by Dee Bridle
“So, Zac and I will probably use your bed tonight. You should sleep in Noah’s room,” said Ava downing another shot.
“No way,” I said in alarm. “I’m not sleeping with him.”
It was too intimate and way too early for that.
Ava laughed and passed me another shot.
“Just share the bed, babe. Noah might be a bad ass, but he’s a gentleman, so you have nothing to worry about.”
I swore under my breath as Zac appeared in front of Ava, pulling her into him and planting a kiss on her lips. I turned back to the party and watched two girls dance amongst the guys, trying their hardest to get as much attention as possible. The guys closest to them, watched with leering looks, wanting a taste of what was on offer. I never wanted guys to enjoy the sight of my body that I truly hated. So much so, I was never completely naked during sex. Control had been taken from me at such a young age that I held onto it as much as I could now.
These two girls were after sex and after seeing the faces of the guys around them, they were most likely going to get what they wanted. Sex held no appeal to me. It only re-opened past scars, which never stopped bleeding, no matter how much pressure I applied.
These girls wouldn’t balk at the idea of sleeping with Noah. They’d welcome it, in fact, along with every other girl in here tonight. With that thought, I downed my tequila shot.
“Hey,” said a voice into my ear.
I jumped and swung around, hating it when people came up behind me. A guy was standing there with an interested smile.
“I’m Harrison. You are?”
“Not interested,” I replied, tipping the last few drops of tequila onto my tongue.
He watched the action closely and smiled, “You sure?”
Noah suddenly appeared between us.
“Move along, Harro,” he warned.
The guy put his hands up in mock surrender with a laugh. He turned to the girls dancing in the center of the room and started whistling.
I looked at Noah, the fire of the tequila now in my veins.
“I had that under control.”
“Never doubted it,” he returned. “Enjoying the party?”
I nodded, my eyes still on him.
He leaned into me, his lips near my ear and said, “I’m trying to keep my friendly distance from you.”
“How’s that working out for you?” I teased, feeling the welcome numbness of the tequila. Or was it Noah?
“Hardest thing I’ve had to do all night,” he said into my ear. “As a friend to another friend, you look really hot tonight.”
I leaned up to his ear and said, “You’ve obviously had way too much to drink.”
I felt his smile as he leaned back into me, taking his time in saying anything else. I felt his breath on my neck and then his lips at my ear.
“You’re the hottest girl here tonight and every guy here knows it. And I’ve had one beer. I’m going to take hold of your hand right now, and go and get another drink…with you.”
His words and the feel of his lips on my ear sent delightful shivers through my body and I tried to reject the weird and very unknown feeling. I pulled back slightly, to look into his eyes.
“And show them all I belong to you? Get a collar and finish with it,” I returned with a smirk.
I was expecting anger or at least a frown from him. All I got was a deep laugh.
“I’m always up for anything, Ivy. Don’t tempt me,” he said dipping his head to me so our foreheads touched.
I felt the power and desire emanating off him. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel threatened by a member of the opposite sex. If I was honest, I felt turned on. I wanted him to take my hand and I wanted him to keep looking at me like he was looking at me right now. He looked hungry.
His hand found mine and he led me over to the kitchen, talking to friends as we passed them. It was obvious he was staking his claim, but I suddenly didn’t care as his thumb gently caressed a spot on my hand, over and over again. He laughed at something with a friend, all the while continuing with the affectionate caress. Something so small was so very big to me, and I fought the urge to shake his hand off and get another shot of tequila.
We reached the kitchen and he used his free hand to open the fridge and get two beers. Then he reluctantly let me go to open them as someone else came up and grabbed his attention. I leaned against the kitchen counter, turning to see Zac and Ava now outside on the patio, kissing each other hungrily. I watched how Zac held her face in his hands like he cherished her and desired her all at the same time. I turned back to Noah to see him holding up a beer bottle for me.
As I took the bottle from him, he threw the beer top out the door, hitting Zac in the head. I laughed as Zac put his hand out and stuck his middle finger up at him, all while not breaking his kiss from Ava.
Noah looked down at me and then put his beer bottle to his lips and took a gulp. I hid my smile as I took a sip. The music got louder and his body came up against mine slightly as he leaned in to talk again.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
I decided to give him an honest answer and said, “Me, too.”
A heavy song came on and a few cheered from the lounge room and some started to move to it. A guy started to drunkenly hit a pretend drum, nearly knocking the person out next to him with his fists and I smiled.
“You should smile more often,” said Noah into my ear.
I smiled a little more, knowing I usually didn’t have much to smile about. But he was slowly changing all of that. As he watched me closely, he rewarded me with a grin and we both laughed a little together. The moment was intimate between us, while to anyone else, it looked like were just smiling at each other. His hand came up to my cheek and he cupped it gently, looking into my eyes. He was going to kiss me and my lips suddenly trembled in anticipation.
“Noah! It’s been so long!” said a high pitched voice.
We both turned our heads to see a gorgeous preppy blonde standing next to us with a big smile.
