Loyalty and Lies

by L A Cotton

  It wasn’t long before my eyes started to flicker shut and I drifted into oblivion.

  My eyes flew open and it took a second to realize that I was in my dorm room. The emergency light reflected off the wall, creating an amber glow. I sat frozen, listening for the noise that had woken me.

  I heard it again, something rapping on the window. My eyes strained, widening when they recognized Jackson’s silhouette. Scrubbing a hand over my face, I dragged myself over to the window and cracked it open, granting him access, before returning to the bed and switching on the lamp. My eyes immediately went to Jackson’s face, as he closed the window and stalked toward me, stopping just short of the bed. He looked worse now than he had this morning.

  "You texted?"

  "I'm sorry. I know you said no contact, but I had to know that you were okay after I saw you this..." The words lodged in my throat as I remembered seeing him with Briony. Briony all over him. "This morning."

  He studied me for a second and then repeated, "You texted." And I realized that he wasn't chastising me, he was surprised.

  I nodded. "I texted."

  "But after everything, after the things I said to you, how I acted..." His eyes dropped to the floor, full of shame, and the air in the room shifted. "You were supposed to hate me. To want nothing to do with me. You were supposed to move on," he said to himself more than to me.

  I looked up at him, willing him to look up. When he did, my eyes locked on his. "I had to know that you were okay."

  “Where’s your roommate?”

  I looked over at the noticeboard where Elena had scribbled a note. I hadn’t even heard her come back and leave again. “She’s at her boyfriend’s for the night.”

  His green eyes narrowed and heat spread through me, flushing my cheeks.

  It all happened so fast.

  One minute Jackson was standing at the edge of the bed, the next he was stalking toward me, pressing me back into the mattress, his body bearing down on mine.

  The air left my lungs.

  I couldn't think.

  He stared down at me, his eyes searching mine. For what, I wasn't sure. And then they dropped to my mouth and desire shot through me.

  I wanted him.

  And it terrified me.

  Jackson gave me little time to consider the consequences of my feelings. He leaned over to turn off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness before brushing his fingers over my lips and then claiming them with his own.

  At first, the kiss started slow and torturous. His lips traced the outline of my mouth, moving from one corner to the other. His tongue gently nudged my lips apart, flicked it over mine, and then sucked my bottom lip between his teeth. I moaned softly into his mouth, and he tensed. It was subtle, but I felt it. "Don't make me stop, Ana Parry," he whispered against my lips as I fought to control my ragged breathing.

  Jackson shifted us slightly so that his elbows rested on either side of me. He kissed me deeper, full of desperation. It became frantic and hurried— like we might not get another chance.

  Are you really doing this? My conscience tried to cut through my lust-filled haze, but I was too far gone, craving the way that Jackson made me feel every time that he touched me or looked at me. I needed to feel. I wanted to feel again. Wanted to feel with him.

  Sensing my slight hesitation, Jackson pulled back, and asked, "Is this okay? Am I moving too fast?"

  I couldn't find words, too overcome with emotion, so I shook my head. I clasped my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. Jackson's lips trailed across my cheek and down the crook of my neck, sucking gently at the skin along my jaw, sending shivers zipping through me.

  My whole body was shaking. It was a heady combination—the nerves, the feel of Jackson's lips praising my skin, burning every inch they touched. But when he murmured against my ear, "I've got you, Ana," I let go and gave myself over to him.

  Jackson rolled slightly onto his side, freeing up one of his hands, which he used to slowly tug up my blouse. Lifting my body off the bed, I helped him pull it over my head and trembled when his lips connected with the curve of my breast. The feel of his warm breath against my cool skin caused me to suck in a sharp breath and Jackson groaned against my skin, "You are so fucking beautiful."

  I let my fingers run lazily through his hair. This only seemed to encourage him as his lips made their path down to my stomach, causing chill bumps to ripple over my skin. My whole body shuddered with anticipation and nerves. It was dark, only the amber glow lighting the room, but he had still seen my imperfections.

