Impostor

by Winnacker, Susanne

  The spicy smell of tobacco mingled with the smoky smell of the steaks sizzling on the grill. It was a cold and cloudy day, but even that couldn’t dampen the mood. There were about twenty people there, but we could have easily fed twenty more with the amount of food piling up on the dining room table, not to mention the stack of steaks waiting by the grill. Madison’s cousins, aunts and uncles, godparents, and great aunts were all in attendance. There were so many guests that I couldn’t even remember half their names. Luckily most of them just asked me if I was well and hugged me before they moved on to grab something to eat. They were a hungry bunch. Only Uncle Scott, Ronald’s older brother, and his wife, Aunt Cecilia, stuck to my side like superglue.

  Uncle Scott, who had a mustache that curled around his lips like a constant frown, told dirty jokes about nuns and penguins that made my ears turn pink, while Aunt Cecilia giggled at each one as though she was hearing it for the first time. Watching them interact made me laugh even more than the jokes.

  The whole house buzzed with laughter, conversation, chewing, and the occasional burp—from Uncle Scott. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been happier. The smile seemed to be permanently carved into my face, my muscles aching from unfamiliar use. Was this how my life could have been if I had been normal? In that moment, I wished more than anything that I could keep them, that I was more than an impostor with a borrowed family.

  I turned around, feeling like I’d suffocate if I stayed with them for a moment longer. I headed for the kitchen, hoping to find a moment alone but instead found Linda frosting a huge buttercream cake. She didn’t hear me enter over the chatter coming from the rest of the house and I stopped for a moment to watch her as she spread the icing with a spatula. She had a small, happy smile on her face. Instinctively, my fingers closed around the rose pendant over my breastbone, drawing comfort from it.

  Linda turned and dropped the spatula, clapping a hand over her heart. “Good God, Maddy, you scared me.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. I just needed . . .” I trailed off, not sure how to tell her I needed a reprieve from her family. She gave me a knowing look.

  “I know. They can be quite overwhelming,” she said as she picked up the cake stand and headed toward the dining room. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

  I stared out the kitchen window, still clutching the pendant. A flash of white-blond hair had rounded the property and stopped behind the fence. As he took a step closer, his face came into view: Phil Faulkner. He seemed to be glancing up at something. My window? I knew he lived close by, but I’d never seen him loitering around the neighborhood before. Could he be the guy watching my window? What was his deal?

  His eyes moved down toward the kitchen window, where he caught my gaze. He was holding something in his hand, but from my vantage point I couldn’t see what it was. He hastily turned and hurried away. And then I saw what he was carrying: a fishing rod. The pathology report had said the victims were strangled with a wire. What if it was a fishing line?

  I debated whether or not to follow him when Devon walked into the kitchen, carrying an empty platter. It was the same one I’d seen piled high with steaks and spareribs in the living room just a few minutes ago. “Do lots of people go fishing in this area?”

  He opened the fridge and piled up even more meat on the tray. “Many people do. The lake is a good fishing ground.”

  I frowned at the pile of meat. Dimples dented Devon’s cheeks when he noticed me staring, and his eyes had a mischievous glimmer in them.

  “Don’t tell me you want to barbecue them,” I said, following him through the living room and out into the backyard, where a pillar of smoke rose into the sky.

  “Dad asked me to take his place for this round,” Devon said as he loaded the grate with steaks the size of dinner plates. The meat sizzled when it touched the hot surface, and a new wave of smoke bubbled up into the air.

  “But Mom’s already taken the cake into the dining room. I thought it was time for dessert.” I mean, the hungry bunch had already eaten half a cow at least.

  Devon turned the steaks with barbecue tongs. “Maddy. A Chambers barbecue isn’t over until every piece of meat has been cooked and gobbled down.”

  Oops. That seemed like something I should have known.

  “What’s up with Uncle Scott’s facial hair?”

  Devon grinned and suddenly I could breathe again. “You mean his porn-stache?”