“Rachel, hi,” said Noah leaning his head back from me slightly. “How was France?”
“Amazing as usual,” she smiled, glancing at me and then ignoring me altogether. “Good to see you’re still having parties.”
“Yeah,” said Noah.
I felt the weird interaction between them and suddenly knew they had history together, and she wanted to continue it.
“I messaged you last night. Are you too busy with college now to get back to me?” she asked with a giggle, touching his arm with familiarity.
He nodded and said, “Yeah, something like that.”
“So how’s it all working out? You’ll be working in your father’s law firm in no time.”
“Yeah, when hell freezes over.”
Rachel laughed and then realized Noah wasn’t joking. She stopped laughing and looked confused for a moment. I hid a smile and looked across the party to see Will in a drinking competition. He chugged down a beer in a tube and cheered at the end, beating his opponent.
I heard Noah say, “Grab a drink and enjoy the party,” as his arm went around my lower back.
I felt his warm hand touch the skin between my top and jeans, making my skin tingle.
Rachel didn’t miss any of it and said, “I thought we could catch up properly.”
I rolled my eyes at this girl’s attempt to snag Noah and leaned into him. He pulled me in closer as my hand went to his stomach. I felt his muscles tighten under my fingertips and I took a moment to discover them. I knew Rachel was watching me as she tried to continue a conversation with Noah.
My fingers then travelled their way down to his pocket in his jeans and went inside. I felt Noah’s intake of breath as Rachel watched me pull out his cigarette packet. With a smirk on my face, I moved out of Noah’s embrace and headed out to the back patio by myself.
Ava had obviously seen what had happened and laughed as I stepped outside. I took a gulp of beer and placed his cigarettes on
the railing ledge beside Zac.
‘They have history right?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
Zac took a drag of his cigarette and said, “Back when he used to pretend to be a good boy. Both families are close. She always wanted more. He didn’t.”
My heart thrummed with adrenalin and I took another sip of my beer. She looked like the perfect girl for him. I let out a sigh and got one of the cigarettes and lit it up.
Zac greeted a friend as he came outside and they started to talk as Ava leaned over the railing next to me.
I looked out over to the pool and said, “This place is beautiful.”
“He has a very cool set up here,” said Ava. “We have a lot of pool parties in the summer.”
I leaned over the patio railing and looked out over the garden and took another drag of the cigarette. I felt alive, for the first time in a very long time. This was me, when I forgot the darkness. The tingling anticipation, the flirting, all the things that could have been, if everything had been different.
Arms appeared on either side of me and hands gripped the railing, encasing me in. I looked at the mandala symbol tattoo on his hand, focusing on the detail as my body leaned slightly back against him. His hand moved to take my cigarette from my fingers, taking a drag himself and then exhaling it up into the night air. He then flicked the cigarette over the railing, the dying red embers getting snuffed out in the garden.
He took his cigarette packet and slipped it back in his pocket, as his face slightly nuzzled into my neck. “Feel free to grab one of my cigarettes any time you like,” he said huskily.
Leaning my head to the side to give him better access, I smiled into the night. We were moving from friends to something else very quickly and I was secretly enjoying it. He was a good guy. Something I had never had before and he made me feel alive. His mouth barely touched my neck, but I could feel his breath and it sent a thrill through me. He was taking his time, being tentative, but letting me know again that he wanted more.
I turned to face him, his heated gaze took me in. I returned his gaze, my eyelids heavy and my body anticipating something that it had never yearned. Intimacy. Contact. The sweet delights of a first kiss together, one that wasn’t blurred with drugs or alcohol. One that had the capacity to really mean something.
I looked to see that Ava and the others had disappeared and then focused on his mouth as his lips curled into an inviting but teasing smile.
“They’ve left us alone, because they think I’m going to kiss you.”
Anticipation fizzled through me as I looked up at him.
“And are you?” I whispered.
“I want to,” he said fully enclosing me in his arms.
“So do it,” I said daring him. “Unless you would prefer Rachel, then—“
He didn’t let me finish as his lips met mine, softly at first like he was teasing or testing me. His hand went up to my cheek and then curved to my neck as our tongues met for the first time. I lost all sense of my surroundings as he started to thoroughly kiss me.
My beer bottle that had been sitting on the railing toppled over and fell to the grass below as I clung on to him, his mouth sending tingles throughout my body. His tongue teased mine and I could taste beer and I wanted more. His kiss was gentle but demanding all at the same time and I honestly didn’t know if my legs would keep me standing.
My hands went to his chest and then went exploring like they had a mind of their own. He was all chiseled perfection and I couldn’t believe this gorgeous guy was kissing me. His body was up against mine, gently pushing me into the railing as he kissed me hungrily.
I wanted my hands under his T-shirt, suddenly eager to feel his warm skin. I felt the uncontrollable urge soar within me and then I missed a breath and started to panic. It was all too fast and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t lose my control, because that meant I was bad. I couldn’t enjoy this. Flashbacks hit me, of years gone by. The silent abuse, the lies, and torment.