  “Ahhh, Jackson.” It came out breathy, a reaction to Jackson’s tongue tracing patterns on the bare skin disappearing into the edge of my jeans.

  “Ssssh. Let me take care of you,” he murmured against my skin, his hands unzipping my jeans and inching them down my legs.

  My head rolled back, and I was lost in him. The feel of his lips grazing the sensitive skin on the inside of my thigh. His fingers gliding over my black cotton panties, teasing. My body arched into him all on its own. I had no control now.

  "Do you have any idea how hard it's been to stay away from you? To pretend you mean nothing to me?" He nipped gently at my flesh and I gasped. "No one has ever gotten to me like you do, Savanah Parry. No. One."

  Savanah. A thousand memories rushed into my mind, flooding it. I gasped again, but this time it wasn't from the pleasure, it was from the pain cutting through my heart. No, no, NO, don't do this, Ana. Not now. You need this. Need Jackson. You need to live... move on. Don't think, just live.

  My hands dug into Jackson's shoulders, pulling him closer. I needed to feel him closer.

  "I want to taste you, Ana." The inflection in his voice told me it was a question.

  "Please, Jackson. Don't stop." My voice was thick with emotion, as I tried to swallow down the tears pooling behind my eyes.

  Jackson rested back on his knees slightly and tugged his shirt off over his head. As my eyes danced down the defined planes of his chest, I licked my lips. He was gorgeous. Smooth, tanned skin stretched over chiseled muscles. He cast me a playful smirk before slowly removing my last piece of clothing. My breathing grew shallow and I clamped my eyes shut, suddenly feeling self-conscious. What was someone like Jackson Pierce even doing with a damaged, broken girl like me?

  "Ana, open your eyes," he commanded.

  I peeked through one eye first. He was watching me, a half-smile gracing his beautifully damaged face. “Open your eyes, Ana. I want you looking at me while I make you feel.”

  My lips formed an O. He hadn’t said what he would be making me feel, just that he would. He knew. He could read me like a book. I had spent the last year numb, detached from all emotion. But Jackson was bringing me back to life. He was making me feel again.

  I opened the other eye and looked up at Jackson through my lids, hooded with desire. Jackson skimmed his hands over my breasts and down to my hips as my tongue involuntarily flicked across my lips again. His eyes were glowing with lust. And I could see that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  Resting his head at my core, Jackson blew a stream of air onto me and I bucked off the bed. It felt so sensitive—too much. I clenched my thighs, trying to force him out, but his hands stilled my efforts. He blew again, and this time it felt gentler somehow. I didn't know if my body was adapting or he did something different, but it felt nice. More than nice... it felt freaking amazing.

  "Ahhhh." I moaned as Jackson flicked his tongue over my most intimate part, once, twice, three times. And then his finger slid inside of me and my body froze.

  No one had touched me like this since Danny. There had never been anyone else but him. Sensing my panic, Jackson withdrew his hand and crawled up my body until he was gazing down at me. His lips were glistening, a sign of how much I wanted him.

  "What's wrong?" he asked, concern etched into his creased forehead.

  I tried to turn my head to the side to escape his questioning expression, but he swiftly mo
ved his hands to either side of my head almost caging me in. "Ana, tell me what just happened?" There was no hint of anger in his voice, just concern.

  "I- I..." I choked and my eyes fluttered shut and I lifted my hand to try to break his hold on me, but he caught my wrist, his eyes darting to my scar.

  My heart raced. He had seen it. I expected to see the confusion on his face, disgust, or even shocking realization. I didn’t see any of those things. Instead, Jackson pulled my wrist closer to his face, inspecting the ugly pink raised flesh. Time seemed to stand still, my heart beating harder with every second that passed. His eyes flickered from my wrist to me, and back again. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he thought of me now that he had seen the scars of my deepest secret.

