’

  He placed an arm round my waist and pressed a kiss to the side of my head. He was just being friendly, of course. And I’d hugged him lots of times before. But this time my ner
ve endings tingled and I wasn’t sure what had just happened.

  ‘You’re welcome. Okay then,’ I said, matter-of-factly. I stepped away and scanned the beach, conscious of a sudden rise in my pulse. ‘Let’s get this party started.’

  An hour later the food had been demolished and Theo had relinquished his role as chef. There was still enough light to see by as we cleared away and the hens had plenty of energy left too. I’d found some beach games in an outbuilding and brought them down to the beach, half expecting them to turn their noses up. Wrong! So far there had been a game of frisbee which had ended in two falling-over-in-the-sea incidents, a fierce bat-and-ball contest and Catherine, a born organizer, if a little too tipsy to remember the rules, had made everyone play rounders.

  I was scraping food in to a bin bag when Sapphire joined me.

  ‘This is just what I needed,’ she said, her breathing ragged from laughing so much. ‘Just letting our hair down without anyone watching us. I can see why you came here to rest between roles.’

  ‘Such a lovely way of referring to being an unemployed actor, isn’t it?’ I said with a grin. ‘Anyway, you wouldn’t call it a rest if you’d seen me making twelve beds this morning.’

  ‘Even though we only needed eleven in the end.’ Sapphire winced. ‘Sorry about that.’

  ‘No problem.’ I shrugged. ‘There’s always someone who has to drop out at the last minute in a large party.’

  ‘Actually,’ Sapphire reached into the bucket for a cool beer and flipped the cap off, ‘it was my decision not to let Poppy come. She’s the press officer for Maidens of Mayfair. I made up some ridiculous reason why she couldn’t. But next week I’m going to have to confront her about my suspicions.’

  ‘And what are your suspicions?’

  She opened her mouth and hesitated. ‘Shall we sit down?’

  We flopped into deckchairs and watched the others for a few seconds. Theo was building a fire from driftwood and the girls were cheering Catherine on as she waded into the chilly sea to look for the rounders ball.