  I laughed and so did he. So much in fact that he didn’t notice how his hand was inching dangerously close to the hot grate. I opened my mouth to warn him, but it was too late. His hand bumped against the barbecue. He jerked it back, dropping the tongs and letting out a hiss of pain.

  My stomach plummeted. Burn wounds could be ugly, and this would be bad. Devon cradled his hand against his chest and bent down to pick up the tongs as if he was going to keep right on grilling. I wrestled them out of his grip. “Let me see your hand.”

  He turned away, his shoulder forming a shield between us. “It’s nothing, Maddy. I didn’t even touch the grate.”

  “Don’t be stupid.” I gripped his arm and pulled his hand back toward me. I turned it around but the skin was only a bit red, as though nothing had happened at all.

  He pulled away and took the barbecue tongs, resuming his work. “I told you it was nothing. I was just startled. I barely touched it.”

  Had my eyes played a trick on me? Maybe he hadn’t really touched the grill. But I could have sworn I’d seen it happen. Seen him grimace in pain.

  Ronald poked his head out the back door. “Are the steaks done? Uncle Scott’s moved on to his sheep jokes. It’d be great if we could get him busy chewing again.”

  I raised my eyebrows at Devon for an explanation. He smirked. “Don’t ask. Believe me, you don’t want to know.”

  • • •

  It was almost midnight when the last visitors left. I felt drained from all the happiness and the knowledge that it was fleeting. Soon I’d have to exit this world and leave only darkness in my wake, when Linda and Ronald would learn the truth about their daughter’s death.

  Once the lights were turned out, I crept down the stairs and tiptoed into the garage. I used a small flashlight to illuminate my surroundings. Slowly, I guided the beam over the workbench and the camping equipment. There was nothing suspicious—no knives, no fishing lines, no wire. Relief flooded me. A creak sounded behind me. “What are you doing?”

  I whirled around, my heart thrashing against my rib cage. The beam of the flashlight caught on Devon’s frown and he squinted. I lowered my arm. “I thought you were asleep,” I said.

  He peeked over my head into the garage. “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “I couldn’t sleep and then I thought I heard a noise and got scared,” I said quickly.

  Concern flashed across his face. “You should have woken me or Dad. You shouldn’t sneak around in the dark,” he whispered. He glanced at the stairs; the voices of Linda and Ronald carried down from their bedroom. Had we woken them? I’d thought they were sleeping.

  “I know,” I said. “But I didn’t want to worry you. I already feel like enough of a burden.”

  I hugged Devon and leaned my cheek against his chest, not sure if that was a sisterly move. His arms wrapped around me. He felt warm and strong and he smelled like skin and cotton and comfort. I pressed my nose into his shirt, hoping he wouldn’t notice. I knew without a doubt that he wasn’t the killer, no matter what anyone else said.

  CHAPTER 15

  * * *

  I slipped out of my clothes, turned on the shower, and stepped under the steam of water. Goose bumps erupted all over my body, and for one glorious moment my mind felt empty. But then it started. At first in my toes, then my calves, and up to my thighs. My skin rippled, undulated, stretched; my bones shifted, cracked, repositioned. Shock kept me rooted to the spot. The rippling moved higher until it had taken over all of me. Shifting without volition—that wasn’t supposed to happen. Not now
, not ever.

  I willed it to stop, for my body to obey my orders. My skin rippled and shifted in small waves, like there were bugs crawling under its surface. That wasn’t normal. It had never happened before.

  Grabbing a towel, I got out of the shower stall and stumbled as my legs shortened a few inches. My knees collided with the tiled floor, sending sparks of pain through them. I held my arms out in front of me. I shuddered, which ushered in a new wave of rippling through my body as my skin grew paler.

  I gripped the washbasin and pulled myself to my feet. I staggered to the mirror to see my reflection. My face was shifting, remolding slowly. It was still Madison’s face but my eyes were turning turquoise. First one, like one of those Siberian huskies with different-colored eyes, and then the other. My lips twisted, my bangs lengthened and turned auburn. It was happening to me. I could see it happening, could feel it happening, but I was powerless to stop it.