  I closed my eyes, playing through all of the possibilities. He wouldn’t understand. People rarely did. He would realize how damaged I really was and want nothing more to do with me. And then I felt it. His lips brushing over my tainted skin. Relief and confusion flooded through me and I melted into the bed. It felt so intimate, which seemed silly considering the circumstances. But the feel of his lips against the reminder of my past, the ugliness living inside of me, was like he was breathing life back into me.

  "Ana. Look. At. Me." Something in his voice called to me. He seemed to know things about me without even hearing the details. He had seen something in me, related to something.

  "Ana." It came out soft, like a plea.

  I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. He was staring at me with such tenderness, it left me breathless, but I managed to say, "I... there's stuff you don't know. Stuff you don't know about me. Things I don't want to talk about yet."

  "We all have our secrets," he said, letting the words linger between us, and then opening his mouth as if to say something more. But at the last second, he stopped and lowered my wrist to the side of us. He pressed his lips to my neck and whispered, "We can stop. If you don't want this."

  Panic surged through me and I gripped onto him, almost crying out. "No… No, I just... well, it's, umm, it's been a while. Since you know..."

  His lips collided with mine and he started to work his buckle between our bodies. Without breaking our kiss, Jackson managed to wriggle out of his jeans and boxers, before settling back on top of me. The feel of his skin touching mine was something that I didn't want to end. I wasn't a tiny girl, but his huge frame covered me and I felt safe. Protected. Wanted... I felt alive.

  I felt like the old me was slowly being pieced back together.

  Nudging my jaw with his nose, Jackson whispered, "Are you sure?"

  I nodded and felt his body relax a little, like he was relieved. The thought made my lips curl up slightly, and he kissed me again. "Ana, I’ve got you," he said, rocking into me slowly. I gripped onto him, overwhelmed by the feeling of him surrounding me… on top of me… inside of me.

  Jackson started moving slowly, feathering kisses over my jaw and neck. I could tell that he was holding back and treating me like some fragile girl made of glass. Maybe he was right, but at this moment, I just wanted to be Savanah. The old Savanah. Normal. I wanted him to know that he wasn’t going to break me, so I hitched my legs around his waist and nipped at his shoulder with my teeth. Jackson hissed and then responded, thrusting into me harder. I was a little lightheaded with all of the feelings and sensations running through me. Feelings that I never expected to have again.

  Gripping my thigh, he took me higher and higher until I started panting with need. One hand entwined with mine, Jackson stroked my side with the other causing me to squirm, and I watched him through my hazy eyes until he nestled his head in the crook of my neck. “I’m close, come with me. I need you to come with me,” he groaned, running a hand up to my breast, applying just enough pressure to send ripples of pleasure through me.

  It was enough.

  He thrust again, and I came undone, murmuring his name over and over as he found his own release. Jackson placed a lingering kiss on my lips and rolled off me and onto his side. Pulling me back into him, he wrapped his arm around me and held me close. I didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to ruin the moment. But as the spell Jackson had cast on me started to lift, I had to know.

  “So, what happens now?” My voice was quiet.

  Jackson sighed against my neck and tucked me closer into the curve of his body. “I have no damn idea.” He pressed a kiss onto my shoulder and said, "But I can't live without you in my life."

  Chapter 14

  Memories of the previous night flooded my mind, and I rolled over, reaching out for him. Jackson and I had made love. Or at least that was what it felt like to me. It wasn’t just sex; it was so much more. Especially since he had discovered my scar—and started to piece together the story behind it, or at least some of it. But my hand didn’t find him, only rumpled cotton bed linen. A wave of disappointment rolled through me as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, turning to where Jackson had slept. I had woken more than once during the night, feeling initially panicked by the feel of someone’s arm wrapped around me and legs entwined with my own. But I had slept better last night than I had since arriving at CFA. And now he was gone and the contentment that I had drifted to sleep feeling had been replaced with dread.