He felt the change in me instantly and pulled back, looking me in the eyes as his thumb smoothed my cheek.
“Ivy?” he asked with concern. “Shit…too fast?”
I tried to steady my breathing, looking into his desire-filled eyes that were turning into concern. I wanted to know where the hell this caring guy had come from because guys never pulled back. Their own needs always came first before mine. How would I survive this guy?
“Sorry,” he whispered, his hands slowly letting me go like I was made of glass.
I missed the warmth of him instantly and grabbed onto his T-shirt.
“No, don’t apologize,” I gulped, pulling him back to me.
I let out a frustrated noise. What the hell did I say? I’m fucked up? I’ll never let you close to me because it will always end in darkness. I can’t go any further with you because I was scared shitless of haunting memories returning. The ones I buried so deep to survive.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I’m really sorry, you look…scared…I won’t do that again, I promise.”
“No, I want you to,” I said quickly. “It’s just…”
He waited patiently, his eyes not moving from mine.
Tears brimmed my eyes and I blinked them back. I was going to lose my shit, in the middle of his party like an idiot. A part of me wanted to unload my history onto him, share the pain and hurt. Make him see I wasn’t worth it.
“You’ve been hurt,” he whispered.
It wasn’t a question. I didn’t need to answer, because he was already there, in my eyes, seeing the truth.
I panicked again. I didn’t want him to see me like this. It was just another problem to add to the fucking list. I was fucked. I forced a smile.
“Let’s get another drink,” I said stepping to the side of him.
His hand shot out and stopped me.
“Please tell me I haven’t fucked this up.”
I swallowed down a lump of emotion and looked up into his eyes.
“No, you haven’t,” I said finally.
“Your pace,” he said next. “From now on.”
I searched into his eyes and gritted my teeth. He wasn’t real. No one cared this much or was this understanding. I felt the warmth trickle back into the coldness of my heart and wanted to gasp. He was making me feel. Making me human, and I didn’t know if I could do it.
“What about if it’s not enough for you?” I whispered.
“I’m willing to find out if you are,” he said, with eyes that didn’t move from mine.
I looked into those all-seeing eyes and wanted to trust him. It went against everything I lived by to survive.
“I’m freaking out here, Noah,” I whispered. “I just don’t get what you see in me.”
“Ivy,” he said.
“I’m serious,” I said. “I’m not like your other…Rachels.”
He cocked his eyebrow.
“Exactly. I’m just interested in you, whoever you are, whatever you are…you.”
I took a deep breath and said, “You’ll only be disappointed in the end.”
“I’m not so far.”
“You haven’t even scratched the surface,” I warned. “I’m fucked up, Noah.”
He shrugged, and said, “I am, too.”
“I’m not normal.”
“I know, it’s one of your redeeming qualities,” he said with a wink. “I don’t want normal. Look at me for god’s sake. Do I look like I want normal?”
“But you’ve had plenty of normal,” I said.
“Normal is overrated. And very boring.”
I shook my head and said, “You don’t know what you’re taking on.”
“I have a fair idea and I want it. I want…you. Nothing you say will change that.”
His words hit me and I panicked again.
“You deserve more, Noah.”
He replied, “You deserve everything, Ivy.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head into his chest. His arms slowly went around me and just h
eld me. I didn’t believe him, of course. I didn’t deserve anything. But this amazing guy, holding me, had an answer for everything. He could see into my depths and it scared me. If I continued to be with him, he would have the power over me, over my dead heart.
He lightly kissed the top of my head and said quietly, “And while we’re on the subject of not getting what I see in you, take a look around, Ivy, Every fucking guy here wants to know more. I see a beautiful girl who’s been delivered a shit life. I want more. I want to show you fun and show you that life can sometimes be very okay.”
His words warmed and pained me at the same time. He already had the power over me, especially when he said things like that.
I lifted my head and said, “What if I’ve got nothing to give to you in return?”
“Just be with me. It’s that simple.”
He wasn’t pressuring me, wasn’t handing out expectations. He just wanted to be with me. I could do that, right? I leaned up against him without another word and kissed his lips softly. I didn’t know what I had done to have someone so amazing in my life, but I suddenly wanted to hold onto it for as long as I could. Fuck the consequences.
Noah
By the early hours of the morning, the music had been turned down and at least half of the guests attending the party had now disappeared.
Ivy seemed to know a lot of my music and clearly enjoyed listening to it while she talked to Ava. Some songs made her eyes close while she sang along to the death core lyrics, and I could see music was important to her. She had been nursing the same beer bottle for the last hour, and I knew she was deliberately not drinking it. I wanted her to be comfortable and to drink and let go, but I knew it would probably take time.
I looked over at Will who had a girl straddling him on the couch, kissing him like her life depended on it. It was going to get X-rated really soon, and I only hoped he wasn’t too drunk to take her somewhere private.
My gaze returned to Ivy. She was beautiful. Everything about her, even her sadness called to me, and I knew we had come a long way tonight. The thought of being able to kiss her again soon made me smile.