  I pressed my eyes shut, refusing to believe what I saw. Why wouldn’t it stop? Rippling, tearing, stretching, and then it was over. I looked at my reflection. It was no longer the one it was supposed to show, the one I’d gotten used to.

  Freckled nose, auburn locks, turquoise eyes. Madison was gone.

  I shivered. A puddle had accumulated around my feet where water dripped from my body and hair. I felt more drained than if I had just run a marathon. Even if my body obeyed me now, I doubted I’d find the strength to shift back into Madison’s body.

  I heard steps coming up the stairs. I stumbled toward the door and turned the lock.

  “Maddy? Everything okay?”

  Choking down my panic, I turned on the faucet, hoping desperately that the sound of running water would drive Linda away. I pressed against the far wall beside the toilet, as far away from the door as possible.

  “Maddy?”

  If I answered her, she’d realize it wasn’t Madison’s voice. What was I supposed to do?

  Her steps halted in front of the door. “Maddy?” She knocked. “Maddy, honey, are you okay?” She wouldn’t leave until she knew I was all right.

  Clearing my throat, I tried my best to sound like Madison. “I’m just taking a shower before bed. I’m fine.” It wasn’t a very good imitation but hopefully the sound of the running water would help to drown it out.

  “Are you sure?” I could hear the concern in her voice. She turned the knob but the door was locked.

  “Yep, just taking a shower. Don’t worry, Mom.”

  The Mom slipped so easily from my lips, it scared me.

  “Haven’t you already showered?”

  Think, Tessa, think.

  “I started but I heard my phone, and I got out to see who texted me.”

  There was silence on the other side of the door. “Who was it?”

  “Ana.”

  Just go away, I thought. Please.

  “Okay. Wake me if you need anything.”

  She waited a moment longer before her steps moved away from the door. I turned the shower back on and waited until I was sure everyone was safely in bed. Once I was sure nobody was around, I hurried into my room and locked it. My own reflection stared back at me from the mirror on the door. Shadows spread under my eyes. My fingers brushed over my unblemished throat. I’d gotten so used to feeling the scar there.

  I needed to change back into Madison. Closing my eyes, I tried to trigger the rippling sensation but I didn’t feel anything, not even the slightest tingling. Droplets of sweat mingled with the water from my hair and gathered in the towel around my body.

  • • •

  Exhausted, I sank to my knees, still Tessa. It was midnight. I’d been trying to shift for almost an hour.

  I fumbled for my phone and punched in the speed dial for Alec. He picked up after the second ring.

  “Hmm?” His voice was gravely with sleep and the sound sent a pleasant shiver down my back. “Tess?”

  I tried to speak, but the words crowded in my throat.

  “Tess, what’s up?” His voice was thick with worry.

  “I’m losing it, Alec. I can’t shift back. I don’t know what to do.” I took a deep breath, trying to get a grip on myself.

  “Calm down. Tell me again, but slowly this time.”

  “I—I’m not Madison anymore. My body changed back to myself and now I can’t shift back. I don’t know what to do. What if I’m losing my Variation?”

  I heard rustling in the background and imagined Alec getting out of bed.

  “Where are you?”

  “I locked myself in my room. Linda was suspicious but everyone’s asleep now.”

  “Hang in there. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” More rustling. He was probably getting dressed.

  “I could climb through the window.”

  “Wait ’til I’m there. I’ll make sure you don’t break your neck.”

  Before I could offer him a witty comeback, he hung up. I cradled the phone against my chest. It would take him maybe ten minutes to get here.

  Looking down at my shivering body, I realized I was still wrapped in a towel. I grabbed some clothes from the dresser and slipped into them. The clothes clung to my body, better suited to Madison’s tiny frame.

  My phone rang once—Alec. My cue to open the window. The hairs on my arms rose as the cool air hit my damp skin. Alec waited below, dressed in black and one with the darkness. I scrambled out of the window and held on to the windowpane as I slowly lowered myself down.

  “Let go,” he said, and I did.

  He caught me with ease. I breathed in his scent, allowing my cheek to rest against his chest. He didn’t set me down immediately but I wasn’t going to complain. I could have stayed in his arms forever.