  He’s left you. Again. You foolish, foolish girl. The thoughts rushed through my mind before I even noticed the small note laying on the pillow on his side of the bed.

  “Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.”

  I had to get back to the house. I’ll text you soon.

  J x

  I flopped back into the cushions, smiling at the note. It was a quote from Romeo and Juliet. Our thing. This meant something—it was huge. But that little voice in my head also pointed out that he had quoted Shakespeare’s most famous tragedy—a story of star-crossed lovers. Just as I started to unpick what he could possibly be trying to tell me, my cell vibrated.

  Sorry I had to leave. I’m already thinking about when I can see you again. This weekend? I want to take you somewhere… answer some of your questions. Please say yes. J x

  He didn’t need to beg—he had me at Shakespeare.

  ~

  “How are you?” Elena whispered as we walked back to the dorm after our classes. The whole day had been draining. Between coming to terms with the new development in mine and Jackson’s relationship and avoiding any run-ins with Briony or Chad, I was done. But Elena’s questioning tone told me that I wasn’t getting out of the conversation that lay ahead. I muttered something about being fine then we walked the rest of the way to McGinley in silence.

  The second we got into the dorm room she started. “Want to tell me what in the hell yesterday was about, Ana? Why was I covering for you with the guys while you went all crazy on us? I’ve been patient, waited for you to come to me, but now you owe me, chica.”

  I dropped onto to my bed and shuffled back against the headboard, sighing to myself. She was right; it was time. But how much I could reveal, I still wasn’t sure.

  Inhaling a deep, calming breath, I tried to fight my racing pulse. Grasping for the courage to say the words that I had yet to voice. “Last year, I lost my boyfriend and parents in a car accident.”

  Elena’s head whipped up and she dropped the bag that she was holding. “I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Ana. Do you want to tell me what happened?” She sat on the end of my bed, her big eyes filled with sympathy.

  “Talk?” I laughed hysterically. “I spent the last year pretty much mute, you know. My counselor said I was in denial, but I wasn’t, not really. I just couldn’t say the words, couldn’t talk about it. What is there to say when you lose those who mean the most in the world to you? It took months of seeing her before I said anything…”

  I hadn’t realized I was crying when Elena handed me a tissue. I was too focused on the words as they flowed out of me.

  “It was just after junior prom. Mom had landed a big promotion, and Dad
wanted to celebrate. Only, I woke up in the hospital and they didn’t. My life was ruined. I can’t even begin to describe the pain that I felt when I heard those words. They had to sedate me for two days. I was a mess.” I lifted my head and looked Elena straight in the eye. “I’m still a mess. I still have my bad days, which you’ve seen. Days that I can’t drag myself out of bed and the pretend illnesses.”

  Elena’s eyes grew into saucers as she pieced together what I was telling her. “You mean you weren’t really sick?”

  A strained laugh escaped again. “No, I wasn’t really sick. I was having a bad day. They happen less now, but they still happen.”

  Elena rushed up the bed and wrapped me into a hug. I sank into her, feeling comforted by her slim arms holding me. “I’m so sorry, Ana. No one should have to carry that alone. I’m sorry that I kept pushing.” She moved me back, keeping me at arm’s length. “But you are okay now, right?”

  Was I?

  I nodded, forcing my lips into a half smile. There was still so much that she didn’t know, but for now, it would have to do. There were still certain things I couldn’t say. Not yet.

  “I’m getting there.”

  Elena didn’t push me for anything else. After hugging me for a few good minutes, she asked me if I needed anything, then gave me some space. I think she could sense that it was new to me—confiding in someone, sharing the moment that my world changed forever. That I changed forever.

  ~

  “He’s looking at you.” Ellie nodded to the lockers over from us, where Danny Pelham and his friends were standing, goofing around.

  I looked over at them and blushed. “No, he isn’t.” Why would he? He was gorgeous, clever, and played on the football team. Like most girls in our class, I’d had a crush on Danny since ninth grade. He would never be interested in someone like me.