  “Your hair is wet. You’ll get pneumonia if we don’t get out of the cold,” he said, briefly tightening his grip on me before he put me down. I could have sworn he’d smelled my hair. Sometimes I wasn’t sure what was real and what was merely the result of wishful thinking. Sometimes I didn’t want to know.

  We kept to the shadows as we hurried toward his car, which was parked around the corner. The windows in the neighbors’ houses were dark. Apparently, people in Livingston didn’t keep late hours. We closed the car doors quietly, and I slumped against the seat as Alec keyed the ignition. I could only hope the Chambers household would sleep through the night without noticing I was gone. Though, nothing could be worse than if they caught me as Tessa.

  Alec looked over at me. “Tell me again what happened.”

  As I recounted the story, every word seemed to drain me. He carefully weighed my words before responding.

  “Why does it happen? Why do you lose control?”

  There could be so many answers to that question. Emotions. Stress. Distraction. Because I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Or because I felt happier in my pretend life inside someone else’s body than I’d ever felt before. Or maybe because I worried we still had no clue who the killer was. The list could have gone on and on.

  “I don’t know. Maybe it’s the pressure,” I said eventually.

  “It can happen to anyone,” he answered. “Don’t worry, you’re doing a great job.” It was as if he could read my thoughts.

  “I’m not. Something is wrong with me.”

  “You just need to relax. Let’s do something to get your mind off things.” I hoped the darkness of the car hid my burning cheeks. I didn’t want Alec to know what I wanted to do, what his words made me think of. “There’s a drive-in movie theater just outside town.”

  I’d heard the other girls talk about it in the locker room, and from their stories it didn’t seem like the movie was the real entertainment. That could be pretty awkward. But I heard myself agreeing nonetheless.

  Alec pulled up next to the ticket booth, where an old man sat slumped against the wall. He looked old enough to have fought in the Revolutionary War and had the scars to show for it. His face looked as if someone had run a rake over it—repeatedly. His chin rested on his chest and I could hear the snores
coming from his parted lips even through the walls of the booth. Did he spend his nights like that?

  Alec had to knock twice on the window before the old man woke. It took him even longer to wake up enough to serve us. Alec paid for the tickets and a huge bowl of popcorn—reheated and slightly stale. As the buttery smell made its way around the car, Alec circled the lot in search of a good spot. As he eased into a vacant space, I felt the tension leaving my body.

  The theater was nearly empty, and we had a prime spot with a perfect view of the screen. Alec placed the popcorn on the console between us. I wasn’t sure if it was to keep us from getting too close or just so I could reach it. I decided to go with the second option.

  The movie was Alien.

  I had seen it dozens of times and I was glad that we wouldn’t have to watch anything remotely romantic. I knew the whole movie by heart, but when the alien found its first victim I still shuddered.

  “It seems we never get tired of this one,” Alec chuckled.

  We’d seen it at least five times together. “Seriously. Every time I see it, I love it more. Sometimes it takes some time to appreciate every detail about something. Like the more you see it, the more you come to like it,” I said. I glanced over at him. His eyes looked so intense. They seemed to glow in the dark of the car.

  “That sounded stupid,” I said with an embarrassed laugh.

  He didn’t laugh, didn’t even crack a smile, just stared at me.

  “It’s not stupid. You’re completely right.” He took a handful of popcorn but didn’t eat it, just held onto it in his hand. “Do you remember the first time we watched this together?”

  I nodded. Of course I remembered. I’d been living with the FEA for only a few weeks and tried to call my mom for the hundredth time. I’d been worried something had happened to her because I could never reach her, but on that day she’d actually picked up. I’d been so happy and relieved, eager to tell her about my new classes, my new room, my new friend Holly, until she’d cut me off mid-sentence and told me to never call her again. Something had shattered in me that day, a feeling I felt unable to share with anyone. I’d hidden in the pool house, behind the bin of wet towels, alone in the dark, and bawled my eyes out. That’s where Alec found me.